Perfect solution to crisis “totally misspelt, irrelevant, stupid” say Grammar Nazis

A well-thought-out and technically viable solution to the issues of socioeconomic inequality, access to education, and world hunger was declared “totally irrelevant and stupid” today, after Grammar Nazis found it lacked the spelling, grammar and punctuation that made it a suggestion they should even read, let alone take seriously.

Citing the potentially world-changing proposal’s several spelling errors and bad grammar, the organisation’s leaders described the online suggestion as “utterly worthy of scorn, contempt and derision.”

“As soon as I saw that his [Micheal Burnell’s] 2400-word, in-depth, well-researched plan to end world hunger and repair the flawed education system hadn’t used the Oxford comma and – worse yet – had spelled it ‘independance’, I just shut my laptop,” said professional commenter and English literature major, Erica Speltjek. “I mean, why would you read anything that contains a spelling error?”

“He talks about restructuring international debt and introducing more punitive regulation for banks, as well as reworking the capitalist system to favour increased spending on education initiatives, health care, and medical research, and then he uses a split infinitive,” explained Speltjek. “He’s obviously an idiot who should be ridiculed and derided with the utmost contempt. Who cares if his plan is feasible, or if English is his second language?”

“And let’s not even talk about his syntax,” she added. “It’s like I’m talking to Yoda.”

However, many international think tanks and policy groups have reacted in an apathetic manner to this reaction, saying that the post's lack of brevity warranted the disdainful turning of a blind eye.

“Too long,” they said in a joint statement this morning, “Did Not Read.”

"Dream of free education finally realised” says protester standing in university ruins

Astounding student victory celebrations light up radioactive crater where university halls and lecture venues once stood

Celebrations are rocking the UCT ruins today, after protesters and students announced the realisation of their dream of free university education for all. According to eyewitnesses on the ground, protesters have been flocking to the desolate lecture buildings and art-stripped residences to celebrate the stunning achievement.

“Finally we will get the education we all fought so hard for,’ said one student speaking from the crumbled smoking ruins of the UCT admin building. “Once upon a time, these halls teemed with students who paid to receive one of the finest educations in the entire continent. Those days are over.”

The student, 19-year-old sociology major Ray Kingball, explained why this single goal was so important.

“Accessible education is something everyone needs,” he explained. “There is nothing we wouldn’t do in our campus protests to realise that dream. Torch busses; demolish the residences; hell, even burn down the library: that’s how serious we are about winning this fight for a quality education for all and a better tomorrow.”

And despite public outcry over their methods, student protest leaders have echoed Kingball’s sentiments.

“Some people say ‘but don't the destruction of valuable resources and infrastructure and the defacement of buildings actively contribute to the already awful education crisis in South Africa’, but they don’t get it,” said student activist and bonfire enthusiast Bernadette Nophies. “Only violence solves these issues – history has shown us that Martin Luther King and Mandela had to destroy everything and enact daily acts of aggression and violence to enact sweeping changes to their country’s oppressive systems.”

“I mean, how could anyone forget the 80s and 90s when all those gay people tore down crosses, burn bibles by the dozen and torched churches so that they could have equal access to marriage?”

“We will not stand this oppressive violent system anymore,” she said, tossing a petrol bomb into the Vice Chancellor’s office. “Violence should be destroyed with extreme prejudice.”

Despite yearly cuts to funding and subsidies, as well as government pressure sto continue yearly growth at 10% per annum, VC’s and university officials are assureing students that the money situation should not even be thought of.

“Yes, everyone’s asking how we’ll ever be able to pay for journal subscriptions, upkeep and maintenance, proposed expansions to meet growing student numbers, wages and salaries for staff and lecturers, and still also give out research grants, bursaries and scholarship opportunities as well as financial assistance, but students shouldn’t worry,” said the new VC in charge, Eric Sanders. “We’ve heaped some fertilizer onto the campus money tree, and the campus money printing press has had its dial turned up to 11, so it should all be good.”

Students have gathered at the Main Admin Block (pictured)
to celebrate their stunning achievement. 

However, students remain opposed to the movement.

“Violence is laaike never the answer, charna,” said TUKS BA Fingerpainting student and rugby spectator Ekvil Moerem, “It doesn’t matter if it’s educations, or paintings, or busts of historically progressive figures – you know, anything what isn’t rugby. What they need to learn is that Nothing will ever be resolved by devolving into violence and destruction.”

And it’s a lesson Moerem believes they will learn.

“Even if we – or the police – need to beat that lesson into them.”

Eskom starts star appreciation week

Stargazers are turning heads skywards this week, after South African national electricity provider Eskom kicked off its new Star Appreciation Week celebrations.

The week, which is aimed at cutting down drastically on light pollution in households across South Africa, will allow residents of South Africa to observe our cosmos unhindered by the pesky lamps, globes, bulbs, heaters and cooking appliances that obscure our view of the heavens.

“We’re so excited,” said head of Eskom Rowling Blakowts. “Now you’ll be able to appreciate the infinite beauty of the stars as they shine down on us without the annoying distractions of cellphone chargers, fridge lights or hot water.”

The move has been met by widespread approval and praise.

“I’m so happy,” said one Jo’burg resident. “Without them [Eskom], you’d never even know these stars were there. For example, did you know that right behind your street lights, if you’re standing on your porch, there is the Magellan nebula? Or that, without the security lights on your garage shining right into your eyes, you could usually see the Goran Cluster?”

“I totally agree,” said another. “Gazing up into the infinite and unknowable expanse of our solar system and the universe beyond, it makes you think of how small and insignificant we really are, and how our troubles, such as days-long power outages or half-month water cuts to our community, are really meaningless in the grand scope of things.”

Since the success of the announcement, Blakowts now says that Eskom has “even bigger, better” plans for similar celebratory weeks.

“When was the last time you bathed in the soft glow of simple candle light? When last did you enjoy the rustic, calming roar of a wood fire, or the peaceful murmur of a paraffin lamp?” he asked. “Well, with our new series of Appreciation Weeks, you’ll be sitting and smiling in nostalgic contentment for months on end.”

The announcements have, however, been met with derision and contempt by Zimbabwean electricity company, ZESA, who said they had been appreciating stars, wood fires and the "deep, inexplicable beauty of utter darkness" long before “it was cool”.

“Typical South Africa, always copying us,” said ZESA superintendent Sir Kitt Braykas. “First the colour of our currency, then our ruinous political agenda and our brutal, gung ho police force, and now this. I guess maybe imitation is the sincerest form of flattery: that we’ve been doing this for so long that we’re the experts. Hell, we’ve even been thinking of making an ‘Electricity Appreciation Ten Seconds’ sometime this year. Maybe after National Police Riot Baton Appreciation Week.”

Readers of Muse and Abuse are recommended to print this and other news articles to appreciate in the romantic low glow of next week.

Pic:ForestWander

Grahamstown enters history books

A first for the record books today, after Makana Municipality's hard work to make Grahamstown the Guinness Books of World Records's First Place on Earth you can Smell From Space were finally recognised by international record-keepers.

"We were immediately stunned," said Major of Grahamstown Bhadi Owda, "and not just by the horrific nasal-cavity-destroying stench emanating from our populace's unwashed, disgusting bodies. It really is a huge deal."

Officials from the world records organisation now say that Makana Municipality's efforts have been breathtaking, and not just because the people there all smell like a four-month-old pustulating rectal ulcer dressed in cabbage-soup-soaked used diapers.

"They were tireless, committed, in their efforts," said Rex Kords from the GBWR. "Most places would get a small percentage of their population involved on a voluntary basis to break a record of some kind, like biggest omelette or something. Not these guys. Not only have they been working tirelessly - sometimes for as much as twelve minutes a week - at creating the perfect conditions to break this record in the surrounding extensions and townships for many years now, but they recently went on a week-long drive to achieve that last necessary bit, cutting water and basic services ad going on strike and not collecting bins. It's been commendable, to say the least."

The five-day drive, which was sponsored by Pick 'n Pay which in totally unrelated news is selling water at about 100% more than the usual price, has reeked, sorry, reaped huge results.

"It's true," said Commander Chris Hadfield of the International Space Station. "You know, you hear a lot of myths about what earth-bound things you can see or whatever from space - like the Great Wall of China - but I can honestly smell them from here. I'd be impressed, even say what a magnificent first it is for the annals of human history and the record books, but jesus, I can't. It just clunks so much."

However, it would seem that not everyone is happy, as recent protest action has demonstrated.

"It's oppressive, I just can't lead a normal life," said one student. "The foetid, rank stench of my malodorous, nasty and festering armpits that wafts in near-physical waves off my body like a tidal wave of rotten air means I can't fist-pump in Friars or down a beer without making everyone around me gag. And the library - not the most pleasant of places, not that I ever go there - geez, let's not even go there."

The Municipality has since stressed its disappointment at such a reaction.

"We do all this work, selfless and tireless slog, and this is the thanks we get?," said Mayor Owda. "Just goes to show how childish these Grahamstonians are. Which would you rather have: basic amenities in the form of a Consititutionally guaranteed Human Right, or a place in the big shiny record book with the cool holographic cover? I think the answer is pretty obvious, am I right?"

President Jacob Zuma has also extended his congratulations to the small town, saying that he's surprised anyone can create anything that stinks more than his leadership skills or general political mandate.

"But please," he said between vomiting spells which will form the final draft of the National Development Plan, "just take a shower. I can smell you even when underwater in my fire pool."

Pic: wikimedia commons

Angie Motshekga – Matric is “not that easy”

The government has struck back at critics of the Education System and the Department of Education this morning, after a statement released by somehow-still-Minister for Basic Education Angie Motshekga and signed by almost 100 Members of Parliament declared that “Matric exams aren’t easy” and that “we’d know, because we tried to do one.”

“Everyone is criticising it, saying it’s simple, it’s too easy, that the standard of education is falling quickly, but it really isn’t,” said Motsekga at a press conference in Johannesburg today.

Many MPs have agreed, having taken the exam themselves.

“The first question was quite challenging, but I eventually figured it out after maybe fifteen minutes of thought,” said Minister of Agriculture Lander Eforme. “But after I wrote down my name in that first blank, I realised that being asked my name isn’t actually a part of the question paper - and then I couldn’t go past the real Question One, which was something about two numbers and a small cross between them. I put my head in my hands and looked around Parliament at everyone else’s anxious, confused faces and thought, ‘Jesus, what are these hieroglyphics? Have we done this in class?’”

Minister Motshekga has slammed criticism of Matric,
saying, "Me, Malema, Zille and Zuma all agree - that's
seventeen people who prove my point."
pic:Flickr, Governmentza

According to Motshekga, 100% of the MPs who sat the exam failed to get over the minimum 33% pass mark, proving that the exam isn’t as easy as many claim.

“These critics, people like Johnathan Jansen, they are wrong about the exams,” she said, “and by wrong I mean more wrong that you’re allowed to be to be deemed eligible to get a Matric.”

Though some of the submitted papers did garner a few correct marks here and there, exam markers have now determined this to be “merely coincidental.”

“If we look at the papers themselves, statistically speaking they could only have gotten a few lucky ticks,” said script marker Nawt San-Krosis, “because the ANC just filled in all the (A) and (C) boxes on the multiple choice grids, with Helen Zille and her cadre of counterrevolutionaries filling in all the (D) and (A) choices. COPE and Agang didn’t provide any of their own problems to the solution, but probably just tried to peek over their neighbours' shoulders to steal some answers and points and pretend it was their original thoughts.”

The full results of the experiment, however, are not known.

“We don’t know what how the EFF did, because firstly there aren’t any (E) or (F) choices on the grid, and secondly because they staged a mass walk-out when the Woodwork Exam Question Papers were handed out. “

Despite all this, Motshekga says that she and other Organs of State were not worried by these Parliamentary failures.

“You don’t need a Matric to run a country,” she said. “Just ask Jacob.”

However, to combat possible issues they have announced new legislation and changes in law and education, such as protecting doctors in medical malpractice suits who only get one or two things wrong.

“If he cuts you open, fixes your liver, and then sews you up nicely, but accidentally leaves a box of needles in you, that’s okay, because that’s more than 33% correct.”

Motshekga and her coworkers are also excited to announce a new series of Matric Examination Papers, such as Put The Coloured Blocks In The Right-Shaped Holes and new multiple choice style papers in fitting with today’s high standard of education.

Countrywide protests prove there is no Education "crisis"

Media experts have officially debunked the existence of a so-called “education crisis” in South Africa, after tens of thousands of learners, parents and teachers took to the streets to demonstrate just how much they actually don’t need teachers or a formal education system.

“Despite all the mythical ‘difficulties’ and ‘obstacles’ before them, like ‘no text books’, ‘overcrowded classes’ and ‘a lack of quality teachers or teacher support by government’, all these hundreds and hundreds of people managed to organise themselves into a decent demonstration complete with handcrafted placards that had not even a single spelling mistake or grammar error in them,” said media analyst Jeremy Maggs. “I think we can all see how everyone is blowing this ‘education scandal’ a little out of proportion,” he said, before adding that realistically someone under the so-called ‘crisis’ would probably spell it “teechaz”, “demokracy” or “edukashin”.

Learners turned out in their hundreds in a
Grahamstown education protest to show
how badly they don't need teachers
pic - Joshua Oates

He went on to suggest that school should in future include more formal on-the-street training in all children’s education programs.

“We really should organise more strikes,” he said. “They bring such a sense of community and togetherness. We need to get these children out of the dangerous and overcrowded, underfunded and dilapidated gang- and disease-infested hellholes that the government forces us to call ‘schools’ and into the relatively cleaner, relatively safer streets.”

He expounded on the fallacies that were immediately apparent once you took an in-depth look at reportage on the ‘schools crisis’.

“Here we have one article,” he said, holding up a copy of The Herald, “that says some students say they have classes crammed with over 100 learners. This is definite proof there is no crisis: these kids can count up to 100 and beyond! I know a guy in the gym who breaks down his exercises into four sets of ten because he can’t go past 30.”

“And here,” he said turning to a similar paragraph of lies in the lie factory propaganda The Mail and Guardian, “it says that teachers forged their qualifications and teaching permits to get their jobs. If anything, that makes them overqualified to work in most branches of government.”

Many signs and placards showed off how extra spending
on government schools and education would be wasteful
pic - Joshua Oates

If anything, he concluded, South Africa is in dire need of less education – a promise that the Department of Education has been working tirelessly for years

“We are doing everything we can to make society a better place by eliminating the scourge of education,” said the Department of Education in a statement. “Our pass rate is 30%, we let you fail two subjects, and we have manadatory Life Orientation classes that are basically all about how sex is dangerous and drugs are bad and how you will die if you even think about them. It is only though open-minded, forward-thinking initiative like these – as well as our fitting placement of Angie Motsheka as Minister of Basic Education – that make us what we are.”

Head of the DoE, Kwala Fikayshun agreed.

pic- Joshua Oates

“Right now, we are in the golden age of South Africa,” he said. “We are a world leader in many things. We have the world’s biggest parliament, the world’s richest rich in comparison to our poorest poor, and in terms of education we are beating Angola and Egypt and Honduras! They have all the advantages in the world to beat us in this specific competition, and yet we still outclass them. If we want this legacy of success to continue in years to come, we need to start now.

Those wishing to contribute to the DoE’s plan should forget how to read. Right now, our reporters are doing their bit by forgetting the correct way to go about spelling, grammar and KaoadjfJKbfk29kdhf.

Muse and Abuse would like to thank Joshua Oates of Rhodes University for his photographs of the education protest in Grahamstown

Ghey boet increasingly unsure what to call his chinas

'Cos bro don' go no mo'

A Johannesburg man has today expressed his growing dismay to local reporters, saying that he just doesn't know anymore what to call the guys he meets in terrible clubs or at the gym and whose names he always immediately forgets.

"I've used every other nickname or clever slang moniker under the sun," he said, wiping his tears away with the corner of the too-small ladies vest he klaps iron in. "Boet, china, bro, bru, bra, brutha, guy, oke, ou, man, dude... I just don't know what to do now... I'm running out of names!"

However, according to recent scientific research (complete with long latin words, graphs and tables that were extra-sciency in their scienciness) done by that guy we met last Friday night at Stacy's thing - J... James? John? I dunno, something with a J. We'll call him J Dawg for now - the problem could be more widespread than it may at first seem.

"Studies show that we are rapidly depleting our reserves of close-bro monikers and nicknames, at a rate that is almost sixteen times higher than pre-Jersey Shore levels," said J Dizzle. "Even the renewable ones, like bro - which has an unrivalled level of derivatives and combination potentials, such as bru, bra, brutha, brudda, broseph, brusollini, brutus, bromingo, and so on - are being pushed to their absolute limits, especially when you consider how many thousands of shit nightclubs, gyms and rugby practices there are every day in South Africa."

According to scientist oke J Man, we now face the real danger of running out of slang nicknames entirely.

By 2018, we might be forced to start using real, proper, christian first names," said J de Lazzlebro. "Can you even imagine that? Instead of saying K-man or M-to-the-T-Dizzle we have to say boring shit like 'Kevin' or 'Matthew'? No: if we want to hand down to our children this time-honoured and much-loved tradition of forgetting a boytjie's name as soon as it's out of his hissing-in-the-gym mouth, something must be done right now!"

However, Name Usage Monitoring Corporations are defiant that there is no crisis.

"There is no crisis, um, bro? wait, no, bru? damnit..." they said. "Anyway, just go about your business and try to ignore these alarmist scientists. Next thing they'll say that we're in danger of running out of fuel, or that global warming is a real thing, lol."