Ban unhealthy smoking in bars, say disgruntled alcoholics

A countrywide ban on smoking in bars is now a distinct possibility, after the binge-drinking community came together a unanimous front aimed at ending “disgusting, dangerous and unhealthy smoking”.

Weekend bar-goers now say that it’s time they put a stop to the health-destroying and irresponsible risks associated with second-hand smoke.

“The risks of lung cancer, emphysema and other respiratory or pulmonary diseases is just unacceptable, especially in children,” said 48-year-old bargoer Courtiney Chand. “How can we possibly sleep at night when there are potentially hundreds of 15- and 16-year-olds in bars across the country being exposed to the affronting and live-threatening drug that is cigarettes?”

Bar patrons across the nation are now calling for a unilateral ban on smoking in any public bar or late-night drinking hole.

“The smokers are putting us all at unnecessary risk, and endangering the health and lives of everyone around them,” said founder of the antismoking organisation Down-Down With Smoking, Sam Buka. “It’s just ridiculous – you’ve only been in the bar for a few minutes, you’ve only had your first of seven tequila shots, and already you stink of smoke. Lord knows how all those fumes are affecting your health.”

Other drinkers agree.

“It’s so awful – last weekend I absolutely stank of smoke after just a dozen beers,” said 26-year-old Kay Nansoda. “It was so disgusting that while I was driving home on the N2 I just had to pull out my phone and message all my friends telling them how reckless and uncaring about the health and safety of others all these smokers are.”

And with bar owners and bartenders standing behind their customers, lawmakers say a municipal bylaw outlawing these deathsticks could be just around the corner.

“We just want to create a safe space for our clients,” said bar owner Cyril Siss. “We want our decades-loyal customers to be able to come to their weekend binges, drink litres of vodka and go home alone with strangers to have unprotected sex, without having to worry about second-hand smoke threatening their health or safety - and that's all we'll settle for: no ifs, ands, or butts.”

American anti-terrorism measures stop terrorist

After years of systematic discrimination scrutiny, the United States Department of Counter-Terrorism has finally caught a terrorist.

John McCorrin, whom the media have dubbed Mohammed Al Shazir Al-Habar Muhammed Mahalamoud, was caught trying to enter the country yesterday afternoon with almost 1 kilogram of explosives. 

"The man was apprehended at Los Angeles airport with a bag of explosives in his luggage," said DCT spokesperson Miss Repree Zentation. "We can neither confirm nor deny yet whether or not the material was nuclear, but we can tell you that they all came in packages with frightening codenames."

Among the explosives found were small bombs codenamed "Roman Candles".
 
"We also found a small amount of projectname 'Tom Thumbs' and a few insidious-sounding 'Birthday Sparklers'. While we're not sure of the significance of these names, we can only assume they have something to do with rampant Islamic militant violence and democracy-hating right-wing religious facism,"  said Zentation.

Their suspicions were first raised when an alert came through on their global telecommunications monitoring network. According to senior analysts, the message sent between Mahalamoud and an as-yet unnamed accomplice was spine-tinglingly chilling. 

"I've got everything we need to finish off tomorrow night with a bang," the message read. "We're going to drop a lot of jaws with our little show. I'll see you soon, brother. Allah hu Akbar."

The system, which has been coded to pick up keywords like "bomb", "terrorist", "nuclear" and "muslim", been illegally monitoring calls, smses, and emails since before 2001. According to head of the project, Ian Ternet, this is the first time the system has picked up a media-branded confirmed terrorist.

"We usually a lot of false pings, like from any message talking about basically any video, internet post, movie or television show that has a muslim in it. We also get a lot of false hits from Star Wars," said Ternet.
 

Admiral Ackbar's name is often confused with praise to Allah, says Ternet

"You know, movies show us that terrorist carry around AK-47s, have turbans and scowling dark faces and inevitably scream "allah who allackbar" in crowded airports. It turns out that this isn't really the case all the time," said LAX arresting officer Ray Sist.

According to Sist, Mahalamoud almost snuck by airport staff by using an extremely cunning disguise. "To the untrained eye, he almost looked like an innocent, law-abiding citizen: no giant beard, no burkha, nothing. He almost got away," said Sist.

It was only after frisking twenty men who didn't have names like "Brett", "Kyle" and "Dylan" that their suspicions were aroused. "He had a very funny accent," said Sist. According to current security policy, funny accents are ground enough for a full cavity search.

However, Mahalamoud has been quick to defend himself. 

"I'm not a terrorist, for pete's sakes! I'm an architect living in Florida!" he said in an interview with those bastards from the loose, bleeding-heart, America-hating liberal leftist press.

Mahalamoud is expected to go on trial next month, with movie production for the series of events already underway. The movie, entitled "America fucks up another terrorist, booya" and starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chuck Norris and Sylvester Stallone, will hit god-fearing, gun-loving cinemas in early May.

Admiral Ackbar's name is often confused with praise to Allah, says Ternet