ANC unveils bold new “Get Something Right” plan

Following widespread criticism and condemnation of their style of governance and vision for South Africa, the ANC has today issued a powerful economic and political campaign, entitled the Just Get Something Right Development Program.

The bold program, which is aimed at supplementing the National Development plan by adding an element of realism to it, was tailor-made and hand-crafted to be “a lot more feasible than what we had before” by adding “statistically possible goals that could potentially be fulfilled before the ten-year deadline.”

“We know that South Africa feels ignored,” explained ANC spokesperson Jakob Mahala. “Even if South Africa isn't totally doomed yet, we know our people are worried and frustrated at where all this is going. So what better way to restore public confidence in our leadership and abilities than by Actually Doing Something Good For a Change?”

However, according to Mahala, this is just the beginning: this program is only one part of a more complex system of development plans, such as the “Pay Back The Money” plan, and the “Try not to call Anyone Cockroaches or Make Racist Statements in Public” Plan.

“We as the ANC have taken a bold new strategy and turn from our old ways – by simply having some sort of foresight and planning with regards to the future of our land,” he explained. “I think when we look back at the energy crisis, the education crisis, the service delivery crisis, the Nkandla crisis; so much could have been prevented if we’d just fucking given half a thought to where this was all headed. Hell, I could name more crises, but we’d be here all day.”

However, all these miniplans paled in comparison with their ultimate developmental campaign promise: the controversial and never-before-seen "Jesus, just do your goddamn job" plan.

"I have a feeling these National Development Projects will be well received by the public," said Mahala. "I think where we went so wrong before was how we were naively optimistic and yet utterly clueless as to what was going on. I think that now - now that we've embraced the simple truth of our total ineptitude and utter disrespect for not just the principals of common law, but also the fundamental ideals of our Constitution; now that we're sharing the brutal honestly and brusque skepticism of many South Africans - we can say 'guys, we promise, that in under a decade, we'll do something that wont' make you, not just as South African citizens but as human beings on planet Earth, feel immensely ashamed and disappointed.'"

This move is set to shake up the scene in the long road to the next general elections - however, at this stage, it's still too early to say how things will go. With Agang hinting at their own "actually do something" plan and the leaked documents outlining an imminent move by the Democratic Alliance to "stop being so goddamn butthurt all the time", there's no way of telling which party South Africans will hate the least come 2016.

Expat missing rude South Africa

Citing the endless and intolerable stream of politesse and good spirit he has experienced from French people since his arrival in the country last year, expatriate and once South African citizen Erik van der Westhuizen said this morning that he “really really misses the fuck-you, cold shoulder attitude of [his] home country.”

“It’s been like this since I got here: just a ceaseless wave of gentility and good manners. On buses, at schools, at markets, in the street – it’s nothing but 'bonjour, Monsieur, comment ca va' this and 'excusez-moi' that and 'merci beaucoup' yada yada. I can’t even buy a packet of ham and a baguette in solitary, lonely, lovely silence without some arsehole greeting me and murping on about “how are you?” and all that shit. It just makes you miss the old days, you know?

Van der Westhuizen says his homesickness extends to many, many sectors of society, including rude shop keepers, unhelpful department officials, and egotisical and lazy police officers.

“The society here just makes no sense. I didn’t lock the door yesterday, and my house wasn't even broken into. Hell, last week one police officer asked me if I was lost, what I was looking for and whether he could help me,” said the forty-eight-year-old South African ex-national. “As if that’s any of his fucking business.”

Government officials and political figures of South Africa have since responded quickly to the reports, saying they are working on alleviating the dreary and depressing feeling of homesickness Van der Westhuizen currently suffers, by making South Africa as “unmissable as possible.”

“We’re really sorry he feels this way, but we want to reassure him that we’re doing everything in our considerable power to make him never feel these terrible sentiments again,” said a spokesperson for the government. “We’ve made fantastic progress already, what with Eskom introducing unwavering load shedding that is only going to get worse, the general decline of confidence in government, our internationally-mocked justice system, and the slow breakdown of social cohesion stemming from reports of racism and racially-motivated attacks."

Government now says that they are mere months from having Van der Westhuizen feeling smug and happy at his decision.

“As we move into Zuma’s next inevitable term despite him lacking the basic qualifications, abilities, intellect and organisational skills to organise a dump in a public toilet, we’re sure he’ll be one of those ‘jassis, but I’m glad I left, have you seen how that blerrie country is going to the blerrie dogs?’ ex-Saffer Australian ex-pats in no time.”

Thank you, Eskom

A thank you letter to Eskom, from yours truly.

And here is a link to the story mentioned in the text.

Eskom starts star appreciation week

Stargazers are turning heads skywards this week, after South African national electricity provider Eskom kicked off its new Star Appreciation Week celebrations.

The week, which is aimed at cutting down drastically on light pollution in households across South Africa, will allow residents of South Africa to observe our cosmos unhindered by the pesky lamps, globes, bulbs, heaters and cooking appliances that obscure our view of the heavens.

“We’re so excited,” said head of Eskom Rowling Blakowts. “Now you’ll be able to appreciate the infinite beauty of the stars as they shine down on us without the annoying distractions of cellphone chargers, fridge lights or hot water.”

The move has been met by widespread approval and praise.

“I’m so happy,” said one Jo’burg resident. “Without them [Eskom], you’d never even know these stars were there. For example, did you know that right behind your street lights, if you’re standing on your porch, there is the Magellan nebula? Or that, without the security lights on your garage shining right into your eyes, you could usually see the Goran Cluster?”

“I totally agree,” said another. “Gazing up into the infinite and unknowable expanse of our solar system and the universe beyond, it makes you think of how small and insignificant we really are, and how our troubles, such as days-long power outages or half-month water cuts to our community, are really meaningless in the grand scope of things.”

Since the success of the announcement, Blakowts now says that Eskom has “even bigger, better” plans for similar celebratory weeks.

“When was the last time you bathed in the soft glow of simple candle light? When last did you enjoy the rustic, calming roar of a wood fire, or the peaceful murmur of a paraffin lamp?” he asked. “Well, with our new series of Appreciation Weeks, you’ll be sitting and smiling in nostalgic contentment for months on end.”

The announcements have, however, been met with derision and contempt by Zimbabwean electricity company, ZESA, who said they had been appreciating stars, wood fires and the "deep, inexplicable beauty of utter darkness" long before “it was cool”.

“Typical South Africa, always copying us,” said ZESA superintendent Sir Kitt Braykas. “First the colour of our currency, then our ruinous political agenda and our brutal, gung ho police force, and now this. I guess maybe imitation is the sincerest form of flattery: that we’ve been doing this for so long that we’re the experts. Hell, we’ve even been thinking of making an ‘Electricity Appreciation Ten Seconds’ sometime this year. Maybe after National Police Riot Baton Appreciation Week.”

Readers of Muse and Abuse are recommended to print this and other news articles to appreciate in the romantic low glow of next week.

Pic:ForestWander