Purple Thursday cures cancer, ends world hunger

Scientific studies from leading experts have left the world in shock after discovering that Purple Thursday is more than just an excuse to wear purple.

“When we first created it, Purple Thursday was our answer to everything,” said Student Representative Council (SRC) President Eumatter Sumbadhi. “’What are you gonna do about racism?’ they asked us. ‘Purple Thursday,’ we replied. What measures are in place to celebrate diversity and spread awareness for various campaigns? Purple Thursday. It solved anything, man.”

However, according to witness reports, the hitherto unknown mystical powers of the event quickly became apparent – Purple Thursday solved more than just social issues.

“I was feeling a bit under the weather one day, and my friend joked that I should go to Purple Thursday. I went, did my thing, and just like that my hangover dry cough was gone,” said first-year Finance student James Marion. “I knew that there had to be a link between the two.”

And soon enough scientists from the Rhodes University Department of Biochemistry had confirmed the rumours.

“We started with a sample of one hundred rodents – a fitting animal choice, I think you’ll agree. These rats had been diagnosed with various forms of cancer and leukaemia. We painted them purple, gave them some free pens, took a couple of cheesy pictures with them, posted these all on facebook, and lo and behold, the next day the cancer had totally disappeared,” said lead scientist for the project Dr Allan Quack. “It’s a modern-day miracle.”

Leaders from around the globe have marvelled at the event, hailing it as the best thing “since a beer twist-cap”. Similar tribute events have been kick-started in countries around the world, from famine-stricken Somalia to war-torn Afghanistan. The results have been astounding.

“We used to starve every day and fear for pirates until this so-called ‘Purple Thursday’ came along,” said a local Somali fisherman, grinning feverishly as he clutched the Scooters voucher he had just won in a lucky draw. “This day has changed everything. Now the only thing we fear is that the pirates will beat us in the 'most gees' photo competition.”

However, world hunger is not the only thing that has disappeared overnight. War, religious conflict, and homophobia have been reported to have utterly vanished across the globe.

“I remember when we used to bomb each other every day because we disagreed about whose land this was,” said Hamas soldier Al Ahu Akabar, an arm draped around his new Israeli friend who had just won the prize for ‘best dressed’. “Then we both realised that we were fighting over eternally pissed-off camels, endless desert and a sea that’s saltier and more disgusting than the Wednesday night Halaal-Fast res meal. Not exactly the promised land. There isn’t even a Debonair’s here.”

Uganda has seen its raging homophobia disappear in a poof overnight.

“I used to hate gays with all my soul,” said David Bahati, who introduced the October 2009 Anti-Homosexuality Bill, which threatened homosexuals with the death penalty. “I even said that I wanted to kill every last gay person. Now, thanks to Rhodes University's fantastic initiative, I realise that I’m just a hateful moron who believes that television encourages kids to be gay and who can’t stand the idea of two men holding hands,” he said, adding that in the spirit of the change they might even change the day to be a "Pink Thursday".

The effects of Purple Thursday, however, have also been evident closer to home in South Africa.

“Since the day has gone viral, corruption has shot down dramatically, meaning that now only 70% of taxpayers’ hard-earned Rands is misspent or ends up funding Chivas and Mercedes Z-classes,” said government spokesperson for Social Change, Inna Fectual. “The only thing Purple Thursday hasn’t fixed so far is the tap water in Grahamstown and our failing education system,” he said. “But let’s just be honest: it’ll take a bloody miracle to do that.”