ANC unveils bold new “Get Something Right” plan

Following widespread criticism and condemnation of their style of governance and vision for South Africa, the ANC has today issued a powerful economic and political campaign, entitled the Just Get Something Right Development Program.

The bold program, which is aimed at supplementing the National Development plan by adding an element of realism to it, was tailor-made and hand-crafted to be “a lot more feasible than what we had before” by adding “statistically possible goals that could potentially be fulfilled before the ten-year deadline.”

“We know that South Africa feels ignored,” explained ANC spokesperson Jakob Mahala. “Even if South Africa isn't totally doomed yet, we know our people are worried and frustrated at where all this is going. So what better way to restore public confidence in our leadership and abilities than by Actually Doing Something Good For a Change?”

However, according to Mahala, this is just the beginning: this program is only one part of a more complex system of development plans, such as the “Pay Back The Money” plan, and the “Try not to call Anyone Cockroaches or Make Racist Statements in Public” Plan.

“We as the ANC have taken a bold new strategy and turn from our old ways – by simply having some sort of foresight and planning with regards to the future of our land,” he explained. “I think when we look back at the energy crisis, the education crisis, the service delivery crisis, the Nkandla crisis; so much could have been prevented if we’d just fucking given half a thought to where this was all headed. Hell, I could name more crises, but we’d be here all day.”

However, all these miniplans paled in comparison with their ultimate developmental campaign promise: the controversial and never-before-seen "Jesus, just do your goddamn job" plan.

"I have a feeling these National Development Projects will be well received by the public," said Mahala. "I think where we went so wrong before was how we were naively optimistic and yet utterly clueless as to what was going on. I think that now - now that we've embraced the simple truth of our total ineptitude and utter disrespect for not just the principals of common law, but also the fundamental ideals of our Constitution; now that we're sharing the brutal honestly and brusque skepticism of many South Africans - we can say 'guys, we promise, that in under a decade, we'll do something that wont' make you, not just as South African citizens but as human beings on planet Earth, feel immensely ashamed and disappointed.'"

This move is set to shake up the scene in the long road to the next general elections - however, at this stage, it's still too early to say how things will go. With Agang hinting at their own "actually do something" plan and the leaked documents outlining an imminent move by the Democratic Alliance to "stop being so goddamn butthurt all the time", there's no way of telling which party South Africans will hate the least come 2016.

Eskom starts star appreciation week

Stargazers are turning heads skywards this week, after South African national electricity provider Eskom kicked off its new Star Appreciation Week celebrations.

The week, which is aimed at cutting down drastically on light pollution in households across South Africa, will allow residents of South Africa to observe our cosmos unhindered by the pesky lamps, globes, bulbs, heaters and cooking appliances that obscure our view of the heavens.

“We’re so excited,” said head of Eskom Rowling Blakowts. “Now you’ll be able to appreciate the infinite beauty of the stars as they shine down on us without the annoying distractions of cellphone chargers, fridge lights or hot water.”

The move has been met by widespread approval and praise.

“I’m so happy,” said one Jo’burg resident. “Without them [Eskom], you’d never even know these stars were there. For example, did you know that right behind your street lights, if you’re standing on your porch, there is the Magellan nebula? Or that, without the security lights on your garage shining right into your eyes, you could usually see the Goran Cluster?”

“I totally agree,” said another. “Gazing up into the infinite and unknowable expanse of our solar system and the universe beyond, it makes you think of how small and insignificant we really are, and how our troubles, such as days-long power outages or half-month water cuts to our community, are really meaningless in the grand scope of things.”

Since the success of the announcement, Blakowts now says that Eskom has “even bigger, better” plans for similar celebratory weeks.

“When was the last time you bathed in the soft glow of simple candle light? When last did you enjoy the rustic, calming roar of a wood fire, or the peaceful murmur of a paraffin lamp?” he asked. “Well, with our new series of Appreciation Weeks, you’ll be sitting and smiling in nostalgic contentment for months on end.”

The announcements have, however, been met with derision and contempt by Zimbabwean electricity company, ZESA, who said they had been appreciating stars, wood fires and the "deep, inexplicable beauty of utter darkness" long before “it was cool”.

“Typical South Africa, always copying us,” said ZESA superintendent Sir Kitt Braykas. “First the colour of our currency, then our ruinous political agenda and our brutal, gung ho police force, and now this. I guess maybe imitation is the sincerest form of flattery: that we’ve been doing this for so long that we’re the experts. Hell, we’ve even been thinking of making an ‘Electricity Appreciation Ten Seconds’ sometime this year. Maybe after National Police Riot Baton Appreciation Week.”

Readers of Muse and Abuse are recommended to print this and other news articles to appreciate in the romantic low glow of next week.

Pic:ForestWander

Guy two rows behind you now officially biggest prick alive

According to sources from an awards selection committee, the guy sitting two rows behind you chattering away incessantly during that theatre production you were trying to enjoy last night has now been dubbed "the biggest prick currently living on planet Earth".

Nominated by his peers and fellow theatre-goers, the praise for his proficiency in this department was heaped on the man within minutes, after the well-attended premier of this play, held at the National Arts Festival in Grahamstown.

"That f*$#ing son of  bitch, he's honestly the biggest asshole in the world. Couldn't he just shut the hell up for two seconds?" reads one of the first nominations. Other sterling commendations of his superiority in this field include shining words like "prick-faced loudmouth" and "Blackberry-thumbing knobhead".

According to the selection committee from the Institute of Deciding Who, Exactly, Is The Biggest Douchebag On This Planet (IDWEITBDOTP), 28-year-old fitness instructor John "Boet" Bradshaw from Johannesburg was the immediate stand-out candidate. Apparently, the gym-loving loudmouth outdid even Mit Romney and that guy who always smokes in the nonsmoking section of your favourite restaurant for the coveted award.

"His loudmouth, inane commentary with his equally intellectually-challenged significant other, his tendency to not turn off his phone and always chuckle at his BBM messages, and his grating habit of snapping flash-always-on-and-as-bright-as-bloody-possible photographs of the shows you've paid good money to enjoy were all factors that made him on par with some of the biggest contenders for this award since we started giving it," read the Institution's report.

Historic analysts have come forward with a detailed history of the man's achievements, showing his long history of experience in ruining performance art.

"He's been ruining theatre for years now, but this is his first real recognition for all his hard work," said Histaree Boeks, a record keeper. "Ever since his first days as a six-year-old in a beautiful wedding ceremony, in which he constantly and audibly nagged to go pee-pee, he's been destined for greatness."

However, insiders on the committee have admitted that it was a close battle.

"Apparently, it wasn't until he started crinkling endless Sparkles packets to death that he sealed his prize," said the source, whose name we would have misspelled misspellt mispelt mispelled gotten wrong if we'd actually had to write it out.

Bradshaw will be honoured at a ceremony later this week, where he will join other awardees Kanye West, Lil Wayne, and the guy who recently ruined the Great Gatsby for everyone who's ever read the book.

"Education a terrible idea" - Department of Education

Education is a plague that needs to be quickly stomped out, said head officials from the Department of Education this morning.

According to a press release that draws on a study conducted in 1994, education has been at the heart of all social issues since the first democratic ballot was cast.

"Let us just look at the facts," explained head researcher Xthra Polation. "What has education given us after all these years? Strikes, unhappiness, failure, and Matric students filling Friars once a year. Eugh! And that's just the beginning."

Since early 2000, the number of strikes at schools have skyrocketed.

"They shout and protest and make really loud noise in the streets," said Manginga Xolwethlala, a local guy whose name we probably misspelled, but hey, that's what the 'corrections and retractions' section is for. "Education has made them into street-soiling vigilantes."

The Department has also stressed concerns that schools themselves are more like torture camps than places of so-called learning. 

"Some kids in these school have no books, toilets, food, or even roofs or buildings to shelter then from the burning sun and sudden rainstorms. We can't let them live like that. We won't rest until every torture academy is shut once and for all," said head of the Department, Jake Fetchem.
 
The study also points out that many criminals started their insidious careers after just a tiny amount of schooling. According to statistics we just made up right now to sound convincing, half of the criminals caught by the South African Police Service reported having been in school for less than a year before starting their crime streaks.

The department has also stressed health concerns for the youth of South Africa, stating that the study found that almost 95% of teachers in schools have, and regularly use, Visual Aids or Teaching Aids. 

"Our children in these Guantanamo-esque places of so-called 'learning' are subjected to one of these forms of Aids on a daily basis," said Fetchem. The Department reported today that very little is known about these forms of aids by staff and administrators working in its offices. 

The department has since issued a statement advising all learners of the dangers of schooling, saying that there is a wealth of career opportunities on offer for those who escape the evils education, with prestigious titles like "Member of Parliament", "Fry Station Manager" or "Waiter On Minimum Wage Working Two Jobs To Make Ends Meet".

Ex-learners even have exciting opportunities in tenderpreneurship, such as winning R100 million tenders for website design.

You can do this, and get paid R140 million! Hell, I can't make this stuff up.

Government jobs and tenderpreneurship opportunities are just one of the many perks of not being educated.

"Besides, look at the most successful people in our generation," said Fetchem. "Sir Richard Branson dropped out of school, and Einstein failed maths. Even Julius Malema got a GG symbol for woodwork, which, let's just be brutally honest, is embarrassing as all hell. And look at him now!"

According to the DOE, this study was conducted many years ago, but for political reasons has only been published now.

"When we first saw this all those years ago, we knew we had a ticking time-bomb," said Minister of Destroying Education, Mangie Otshekga. Since 1994, the government has been working tirelessly to eradicate the plague of education. "We've done everything we can to beat back this ugly scourge, from making the national pass rate 30%, to creating Life Orientation as a compulsory subject, lol," she said.

However, with academics calling for change and increased spending on Education, the Department has its work cut out for them.

"We're confident that, if current trends continue, by early 2015 people won't even know what 'Bachelor's Pass' means."