The people of South Africa are in a state of a profound loss and deep mourning this morning, after the sad loss of psychopath, schitzophrenic-turned-uzi-weilding mass murderer Jake Allanhard, who tragically committed suicide after gunning down only 21 corrupt, bribe-taking police officers, incompetent and unpleasant Home Office staff and utterly useless border post officals.
"Though our nation and indeed the world has seen its fair share of drug-addled and utterly unhinged sociopaths," said President Jacob Zuma at an Honourary State Funeral right next to Mandela's burial grounds, "he truly distinguished himself in his choice of 'victims'. Because let's face it, we're not really going to miss them that much."
Zuma praised Allanhard's courage and boldness.
"We've all thought some pretty twisted shit about these kinds of people who just want to make life needless unpleasant and difficult for no real reason whatsoever, but he had the guts to do something about it."
Though many international critics are calling Allanhard's actions "Morally repugnant", "worthy of eternal damnation" and "really really messed up, man", they also added "but we totally get it."
"It doesn't matter how often I go [to the Home Office] or if I've printed out every piece of documentation that could possible be needed for getting a new passport, there is always something that I don't have and have to drive back home to fetch," said Secretary General of Amnesty International, Anne Mesty. "AAARRRGH"
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| Pic: MSN news (ca) |
Zuma continued his heartfelt memorial, calling on all divorced-from-reality nutcases to do their bit.
"Though he was sadly taken from us in a messy on-Live-TV suicide that will be endlessly repeated on CNN and SABC news for the next week, he will be sorely missed. He leaves behind an unfinished legacy - we can only hope and pray that somewhere there is a troubled, parentless, drug-addicted and abused youth who will go on to finish Allanhard's extensive and comprehensive list of the most imbecilic, vituperative, unhelpful foaming-mouthed morons that ruin this already difficult decades-long journey we call life."
Now that he is gone, the nation has been forced to go back to helplessly grinding their teeth in impotent exasperation which imagining violent scenarios in their minds where they totally give that stupid teller a piece of their minds.
