“Some Races Better Than Others” – Institute of Race Studies

“We have to face the uncomfortable truth” –Lead Director IIRS

Controversy ruled today, after a panel of scientists and researchers at the International Institute for Race Studies confirmed a very controversial belief: that some races are inherently superior to others.

“For many years, the uncomfortable notion has been hanging around in the air, and we don’t want to stir the pot,” said Lead Researcher for the IIRS, Kay Kakay. “But when you look at the data, certain patterns begin to emerge that confirm this unpopular belief: that some races are just vastly inferior when compared to others. This isn’t just skin-deep any more. It’s fact.”

Kakay said that the decades-old liberal view – that all races were created equal and are equal in society – is just outmoded and wrong. He outlined the damning data that they had uncovered in their fact-finding mission.

“First of all, some races are shorter than others. While this isn’t the deal-breaker, it is certainly something to be cognisant of as we move forward,” he said, pointing at graphs, charts and Latin words that confirmed what he was reading was Pure Science. “Next, if we look into statistical surveys conducted with people in each of these races, they admit to certain character flaws that prop up what some consider a very ‘backward’ belief."

"For example, people in one kind of race often tend to be lazier or not as hard working as the more committed, dedicated and hard-working people in another. And in some races, even the most highly respected members of the community are eventually revealed to be nothing but a bunch of drug-addicted cheats and contemptible liars. It’s disgusting.”

The disconcerting evidence has been widely supported, at least in the South African community.

“Finally!” said a man holding braai tongs. “All this blerrie PC pussy-footing of okes too scared to not skirt around the truth. I’ve always thought some races was just utterly pointless, stupid and a waste of time, and now I know that I’ve always been right. Some races are obviously superior and deserve to be encouraged and supported.”

With all this scientific data, scientists and sociologists now admit that it is “totally permissible and indeed factually correct” to hate certain races, or prefer some races over others.

“Personally, I can’t stand those lazy bastards in the Two Oceans,” said one Johannesburg-based man. “The Comrades Marathon and the Tour de France are simply far, far superior.”

Pic: National Cancer Insititute and wikimedia commons

Ghey boet increasingly unsure what to call his chinas

'Cos bro don' go no mo'

A Johannesburg man has today expressed his growing dismay to local reporters, saying that he just doesn't know anymore what to call the guys he meets in terrible clubs or at the gym and whose names he always immediately forgets.

"I've used every other nickname or clever slang moniker under the sun," he said, wiping his tears away with the corner of the too-small ladies vest he klaps iron in. "Boet, china, bro, bru, bra, brutha, guy, oke, ou, man, dude... I just don't know what to do now... I'm running out of names!"

However, according to recent scientific research (complete with long latin words, graphs and tables that were extra-sciency in their scienciness) done by that guy we met last Friday night at Stacy's thing - J... James? John? I dunno, something with a J. We'll call him J Dawg for now - the problem could be more widespread than it may at first seem.

"Studies show that we are rapidly depleting our reserves of close-bro monikers and nicknames, at a rate that is almost sixteen times higher than pre-Jersey Shore levels," said J Dizzle. "Even the renewable ones, like bro - which has an unrivalled level of derivatives and combination potentials, such as bru, bra, brutha, brudda, broseph, brusollini, brutus, bromingo, and so on - are being pushed to their absolute limits, especially when you consider how many thousands of shit nightclubs, gyms and rugby practices there are every day in South Africa."

According to scientist oke J Man, we now face the real danger of running out of slang nicknames entirely.

By 2018, we might be forced to start using real, proper, christian first names," said J de Lazzlebro. "Can you even imagine that? Instead of saying K-man or M-to-the-T-Dizzle we have to say boring shit like 'Kevin' or 'Matthew'? No: if we want to hand down to our children this time-honoured and much-loved tradition of forgetting a boytjie's name as soon as it's out of his hissing-in-the-gym mouth, something must be done right now!"

However, Name Usage Monitoring Corporations are defiant that there is no crisis.

"There is no crisis, um, bro? wait, no, bru? damnit..." they said. "Anyway, just go about your business and try to ignore these alarmist scientists. Next thing they'll say that we're in danger of running out of fuel, or that global warming is a real thing, lol."

Scientists warn: First-Year spread epidemic looms

Scientists have this morning issued an early warning against the most dreaded of diseases among 18- and 19-year-old university students: First-Year Spread.

Scientists first spotted the early stages of the syndrome on Monday afternoon.

“We’re looking at early data, and the results are nothing short of shocking,” said head scientist of the Institute for the Prevention of First-Year Spread, John McCullen. Pointing to a graph that we were too lazy to scan and copy onto this page, he outlined the growing problem.

“You see, at first everything was fine. The upper torso was in a normal state, and in general the BMI was staying at a constant 21. But suddenly, here,” he said, pointing at a spike that you’ll never see thanks to lazy journalism, “we see an increase in the uptake of free seconds in the dining hall, and a jump in the frequency of Normal Fast, Doritos, alcohol and late-night pies. Coupled with no more sport, and a relaxed, liberal view of baggy clothing, we can see that disaster looms just around the corner.”

According to a 300-page study published by the IPFYS, the trouble reportedly started with a triple-decker meaty surprise at the Rat and Parrot, which was further aggravated by three BP pies, ten beers and a Steri Stumpie. “Really, it was the Steri Stumpie that was the final straw. It might say ‘Low Fat’, but let’s just be serious, okay? It’s a milkshake, people,” said McCullen. 

The syndrome's leading cause: fucking huge, revolting cheeseburgers.

According to the institute’s scientists, the FYS plague might spread as far as the hips, thighs and stomach by early July, with full body meltdown by the end of August unless something is done now.

“It’s crucial that we catch this in the early stages,” he said. “Without definitive action now, all traces of that little bit of hockey and swimming you did in high school will utterly vanish before Tri-Var. By Christmas, your arms will look like the pudding that your mom will inevitably serve.”

Artist's rendition of advanced sufferer of FYS.

McCullen added that even for those exhibiting the early symptoms, such as wearing clothing that’s termed “loose-fit” or “my comfortable top”, and forever threatening to go to the gym, there is still time. “It’s not too late,” he said. “Just eat some goddamn carrots. I mean, you go to Pick n’ Pay and dump chips, wine and bread down your face-hole - would it kill you to get something green that isn’t Crème Soda or Cheese and Onion Lays?”

However, many have refuted the institute’s claims, saying that the report lacks the necessary hard evidence to back up its findings.

“There is no direct evidence linking the consumption of food and concurrent decrease in exercise to the gain of weight and fatty deposits. At best there is only an anecdotal and statistical relationship. Come on, next they’ll tell us that smoking causes cancer,” said CEO of Pick n’ Pay and local pie magnate Jeremy Baker. “This claim is not only absurd and ridiculous, but it also completely ignores the fact that who the hell eats vegetables at 3am?”