Nkandla is totally justified and necessary

Police Minister finds that Zuma does not have to pay back any money for the “security upgrades” to his luxury hotel in KwaZulu Natal Province. What do we make of these s-Nkdandla-lous developments? Well, Guest Writer Johan Van Eksteen knows: that they’re totally justified and necessary, and that they don’t even begin to scratch the surface of the upgrades Zuma still needs.

Pic: John A Forbes from http://www.panoramio.com/photo/84617082
(Attribution; Share-alike license)

My friends, we’ve all heard the news. We’re enraged. We’re furious. How could the Minister of Police – after everything, after the Public Protector’s report, after Parliamentary ruckuses and fights, after all the hundreds of newspaper articles – possibly say that Zuma doesn’t have to pay back anything of the near half a billion rand he spent on his private residence?

Well, the answer is simple: he’s right.

The (correctly arguing) Minister rightfully states that Zuma needs a security amphitheatre – for dignitaries to meet him, and as a security meeting point. If, by chance, the amphitheatre is used for parties or theatrical productions of musical performances, does this at all diminish the security aspect of this addition? If you built a fortress, and then everyone used it for Kurt Darren concerts, would that make it any less of a fortress? No.

The same goes for the installed Security chicken coops and Security cattle kraals. Having been nudged semi-violently by a cow once, I personally know how important it is to keep a barrier between poor defenceless humans – at the whim of these ultimately superior bovine predators, since all we have are better brains, opposable thumbs, critical reasoning and access to tools – and the deadly, bloodthirsty species of cattle and poultry. Those peckers can be blerrie dangerous.

And then we have the security firepool. In this technologically unadvanced day and age, where we don’t have dedicated firefighting services and where we understand nothing about the Dark and Mysterious Hidden Magicks of Fire, how could Zuma possibly defend himself against an out-of-control braai fire? In fact, scientists say that the only reason we add chlorine to our swimming pools is because it’s an excellent flame retardant. Skeptical? Well, I ask you, have you ever seen water that is burning? Of course you haven’t. You’re not Adele.

Friends, all of these upgrades in the Pesky Protectorate’s report are absolutely vital. And what’s more, they are just the first in many upgrades Zuma not only needs, but deserves.

All these additions have been carefully thought out, all aimed at letting Jacob Zuma live in peace, prosperity and, most importantly, safety with his small family of, like, only 100 people. After all, doesn’t the most hated president of our time need this extra protection?

Think about all that he’s done in the past couple of years, and it makes total sense. When it comes to protecting the life and safety of someone as globally reviled as Zuma, who can really say that any safety precaution is an unnecessary extravagance?

I mean, I talk about racism and sexism and misogyny and other non-existent topics once or twice, and I get death threats. Can you imagine what the father of South Africa 2015 must get? Can you imagine how many threats and embittered hate you must rack up if you, oh, I don’t know, keep Angie Motshegka as Minister of Basic Education, or have Blade “#StudentsMustFall” Nzimande as Minister for Tertiary Education? Can you imagine the scorn and contempt that must be heaped on you if you were to go into Parliament and laugh, out loud, at an entire country when they say you’re being a greedy fuck?

No, friends – he needs all of these upgrades, and more. For his own good.

That’s why the rooms are equipped with Security Dolby 3.0 Sound Systems from Sennheiser: to ensure that security warnings can be broadcast around the various mansions, in full surround sound so that no one will underestimate the urgency of the emergency. Of course, without the necessary backup security ultra-HD 4x-resolution Samsung 108-inch TVs in every room, this measure is just not useful or adequate.

Then there’s the Security Pub and grill. This secure location comes equipped with security-expert-formulated liquids all scientifically tested to ensure the security of our president and his families, including but not limited to Security Johnny Walker Blue, DEFCON 1 Glenfiddich, and, of course, NATIONAL EMERGENCY Moët & Chandon Bi Centenary Cuvée Dry Imperial 1943. Add this to an adjoining security kitchen, with food rated five stars in both taste and security, and you can see how this isn’t about a mad agenda of self-serving greed, nor is it an abuse of an uncontrolled system of rampant spending.

And in extreme cases, Zuma and his extended entourage will need a fleet of security vehicles – and these will need to be fast to get away from potential threats. A Security Maserati, perhaps, or a Security Bugatti Veyron, so that they can escape danger to their Security G9 Private Jet.

And finally, in case that the whole country realises his true nature and goes to hell, Zuma will need a safe and secure location to lay low while the danger blows over: a Security Safemansion, on a Security Private Island in the Security Bahamas.

You know, just as long as it's as far as possible from the President's Office of The Republic of South Africa.

Johan is a guest columnist at Muse and Abuse. Widely renowned for his non-nonsense approach to controversial topics, Johan shines a blinding light of truth on subjects like the hideous scourge of immigration, why white people should vote ANC, why Blackface isn't the real racist problem in SA, and how Black Privilege is an ugly truth that no one wants to admit. He also thinks gay marriage should have been outlawed years ago.

Pic of Kraal: Creative-commons licence from GovernmentZA, Flickr (GCIS).
Pic of Zuma from Official SA Govt Website.

ANC unveils bold new “Get Something Right” plan

Following widespread criticism and condemnation of their style of governance and vision for South Africa, the ANC has today issued a powerful economic and political campaign, entitled the Just Get Something Right Development Program.

The bold program, which is aimed at supplementing the National Development plan by adding an element of realism to it, was tailor-made and hand-crafted to be “a lot more feasible than what we had before” by adding “statistically possible goals that could potentially be fulfilled before the ten-year deadline.”

“We know that South Africa feels ignored,” explained ANC spokesperson Jakob Mahala. “Even if South Africa isn't totally doomed yet, we know our people are worried and frustrated at where all this is going. So what better way to restore public confidence in our leadership and abilities than by Actually Doing Something Good For a Change?”

However, according to Mahala, this is just the beginning: this program is only one part of a more complex system of development plans, such as the “Pay Back The Money” plan, and the “Try not to call Anyone Cockroaches or Make Racist Statements in Public” Plan.

“We as the ANC have taken a bold new strategy and turn from our old ways – by simply having some sort of foresight and planning with regards to the future of our land,” he explained. “I think when we look back at the energy crisis, the education crisis, the service delivery crisis, the Nkandla crisis; so much could have been prevented if we’d just fucking given half a thought to where this was all headed. Hell, I could name more crises, but we’d be here all day.”

However, all these miniplans paled in comparison with their ultimate developmental campaign promise: the controversial and never-before-seen "Jesus, just do your goddamn job" plan.

"I have a feeling these National Development Projects will be well received by the public," said Mahala. "I think where we went so wrong before was how we were naively optimistic and yet utterly clueless as to what was going on. I think that now - now that we've embraced the simple truth of our total ineptitude and utter disrespect for not just the principals of common law, but also the fundamental ideals of our Constitution; now that we're sharing the brutal honestly and brusque skepticism of many South Africans - we can say 'guys, we promise, that in under a decade, we'll do something that wont' make you, not just as South African citizens but as human beings on planet Earth, feel immensely ashamed and disappointed.'"

This move is set to shake up the scene in the long road to the next general elections - however, at this stage, it's still too early to say how things will go. With Agang hinting at their own "actually do something" plan and the leaked documents outlining an imminent move by the Democratic Alliance to "stop being so goddamn butthurt all the time", there's no way of telling which party South Africans will hate the least come 2016.

Zuma sues everyone in South Africa

Delete your statuses and call your lawyer.

Following various crises in South Africa, such as the Eskom power crisis, ceaseless allegations of corruption, constant political scandal, and endless failures of service delivery, President Jacob Zuma has announced his intention to “sue every single person in the country”.

According to Zuma’s personal lawyer, his decision has been a long time coming.

“Zuma is well known for taking cartoonists and political commentators to court over multi-million-rand charges of infringing on his right to privacy and dignity, as well as allegations of defamation and attacks on his personal integrity,” said Chief Legal Aide for the State, Leigh Galfies. “And now, after the awful events of the State of the Nation Address and the country’s spiral in blackouts and civil unrest, we’re pretty sure everyone in the country is defaming my client.”

And many top legal minds think Zuma just might have a case.

“We usually do things off the basis of ‘A Reasonable Person’,” said former Appellant judge Sue Hughs. “And after that dog show at Parliament, it’s only reasonable that a sane, rational adult would call him hurtful, defamatory things, like – and these are just hypothetical examples, of course - a ‘useless piece of shit’ and ‘criminal bastard who steals from our children and elderly’ or even ‘a money-grubbing corrupt soulless waste of an ejaculation who greedily sucks up every last cent he can from a downtrodden, poverty-stricken people’. I mean, how can any Reasonable Person not be saying these things? Zuma could very well start his own class action suit against the country.”

However, South Africans say they’re not worried.

“If the court does publish its findings, we’ll just take the legal documents and proceedings and put them in a folder marked ’Khampele Report into Zimbabwe elections’, ‘Public Protector’s Report’, ‘Marikana Commission Findings’, or even ’How to do your job and make South Africa a better place for all’,” said a spokesperson for the entire country.

“You know - something they’ll bury, shred or totally ignore within moments of getting it.”

Pic: US Department of State

Next Hunger Games novel “will be set in South Africa”

South Africa will be placed in the international spotlight next year, after world-renowned author Suzette Colins has made public plans to set the recently announced fourth and final installment of her famous Hunger Games series in South Africa.

“For some time now, we’ve seen undeniable thematic links and locational similarities between the fictional world of Panem and South Africa,” said her publishing agent and PR Manager Mark Kinjay. “The book is set in segregated districts, much like apartheid South Africa was, and even in more modern times we see starting parallels between the brutal, murderous police force that kills protesters, and the SAP.”

The similarities were so numerous that Colins found it “the only course of action” to put South Africa in her books.

“In her books, the protagonists and downtrodden people of the land fight against the forces of darkness, much like we do with Eskom every day,” said Kinjay. “There’s dire social inequality. There are corrupt, power hungry leaders who will do whatever it takes to cling to power. There are the hedonistic elite. There is even the national obsession with pointless games and competitions and massive waste of public funds to build elaborate stadiums to host their beloved entertainment when obviously the money could be better spent elsewhere. How can this book not be set in South Africa?”

The plot, Kinjay says, is sure to be intriguing.

“The novel is set about 30 years after the events of the third book, after Katniss has taken down the evil government and restored peace to the land. However, the people who followed in Katniss’s footsteps betray her legacy and start recreating the hateful, exploitative and corrupt demeanour of those they unseated,” he explained. “In this troubled new age, it is up to the young Katrien Eevyndag and her best friend Pieter Meerlagt to win an oppositional majority in a cutthroat political battle royal in her district and expose the evil President Jacorneliab Snuma. Will she succeed? Will she choose Pieter, or finally be together with her true love Gheybriel Heythiern?”

He added that the book would go on sale sometime in January early 2016.

“Basically, it’s going to be as exciting as the 2014 elections, just with happier ending.”

Why this white South African is voting ANC

Guest writer Johan Van Eksteen explains his controversial political decision – and argues why everyone should vote the green, gold and black.

The ANC is evil and filled with money-hungry pricks who don’t give even the most basic shit about the poor or disenfranchised people of our country – a country they have slowly but surely betrayed on a fundamental level.

Or at least that’s what the corrupt “news” media wants you to think.

So, South Africa, I think it’s about time we had a serious discussion about politics and why these lies are standing in the way of turning our country into a developed, prosperous nation.

But Johan, you’re white? How can you vote ANC?

Confession time: I’ve voted DA all my life. Ever since I was just a kid standing in front of the ballot box trying to decide whether to tick ANC to piss off my parents or tick DA because I’m white and it’s expected of me, I’ve never chosen the wagon-wheel and spear-flag.

Until now.

Now, you might call me a uncritical, blind fucktard who is actively supporting the death and destruction of our nation and lending my support to a system of widespread corruption and nepotistic cronyism, and so on and so forth, but give me a moment to explain why this is important.

You know, I used to be just like you. I used to comment on News24 articles about how disgraceful the state of our country is. I used to tell all the okes at my braai on Sunday exactly what was wrong with this blerrie country. I used to make clever puns about “cANCer”.

But then I did my research – and what I found truly shocked me.

Firstly, the ANC is a party that truly cares about the economy. Since Zuma took power, he alone spent half a billion rand on infrastructure development to the country. And that was on just one house - imagine a South Africa where every man and woman in positions of power is flooding the economy with employment and raising the GDP through similar construction projects?

Also, the import of once “luxury items” into South Africa is becoming commonplace. Once upon a time, BMWs were reserved for the elitest of the elite – no longer. Expensive goods like Chivas, gold watches, Blue Label and Mercedes Benz S Classes are almost mundane now. Lots of people talk about debt and unemployment – but in a future where everyone and their brother has an expensive car, how can debt exist?

I’m a true natural-born Afrikaaner. I love the bush. I love Mother Nature and the wild. Under the ANC and thanks to Eskom, long-forgotten and obsolete sciences like astronomy will return to the forefront. South Africa will be a shining beacon in the star-gazing community. Or rather, it won’t be a shining beacon, which is even better. And just like with Zimbabwe and the tireless, ceaseless efforts of the ZANU-PF, South Africa, too, is seeing a slow return to a Golden Era of Pastoral Values.

Growing up in the Transvaal, I hated school. Today, my kids are carrying on that fine family tradition. And who is supporting my family values and personal beliefs and culture? The ANC. Who else could make school less boring by taking away boring things like teachers’ salaries and textbooks, and yet still suffer no negative effects in our National Matric Pass Rate? If anything, we’re passing more and more students – and this is despite the ‘media’ saying schools have gone to the dogs.

And we’re seeing the benefits of this even now. For example, I think we can all agree that’s we’re sick of okes who blame apartheid for everything. Now, this might make my political choice seem paradoxical (Zuma blamed Eskom on apartheid)– but ask yourself: who is helping us to get over and finally forget apartheid? The DA, who always talk about the role they played in it, or the ANC, who is making sure that our children don’t have the schools, paid teachers or history books to learn that apartheid ever happened and constantly obsess over it?

We as South Africans have a history of foreign meddling and imperialist forces trying to force their way of life on us. One of the many ugly examples of this is in alternative medicine. Parties like the DA (and sadly, even early ANC leaders – thankfully a distant memory!) blindly support western “scientific” medical charlatanry, which so arrogantly sneers at traditional and alternative treatments.

A western-centric hegemony on vital medicines and alternative treatments is stopping people getting access to proven cures like that super cure-all beetroot or the world-famous panacea, garlic. It’s a shame that Thabo Mbeki’s legacy didn’t do more to discourage people’s trust in imperialist quackery. How many thousands of now-dead AIDS patients would still be alive today if they hadn’t been misguided into taking expensive pills that the state was wasting our hard-earned tax rands on? The thought of this makes me feel so sick that I have to take an extra -strength, 1-part-per-100-million homeopathic tincture just to keep writing this article.

Another fitting nail in the coffin of the idea that the ANC is a bad party is the simple fact that they want true racial equality in South Africa. The ANC – unlike the liars and thieves in other parties – want us to all be equal.

Once upon a time, shoddy public services, water and electricity cuts and bad social services were solely reserved for an oppressed black minority. By making sure that these things no longer just affect a disenfranchised minority in smaller areas in the outskirts of urban zones, the ANC is introducing true egalitarian society filled with empathy and equality.

Once upon a time it used to be white racist police killing black people who were merely standing up for their basic human rights. Those days are over. Now we have people of all colour in the police killing black people who stand up for their basic rights.

Hell, it used to be only white leaders who introduced oppressive laws trying to curtail freedom of speech and give free reign and no accountability to police. But now we have politicians of all colours doing that. Even I think that the ANC is singling itself out as a bastion of progressivity – and hell, I’ve been called racist for some of my controversial opinions.

And on this point, just ask yourself: what has the DA ever done? Nothing. Nothing at all – and I don’t care what ‘facts’ or ‘statistics’ or ‘internationally-recognised socially progressive programs’ you quote to try and make your sick lies sound sweet as honey. Worse yet, let us not forget that the leader of the party has the same name as a giant radioactive Japanese monster. Is that not reason enough to err on the side of caution?

As a wise man once said, but better the devil you know than the DA-Zille you don’t.

VIVA ANC VIVA.

Expat missing rude South Africa

Citing the endless and intolerable stream of politesse and good spirit he has experienced from French people since his arrival in the country last year, expatriate and once South African citizen Erik van der Westhuizen said this morning that he “really really misses the fuck-you, cold shoulder attitude of [his] home country.”

“It’s been like this since I got here: just a ceaseless wave of gentility and good manners. On buses, at schools, at markets, in the street – it’s nothing but 'bonjour, Monsieur, comment ca va' this and 'excusez-moi' that and 'merci beaucoup' yada yada. I can’t even buy a packet of ham and a baguette in solitary, lonely, lovely silence without some arsehole greeting me and murping on about “how are you?” and all that shit. It just makes you miss the old days, you know?

Van der Westhuizen says his homesickness extends to many, many sectors of society, including rude shop keepers, unhelpful department officials, and egotisical and lazy police officers.

“The society here just makes no sense. I didn’t lock the door yesterday, and my house wasn't even broken into. Hell, last week one police officer asked me if I was lost, what I was looking for and whether he could help me,” said the forty-eight-year-old South African ex-national. “As if that’s any of his fucking business.”

Government officials and political figures of South Africa have since responded quickly to the reports, saying they are working on alleviating the dreary and depressing feeling of homesickness Van der Westhuizen currently suffers, by making South Africa as “unmissable as possible.”

“We’re really sorry he feels this way, but we want to reassure him that we’re doing everything in our considerable power to make him never feel these terrible sentiments again,” said a spokesperson for the government. “We’ve made fantastic progress already, what with Eskom introducing unwavering load shedding that is only going to get worse, the general decline of confidence in government, our internationally-mocked justice system, and the slow breakdown of social cohesion stemming from reports of racism and racially-motivated attacks."

Government now says that they are mere months from having Van der Westhuizen feeling smug and happy at his decision.

“As we move into Zuma’s next inevitable term despite him lacking the basic qualifications, abilities, intellect and organisational skills to organise a dump in a public toilet, we’re sure he’ll be one of those ‘jassis, but I’m glad I left, have you seen how that blerrie country is going to the blerrie dogs?’ ex-Saffer Australian ex-pats in no time.”

Students are ultimate doomsday preppers - Study

The Apocalypse no longer means the definite end of days, after a study has found that the majority of university students would “easily survive any massive, society-altering catastrophe” simply because their living conditions are similar to, if not worse than, those that any Act of God could wreak on Earth.

"When we think of any global catastrophe – a giant meteor strike, for example, or a widespread meltdown of the current unsustainable system of Free-market capitalism – and how it would result in huge cuts to electricity, quantity and quality of water supply, cramped and post-apocalyptic living conditions, and a severely reduced food supply, we can immediately see how many thousands of students would be able to survive or even totally not notice such an event, only because these kinds of conditions are prevalent in this demographic,” said chair of the study’s research organisation, Cathy Strophie. “Hell, some of them might even find it to be a period of hedonistic excess.”

Citing months-long diets of PnP No Name two-minute noodles or Residence Dining Hall food, the intermittent and shoddy Municipal water supply, extensive power cuts and load-shedding, and the usual living conditions in student digs, many students have wholeheartedly welcomed the study’s findings.

“Many people live in fear that the sun could blow up, or that a massive dormant supervolcano could erupt at any moment and end our way of life as we know it,” said one student at Rhodes University, “but honestly, I wreak that kind of havoc on my own life at least once a month with the dangerous combination of my bank’s half-month fees and charges and my overzealous attitude towards to the money I get on the first of the month. Seriously, I watched Viggo Mortensen in The Road and I was like, ‘damn, this guy has it good. Look at all that tinned food!’”

Pictured (left to right): Thabo Mbeki, Jacob Zuma, Bheki Cele and Angie Motshekga

Many other students have agreed.

“If you’re looking for the world’s best Doomsday Preppers, you don’t have to turn to those crappy programs on Discovery Channel,” said another. “Just last night I made a delicious and nutritious soup out of just dust, an old t shirt and some old leaves I found outside on the lawn. The End of the World and the End of the Month are actually synonymous terms.”

Even the resulting global shortage of alcohol – an immediate red flag – wouldn’t be a tragedy.

“Have you ever been to UCT?” said one civil engineer in an anorak on upper campus. “Half of us brew our own beer. Come on, Apocalypse. You can do better than that.”

The research team has since found that the only people more prepared that students for the apocalypse are “most Zimbabweans” – and they agree.

“We survived Meteorite Mugabe and Megastorm Zanu. Frankly, I hear South African xenophobes call us ‘cockroaches’ and I’m flattered because it’s proof we’ll outlive all those bigoted arseholes,” said Harare resident Tendai Mutenga. “When the Four Horsemen arrive and destroy civil society as we know it, Zim probably welcome the massive upgrades with a national celebration and public holiday.”

Members of the Zanu-PF government have, however, said that Zimbabwe will not enter the Apocalypse any time soon.

"People mustn't think the Apocalypse is coming," said PR manager for the political party. "We simply aren't in a position to enact those kinds of upgrades to law, infrastructure and general society right now - we'd have to wait until 'elections' at the very least."

Pics: Creative Commons

Nation mourns loss of Insane Gunman, 34

The people of South Africa are in a state of a profound loss and deep mourning this morning, after the sad loss of psychopath, schitzophrenic-turned-uzi-weilding mass murderer Jake Allanhard, who tragically committed suicide after gunning down only 21 corrupt, bribe-taking police officers, incompetent and unpleasant Home Office staff and utterly useless border post officals.

"Though our nation and indeed the world has seen its fair share of drug-addled and utterly unhinged sociopaths," said President Jacob Zuma at an Honourary State Funeral right next to Mandela's burial grounds, "he truly distinguished himself in his choice of 'victims'. Because let's face it, we're not really going to miss them that much."

Zuma praised Allanhard's courage and boldness.

"We've all thought some pretty twisted shit about these kinds of people who just want to make life needless unpleasant and difficult for no real reason whatsoever, but he had the guts to do something about it."

Though many international critics are calling Allanhard's actions "Morally repugnant", "worthy of eternal damnation" and "really really messed up, man", they also added "but we totally get it."

"It doesn't matter how often I go [to the Home Office] or if I've printed out every piece of documentation that could possible be needed for getting a new passport, there is always something that I don't have and have to drive back home to fetch," said Secretary General of Amnesty International, Anne Mesty. "AAARRRGH"

Pic: MSN news (ca)

Zuma continued his heartfelt memorial, calling on all divorced-from-reality nutcases to do their bit.

"Though he was sadly taken from us in a messy on-Live-TV suicide that will be endlessly repeated on CNN and SABC news for the next week, he will be sorely missed. He leaves behind an unfinished legacy - we can only hope and pray that somewhere there is a troubled, parentless, drug-addicted and abused youth who will go on to finish Allanhard's extensive and comprehensive list of the most imbecilic, vituperative, unhelpful foaming-mouthed morons that ruin this already difficult decades-long journey we call life."

Now that he is gone, the nation has been forced to go back to helplessly grinding their teeth in impotent exasperation which imagining violent scenarios in their minds where they totally give that stupid teller a piece of their minds.

Study: South Africa still not utterly ruined

Pictured: South Africa in ten years

Claims made by men holding braai tongs across the country were today put to rest after a study has irrefutably shown that, despite tireless effort by government, police and many aspects of our problematic society, the country is still not absolutely "gone to the dogs."

"Science does not lie," said a man who for some reason wore a white coat, glasses and had the letters 'PhD' after his name.

According to the study, which has run since about the turn of the millenium, there are still many places in South Africa which have yet to feel the brunt of a ruinous political agenda.

"We've all heard the countless Doctoral Theses and Masters Dissertations entitled, 'Can I Tell You What's Wrong With This Country?', written by middle-aged political studies scientists and experts who have just finished their fifth beer and are among friends in the comfort and privacy of their own home, but the evidence points that these theses may just be discredited - there are still some areas of SA that are kind of okay."

When asked for comment, the DA were clear in their message of responsible, mature politics.

"NYA-NYA-NYA-NYA-NYA-NYAAAAAA!," they said, ignoring statistics showing that there weren't exactly blameless or perfect themselves.

Following the release of the controversial report, which has already been met with many counter-theses entitled 'These Blerrie Fokken' University Students, Always Reading Too Much Into Things And Making Stories' and 'Ag, Blerrie People Just Can't Accept The Blerrie Truth, Hey', many political factions have vowed to redouble their efforts.

"Ever since about 2002, when we first made it our goal and passion to be to societal harmony and progressivity what industrial-strength bleach is to a nest of fragile, helpless baby birds, we have been committed to achieving a nation-state worthy of the speeches of the country's top Braai Master Political Analysts," said ANC spokesperson Jake Meddels.

However, the majority poitical party does admit to having slipped up here and there.

"Here and there we have screwed up by actually delivering a decent standard of government and actually delivering basic services, not being corrupt, etc, etc, but we think we have vindicated outselves in the overtly negative press the mass media gives us every week," said Meddels. "We're excelling in that area."

Current estimates now predict that South Africa might only be a lifeless, radioactive and worthless hellhole of a banana republic - also known as a 'Zimbabwe' - by late 2018.

I didn’t want third term – Zuma

A contrite and sheepish Zuma shocked reporters at a press conference, after he admitted that his whole first two terms in government were an attempt to make people never vote him back into office and that “he didn’t even want another term anyway”.

“Someone once said that with great power comes great responsibility,” he told gathered reporters who were desperately trying to work out if this was some advanced form of satire or not. “I was thrust into a position where, no matter what I did, no matter what accusations or criminal charges were brought against me, no matter how much money I siphoned off from my people and what ridiculous things I said, I would still be assured the loyal, undying support of thousands of people – even those who were directly being harmed or disadvantaged by my actions. No one should have that kind of power. It’ll destroy your soul.”

Zuma went on to outline how, upon hearing his ascendency to power, he knew he had to save South Africa by getting himself out the pilot’s seat.

“In my first term, I started this long ordeal. After the Arms Deal controversy, the whole rape accusations and ridiculous shower comments denying AIDS, I started diverting millions of Rands into my own private residence in Nkandla all at the taxpayers' expense when everyone in the village around me were still mired in dire, abject poverty, struggling to eat and fine employment… I thought people would be able to see how grossly unqualified and unsuitable I was to run a country. Hell, I called a swimming pool ‘an emergency fire pool’ for godsakes!” he said.

Even this, he said, was not enough.

“Still, they marched and wore the yellow T-shirt and voted,” he said. “And still I was President. After that, I knew drastic action was necessary.”

Zuma told how he immediately increased the size of his Cabinet despite the economic situation of South Africa, and that he also reinstated Angie Motshekga and Bheki Cele.

“I took practically the two biggest mistakes in South Africa today, with their ‘there is no school crisis’ and ‘shoot to kill’ bullshit, and gave them back their old jobs. Surely, now people will realise what's going on?”

Zuma is now hopeful that his path of destruction will eventually teach South Africans to choose a better calibre of leader – but he is increasingly worried it still won’t be enough.

“People ask me, 'iJacob, why can't you just tell people? Why do you have to be a massive dick - not that Brett Murray thinks that - to change voters' minds?' and I tell them, 'sometimes telling a child not to play with pots of boiling water is enough. Sometimes you have to let them burn themselves so that they never repeat that mistake.' To tell the truth, I’m crossing fingers, but it’s not looking good,” he admitted. “Sure, a lot of other parties are making inroads toward securing a larger voting percentage, but at this stage I might have to be President for at least one more term.”

He added, however, that he was committed to ‘reeducating South Africans’.

“You’ll see how serious I am in my second term,” he told reporters. “I can promise you that, by 2020, you’ll be begging me to leave.

Zuma leaves today for Johannesburg to kick off the second month of his Second Term, where he will personally drown a basket of kittens at Nomfezo Orphanage in Soweto.

Next Nkandla to be built entirely out of money

Following the controversial announcements by Jacob Zuma of another State-funded expensive money-hole to be built next to his existing State-funded money-hole, the ANC has today assured South Africans of all kinds (beloved comrades and counterrevolutionary sellouts alike) that this next project would be constructed entirely out of pure money and thus “far, far cheaper than before.”

“We might have gone just a teensy, tiny bit over budget that last time, you know, what with the fire pools and security chicken coops and anti-theft cattle kraals and defense tuckshops,” said head architect Affyieu de Zynflauz, “but this time around we’ll save millions and millions of Rands by just making the whole house out of money.”

He explained

"Before, we had a lot of 'scope creep' and disagreements about budgets and final costs. We'd put aside money for bricks and cement, only to see that it actually cost double. This way, if we want a million rand worth of bricks, it will definitely only cost us a million rand. Plus architect's fee, of course."

He laid out his plans, detailing how each cost-cutting method would save stacks of taxpayers’ rands.

“Gone are the days of bricks and concrete blocks and foundations,” he said. “We’ll just get stacks and stacks for R200 notes and tie them together with elastic bands and use those. There’s a reason why they are called ‘bricks’ of money, don’t you know? And for concrete we won’t use expensive concrete and mortar. We’ll just shred thousand-Rand government bonds into a slurry of molten gold and diamond powder. That will give a strong foundation unlike any other, unmatched in its low, low cost.”

pictured: the bricks to be used on the main bedroom,
which are being kept in the Federal Reserve

For the roofing and fencing, however, de Zynflauz said they were still at their wits end.

“Right now we’re trying to decide between hand-carved slats imported from Italy made out of illegal whale and elephant ivory, or a more traditional and relatively less costly fibrous matting made from pounded Black Rhino horn. Right now, we’re not sure which is cheaper.”

Meanwhile, the country’s economists have praised the decision, saying that they are glad that “some sense has finally kicked in.”

“This is what we have been waiting for,” said Economist Magazine editor Luke Satgraafs. “A leadership that not only learns from its mistakes, but one that has the ability to see how they have been wasting billions of Rands and cutting that needless and wasteful expenditure with measured, reasonable alterations to their building plans.”

Economists now predict that the Super Nkandla will cost only half as much as the last one.

“We’re going to see thousands and thousands of Rands made immediately available for other public projects and infrastructure and also immediately diverted into personal checking accounts and siphoned off to inlaws and nephews loosely tied into the construction company who won the tender,” said Satgraafs. “The GDP, IRI and EXP, as well as a whole other bunch of acronyms, should double, because graphs and numbers.”

However, since the announcement, even President Jacob Zuma himself has stepped forward to assure South Africans that this next project will be much less wasteful.

“I’m even considering having a normal-people toilet installed in one of the thirty-eight guest rooms,” he said in a show of humility and personal connection unseen since his inauguration. “You know, maybe in the one by the pure platinum emergency fire extinguisher Jacuzzi, or in the three-bedroom house where we store emergency air next to the anti-intruder bowling alley and emergency panic shopping mall?”

When asked for clarity, he said, “no, not ‘a normal-people toilet’ as in ‘a reeking cat-hole in the ground that hasn’t been cleaned out for thirty years’. You know, a real, proper flushing one. With a shower next to it… on second thoughts, don’t mention the shower. Zapiro might be reading this.”

Julius Malema actually a black Jesus

Thousand of South Africans and millions of Christians around the world wept for joy this evening, after revelations affirming the age-old prophesy of the return of Jesus Christ came true in the form of Julius Malema.

"It took us a while to realise that the loud-mouthed controversy-machine was actually our Dear Lord and Saviour, the Blessed, the Holy Trinity, The Son of God Jesus Christ," said one teary-eyed Christian who had been whispering to herself before bed for the return of our Lord ever since her parents told her which bearded sky dude was the right one, "but once you really think about it, it isn't so hard to come to grips with. The signs are there."

Many theologians and clerical officials have since confirmed that Malema is, in fact, our Messiah.

"If you look at that tome of proven historical fact, our literal instruction manual for our lives here on Earth - the Bible - you can see that Jesus took five fishes and three loaves of bread and divided it again and again to feed thousands," said Biblical Expert Levi Tikus. "Julius, in much the same way, takes a measly government salary and turns it into expensive houses, fancy cars and expensive watches. It's a modern day miracle."

Tikus went on to point out many other similarities that were definitely proof that Malema was Christ come again.

"Jesus was crucified, dead and buried, and yet he rose again on the third day," he said, "and if we look at Julius's political career, he was crufied by the ANC and the mass media, left for dead in the desert of social ostracisation, and yet is back, bigger and badder than ever, the head of his own new burgeoning band of red-bereted disciples. Also, Jesus was kind, compassionate, caring and forgiving, and - I know it might seem like he isn't, but it's true - Julius, beneath the false layer of Shoot the Boer and his controversial hate speech charges, Julius is just a really caring, sweet guy who wants nothing more than peace and forgiveness and SARS to leave him alone."

He also added that literally, we aren't kidding, no satire in this sentence, "if you google 'Jesus in a beret, it comes up with pictures of Julius.'"

The ANC, however, have reacted to this with scorn and derision.

"He isn't Jesus," they said, denying our Lord and Saviour and earning themselves a lower pit in hell than the one that Satan had already reserved for them. "Jesus was a carpenter, and I think we all know how old Juju gets along with Woodwork. JC? More like GG."

The ANC went on to brand him and all those who followed him "counterrevolutionary sell-outs".

"We know we say this like all the time to anyone who doesn't agree with us, but this time we really mean it. This time, it's for realsies."

Despite this stunning counter-riposte, some factions within the ANC say that the claim could be true.

"It would really all depend on what the claim would mean for us as a people, and as a political party," said chief whip for the ANC Lujius Lamema. "If he is Jesus, then that would make the ANC a kind of religion, and Zuma a kind of de facto God. If that is so, this could have huge repercussions. Firstly, we shouldn't pay taxes - anything else is anti-religious, blasphemic, even - while in His Wisdom you should all still render unto ANCeasar that which is the ANC'sa. Secondly, this means that there is a divine, unknowable reason for Zuma allowing poverty, crime, rape, and vast unemployment to go unchecked despite his unending power and all-seeing greatness. After all, God does work in mysterious ways."

God, Our Heavenly Father, was unwilling to comment on the matter, but he did hint that this rebranding of the much-loved Messiah was long overdue.

"We were getting stagnant, losing followers with our old branding. We needed to shake things up a bit, show our dynamism. A black unbearded communist is about as hectic as we could go. We were thinking a gay Chinese man, but we don't want our religion led by the bad guy from Hangover 3."

Many South African, however, still deny that Melema is our Saviour Come Again, but they are reportedly unworried by threats that they'll go to hell.

"This blerrie country is going to hell anyway," they said, clutching braai tongs.

Agang realises most crucial weaknesses in elections strategy – “too honest, realistic”

Agang had a huge moment of epiphany today, after they realised and publically admitted to South African voters today that their key manifesto, political mandate and elections strategy “contained some huge flaws” and “never really stood a snowball’s chance in hell.”

“Even that metaphor doesn’t do our failure justice,” said Agang spokeperson Jake Mthuli. “Perhaps ‘A Bafana-Bafana’s chance in the World Cup’ is more accurate?”

Following the realisation, Agang had a full press conference outlining their key weaknesses and faults.

“We know exactly what we did wrong,” said Mthuli. “We told the truth. We were too realistic. That’s why we only have two seats in Parliament: we didn’t hand out endless T-shirts and fliers (even on election day, right outside the voting stations), we didn’t give anyone kickbacks or jobs that required our continued political majority rule to stay in existence, we didn’t hand out bags of maize meal to loyal voters.”

However, the endless list of critical flaws in their politicking did not stop there.

“I mean, we were outclassed on all fronts,” admitted a heart-broken and weary Mamphela Ramphele. “We realise now the error of our ways: not once did we whip out our well-thumbed race card; we didn’t emotionally blackmail our electorate; we didn’t send out a rallying call for loyalist patriotism or reactionist ‘this country is going to hell’ voting. Hell, we didn’t even use that much emotional argument or rhetoric. We campaigned honestly. We campaigned honourably. And we lost abysmally.”

In response to the announcement, however, thousands of South Africans have scoffed at the fledgling party, saying its inadequacies were far more deep-seated than those they had so far admitted. Some even questioned their leadership credentials.

“South Africa has gotten used to a certain quality, a very particular standard, of leadership,” said one political analyst. “But Ramphele and her merry band of half-wits are wholly unsuited to government. They aren’t confident or daring in spending public resources of government funds. They don’t act all self-righteous and superior to the others, as if they are the better and incorruptible party."

And to add insult to injury, he said, none of the leadership has a criminal history.

"Zuma knows that to catch a crook you have to hire a crook – which explains our cutting-edge and hugely successful police force - and that to stop corruption you have to first fully understand what corruption is and how far it can penetrate a good person’s soul. He’s like a black South African Professor Snape," he explained. "You can’t fight dark magic if you don’t know what it is, looks like, or how many houses it can build you before the people snap and impeach you. Instead they have meaningless things. Care for the country. Necessary qualifications. Education. A sound political manifesto. How are these things supposed to keep a country running smoothly?”

Another voter added that “she [Ramphele] is vastly inferior to [President Jacob] Zuma.”

“She doesn’t even have more than three wives,” he said, adding that two was “the bare minimum.” “And she declared her assets as like 50 million or something. Zuma’s house alone is creeping up on half a billion rands. Do we really want a poorer president? What will other countries think? That our widespread socioeconomic disparities and prevalent poverty extend all the way to the Big Office? We’ll be the laughing stock of Southern Africa – and that’s saying something.”

In light of the constructive criticism, Agang has sworn to shake up its election strategy, aiming to secure a much more considerable percentage of South African voters.

“Next time, we know,” said Mthuli. “Less honesty, less realism. More emotion. More statistics. More lies. More empty promises. Mandela’s face? Use it! Endless reference to the struggle which was almost two decades ago? Abuse it! We will take more journalists and cartoonists to court for defamation. We will marry more wives, take more money, build bigger houses, drive expensive-er cars with messages about social responsibility on their sides. We now know our flaws. But now we also know how to win; we know what kind of leaders South Africans not just want but need. Christians had better get ready, because if the ANC are right, Jesus is coming in just four very, very short years. Bring it.”

Zuma, Pistorius admit guilt, apologise

Following weeks of adamant self-defense and denial, controversial media figures President Jacob Zuma and murder-accused blade runner Oscar Pistorius stunned people across the globe this evening, after coming out and admitting they were “totally guilty, like everyone has been saying all along” and apologising to public.

“I admit it, I did it. I know I said a lot of things to make it sound like I didn’t, but I think it’s clear how guilty I am. I might as well confess,” said Pistorius, whose press conference might as well have been copy-pasted from Zuma’s.

The double confession has shocked billions of viewers, as the pair had each held steadfastly determined to prove their innocence and victimhood, leaving many wondering what possibly could have driven so sudden a dire turn-about.

However, according to Zuma and Pistorius, the answer is simple.

“I was watching TV and suddenly on the news I saw this guy talking about all the allegations against him. I listened to the bullshit he was trying to sell, how he was blaming everyone and everything around him when clearly it was mostly him, and then out the blue, the cold, horrible realisation hit me. I sat there in a daze and thought, ‘Dear Jesus, is that what I sound like when I defend myself on TV?’ I knew then that I had to come clean,” said Zuma.

Pistorius, too, had similar reasons.

“I was watching TV and suddenly on the news I saw this guy talking about all the allegations against him. I listened to the bullshit he was trying to sell, how he was blaming everyone and everything around him when clearly it was mostly him, and then out the blue, the cold, horrible realisation hit me. I sat there in a daze and thought, ‘Dear Jesus, is that what I sound like when I defend myself on TV?’ I knew then that I had to come clean,” he said.

The event has utterly flabbergasted and gobsmacked judges, judicial aides, committees of inquiry, Parliamentary Investigative taskforces and Public Protectors across South Africa.

“We’re kinda not sure how to proceed,” they said in a joint statement. “We’ve never really had to deal with honesty and truth before in matters like these.”

However, many South Africans believe they have the answer, and have volunteered to take charge of further proceedings.

“Jail is a good idea,” they said.

"Lots and lots of jail.”

ANC hopes ANC campaign trail doesn’t ruin ANC campaign trail

Following the sudden realisation that really the biggest hurdle in their possible future governance of South Africa is their current track record of governance in South Africa, the ANC stated this morning that they really, really hope they haven’t shot themselves in the metaphorical political foot.

“All these other political parties – COPE, the DA, the EFF, IFP, and so on – aren’t really a threat,” said head elections spokeperson Goust Vouwtahs. “Actually, the biggest thing standing in the way of total domination is ourselves.”

In light of this irreparable damage done to the ANC’s reputation by scandals such as Nkandla, the textbooks scandal, Marikana and many, many more, the ANC says it is now considering legal action against its MPs, elected officials and most of itself.

“This level of extreme and gross defamation, character assassination, libel, slander and damage to our good name cannot go unchallenged,” said Vouwtahs. “We must defend our own, even if it means suing them.”

Vouwtahs likened these "counterrevolutionary sell-outs" to a cANCer, sorry, cancer, that needs to be cut out, leaving many politically-minded Urologists very worried indeed.

"If this were my own patient, I would advise against such drastic measures," said one. "Trying to cut out this much cancer is nearly impossible, especially when most of the body is cancer. They'll have maybe three or four people left in remote areas where there isn't enough government funding to skim anything off the top."

Lawyers and Law experts, in contrast, are incredibly excited, and now predict this to be the case of the century.

“It’s going to be massive,” said Senior Advocate Bur de Nofpruf. “We’ll collude with media houses and legal insiders and veil the whole thing as ‘in the public interest’ and get people all riled up on twitter and facebook about how this is really about accountability, transparency and ensuring a solid justice system, even though we all know it's really just grotesque voyeurism by the masses that we exploit so that we can grossly distort the justice system by having it televised 24/7 to the world. The spin-offs will be huge, and god, let’s not even mention the legal fees.”

Despite the fact that such legal action may send a fissure through the ANC, fracturing it as a party, ANC spokespeople are confident they it will not harm their chances of winning.

“Our top education system, our tireless work ensuring that wealth and socioeconomic disparities don't oscillate too much... we think we've done all our can to ensure that our loyal votes make the right decision today. We’re confident that we have damaged education and social cohesion enough to maintain a solid majority of easily swayed voters who would keep voting for us even if we publically executed a basket of kittens in front of a stadium packed with four-year-olds,” said Vouwtahs. “It’s these folks and their endless capacity of hope for a return to the glory days unridden with corruption that keep us going.”

Nkandla report now "least read thing on the planet"

Public Protector Thuli Madonsela is to be honoured with a prestigious global award this week, after her highly-anticipated Nkandla Report, entitled "Secure in Comfort", narrowly beat the Ten Commandments, most parts of Academic readings given to University students and 99.5463% of Facebook statuses and Tweets to become the "Least Read Thing Currently On The Planet."

According to Dr Ihg Noars of the Selection Committee for These Kinds of Awards, Madonsela defeated many thousands of other, equally important documents such as Parliamentary Bills, Legislatural Proposals, critical news reports and extensive newspaper reportage to cinch the coveted trophy.

"Everyone is arguing about it, throwing around the phrases 'Nkandla' this and 'report' that and it generally defines the current South African focus in all aspects of our society - social, political, digital and Office-Water-Cooler-ial," he said to gathered reporters who also hadn't read the full report and just skimmed bits and pieces here and there, early this morning, "but who has actually read it? Not even me."

However, Noars was quick to point out that Madonsela had only narrowly beat her closest competitor - the website where the report is available for full download, www.publicprotector.org/library/investigation_report/2013-14/Final%20Report%2019%20March%202014%20.pdf - to snatch up the honour.

"It was flippen' close," he said.

However, the decision to award Madonsela the covetted title has been heatedly protested and refuted by many others, including Apple, Inc. and those people who hand out fliers for Traditional Healers, gold merchants and cheap plumbing services on the sides of roads and pavements outside stores.

"Years and years of well-documented statistical fact show that it is not the Nkandal report, or even the Public Protector website, that is the least read thing on the planet," said Apple executive CEO Hugh Wurriptof, "but our Legal Terms and Agreements and Conditions of Use documents. How many thousands of times have people just clicked 'Accept' without knowing that they've agreed to, when we want, take all their personal data, possetions and internal organs? Literally millions."

In spite of this, thousands of South Africans and ANC Ministers and Members of Parliament have backed Madonsela's claim, saying that she "utterly deserves this award."

"It is literally my job to read this document so that I can serve the public to the best of my ability," said ANC Minister of Blindly Defending an Untenable Position on the ANC's Mass Pilliaging of State Funds Slip Ery-slohps. "I mean, I've shouted at people in Parliament about how the President is blameless and not guilty, and I don't even know what - if anything - he has been accused of."

Madonsela is expected to be conferred this presitigious award next week.

"I'm happy to receive this award," she said to the gathered audience in a statement that no one will ever take the time to fully read, and instead just rely on news sites like this to get the gist of, "but maybe someone can read it? Pretty please?"

Man with braai tongs delivers State of The Nation address

pic: wikimedia commons

Huge crowds of South Africa citizens gathered at Number 18 Chester Street in Johannesburg yesterday evening, to hear The State of the Nation Address delivered by a man holding braai tongs.

The Address, given by 42-year-old Johannes van Vuuren and starting out as an informal rant to a few friends about "can I tell you what's wrong with this fucking country?", soon developed into one of the most nuanced and insightful critiques of South African zeitgeist and the social, political, financial and cultural implications of modern South Africa.

The speech quickly drew a massive crowd.

"It was incredible," said awed speech attendee Audrey Ence. "Who would have known that a part-time garage mechanic and businessman would have such a deep, considered and profound understanding of South African politics and current affairs?"

The speech, however, was not without its controversial moments, such as when, after six beers and looking over his shoulder to make sure no black people were around and also feeling really comfortable in the privacy of his own home and among friends who didn't have the balls to stand against his bigotted viewpoints, he dropped the K-bomb. Three times.

"Many people were outraged by this," said cunning linguist and head of the London School of Oration and Rhetoric Spee Chiz. "However, it was only to point out the other flaws with this 'fucking baboon country' such as our obsession with political correctness."

"Did you know," Van Vuuren's speech continued, "that I can't even call a gay oke a fag anymore? When I was at school during apartheid it was okay, and now it's all like illegal and stuff. Flip, man. It's, like, supposed to be my Freedoms of Speech, or something. All this fucking LGBTIQ nonsense. We're going to run out of blerrie letters just now."

When asked whether he thought that perhaps his speech was just a hateful drunken rant that he should be ashamed of, he just laughed. 

"It's what everyone is thinking," he said. "It's you blerrie University students, you comment and criticise things too  much, but you don't even see what's right in front of your face." 

When further asked if perhaps many of the problems that South Africa is currently facing, such as rampant government corruption, failure to deliver basic services to a disenfranchised public, and the grand failure of the education system, stem from roots of inequality and social injustice that were carried over post-1994, he scoffed.

"You know, we should just get over the past. I didn't have any trouble getting a job because I studied blerrie hard at the all-white private school my parents paid for and worked blerrie hard at my dad's garage to get where I am today."

Since delivering the epic speech, Van Vuuren has decided to run for office.

"I'll be a hundred times the president Zuma is right now," he promised.

However, this promise has greatly worried political analysts and citizens. 

"When Van Vuuren builds his own Nkandla in Orania or wherever the hell he was brought up, that means he'll spend R20 billion, and not just R200 million," said married couple and Soweto residents Dis and Fran Chised. "That also means that he'll get off 100 times the rape accusations and escape 100 times the Arms Deal probes. We're not sure SA is ready to get that royally fucked up."