Conclusive link found between football and brain damage

The sporting world has been dealt a scathing blow today, after scientists discovered a definite and causal link between violent contact sports – such as rugby and American football – and lasting brain damage.

The team of researchers say that long-term exposure to these high-impact sports causes debilitating neurological disorders – and that’s just the fans.

Doctors now fear what this could mean for the actual players.

”Despite all the naysaying, suppression of evidence, and silencing of testimony from the NFL, we can finally draw a link between this vicious sport and the cognitive retardation of those exposed to it,” said senior researcher for the Institute of Neurological Disorders, Allie Lebleu. “Our research now suggests that it can only be worse if you actually play the sport itself.”

Lebleu outlined their important and controversial work.

”We took a careful look at these sports, and found they mostly comprise moaning, semi-literate, partially educated males, often from backgrounds with little to no mental stimulation or exposure to worldly ideas or books. Our findings show that these men grow up in an ultra-violent, hyper-masculine environment that teaches them to love these games religiously and physically harm other groups of men all in the name of some meaningless trinkets or trophies,” she said.

“And we haven’t even started looking at the players yet,” she added. “God, I’m terrified what we may discover.”

However, despite the damning report, sporting officials from across the world have scorned the shocking discoveries.

“We’re sure that, with the right evidence picked from the heaps of studies, and the right doctors given the right resources by us, we’ll find a way to explain away these fears,” said spokesperson for the National Football League, Dee Menshia. “There is absolutely no reason to panic and pay attention to these reports – not unless you’re one of our legal representatives.”

And players agree, standing by their parent organisations’ rebuttals.

“Daaaaaaaw fooowsbawl is safe, daaa. Not danger me. Me safe. Me smart,” said 27-year-old Patriots Linebacker, Connor Cushen, holding up a crayon drawing of his happy team and smiling coach as proof. “I hit good coach say. Make bally ball go fly fly win score get shiney neck medal.”

However, the contradicting sides have fans confused.

“I’m not 100%, but I really think there has to be a link between football and being monumentally stupid,” said one New Zealand supporter. “Just look at Adam Sandler: he starred in Water Boy and now he is a drooling and incomprehensible developmentally challenged imbecile. Holy shit, have you seen the sequel, Grown Ups 2?! What more proof do you need?”

Vaccines "also cause stupidity"

Fear is sweeping the world once more, after a scientific trial has shown conclusive evidence that vaccines cause "extreme stupidity".

Saying that the study followed closely in the footsteps of the controversial MMR-Autism study of 2012, lead researcher for the Institute of Vaccination Studies, Charl Hatanrie explained that there was "an overwhelming link between being vaccinated and also being as stupid as fuck".

"If we look at the majority of hateful, bigoted commentators on the internet and also the vast majority of anti-vaccination conspiracy nuts who stand firmly by their anti-science, anti-logic and anti-reason ideals, we see that nearly 99% of these are vaccinated," he said. "Obviously there's a link between these two. That's how science works."

And a follow-up study of 12 "incredibly stupid" people has since confirmed parents' and scientists' worst fears.

"Looking at this hand-picked group of utterly thick 37-year-olds, we immediately see on their medical records that they've all been vaccinated against diphtheria, measles, tuberculosis, Polio, whooping cough and many other diseases. In each and every one of these cases, they believe there to be a direct and unequivocal link between the MMR vaccine and autism. We can only deduce that vaccines made them as mind-bogglingly gormless as they so obviously are."

Scientists were originally hoping to find a vaccine against human imbecility, after a recent breakthrough brought us a vaccine against vaccine-caused-autism.

But now studies have since shown that "most morons alive today" - whether they believe evolution is a lie, that Santa Claus is real, or that the Earth lies at the center of the universe – are all similarly vaccinated.

"Scientists murp on about how vaccines have saved millions of lives across the planet – but there are millions of face-palmingly stupid people living right now and spreading their blithering idiocy on websites across the globe," said Hatanrie. "We are currently experiencing the largest international outbreak of stupidity since selfies were invented."

"How many fewer dumb fucks would be around today to cherry-pick unreviewed or outright discredited studies of the dangers of vaccines and thus reintroduce long-dead epidemics if science hadn't meddled?" he said. "How many PhD-carrying experts would be called 'Big Pharma shills' if we'd just sheathed those deadly needles? And more importantly, would the Kardashians even exist?"

The World Health Organisation has now kicked off a program of vaccination cutbacks, aimed at creating a "dumbfuck-free world" by 2020.

"Yes, we'll see a decrease of the world population in a magnitude of billions, as well as millions of small children suffering and dying from long-gone illnesses that our grandparents barely had to deal with, but it's what needs to be done," said President of the WHO, Coral Ashun. "If we want a future free of racist news website comment boards, it's sacrifice that we need to make."

And surprisingly, parents are excited.

"It's what we've wanted all along: an end to these dangerous, awful injections," said internet crawler and mother of two, Erica Danes. "I'm so, so happy: because now I can be sure we're going into a brighter future where my kids won't get autism, even if they live long enough to develop symptoms."

“I actually had nothing to do with that,” says God

Speaking on the unending slew of Facebook statuses, tweets and internet posts thanking Him for His Divine assistance in their exam results, job and university applications, and a wide range of other unexpected successes, God, our Heavenly Father and Creator of all living things, today revealed that He actually played “little to no role” in most of it.

“I know that it might look like I played a vital, incredibly crucial role in securing your place for study at university next year, or that, without me, you would have no doubt utterly bombed out on your final exams,” said the more-than-6000-year-old Lord Our Father reading the incessant flood of tributes on social media to Him. “But actually I didn’t even get involved in any of that.”

His admission was extensive and frank.

“That scholarship to study overseas? Well, didn’t Jessica study late into the night all Me-damned year to get good enough grades for it? Honestly, I’d say that the tireless efforts of her passionate and committed teachers – especially Mrs Archibald, the grade-twelve English teacher who gave her extra lessons and wrote her a beaming reference letter – played a larger role.”

“And honestly, I think we all know who really got Eric Shafer that new luxury BMW sedan,” God confessed. “After all, I’m not the one he has to give fixed monthly payments with 17.3% compounded interest for the next three years.”

In fact, said the Unknowable and Divine Alpha and Omega, the list of blessed souls in the recent past has been much shorter than his Facebook feed claims.

“I mean, I haven’t been totally inactive. There were all those people I helped last year with their university exams. And I DID help that one woman out: old Judy McGinnon,” He said. “Her son, Little Timmy, had a slightly high temperature and an irksome cough, so I gave her a little bit of a helping hand.”

“I thought, ‘it’s the least I can do to help out someone in their desperate time of need’,” He explained. “Well, it was either her or that Fazila chick in the United Arab Emirates who was in that whole ‘about-to-be-beheaded-for-apostasy’ thing. But I think we both know I made the right decision.”

God, our Father in Heaven, said that while almost daily stepping-in on the affairs of mortals was something He used to do several times a month, in more recently times it is no longer considered His Divine Will and Policy.

“I used to help out all the time, you know,” He said. “You know, this person wants to win the Lottery, that person doesn’t want to miss their flight after bad traffic on the M-21, yada yada, but I kinda stopped all that after Irealised how it was seriously cutting in the time I wanted to spend focusing on the little things, like famines, epidemics, wars, murders, crimes, and terminal illnesses in young children.“

“Besides, last time I helped out someone it was that little Ahmed Farouk kid in Baghdad with his inoperable leukemia,’ he said. “I stepped in, made it disappear in a modern-day miracle, and what does the ungrateful little shit go and do? Thanked Allah for it. Bastard.”

New Medical Aid scheme to cover cost of dying in crowded public hospital waiting room

Citizens are in grand-mal seizures of joy this morning, after medical insurance companies announced a partnership aimed at providing “comprehensive coverage for normal people who use - and die in - public hospitals.”

“We all know that the wealthy and well-to-do are totally covered whenever they have a serious incident, but what about poor people queuing up in our ramshackle public hospitals?” said spokesperson for the medical insurance partnership, Charlie Tanquack. “There’s a massive market of hundreds of thousands of South Africans who have these kinds of experiences – and we just want to be there for them and their monthly premiums.”

Tanquack says that, while most medical insurance schemes would just work out some way to drop you as a client as soon as massive bills come in, this new offering would at least cover the cost of dying in an overcrowded hospital ward as you wait for a liver transport that will never come.

“We’re looking to provide comprehensive cover of all your public hospital experiences,” he explained, “whether it’s slowly succumbing to your stab wounds in a broken chair four rows away from the unmanned admissions desk as a bored desk clerk undertakes an uninspired search for your missing hospital records, or finally losing a long and painful struggle in a thin, filthy bed to what is in reality an easily treatable bacterial infection.”

Doctors have since praised the Aid scheme, saying it is guaranteed to cover of all the typical medical errors low-income citizens can expect from the underfunded, overworked public medical professionals who have to cope with inexperienced, badly sourced staff and poorly supported and overcrowded facilities.

“Obviously they can’t just give you good, affordable access to quality medical care that would ensure the safety and health of you and your loved ones,” said head oncologist and senior MD at Groot Schuur Hospital, Dr Skanye Falumps. “No, that would be entirely contrary to the very idea of a Medical Aid. But what they can do is make sure that you’re at least comfortably in your last, otherwise easily preventable and curable moments. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been prescribed Panado and Rennies for a broken back, or been told your AIDS can be cured without the help of Antiretroviral medicine. They’re there for you.”

And in a bold move, Medicaid is proud to announce that they’ll fully support the costs of euthanasia – with no extra cost.

"I think we can agree that paying for that expensive treatment to cure your affliction is totally impossibly,” said Dr Tanquack. “But we’re sure that with this gesture towards our terminally ill clients, we will show you exactly how much you are worth to us.”

Walt Disney Studios to remake “more realistic” children’s films

Citing their gross factual inaccuracies, naively unrealistic narratives and horridly misrepresented depictions of historical record, world-famous children’s animated features king Walt Disney Pictures announced today that they would be remaking the classic and timeless tales to “more accurately show what real life is about.”

“Our pictures often show a naïve and crassly optimistic version of utopian society, while utterly ignoring the factual truth about the horrible, awful places our stories happen in. This is slowly making our children think that the world is a good, fair and wonderful place devoid of cruelty and inequality – a world were princesses break into song with forest critters,” said head producer of WDP, Poe Kahontus. “Basically we’re the children’s movies version of History Channel, just with less alien, UFOs and Nazi conspiracy theories.”

The remakes – which are scheduled for a number of the heart-warming but lie-packed feature films – will give your kids a fantastic and historically accurate look at what life would really have been like for many of the classic Disney protagonists, by using gore, language, and gritty realism to hammer home the message of Realism.

The real Pocahontas, complete with 19th Century
crack pipe - which Disney "totally forgot to mention"
pic:Wikimedia Commons

“Take Pocahontas, for example – one of our most loved tales of all. It’s the story about love conquering all, uniting a warring people across otherwise insurmountable cultural and linguistic differences,” he said. “Pretty fucking stupid, right?"

"In the remake, instead of true love overcoming even the most dangerous and overwhelming obstacles, her people will be attacked, raped, murdered, enslaved and persecuted, their homes and farms burned the ground, their hunting grounds and sacred burial places stolen for mining operations. Having no natural immunity to European diseases, they will succumb to smallpox and a number of horrid illnesses. Slowly their people will be marginalised, their land and wealth whittled away into ever-smaller plot euphemistically called ‘reservations’, which they will inevitably be forced to convert into tax-free casinos to be able to earn a decent wage. What better way to teach your child the dangers of racial inequality and intolerance?”

The possibilities, said Kahontus, are endless.

“In Alladin, we could correct the misconception that Agraba is a peaceful, vibrant city where even the poorest man can become a prince if he dreams hard enough. Instead, we can teach our kids a valuable lesson about the brutal caste system and the class disparities in wealth and privilege that are inherent in an unequal monarchy that has a fondness for overly-brutal police thugs who cherish summary capital punishment without trial for minor offenses like shoplifting.”

Parents are reported thrilled by the accouncement, and are lining up to buy copies of the new, improved tapes.

“If my kids had watched a 101 Dalmatians in which the dogs crapped everywhere, barked all night long at nothing in particular, and needed constant caring for by responsible owners who have money enough to support the intrinsic costs associated with owning the canine equivalent of a police siren that periodically craps itself,” said one,” instead of some bloody malarkey tale about dogs who beat an old rich woman and her cronies, perhaps I wouldn’t have to take Fido to the vet for sleepy-sleepy injections because he keeps peeing on my sofa and chewing my shoes.”

Child development psychologists now estimate that by at least 2018, childhood wonderment and innocence – or ignorance, rather – will be a thing of the past.