Vaccines "also cause stupidity"

Fear is sweeping the world once more, after a scientific trial has shown conclusive evidence that vaccines cause "extreme stupidity".

Saying that the study followed closely in the footsteps of the controversial MMR-Autism study of 2012, lead researcher for the Institute of Vaccination Studies, Charl Hatanrie explained that there was "an overwhelming link between being vaccinated and also being as stupid as fuck".

"If we look at the majority of hateful, bigoted commentators on the internet and also the vast majority of anti-vaccination conspiracy nuts who stand firmly by their anti-science, anti-logic and anti-reason ideals, we see that nearly 99% of these are vaccinated," he said. "Obviously there's a link between these two. That's how science works."

And a follow-up study of 12 "incredibly stupid" people has since confirmed parents' and scientists' worst fears.

"Looking at this hand-picked group of utterly thick 37-year-olds, we immediately see on their medical records that they've all been vaccinated against diphtheria, measles, tuberculosis, Polio, whooping cough and many other diseases. In each and every one of these cases, they believe there to be a direct and unequivocal link between the MMR vaccine and autism. We can only deduce that vaccines made them as mind-bogglingly gormless as they so obviously are."

Scientists were originally hoping to find a vaccine against human imbecility, after a recent breakthrough brought us a vaccine against vaccine-caused-autism.

But now studies have since shown that "most morons alive today" - whether they believe evolution is a lie, that Santa Claus is real, or that the Earth lies at the center of the universe – are all similarly vaccinated.

"Scientists murp on about how vaccines have saved millions of lives across the planet – but there are millions of face-palmingly stupid people living right now and spreading their blithering idiocy on websites across the globe," said Hatanrie. "We are currently experiencing the largest international outbreak of stupidity since selfies were invented."

"How many fewer dumb fucks would be around today to cherry-pick unreviewed or outright discredited studies of the dangers of vaccines and thus reintroduce long-dead epidemics if science hadn't meddled?" he said. "How many PhD-carrying experts would be called 'Big Pharma shills' if we'd just sheathed those deadly needles? And more importantly, would the Kardashians even exist?"

The World Health Organisation has now kicked off a program of vaccination cutbacks, aimed at creating a "dumbfuck-free world" by 2020.

"Yes, we'll see a decrease of the world population in a magnitude of billions, as well as millions of small children suffering and dying from long-gone illnesses that our grandparents barely had to deal with, but it's what needs to be done," said President of the WHO, Coral Ashun. "If we want a future free of racist news website comment boards, it's sacrifice that we need to make."

And surprisingly, parents are excited.

"It's what we've wanted all along: an end to these dangerous, awful injections," said internet crawler and mother of two, Erica Danes. "I'm so, so happy: because now I can be sure we're going into a brighter future where my kids won't get autism, even if they live long enough to develop symptoms."

Scientists warn: First-Year spread epidemic looms

Scientists have this morning issued an early warning against the most dreaded of diseases among 18- and 19-year-old university students: First-Year Spread.

Scientists first spotted the early stages of the syndrome on Monday afternoon.

“We’re looking at early data, and the results are nothing short of shocking,” said head scientist of the Institute for the Prevention of First-Year Spread, John McCullen. Pointing to a graph that we were too lazy to scan and copy onto this page, he outlined the growing problem.

“You see, at first everything was fine. The upper torso was in a normal state, and in general the BMI was staying at a constant 21. But suddenly, here,” he said, pointing at a spike that you’ll never see thanks to lazy journalism, “we see an increase in the uptake of free seconds in the dining hall, and a jump in the frequency of Normal Fast, Doritos, alcohol and late-night pies. Coupled with no more sport, and a relaxed, liberal view of baggy clothing, we can see that disaster looms just around the corner.”

According to a 300-page study published by the IPFYS, the trouble reportedly started with a triple-decker meaty surprise at the Rat and Parrot, which was further aggravated by three BP pies, ten beers and a Steri Stumpie. “Really, it was the Steri Stumpie that was the final straw. It might say ‘Low Fat’, but let’s just be serious, okay? It’s a milkshake, people,” said McCullen. 

The syndrome's leading cause: fucking huge, revolting cheeseburgers.

According to the institute’s scientists, the FYS plague might spread as far as the hips, thighs and stomach by early July, with full body meltdown by the end of August unless something is done now.

“It’s crucial that we catch this in the early stages,” he said. “Without definitive action now, all traces of that little bit of hockey and swimming you did in high school will utterly vanish before Tri-Var. By Christmas, your arms will look like the pudding that your mom will inevitably serve.”

Artist's rendition of advanced sufferer of FYS.

McCullen added that even for those exhibiting the early symptoms, such as wearing clothing that’s termed “loose-fit” or “my comfortable top”, and forever threatening to go to the gym, there is still time. “It’s not too late,” he said. “Just eat some goddamn carrots. I mean, you go to Pick n’ Pay and dump chips, wine and bread down your face-hole - would it kill you to get something green that isn’t Crème Soda or Cheese and Onion Lays?”

However, many have refuted the institute’s claims, saying that the report lacks the necessary hard evidence to back up its findings.

“There is no direct evidence linking the consumption of food and concurrent decrease in exercise to the gain of weight and fatty deposits. At best there is only an anecdotal and statistical relationship. Come on, next they’ll tell us that smoking causes cancer,” said CEO of Pick n’ Pay and local pie magnate Jeremy Baker. “This claim is not only absurd and ridiculous, but it also completely ignores the fact that who the hell eats vegetables at 3am?”