TV setting unrealistic standards for our children.

The Broadcasting Standards and Complaints Commission of South Africa (BSCCSA) has today issued a scathing indictment of South African digital television service provider DSTV and its aired content, saying that the programs and show content that make up the majority of their viewing schedule are setting “totally unrealistic standards” for the youth of South Africa.

“Just flip on the TV and you’re immediately bombarded by violence and crime or drowned in vapid, celebrity-centred stupidity,” said one concerned parent from the South African Families Association. “It used to be manageable, but now with such a ceaseless flood of these kinds of moronic themes and entertainment values, however will our children even start filling the massive shoes that are being put before them?”

Children everywhere have agreed.

“They’re right,” said ten-year-old Vincent Christians. “Every time I turn on the TV and see Kanye, Jersey Shore or anything on the History Channel, I feel like society expects me to be this ignominious moron who is obsessed with sex and money and fame. I mean, the bar is set pretty low already – I have to write Matric exams, for godssakes – but this is ridiculous. However will I lose my fundamental human respect and dignity and descend into the abhorrent, abyssal chasms of hell from whence these overwhelmingly narcissistic brain-dead fucktards come?”

Girls, too, have shared similar sentiments.

”I’m trying my best,” said teary eyed Jessica Barleson. “I put on makeup and short skirts and try to be as much of a loose skank as possible, but the pressure is incredibly overwhelming. I fear I’ll never become even half the meaningless sex object that society is pushing me to be.”

Meanwhile, the BSCCSA has backed this protest movement 100%, saying children should be exposed to “realistic standards of sex, violence and shallowness”.

”Our young boys across the country couldn’t possibly be this violent or lacking in profundity and reasonable intellect, no matter how much class they skip or how many times they ask bitches to suck their dicks,” the broadcasting standards watchdog said in a statement this morning, “and our nation's sluts and airheads will never be able to stoop to the desperate rape-culture lows that are so widely spread today."

"If we don’t change society so that they can grow up knowing it’s perfectly fine to be only a shallow, self-centred asshole, or just a partially disgusting skank, they risk growing up with all kinds of insecurities and inferiority complexes. We want our children to feel happy saying, 'I'm just a detestable open-legged skank and that's totally alright' or 'I'm only a slightly brain-dead partially sex-obsessed shallow cretin and that's good enough for me.”

However, many parents are fighting the dangerous tide of television influences, and say they are raising their children so that they know they can be whatever kind of narrow-minded stain on humanity they desire.

”I tell our son, ‘my boy, you don’t listen to this TV nonsense. If you feel pressured by society to call a binnet a 'dumb slut whore', it’s perfectly fine to just call her a 'useless bitch',” said Joburg-based father Mike Sogynyst. “I just want to make sure he grows up being true to his own feelings.”

Celebrities unite to raise 0.00001% of their net worth for charity

pic: wikimedia commons

Non-government charity organisations like OxFam and AfriCare have a new contender to deal with in the Save Africa campaign, after dozens of celebrities, signers, actors and politicians combined forces in a super-fund-raiser concert series aimed at raising up to one ten thousandth of a percent of their overall combined worth for African Aid Organisations and charities.

“This is big,” said coordinator of the fund-raising initiative, Bono. “We expect to raise in charity donations almost as much as what we spend in a year on cars and clothes. Every year we make tens of billions of dollars, so it’s just nice to be able to host a concert and make our fans give us almost a fraction of a minute shard of our net worth in ticket sales to give to starving Africans.”

Stars like Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber, Madonna and Lady Gaga will take to stages across America all throughout this week to raise awareness and millions of dollars, with a portion of that awareness and money going not just to their latest albums but also to a variety of charities.

“I’m just so glad I can do my part,” said amateur wrecking ball operator and pioneer of twerking for white people, Miley Cyrus. “Africa and these kinds of charities have been a huge part of my message and so close to my heart, ever since I learnt where Africa was and also that it isn’t a country nearly two years ago.”

Not all stars, however, were so pleased.

"Those mooching fucks in Somalia have never come to one of my concerts," said voice of our generation Kanye West, "why should I come to their help?"

Even some African citizens have stressed their displeasure.

"Two of our biggest industries are getting lots of money from guilty Europeans and Americans, and all the thousands of dollars we earn making teary-eyed poverty-porn commercials involving distended bellies and crying mothers that we produce for foreign aid companies," said Minister of Film in Southern Sudan, May Kafylm. "If these celebrities solve hunger and poverty, we will actively destroying the only source of income for tens of thousands of families across the Drought Belt."

In any case, in light of these announcements, dozens of recording studios and production companies have announced their unequivocal support of the concerts, saying that they were a wonderful opportunity to raise money for sad-looking black people on TV.

“We care a lot about African countries like Mozambia and Zimbalawi,” they said. “Some people might think that these concerts are just another opportunity to try and humanise our stars who barely even live on this planet or know what a normal life is like, or make them seem more loveable, caring and humane than they really in the eyes of crowds of mindless fans who idolise their every fart, but it isn’t. This is about charity. And giving. And a bunch of other nice-sounding words.”

However, many thousands of starving Africans have reported their happiness after some stars announced that they would be airlifting crates of their latest In Concert DVDS and albums into their countries.

“I love stars and rappers and their struggle songs, like with Drake and his ‘started at the bottom now we here’,” said one Ethiopian man. “Some of these stars lived with a dollar a day in their pockets, maybe eating out of bins and sleeping on concrete, having to go to performance venues night after night to perform and earn a name for themselves. Someday, I wish my children will live in such extreme wealth and leisure like that. Imagine that, actually eating – and out of an American bin!”

Guy two rows behind you now officially biggest prick alive

According to sources from an awards selection committee, the guy sitting two rows behind you chattering away incessantly during that theatre production you were trying to enjoy last night has now been dubbed "the biggest prick currently living on planet Earth".

Nominated by his peers and fellow theatre-goers, the praise for his proficiency in this department was heaped on the man within minutes, after the well-attended premier of this play, held at the National Arts Festival in Grahamstown.

"That f*$#ing son of  bitch, he's honestly the biggest asshole in the world. Couldn't he just shut the hell up for two seconds?" reads one of the first nominations. Other sterling commendations of his superiority in this field include shining words like "prick-faced loudmouth" and "Blackberry-thumbing knobhead".

According to the selection committee from the Institute of Deciding Who, Exactly, Is The Biggest Douchebag On This Planet (IDWEITBDOTP), 28-year-old fitness instructor John "Boet" Bradshaw from Johannesburg was the immediate stand-out candidate. Apparently, the gym-loving loudmouth outdid even Mit Romney and that guy who always smokes in the nonsmoking section of your favourite restaurant for the coveted award.

"His loudmouth, inane commentary with his equally intellectually-challenged significant other, his tendency to not turn off his phone and always chuckle at his BBM messages, and his grating habit of snapping flash-always-on-and-as-bright-as-bloody-possible photographs of the shows you've paid good money to enjoy were all factors that made him on par with some of the biggest contenders for this award since we started giving it," read the Institution's report.

Historic analysts have come forward with a detailed history of the man's achievements, showing his long history of experience in ruining performance art.

"He's been ruining theatre for years now, but this is his first real recognition for all his hard work," said Histaree Boeks, a record keeper. "Ever since his first days as a six-year-old in a beautiful wedding ceremony, in which he constantly and audibly nagged to go pee-pee, he's been destined for greatness."

However, insiders on the committee have admitted that it was a close battle.

"Apparently, it wasn't until he started crinkling endless Sparkles packets to death that he sealed his prize," said the source, whose name we would have misspelled misspellt mispelt mispelled gotten wrong if we'd actually had to write it out.

Bradshaw will be honoured at a ceremony later this week, where he will join other awardees Kanye West, Lil Wayne, and the guy who recently ruined the Great Gatsby for everyone who's ever read the book.