Government begins campaign to improve graffiti

Bad graffiti and the defacement of public property has long been a stain on our society, but finally the Department of Education is striking back. Today, the Minister of Education has announced a much-needed injection of almost 3 billion Rand into South African schools, aimed at improving students’ grammar and punctuation so that, “at the very least, our schools will be vandalised and defaced in an educated and correctly-spelled manner.”

“Have you seen some of our students’ tags and ‘art’?” asked the Minister at a press conference in Pretoria. “I mean, Jake waz heer? Blu Klan Gang 4 lyf? Have we so failed our children that they can’t even deface public property in a respectable, grammatically sound way? They say ‘fuk da police’, but why? We hope that this new boost will enable our children to at least have an empirically-based and nuanced critique of our problematic police force and why, exactly, we should ‘fuk’ them.”

The cash boost follows on the heels of a damning study commissioned by the Institute of Public Art, which recently found that a “made-up but very high” percentage of gang-affiliated graffiti contained innumerable spelling, grammar and punctuation errors.

“While this widespread creativity and love of art is a sign of promise in the next generation,” said the sixty-page report, “their inability to differentiate between ‘to’, ‘too’ and ‘two’, or ‘your’ and ‘you’re’, or even ‘were’, ‘we’re’ and ‘where’, is something that needs to be immediately addressed.”

This isn't the first time South African education has been drastically altered to suit contemporary trends, and despite government officials remaining obstinate that "a Matric isn't easy", teachers have embraced the new introductions.

“The system of basic education is failing many thousands of little obnoxious shits I’m legally obliged to call ‘students’,” said a High School maths teacher in Kwazulu-Natal. “If we don’t do something now, we’ll forever be doomed to see ‘fuck’ spelt without the ‘c’ on our trains, buildings and public spaces.”

The new educational fund is also aimed at improving students’ limited or incorrect knowledge of human anatomy as depicted in erroneous and crude tags.

“Most graffiti pictures of genitalia are not anatomically correct,” said one biology teacher. “For example, most crudely sprayed penises on industrial buildings disregard the usual kinks, bends and demographically relevant size proportions of the average male; the same can be said for roughly painted breasts or hastily tagged vaginas. They are just in no way indicative of real breasts, and don’t convey even half the complexity or sophisticated anatomical structures of the female reproductive organs.”

Government opinion remains divided on the matter, with some claiming that "education is not in a crisis in South Africa" and others admitting that education in South Africa would be "a terrible idea", but at the end of the day, the decision has excited great number of school kids.

“I’ve already been working on a new series of tags,” said a grade-ten learner. “I think it’s gonna blow people away.”

Artists depiction: before education program.

Artist's depiction: after education program.

Pics: Grafitti, Matthew de Klerk. Wall (both edits): Creative Commons.

Angie Motshekga – Matric is “not that easy”

The government has struck back at critics of the Education System and the Department of Education this morning, after a statement released by somehow-still-Minister for Basic Education Angie Motshekga and signed by almost 100 Members of Parliament declared that “Matric exams aren’t easy” and that “we’d know, because we tried to do one.”

“Everyone is criticising it, saying it’s simple, it’s too easy, that the standard of education is falling quickly, but it really isn’t,” said Motsekga at a press conference in Johannesburg today.

Many MPs have agreed, having taken the exam themselves.

“The first question was quite challenging, but I eventually figured it out after maybe fifteen minutes of thought,” said Minister of Agriculture Lander Eforme. “But after I wrote down my name in that first blank, I realised that being asked my name isn’t actually a part of the question paper - and then I couldn’t go past the real Question One, which was something about two numbers and a small cross between them. I put my head in my hands and looked around Parliament at everyone else’s anxious, confused faces and thought, ‘Jesus, what are these hieroglyphics? Have we done this in class?’”

Minister Motshekga has slammed criticism of Matric,
saying, "Me, Malema, Zille and Zuma all agree - that's
seventeen people who prove my point."
pic:Flickr, Governmentza

According to Motshekga, 100% of the MPs who sat the exam failed to get over the minimum 33% pass mark, proving that the exam isn’t as easy as many claim.

“These critics, people like Johnathan Jansen, they are wrong about the exams,” she said, “and by wrong I mean more wrong that you’re allowed to be to be deemed eligible to get a Matric.”

Though some of the submitted papers did garner a few correct marks here and there, exam markers have now determined this to be “merely coincidental.”

“If we look at the papers themselves, statistically speaking they could only have gotten a few lucky ticks,” said script marker Nawt San-Krosis, “because the ANC just filled in all the (A) and (C) boxes on the multiple choice grids, with Helen Zille and her cadre of counterrevolutionaries filling in all the (D) and (A) choices. COPE and Agang didn’t provide any of their own problems to the solution, but probably just tried to peek over their neighbours' shoulders to steal some answers and points and pretend it was their original thoughts.”

The full results of the experiment, however, are not known.

“We don’t know what how the EFF did, because firstly there aren’t any (E) or (F) choices on the grid, and secondly because they staged a mass walk-out when the Woodwork Exam Question Papers were handed out. “

Despite all this, Motshekga says that she and other Organs of State were not worried by these Parliamentary failures.

“You don’t need a Matric to run a country,” she said. “Just ask Jacob.”

However, to combat possible issues they have announced new legislation and changes in law and education, such as protecting doctors in medical malpractice suits who only get one or two things wrong.

“If he cuts you open, fixes your liver, and then sews you up nicely, but accidentally leaves a box of needles in you, that’s okay, because that’s more than 33% correct.”

Motshekga and her coworkers are also excited to announce a new series of Matric Examination Papers, such as Put The Coloured Blocks In The Right-Shaped Holes and new multiple choice style papers in fitting with today’s high standard of education.

Department of Education to give procrastination courses

South African citizens and university students across the country are rejoicing with the news that the Department of Education is working with other major governmental departments to give formal courses in procrastination.

Up until now, the courses have only been open to heads of state and government ministers.

According to head of the project Putin Offwerk, the project opened up to the public after the department saw parallels between key heads of state and students with essays due. 

"We realised that we could use this rough, undeveloped philosophy of 'Due Tomorrow? Do Tomorrow!' to teach our citizens this useful skill. This philosophy is a good start, but right now it isn't even coming near its full potential," said Offwerk.

According to officials in the department, the courses were a natural extension of their existing government policies.

"We see endless empty promises and Constitutional Court-appointed deadlines, yet not even a single iota of political fallout or consequences of any kind. There is no accountability for their lies election promises, and that is what we want our students to share," said Jake Gorens, who asked not to be named but didn't give us enough of a bribe this time. Thanks to him, I'm two grand short of a flatscreen TV."We want every student to be able to handle his or her essay in such a way that they won't ever have to do it, and never have anything bad happen to them."
This basis was confirmed by the lead lecturer of the program Fahk Ahlchildrin. The two-week course, he says, is structured directly around the government's simple approach to education over the last 12 years.

Many government ministers, such as Mkhangeli Matomela, Mahlubandile Qwase and Angi Motshekga, and even presidents (Thabo Mbeki) have flourished under thh course's instruction, says Ahlchildrin. "Many of these students even advanced to their Master's and Doctorate levels of study, surpassing even the course's lecturers," he said.

Government Ministers have shown their mastery of this course over the course of the past 18 years.

"In 2004, then-president Mbeki said: 'By the end of this year, we shall ensure that there is no learner learning under a tree, [or in a] mud school'. In 2006, Matomela, then MEC for education in the Eastern Cape, said: 'I'm ­confident we will eradicate mud schools in the next two financial years'. In 2007, then education minister Naledi Pandor said: 'Fifty percent of the mud schools will be rebuilt between 2007 and 2009'. In 2008, Qwase, then MEC for education in the Eastern Cape, said: 'It is my plan that the eradication of mud schools must be fast-tracked in the 2010/11 financial year'. In 2011, Basic Education Minister  Motshekga said: "By 2014, we will have eradicated all mud schools in the province", and in 2013 she said: "By 2015, in terms of mud schools, we should be done." said Ahlchildrin. "As you can see, this course proves invaluable to anyone wishing to get paid for a job they will never do."

The course includes crucially important sub-courses, such as Endless Promises 101, Passing the Buck 203 and Introduction to Blaming Apartheid 108. "We've found that this last course might as well be dropped entirely," said Ahlchildrin. "Most of our past students had already mastered the basics."

The program is set to stand thousands of South Africans in good stead.

"We realised that the whole of South Africa needs this. If a student doesn't hand in an essay on time, they lose their Duly Performed Certificate and eventually get academically excluded. Normal working people lose their jobs. But our ten-step program will end all that! Not even legal proceedings from Afriforum or the LRC will be able to touch you."

Students from across the country are jumping for joy.

"Now I'll be able to hand this essay in only in early in 2018. Using the logically-centred and complex science that this course has taught me, I know that handing in just a plan of a plan of the plan of my essay will be enough before March 15. I'm like a young Motshekga!" said Rhodes Law student Dooen Itlayta.

The department's procrastination courses will resume next week. Or the week after. Or maybe late August 2083.