Fear is sweeping the world once more, after a scientific trial has shown conclusive evidence that vaccines cause "extreme stupidity".
Saying that the study followed closely in the footsteps of the controversial MMR-Autism study of 2012, lead researcher for the Institute of Vaccination Studies, Charl Hatanrie explained that there was "an overwhelming link between being vaccinated and also being as stupid as fuck".
"If we look at the majority of hateful, bigoted commentators on the internet and also the vast majority of anti-vaccination conspiracy nuts who stand firmly by their anti-science, anti-logic and anti-reason ideals, we see that nearly 99% of these are vaccinated," he said. "Obviously there's a link between these two. That's how science works."
And a follow-up study of 12 "incredibly stupid" people has since confirmed parents' and scientists' worst fears.
"Looking at this hand-picked group of utterly thick 37-year-olds, we immediately see on their medical records that they've all been vaccinated against diphtheria, measles, tuberculosis, Polio, whooping cough and many other diseases. In each and every one of these cases, they believe there to be a direct and unequivocal link between the MMR vaccine and autism. We can only deduce that vaccines made them as mind-bogglingly gormless as they so obviously are."
Scientists were originally hoping to find a vaccine against human imbecility, after a recent breakthrough brought us a vaccine against vaccine-caused-autism.
But now studies have since shown that "most morons alive today" - whether they believe evolution is a lie, that Santa Claus is real, or that the Earth lies at the center of the universe – are all similarly vaccinated.
"Scientists murp on about how vaccines have saved millions of lives across the planet – but there are millions of face-palmingly stupid people living right now and spreading their blithering idiocy on websites across the globe," said Hatanrie. "We are currently experiencing the largest international outbreak of stupidity since selfies were invented."
"How many fewer dumb fucks would be around today to cherry-pick unreviewed or outright discredited studies of the dangers of vaccines and thus reintroduce long-dead epidemics if science hadn't meddled?" he said. "How many PhD-carrying experts would be called 'Big Pharma shills' if we'd just sheathed those deadly needles? And more importantly, would the Kardashians even exist?"
The World Health Organisation has now kicked off a program of vaccination cutbacks, aimed at creating a "dumbfuck-free world" by 2020.
"Yes, we'll see a decrease of the world population in a magnitude of billions, as well as millions of small children suffering and dying from long-gone illnesses that our grandparents barely had to deal with, but it's what needs to be done," said President of the WHO, Coral Ashun. "If we want a future free of racist news website comment boards, it's sacrifice that we need to make."
And surprisingly, parents are excited.
"It's what we've wanted all along: an end to these dangerous, awful injections," said internet crawler and mother of two, Erica Danes. "I'm so, so happy: because now I can be sure we're going into a brighter future where my kids won't get autism, even if they live long enough to develop symptoms."
