Friends, family and university peers of third-year BCom student Jake Henderson told reporters at Muse and Abuse yesterday that he is “totally screwed” for the upcoming exams.
According to those he loves most and the girl whose notes he begs for every Tuesday because he didn’t’ go to the Monday lecture, the 21-year-old Accounting and Theory of Finance major, who started studying for his June exams last night, is not prepared at all.
“It would be funny, if it wasn’t so desperately sad,” said Intha Frendzhone, without whose notes half of the Accounts 3 class would be homeless and DPless.
Henderson, however, has denied these allegations.
“Bru, like, I’ve been busy, okay? That fist isn’t going to pump itself in Friar’s, and you know how they say ‘all work and no play makes Jake a dull boy’,” he said. “Now can you get that microphone out of my face? I’ve got books that need reading.”
Early indications have suggested that Jake has started the long journey of catching up on twenty readings – a feat that is akin to the government promising textbooks to schoolkids: it’s a nice thought, and he’s supposed to be able to do it in time, but it’s not going to happen.
Study experts agree.
“He’ll probably work all night, fueling his study-determined state with endless cans of Redbull and black market Ritalin,” said study expert and misguidance analyst Hugh Ahreffed.
Ahreffed went on to say that this 16-hour marathon might help him in terms of confidence only. “He’ll go into the exam feeling confident and prepared, if a little tired,” he said. However, this would be short-lived.
“His first mistake will be asking friends and colleagues how much they studied and if they’re ready. They’ll give a worried smile, and then talk in depth about how they didn’t understand the first three modules, but are really hoping that McHenderson, 1981, Jeffries, 1993, and Thompson, 2002, appear in the exam.”
This specificity, Ahreffed said, will set up a chain reaction of doubt. “He’ll smile, but inside he’ll be like, ‘who the fuck is Jeff… Jefferson?’”.
This will only worsen as time goes on.
“His heart rate will probably increase, and his palms will go sweaty, and he’ll start to suspect he should have started studying three weeks ago. There will be a resurgence of hope when the papers are handed out and Father Time tells them that they if they don’t have ID, they will attempt to identify them via the university facebook, but this will fade when they announce 10 minutes reading time,” said Ahreffed.
The exam, to anyone watching, would be brutal.
“He’ll write some half-hearted stuff, bullshit his way through essay two, fall asleep during essay three, wake up and panic, and then finally throw down his pen in frustration, and then sit there in a kind of braindead trance,” he said.
According to Ahreffed, this is where it will become most interesting.
“He’ll go through motions of depression, and then, as the end of the session approaches, will find it sickeningly funny. Upon walking out Barrat, he’ll even laugh about it, saying the exam ‘raped’ him. As if rape or failure is the highest form of comedy.”
Other friends, however, have suggested that Jake is not as screwed as the media is making him out to be.
“He’ll be fine,' said equally screwed Dhoz Noahwerk. "That oke can talk SHIT, and there’s always a chance that he’ll get a script marker who hates his life and just wants it all to be over and gives J-boy a vacillator’s mark.”
Jesus, to whom Jake has been praying every night, could not be reached for comment.
