Ban unhealthy smoking in bars, say disgruntled alcoholics

A countrywide ban on smoking in bars is now a distinct possibility, after the binge-drinking community came together a unanimous front aimed at ending “disgusting, dangerous and unhealthy smoking”.

Weekend bar-goers now say that it’s time they put a stop to the health-destroying and irresponsible risks associated with second-hand smoke.

“The risks of lung cancer, emphysema and other respiratory or pulmonary diseases is just unacceptable, especially in children,” said 48-year-old bargoer Courtiney Chand. “How can we possibly sleep at night when there are potentially hundreds of 15- and 16-year-olds in bars across the country being exposed to the affronting and live-threatening drug that is cigarettes?”

Bar patrons across the nation are now calling for a unilateral ban on smoking in any public bar or late-night drinking hole.

“The smokers are putting us all at unnecessary risk, and endangering the health and lives of everyone around them,” said founder of the antismoking organisation Down-Down With Smoking, Sam Buka. “It’s just ridiculous – you’ve only been in the bar for a few minutes, you’ve only had your first of seven tequila shots, and already you stink of smoke. Lord knows how all those fumes are affecting your health.”

Other drinkers agree.

“It’s so awful – last weekend I absolutely stank of smoke after just a dozen beers,” said 26-year-old Kay Nansoda. “It was so disgusting that while I was driving home on the N2 I just had to pull out my phone and message all my friends telling them how reckless and uncaring about the health and safety of others all these smokers are.”

And with bar owners and bartenders standing behind their customers, lawmakers say a municipal bylaw outlawing these deathsticks could be just around the corner.

“We just want to create a safe space for our clients,” said bar owner Cyril Siss. “We want our decades-loyal customers to be able to come to their weekend binges, drink litres of vodka and go home alone with strangers to have unprotected sex, without having to worry about second-hand smoke threatening their health or safety - and that's all we'll settle for: no ifs, ands, or butts.”

Racist shocked at friend’s overt display of liberalism

Friends and family of a Johannesburg man have expressed disgust and shock today, after his embarrassing and brazen display of outright liberalism at a dinner last night.

According to those closest to 26-year-old Jacob Van Rensburg, the liberal-arts student went on a “long and loathsome” rant about equal rights and the so-called ‘unscientific approach to apparently race-based characteristics’.

“We were just sitting there, having a nice dinner, enjoying a lovely couple of beers, talking about how these blerrie baboons are destroying the country, and he suddenly just blurts out this vile and twisted monologue about ‘outmoded stereotypes’ and ‘a backwards and overly facile conflation of genetic and socioeconomic factors’,” said Jacob’s father, Adrien Willem Bennie (AWB) Van Rensburg. “I think it goes without saying that we’re all utterly repulsed by this horrific outburst of tolerance and understanding.”

His mother recalled the traumatising evening, fighting back her tears.

“It was such a nice get-together,” she recalled. “His uncles from Orania and our grandfather, who emigrated to Australia in April of 1994, had come down for the holidays. Anyway, we were talking about the crime problem and Eskom and corruption and thievery, when Jakkie just starts yammering on about how racial characteristics have no innate bearing on intelligence. It was so embarrassing! And he was doing it right in front of our white waiter! I think the worst thing was that we couldn’t even chide him on his awful, naïve, worldly views because he was paying for the meal.”

Jacob has since apologised for his “utterly loathesome rant”, saying that he had assumed it was safe to air such unconventional views.

“You know, I’d had a bit too much to drink, a few too many beers, and I thought that I was in a safe, private space – among family and like-minded friends,” he explained contritely. “I apologise for my deeply shameful words, and promise to never again let such lucidity and common sense come between me and my family again.”

His family have since accepted his apology, saying that Jacob ‘seems to be on the right track again.’

“We’re confident he’s realised the error of his ways,” said his father. “I mean, yesterday he dropped the k-bomb when a waiter short-changed us.”

“Now if we could only do something about his stupid stance against homophobia.”

F1 fan, 34, singlehandedly guides Hamilton to victory

Fans of watching bunches of million-dollar deathwagons blurring around the same stretch of tarmac for hours on end were surprised this morning, after a-bunch-of-times winner of Formula One Grand Prix Louis Hamilton attributed his latest victory to the unfailing and sound advice of 34-year-old Devonshire man and part-time Formula One strategist, Harold Cress.

According to Hamilton, it was Cress’s brilliant strategies and race advice, yelled across the stadium to him from seat G-127 in the public grandstand, that led him to victory.

“Listening to the megadecibal roar of thousands of people yelling their support, which one would assume is drowned out by the relentless shriek of thousand-horsepower jets on wheels screaming across the track, you’d think that we drivers wouldn’t be able to hear a word you’re saying,” said Hamilton, "but nothing could be further from the truth.”

Hamilton, whose race got off to a shaky start when he slipped into fifth behind a nameless Italian man whose name would be important if he could just win this season, says it was Cress and Cress only who paved the way to victory.

“When I heard him shout out, loud and clear, above thousands of others, telling me ‘pull left, come up fast and pass him low on turn four’ I thought ‘Jesus, why didn’t I think of that? It’s brilliant!’”

The incredible news comes just weeks after similar reports credited Chelsea’s 2-0 win over Liverpool to part-time mechanic and part-time professional FIFA referee Shirley Reff.

“All the time while we were playing, in spite of the drone of ten thousand spectators, we heard Miss Reff’s commentary and guidance, which was graciously beamed telepathically to us by the television camera people who had installed a microphone in Shirley’s favourite pub earlier on that day,” read Chelsea’s statement. It went on to say that she first caught their attention after local scouts reported her ‘brilliant acuity and quick tactical thinking, especially after three beers’.

Following these announcements, however, professional referees have been told by FIFA to issue a series of formal apologies to Reff and countless other part-time professional referees across the globe, after realising that match officials had missed countless penalty offenses, fouls and rules violations. Officials, however, have remained obstinate, saying that the lack of a TV on the field hampers their ability.

“Because we have to be there live instead of seeing in 1080p HD with slow-motion replays, we can’t do our job properly,” they said, adding that it probably didn’t help that they were always obviously biased against whatever team you were rooting for.

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