According to Jake Hardington, lead researcher at the Institute of Studies into Studies, this newly published report, which looked into the mass of innumerable papers covering the potential causes of cancer between 1908 and 2013, has determined that "everything is a potential carcinogen."
"We've looked into a plethora of claims, and we've found that everything on this death bowl we call a world contributes to cancerous growths," said co-head of the research team Gess Timate.
According to Timate, they have seen papers suggesting that a variety of seemingless harmless agents actually cause tumorous growths.
"Things like milk, reusing plastic bottles, that silvery stuff on scratch cards... even oral sex is not safe."
When asked whether these studies were peer-reviewed or backed up with scientific data, Timate just laughed. "I don't think that things like that matter. This is CANCER we are talking about!"
The shocking study has shocked scientists across the globe, with its shocking finds, such as the shocking new Amplified Delay Theory (ADT), which is a truly shocking theory indeed. Shocking. Did we mention it was shocking?
Timate explained that according to ADT the higher the amount of time that passes after your exposure to a potential carcinogen, the higher your risk of dying from seemingly unrelated causes.
"We had one man who ate a banana when he was 4," he said to the gathered reporters, who will die of cancer in twelve years' time because of prolonged exposure to a man talking on a podium. "Bananas have high amounts of Potassium 40, or K-40, a radioactive isotope of this Group One metal. This radiation built up over 40 years, eventually causing a microtumor that got him shot eight times in a burglary-gone-wrong," he said.
Since the release, thousands of worried people have reportedly changed their lifestyles to avoid possible causes of cancer.
"When I read the report
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| New studies suggest that even a cure for cancer might be a possible carcinogen. |
However, scientists have been quick to point out that such measures are futile.
"You can stop eating certain foods, or doing certain things, but there will always be something unavoidable that you have to do that will still cause cancer," said a man who for some reason has the letters P, H and D after his name. "Like breathing. Studies have shown that the more breaths you take in your life, the higher your risk of dying."
However, recent reports have suggested that dying is a potential cure that needs to be investigated.
"We studied the corpses of animals and people and exhumed hundreds of post-life specimens, and have found that 100% of these cases had strangely developed absolutely no cancerous tumors," explained the author of the 200-page report Frank N. Stein. "There are some unwanted side-effects of this sort of treatment, such as a loss of conscious thought, a dramatic decrease in vital functions, and so on, but we think that the benefits outweigh the negatives.
Meanwhile, similar news sources have recently reported on studies that have found that people with cancer are more likely to have cancer.
"100 per cent of people with cancer are more than likely to have cancer,” explained the study’s author Jane Hockley. “This contrasts with the rest of the population, who do not have cancer.” The study included 200 participants, half of whom had cancer and half of whom did not.
*since the time of going to Press, Muse and Abuse is sad to report the death of local resident James Fisher, who died after tripping into a busy roadway. Cancer is suspected to have played a role.
