Cancer caused by "that small pleasure you have" - study

The health community has brought about controversy this morning, after a lengthy study irrefutably showed that the vast majority of cancers are caused by “that little thing you love”.

Scientists now say that this latest study – commissioned in 2010 and looking into cases of cancer in over 150 countries across the world – proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that most cancers are caused by “that little guilty pleasure you have.”

“The facts are clear,” said the author and lead researcher for the study, Luke Hemia. “Whether it’s a quick smoke in between gruelling shifts, a glass of wine after a stressful day, or that perfectly fried side bacon to dull the ennui of eating goddamn muesli every morning, you’re pretty much screwed.”

Hemia – and hundreds of his peers – now state that, just after nuclear fallout, working in a fission reactor plant, and having daily x-rays, that little thing you like so much that brings a fraction of pleasure to your daily existence is one of the leading causes of all cancer.

“I know we said that bacon was bad for you, and then that it wasn’t, and then again that it was really bad for you, but this time we really mean it,” he said to gathered reporters. “Those small joys, even if it’s just lying in the sun on the beach on a Sunday afternoon, or using your cellphone to call your family – which all make your everyday waking horror that little bit more bearable – are deadly.”

Public reaction to the awful news has been mixed.

“My doctor told me that all these small day-brighteners were giving me incurable brain cancer, so I immediately went on a health purge,” said one man. “I’ve cut out smoking, sun bathing, cellphones, fatty foods, salty foods, sugary soft drinks, alcohol, bacon, going to smoke-filled clubs, and listening to loud music, and I can already feel the health benefits."

"Sure there are minor side-effects, like how I no longer feel any joy whatsoever and derive absolutely no pleasure from life, but hey, I’m going to a long, cancer-free life," he said. "Maybe I’ll even live another hundred years.”

But not all responses have been so drastic.

“When I read about the dangers of drinking alcohol and eating bacon, I knew I had to make some changes,” said joburg residence Bryan Meets.

“So I immediately gave up reading. And I tell you what, I haven’t felt better since.”

Ban unhealthy smoking in bars, say disgruntled alcoholics

A countrywide ban on smoking in bars is now a distinct possibility, after the binge-drinking community came together a unanimous front aimed at ending “disgusting, dangerous and unhealthy smoking”.

Weekend bar-goers now say that it’s time they put a stop to the health-destroying and irresponsible risks associated with second-hand smoke.

“The risks of lung cancer, emphysema and other respiratory or pulmonary diseases is just unacceptable, especially in children,” said 48-year-old bargoer Courtiney Chand. “How can we possibly sleep at night when there are potentially hundreds of 15- and 16-year-olds in bars across the country being exposed to the affronting and live-threatening drug that is cigarettes?”

Bar patrons across the nation are now calling for a unilateral ban on smoking in any public bar or late-night drinking hole.

“The smokers are putting us all at unnecessary risk, and endangering the health and lives of everyone around them,” said founder of the antismoking organisation Down-Down With Smoking, Sam Buka. “It’s just ridiculous – you’ve only been in the bar for a few minutes, you’ve only had your first of seven tequila shots, and already you stink of smoke. Lord knows how all those fumes are affecting your health.”

Other drinkers agree.

“It’s so awful – last weekend I absolutely stank of smoke after just a dozen beers,” said 26-year-old Kay Nansoda. “It was so disgusting that while I was driving home on the N2 I just had to pull out my phone and message all my friends telling them how reckless and uncaring about the health and safety of others all these smokers are.”

And with bar owners and bartenders standing behind their customers, lawmakers say a municipal bylaw outlawing these deathsticks could be just around the corner.

“We just want to create a safe space for our clients,” said bar owner Cyril Siss. “We want our decades-loyal customers to be able to come to their weekend binges, drink litres of vodka and go home alone with strangers to have unprotected sex, without having to worry about second-hand smoke threatening their health or safety - and that's all we'll settle for: no ifs, ands, or butts.”

Facebook to distribute likes to cancer victims

Social media giant and philanthropic website Facebook have announced that, starting today, they will now be distributing the accumulated likes, shares, and statuses aimed at ending cancer.

According to Head of Facebook's Charity wing, Sharon Lyks, the decision has been a long time coming.

"Ever since that first photo of a small girl smiling sadly at the camera, her bald head shining tragically in the little-girl-hating, cancer-giving sun, we knew we had to do something to stop this awful illness," she said in an interview with Muse and Abuse this morning. "Of course, we all know that the best way to end the combined pain and suffering of the victims of disease is to like and share photos of the internet."

The response, said Lyks, has been amazing.

"Since sharing that photo and putting it on everyone's wall, the picture has garnered over 4 billions likes and 18 billion comments," she said. "We're not sure, but we're pretty sure that's gotta be worth a lot of Internet Money."

Lyks and the Facebook team intend on taking these likes and comments to the Internet Monetary Exchange Bank later today.

The secret to its success, she said, was in Facebook users' tendency to repost the picture again and again, even if they know other people had seen it before.

"That's how much they cared about this campaign," said Lyks with a big smile. "They'll share it on all their friends' walls, even if that friend is a cancer-loving douche who replies 'oh, it's a hoax' and 'you should check these things to see if they're real, or just donate to a recognised charity', the cancer-apologist arsehole."

Facebook first shared that seminal photo in early 2003, but have now extended their charitable goodness to other worthy causes.

"World hunger, poverty, water shortages, homelessness... These are just a few of the things on the list of tragedies we are eliminating, one mouse click at a time."

Facebook's early estimates now state that homelessness and poverty are a mere 43 243 likes away from not existing.

"When it comes to creating a perfect utopian world of wonder, we believe that Facebook is right up there with those other bastions of social change: you know, email chain letters and online petitions on Change.org.

Star-soul: your horoscopes 2014

• Capricorn - as the months past and your zodiac aligns with the ancient Grecian constellations of yore, you’ll have a birthday, turning yet another yet older. This will potentially be followed (or in some rare cases, preceded) by Christmas and then by an Easter, a St Patrick’s Day, and three or four bank holidays. But I mean, what were you expecting? Your star-sign is a goat. If you were something more badass, like maybe a dragon, or a cheetah, or even a honeybadger or something, then maybe it would be a different story. But you're not, and so it isn't. Enjoy the mediocrity, goatboy.

  

• Aries – As the moon wanes away from its strongest position in your zodiac, you’ll be suddenly struck with jealousy that you’re not a badass Taurus or a Virgo, whose monthly horoscopes are always way, way better than yours. As they move into financial success and romantic endeavours, you’ll stay at home and brood on what a lonely, lonely existence you lead, and how suicide, quite frankly, is looking evermore enticing at this point in time.

  

• Virgo - You’ll be told three lies and one truth by a writer. You’ll also have great business success, amazing sex, and a swathe of fantastic opportunities to travel to new and exciting places. You’ll also breathe air.

  

• Cancer – This is not your horoscope. I know you. You’re another star sign, like a Capricorn or something, and you’re going through these, maybe seeing how your friends’ or ex-girlfriends’ starsigns are this month. I mean, are you so mean-spiritedly myopic that you really think your ex's life is hell because a bunch of stars say so? Just read your own starsign, okay? Stop being so shallow.

  

• Gemini – With your strongest star in retrograde, you’ll probably die.

  

• Taurus – A mystery appears. You’ll eat some food, and drink some water, and maybe even work up the effort to go down to the gym and do something on the treadmill, maybe some bench presses. I dunno. This month isn’t too special, bro. I wouldn’t count on being blown away.

  

• Scorpio – As Mercury enters the third house, and your zodiac constellation crosses over the dominant chi and energy lines in the sky, you’ll be struck with the realisation of what a bunch of BS this horoscope stuff really is. As you zodiac shifts across other celestial bodies, new knowledge - in the form of finally being aware of how little confidence you have in your own decisions and life that you need a back-pat from a 100-word bit of encouraging text on page 13 of a 45c tabloid - will be gifted to you.

  

• Libra As your sign enters its strongest house, you’ll be met by a string of good fortune and favour, with financial success, romantic prospects and opportunities for self-improvement abounding. We're not kidding, we looked this stuff up. The science is sound. It's gonna be a great month.

  

• Pisces - As your sign enters its strongest house, you’ll be met by a string of good fortune and favour, with financial success, romantic prospects and opportunities for self-improvement abounding. This is not the same as the last one, we promise. Totally different sign to the one above, bro. We swear. Scout’s honour.

  

• Leo - the fearsome lion, Leo is most comfortable with calming quiet energies. Unless you aren't. In which case this month will bring a rush of adrenaline unlike any other. Fast cars, drugs, women - it's all yours, just reach out and take it. Unless you're the other kind of Leo, in which case quiet your mind and let the universe take control. This is your life, yes, but you don't have to be responsible for every minute detail. Inhale. Exhale. Live. Be at peace. Unless you're the other kind of Leo, in which case take another line of cocaine and stretch life's ass over the table of adolescent zeal and give it a ride it will never forget. Live young, love freely. The future isn't now, and old age is a train that runs us all down. Be loud. Be proud. Unless, you know, you're the other kind of Leo.

  

• Aquarius - As you read this, you'll realise that you're a 23-year-old man who is making fun of horoscopes by actually writing pretty reasonable horoscopes that many might not realise are satire. Suddenly struck by how exhausting it is to produce this kind of work and have it misunderstand, you'll slowly succumb to fatigue, and probably won't even have the energy to finish this sent

  

• Sagittarius - God, there are twelve of these to write. How do horoscope writers not repeat themselves? I mean, it should be very easy to write universally-applicable descriptions of very people who are all incredibly different, but it isn't. I mean, do you know how much of a creative liar you have to be when you make these? You have to constantly cross-reference yourself to see that you haven't said the same garbage in earlier signs. It's like a 12-sided Rubik's cube. I don't even know what to say. You'll make money, or something.

  

Pics: Wikimedia Commons.

Study: everything causes cancer

A study looking at the thousands of studies produced every year has discovered that everything on the planet causes cancer.


According to Jake Hardington, lead researcher at the Institute of Studies into Studies, this newly published report, which looked into the mass of innumerable papers covering the potential causes of cancer between 1908 and 2013, has determined that "everything is a potential carcinogen."



"We've looked into a plethora of claims, and we've found that everything on this death bowl we call a world contributes to cancerous growths," said co-head of the research team Gess Timate.

According to Timate, they have seen papers suggesting that a variety of seemingless harmless agents actually cause tumorous growths.

"Things like milk, reusing plastic bottles, that silvery stuff on scratch cards... even oral sex is not safe."

When asked whether these studies were peer-reviewed or backed up with scientific data, Timate just laughed. "I don't think that things like that matter. This is CANCER we are talking about!"

The shocking study has shocked scientists across the globe, with its shocking finds, such as the shocking new Amplified Delay Theory (ADT), which is a truly shocking theory indeed. Shocking. Did we mention it was shocking?

Timate explained that according to ADT the higher the amount of time that passes  after your exposure to a potential carcinogen, the higher your risk of dying from seemingly unrelated causes.

"We had one man who ate a banana when he was 4," he said to the gathered reporters, who will die of cancer in twelve years' time because of prolonged exposure to a man talking on a podium. "Bananas have high amounts of Potassium 40, or K-40, a radioactive isotope of this Group One metal. This radiation built up over 40 years, eventually causing a microtumor that got him shot eight times in a burglary-gone-wrong," he said.

Since the release, thousands of worried people have reportedly changed their lifestyles to avoid possible causes of cancer.

"When I read the report that was grossly misunderstood by journalists and edited to produce a fear-mongering scare tactic that sells papers, such as the MRM vaccine scandal a few years back, I immediately stopped eating ice cream, wearing black hats, and tying my shoe laces," said local resident James Fisher.

New studies suggest that even a cure for cancer
might be a possible carcinogen.

However, scientists have been quick to point out that such measures are futile.

"You can stop eating certain foods, or doing certain things, but there will always be something unavoidable that you have to do that will still cause cancer," said a man who for some reason has the letters P, H and D after his name. "Like breathing. Studies have shown that the more breaths you take in your life, the higher your risk of dying."

However, recent reports have suggested that dying is a potential cure that needs to be investigated. 

"We studied the corpses of animals and people and exhumed hundreds of post-life specimens, and have found that 100% of these cases had strangely developed absolutely no cancerous tumors," explained the author of the 200-page report Frank N. Stein. "There are some unwanted side-effects of this sort of treatment, such as a loss of conscious thought, a dramatic decrease in vital functions, and so on, but we think that the benefits outweigh the negatives. 

Meanwhile, similar news sources have recently reported on studies that have found that people with cancer are more likely to have cancer. 

"100 per cent of people with cancer are more than likely to have cancer,” explained the study’s author Jane Hockley. “This contrasts with the rest of the population, who do not have cancer.” The study included 200 participants, half of whom had cancer and half of whom did not.

*since the time of going to Press, Muse and Abuse is sad to report the death of local resident James Fisher, who died after tripping into a busy roadway. Cancer is suspected to have played a role.

Purple Thursday cures cancer, ends world hunger

Scientific studies from leading experts have left the world in shock after discovering that Purple Thursday is more than just an excuse to wear purple.

“When we first created it, Purple Thursday was our answer to everything,” said Student Representative Council (SRC) President Eumatter Sumbadhi. “’What are you gonna do about racism?’ they asked us. ‘Purple Thursday,’ we replied. What measures are in place to celebrate diversity and spread awareness for various campaigns? Purple Thursday. It solved anything, man.”

However, according to witness reports, the hitherto unknown mystical powers of the event quickly became apparent – Purple Thursday solved more than just social issues.

“I was feeling a bit under the weather one day, and my friend joked that I should go to Purple Thursday. I went, did my thing, and just like that my hangover dry cough was gone,” said first-year Finance student James Marion. “I knew that there had to be a link between the two.”

And soon enough scientists from the Rhodes University Department of Biochemistry had confirmed the rumours.

“We started with a sample of one hundred rodents – a fitting animal choice, I think you’ll agree. These rats had been diagnosed with various forms of cancer and leukaemia. We painted them purple, gave them some free pens, took a couple of cheesy pictures with them, posted these all on facebook, and lo and behold, the next day the cancer had totally disappeared,” said lead scientist for the project Dr Allan Quack. “It’s a modern-day miracle.”

Leaders from around the globe have marvelled at the event, hailing it as the best thing “since a beer twist-cap”. Similar tribute events have been kick-started in countries around the world, from famine-stricken Somalia to war-torn Afghanistan. The results have been astounding.

“We used to starve every day and fear for pirates until this so-called ‘Purple Thursday’ came along,” said a local Somali fisherman, grinning feverishly as he clutched the Scooters voucher he had just won in a lucky draw. “This day has changed everything. Now the only thing we fear is that the pirates will beat us in the 'most gees' photo competition.”

However, world hunger is not the only thing that has disappeared overnight. War, religious conflict, and homophobia have been reported to have utterly vanished across the globe.

“I remember when we used to bomb each other every day because we disagreed about whose land this was,” said Hamas soldier Al Ahu Akabar, an arm draped around his new Israeli friend who had just won the prize for ‘best dressed’. “Then we both realised that we were fighting over eternally pissed-off camels, endless desert and a sea that’s saltier and more disgusting than the Wednesday night Halaal-Fast res meal. Not exactly the promised land. There isn’t even a Debonair’s here.”

Uganda has seen its raging homophobia disappear in a poof overnight.

“I used to hate gays with all my soul,” said David Bahati, who introduced the October 2009 Anti-Homosexuality Bill, which threatened homosexuals with the death penalty. “I even said that I wanted to kill every last gay person. Now, thanks to Rhodes University's fantastic initiative, I realise that I’m just a hateful moron who believes that television encourages kids to be gay and who can’t stand the idea of two men holding hands,” he said, adding that in the spirit of the change they might even change the day to be a "Pink Thursday".

The effects of Purple Thursday, however, have also been evident closer to home in South Africa.

“Since the day has gone viral, corruption has shot down dramatically, meaning that now only 70% of taxpayers’ hard-earned Rands is misspent or ends up funding Chivas and Mercedes Z-classes,” said government spokesperson for Social Change, Inna Fectual. “The only thing Purple Thursday hasn’t fixed so far is the tap water in Grahamstown and our failing education system,” he said. “But let’s just be honest: it’ll take a bloody miracle to do that.”