Conclusive link found between football and brain damage

The sporting world has been dealt a scathing blow today, after scientists discovered a definite and causal link between violent contact sports – such as rugby and American football – and lasting brain damage.

The team of researchers say that long-term exposure to these high-impact sports causes debilitating neurological disorders – and that’s just the fans.

Doctors now fear what this could mean for the actual players.

”Despite all the naysaying, suppression of evidence, and silencing of testimony from the NFL, we can finally draw a link between this vicious sport and the cognitive retardation of those exposed to it,” said senior researcher for the Institute of Neurological Disorders, Allie Lebleu. “Our research now suggests that it can only be worse if you actually play the sport itself.”

Lebleu outlined their important and controversial work.

”We took a careful look at these sports, and found they mostly comprise moaning, semi-literate, partially educated males, often from backgrounds with little to no mental stimulation or exposure to worldly ideas or books. Our findings show that these men grow up in an ultra-violent, hyper-masculine environment that teaches them to love these games religiously and physically harm other groups of men all in the name of some meaningless trinkets or trophies,” she said.

“And we haven’t even started looking at the players yet,” she added. “God, I’m terrified what we may discover.”

However, despite the damning report, sporting officials from across the world have scorned the shocking discoveries.

“We’re sure that, with the right evidence picked from the heaps of studies, and the right doctors given the right resources by us, we’ll find a way to explain away these fears,” said spokesperson for the National Football League, Dee Menshia. “There is absolutely no reason to panic and pay attention to these reports – not unless you’re one of our legal representatives.”

And players agree, standing by their parent organisations’ rebuttals.

“Daaaaaaaw fooowsbawl is safe, daaa. Not danger me. Me safe. Me smart,” said 27-year-old Patriots Linebacker, Connor Cushen, holding up a crayon drawing of his happy team and smiling coach as proof. “I hit good coach say. Make bally ball go fly fly win score get shiney neck medal.”

However, the contradicting sides have fans confused.

“I’m not 100%, but I really think there has to be a link between football and being monumentally stupid,” said one New Zealand supporter. “Just look at Adam Sandler: he starred in Water Boy and now he is a drooling and incomprehensible developmentally challenged imbecile. Holy shit, have you seen the sequel, Grown Ups 2?! What more proof do you need?”

F1 fan, 34, singlehandedly guides Hamilton to victory

Fans of watching bunches of million-dollar deathwagons blurring around the same stretch of tarmac for hours on end were surprised this morning, after a-bunch-of-times winner of Formula One Grand Prix Louis Hamilton attributed his latest victory to the unfailing and sound advice of 34-year-old Devonshire man and part-time Formula One strategist, Harold Cress.

According to Hamilton, it was Cress’s brilliant strategies and race advice, yelled across the stadium to him from seat G-127 in the public grandstand, that led him to victory.

“Listening to the megadecibal roar of thousands of people yelling their support, which one would assume is drowned out by the relentless shriek of thousand-horsepower jets on wheels screaming across the track, you’d think that we drivers wouldn’t be able to hear a word you’re saying,” said Hamilton, "but nothing could be further from the truth.”

Hamilton, whose race got off to a shaky start when he slipped into fifth behind a nameless Italian man whose name would be important if he could just win this season, says it was Cress and Cress only who paved the way to victory.

“When I heard him shout out, loud and clear, above thousands of others, telling me ‘pull left, come up fast and pass him low on turn four’ I thought ‘Jesus, why didn’t I think of that? It’s brilliant!’”

The incredible news comes just weeks after similar reports credited Chelsea’s 2-0 win over Liverpool to part-time mechanic and part-time professional FIFA referee Shirley Reff.

“All the time while we were playing, in spite of the drone of ten thousand spectators, we heard Miss Reff’s commentary and guidance, which was graciously beamed telepathically to us by the television camera people who had installed a microphone in Shirley’s favourite pub earlier on that day,” read Chelsea’s statement. It went on to say that she first caught their attention after local scouts reported her ‘brilliant acuity and quick tactical thinking, especially after three beers’.

Following these announcements, however, professional referees have been told by FIFA to issue a series of formal apologies to Reff and countless other part-time professional referees across the globe, after realising that match officials had missed countless penalty offenses, fouls and rules violations. Officials, however, have remained obstinate, saying that the lack of a TV on the field hampers their ability.

“Because we have to be there live instead of seeing in 1080p HD with slow-motion replays, we can’t do our job properly,” they said, adding that it probably didn’t help that they were always obviously biased against whatever team you were rooting for.

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