Ban unhealthy smoking in bars, say disgruntled alcoholics

A countrywide ban on smoking in bars is now a distinct possibility, after the binge-drinking community came together a unanimous front aimed at ending “disgusting, dangerous and unhealthy smoking”.

Weekend bar-goers now say that it’s time they put a stop to the health-destroying and irresponsible risks associated with second-hand smoke.

“The risks of lung cancer, emphysema and other respiratory or pulmonary diseases is just unacceptable, especially in children,” said 48-year-old bargoer Courtiney Chand. “How can we possibly sleep at night when there are potentially hundreds of 15- and 16-year-olds in bars across the country being exposed to the affronting and live-threatening drug that is cigarettes?”

Bar patrons across the nation are now calling for a unilateral ban on smoking in any public bar or late-night drinking hole.

“The smokers are putting us all at unnecessary risk, and endangering the health and lives of everyone around them,” said founder of the antismoking organisation Down-Down With Smoking, Sam Buka. “It’s just ridiculous – you’ve only been in the bar for a few minutes, you’ve only had your first of seven tequila shots, and already you stink of smoke. Lord knows how all those fumes are affecting your health.”

Other drinkers agree.

“It’s so awful – last weekend I absolutely stank of smoke after just a dozen beers,” said 26-year-old Kay Nansoda. “It was so disgusting that while I was driving home on the N2 I just had to pull out my phone and message all my friends telling them how reckless and uncaring about the health and safety of others all these smokers are.”

And with bar owners and bartenders standing behind their customers, lawmakers say a municipal bylaw outlawing these deathsticks could be just around the corner.

“We just want to create a safe space for our clients,” said bar owner Cyril Siss. “We want our decades-loyal customers to be able to come to their weekend binges, drink litres of vodka and go home alone with strangers to have unprotected sex, without having to worry about second-hand smoke threatening their health or safety - and that's all we'll settle for: no ifs, ands, or butts.”

China wins most beautiful sunset award

Years of hard work and extensive investment in large power plants and industrial centres have finally paid off today, after China finally cinched the international award for World’s Best Sunsets.

In a large and mandatory-attendance address given by President Xi Jinping of the People’s Republic of China, the country humbly accepted the award, paying homage to the “thousands of hours and lives” that had gone into the decades- long project.

“It’s been a long, hard journey,” said the president, a tear (that had nothing to do with the high levels of industrial smog in the air) in his eye. “It’s cost us millions of dollars, but it’s all been worth it. I think you and your one child can agree, the sacrifice has finally paid off.”

International awards committees were unanimous in their praise for the magnificent achievement, saying that, in terms of sunsets , there was just no competition.

“It’s utterly breathtaking,” said one reviewer on the awards selection committee panel, “and I mean that both literally and figuratively. Best of all, the sunset starts at about 3pm. The improvements to God’s canvas of light have been stunning – the dense layer of dust and smoke that gives the sun its characteristic beautiful auburn glow starts almost directly overhead, making for magnificent viewing at any moment of the day. Thanks to their ceaseless efforts, there aren’t even any natural obstacles, like trees or low-flying birds, to spoil the view.”

China’s tourism industry has long boasted their twilight spectacle, which is the world’s first ever scented sunset.

“With a robust – and some might say powerfully aromatic – odour, our sunset’s metallic and chemical overtones, which are complemented by a smoky, ashy finish that lingers on the palate, are perfectly representative of the sweet, sweet smell of human and industrial progress.”

The achievement has its controversies too, however, with economists and financial experts constantly debating the issue.

“It might be the world’s most beautiful sunset,” said financial analyst Paul Fiscal, “but it’s also one of the most expensive. Many don’t know this, but China has to keep nearly four-hundred coal-fired power plants running at overcapacity every day just to keep their oranges and golds that vibrant and luminous. This is above and beyond the millions of cars and busses that fill the streets. In today’s competitive market – especially with the fact that the world’s natural weather system naturally spreads our Sunset Beautifying Agents, like Sulphur Dioxide and Heavy Metal compounds, to other countries, China is going to have to step up their game if it wants to stay competitive in a world that is slowly but surely seeing these incredible sunsets becoming more and more commonplace.”

China, however, has taken this challenge confidently.

“Even if countries are stepping up their game and ignoring the Kyoto agreement – even if they triple their Sunset Development Programs – we are confident that China will be the world leader in beautiful sunsets until the end of the world,” said Minister of Natural Development Pol Hu-shun. “Which should be for about seven years or so.”

Pics (modified): Tyvek suits from Jarek Tuszynski, Sunset from PLJ, and nuclear waste from Christian Fischer.