Scientists on brink of finding autism vaccine

We are on the edge of a better tomorrow – or so say scientists from the National Centre For Disease Control. Virologist and bacteriologists have released a statement that has stunned the world, saying they are “on the very precipice” of finally finding a vaccine against vaccine-based-autism.

“It’s been a long, difficult road, but we really do think we’re about to crack it,” said Dr Robert Harrolson of the NSCD. “It’s our hope that, one day, our children will be able to get vaccinated without an unnecessary, scientifically unfounded, clinically disproved, medically discredited fear of developing autism.”

Already, clinical trials have shown huge success – in the form of first human test subject Billy Henderson, who, for the entirety of the tests remained “100% free from autism”.

“Despite having received every possible vaccine – against things you really should fear your child getting, like Polio or the Whooping Cough – little Billy didn’t get autism,” explained Dr Harrolson, a hopeful smile on his face. “Yeah, sure, neither did about 99% of the worldwide control group of millions of children who also got vaccine, but we don’t like to make baseless claims that there’s a link between those two separate statistics.”

Dr Harrolson now believes that the vaccine, Salinine (better known by its scientific name Aqueous 1-1 monosodium-monochloride), will be commercially available for parents everywhere.

However, not all parents share his optimism.

“I’d never put that poison in my kids body,” said Crystal therapy practitioner and homeopathic expert Jennifer McCarthy. “After googling ‘bad effects of autism vaccine’ for three hours I found a single paper that says it causes some rare disease that I don’t really understand but sounds really, really terrifying.”

“Besides,” she added, “it’s my right as a parent to decide what life-threatening illness my child contracts in his life – and it’s against my religion. If God wants my child to die of an easily preventable disease, who are we to use so-called ‘scientific advances’ to stop His Divine Will?”

In spite of the stoic resistance to this possible new world-changing development, scientists remain hopeful of that this is merely the first step towards the ultimate vaccine.

"With advances like these becoming evermore prevalent, we're steadily getting closer and closer to the day we produce the greatest vaccine of them all," said Harrolson. "A vaccine against human stupidity."

Student voter torn between best friend, guy with nice poster

Uncertainty reigns today, after a student voter is unsure whether to cast his vote for Student President in favour of his best friend, or the guy with an awesome poster and unlimited printing credit.

According to sources close to the 21-year-old BSC student James Sullivan, the decision is a tough one.

“On the one hand, Brad is my best mate,” said the unnamed insider, “and in such important decisions that effect the entire student body you're kinda obliged to vote for your friends. Hell, voting your best mates into the presidency has been a tradition that stretches back hundreds of years.”

“But on the other hand, the other guy [Presidential Candidate Eric Ramalack] has such an awesome poster. I mean, he’s wearing a suit, he’s looking tough and serious, and it’s covered in words like ‘transformation’, ’accountability’, ‘transparency’ and ‘responsibility’. You take one look at that badboy and it becomes immediately clear how qualified and experienced he is, and how he is the ideal candidate for the job.”

As can clearly be seen, this candidate possesses all the
skills necessary to bring about excellent
student governance.

Sullivan himself has expressed guilt and frustration.

“This is a momentous decision of incredibly huge ramifications that will affect not just me, but the entire student body,” he said. “If I don’t pick Brad, then that means every time he buys me a beer or lends me his psych notes or agrees to sign the attendance register at History and Appreciation of Music, I’ll feel awful.”

“But if I pick Eric, then I won’t be able to have an inside man to organise the artists and bands that I want to see performing at the Great Field Party or [the] Tri-Var[sity Tournament],” he said. “I mean, I’ve never looked into what the SRC do, but that’s obviously the only thing they ever do during the entire year. So yeah.”

However, Student Political analysts say there is still time for an underdog candidate to snatch the presidency away from these favourites.

“We’ve got some really strong candidates for student leadership this year, with all the qualities you’d want in someone in charge of nearly 8000 students,” said Politics editor of campus newspaper Coppie-Paste, Karl Styabalots. “Really, I wouldn’t be surprised if the hot blonde chick in the short black dress takes it, or even the guy in first year who says ‘my comrades’ and ‘chief’ a lot.”

Whatever Sullivan’s decision, one thing is clear.

“I’m definitely not voting for that guy in fourth year who has had two years’ experience in the SRC,” he scoffed. “I mean, all he’s saying is shit like ‘work on realistic goals, like fighting for lower fees and a better DP return rate’; He’s not even campaigning for better res food, vending machines on campus, or even a shuttle service up the hill. Why anyone would ever want that guy in charge just defies logic.”

Why Charles Darwin is Satan (not just a theory!)

A guest post by Cardinal Johan Eksteen

My dear Brothers and Sisters in Our Lord Jesus Christ, I think it’s about time we had a serious talk. Recently, it has come to my attention that a dangerous book is circulating our society. A book filled with lies and drivel. A book that has brainless monkeys on a slow journey to become fully intelligent beings in it. Yes, I think we all know what book we’re talking about.

No, not the 2014 Guide to Ministerial Cabinet Members in South Africa.

I’m talking about Charles “The Insane Doctor” Darwin’s On the Origin of the Species.

The scientific community wants you to believe this piece of Satan’s handiwork. Schools want to teach it to our innocent children. God-hating atheists want you to think it’s holy writ. But I’ve read it. And I think it’s time we debunked this heap of putrid half-truths for what it is.

• It’s just a theory

  First of all, it’s just a theory. That’s why it’s called the “Theory” of evolution. Words don’t lie. A theory is a theory, no matter how you or a generation of white-coated buffoons want to define it. And while most scientists - apparently 97% of them – believe that it is an irrefutable account for the man’s roots and history, remember that we’re talking about a community in which that same 97% of followers believe in so-called “climate change”. And this last fact brings us neatly to our next damning point.

• The community is a bunch of godless fibbers

  All science is a is a school of thought. It’s a collection of beliefs about what the world is. That’s all. So when you choose to blindly follow science, you’re choosing to simply follow an age-old system of ultra-strict rules and doctrines. Worse yet, they don’t even have faith. How can you have faith that what you believe is the Truth? Because of test tubes and experiments?

  To this, I ask: “which is more stunning proof: a series of methodical and repeatable observations by fallible men (thankfully, not many woman are leaders in the community; that much we have in common at least), or the awe-inspiring, breath-taking miracles of God? The titration of two substances X and Y to give precipitate Z, or the Ten Deadly Plagues that Our Merciful and Heavenly Father visited on the Egyptians, as factually documented in all historical accounts since the Roman era? The choice is obvious.

• It’s just an old book

  The book they all read and believe is old. How old? Who knows. Maybe even as much as a hundred years old. Maybe even older. Things were different back then. But times have changed. Are you going to believe an outmoded, obsolete book, or the holy, timeless decree of God Our Saviour as written , translated, retranslated, adapted, revised, and reviewed by a series of unknown authors?

• Just look at Charles Darwin. Look at him.
  
  
  

  He’s an old, white bearded guy, delivering his rules and laws from some faraway land – rules which were first fomented many hundreds of years ago. Are you going to believe a bunch of commands and ‘facts’ just because a benevolent Grandfather figure handed them down over generations to us?

• It’s homophobic

  Evolution, as it currently stands, hates the gay community. If two gay men want to pass both of their genetic material onto a child, bigoted science tells them it’s impossible because of ‘primary sexual characteristics’ and ‘the intricacies of sexual reproduction’ and ‘same-sex human sexual reproductive incompatibility in evolutionary theory’. We don’t do that. Well, not any more. Gays wanna hook up? Fine by us. Gays want to have children? Go ahead! In our loving, accepting community – especially now that we’ve apologised for at least some of our heinous so-called ‘crimes’ that we committed centuries ago – gays can do what they want. Except, you know, get married.

• You can’t even see evolution!

  If evolution really exists – if its timeless and eons-long process is really there, guiding Mankind and all other species down its course – why can’t we see it? Why isn’t it active today, performing wondrous acts of Evolution on a daily basis? Why hasn’t evolution of anything been visible since the book was written? It’s damning evidence – almost as damning as the question “why are there still monkeys around today if we’re all supposed to evolve?”

• It’s repressive

  What is Evolution, after you strip away all the colourful promises and flattering pretences? I’ll tell you: it’s just a bunch of laws and texts that tell us what to think and what to feel and what to believe. If you don’t believe them and their ‘ineffable scientific method’, they shun you, belittle your beliefs, and oversimplify the basic tenets of you arguments to make you look like a moron or someone who simply can’t understand the simplest facts about the world. Would the church ever do such a thing?

• As an Origin story, it’s total nonsense

  Have you read this garbage? “We come from monkeys?” “Over millions of years we slowly became modern humans?” Who would believe such fruit-of-the-tree-of-knowledge-less, talking-snake-less drivel? Who could even hold for just a moment the preposterous idea that the world is older than 6000 years? Who could ever doubt for even a second that everything – from ferns and grapes to whales, modern man and the mighty rhinoceros – was made in just seven days? Hell-bound tricksters and rascals, that’s who.

Well, folks, I hope you can now see why this baseless book of buffoonery is something we should all be wary of. Join me next week, when I disprove The Big Bang Theory and the entirely of Quantum Physics (quarks and gluons! What absolute rot!)

Until then, remember to eat the symbolic flesh of a long-dead human man who killed himself to make himself forgive all sins past, present and future that came about because two people he made (one from the rib of the other, or not, depending on which part of the Bible you read) in a debatable order of species creation ate an apple that gave them the knowledge of understanding why eating the apple was such a big No-No in the first place.

Pics: Public Domain.

Bunch of guys protest misandry, "Feminazi agenda"

Today was a marvellous day for anti-feminazi, anti-misandry victims of the endless campaign of hate and intolerance of men perpetrated by women in an oppressive societal matriarchy, said Men’s Rights Activism Group Bros Against Hoes (BAH), after a bunch of guys launched a series of debates discussing their marginalisation in the workplace, rugby field and in society in general.

The debate was launched to counter the “sick lies of the growing liberal Feminazi agenda”, which seeks to destabilise societal harmony and parity by introducing backward and retrogressive legislation ensuring aberrations like “equal pay” and “the right to choose”. According to BAH, this oppressive influence on global media has too long held the reins of the gender debate.

“Just last week they had a massive march and discussion session, with several of their most highly ranking chicks (maybe like a seven out of ten, maybe a high six at least) coming out of the kitchen long enough to jabber on about ‘women are mistreated this’ and ‘women are underpaid that’. What about men, huh?” said BAH head of operations Andrew Genous. “What about our daily suffering?”

According to Genous, no sandwiches were made at the march or discussion seminars.

“We believe that our own debate series has come to the fore just in time,” he said. “Men across the world suffer brutal oppression, and it’s about time we let the limelight expose the true difficulties of being born with a Y chromosome.”

The marches and debate series are poised at a crucial moment in our history, after reports that singer and producer J-Z was allegedly beaten by Solange Knowles (think Beyonce but not famous). "We need to act now," he said. "Every year dozens of men are beaten by their wives, and yet the world and its harps on about the meagre few women who are assaulted by their husbands and boyfriends."

Genous says that the research into the plight of modern men is damning.

“On average, men are forced to earn 17% more than women, even if they don’t want to, and they are subjected to obligatory easy upward mobility in the workplace, being thrust into positions that they might not necessarily want just because of their gender,” he said. “This snatches men away from their beloved smaller jobs and forces them into so-called ‘prestigious’ corporate positions, often with requisite ‘benefits’ like ‘free dental’ and ‘a company car’. These are just sick euphemisms employed by an uncaring, men-hating corporate world trying to hide their gross injustices. Also, no matter what they wear, men very rarely if ever solicit unwanted sexual advances, and if we do choose to have multiple sexual partners, we are branded with demeaning and insulting labels like ‘stud’ and ‘the man.’ It’s disgusting.”

Genous also added that often the discrimination costs men their jobs and livelihoods.

“Every year, dozens of men are discriminated against unfairly in the workplace – men whose only crime is being able to tell really funny jokes or acting slightly overzealous in their appreciation of the women’s junk. In addition to this, if woman goes into a public place such as a school wearing high-heels, make-up and a tight fitting red dress it’s okay, but if a man does it its ‘perverse’ and ‘a sexual offence’.”

Pro-feminist activists have yet to respond to the allegations, merely stating, “Seriously? I mean, seriously?”

Department of Education to give procrastination courses

South African citizens and university students across the country are rejoicing with the news that the Department of Education is working with other major governmental departments to give formal courses in procrastination.

Up until now, the courses have only been open to heads of state and government ministers.

According to head of the project Putin Offwerk, the project opened up to the public after the department saw parallels between key heads of state and students with essays due. 

"We realised that we could use this rough, undeveloped philosophy of 'Due Tomorrow? Do Tomorrow!' to teach our citizens this useful skill. This philosophy is a good start, but right now it isn't even coming near its full potential," said Offwerk.

According to officials in the department, the courses were a natural extension of their existing government policies.

"We see endless empty promises and Constitutional Court-appointed deadlines, yet not even a single iota of political fallout or consequences of any kind. There is no accountability for their lies election promises, and that is what we want our students to share," said Jake Gorens, who asked not to be named but didn't give us enough of a bribe this time. Thanks to him, I'm two grand short of a flatscreen TV."We want every student to be able to handle his or her essay in such a way that they won't ever have to do it, and never have anything bad happen to them."
This basis was confirmed by the lead lecturer of the program Fahk Ahlchildrin. The two-week course, he says, is structured directly around the government's simple approach to education over the last 12 years.

Many government ministers, such as Mkhangeli Matomela, Mahlubandile Qwase and Angi Motshekga, and even presidents (Thabo Mbeki) have flourished under thh course's instruction, says Ahlchildrin. "Many of these students even advanced to their Master's and Doctorate levels of study, surpassing even the course's lecturers," he said.

Government Ministers have shown their mastery of this course over the course of the past 18 years.

"In 2004, then-president Mbeki said: 'By the end of this year, we shall ensure that there is no learner learning under a tree, [or in a] mud school'. In 2006, Matomela, then MEC for education in the Eastern Cape, said: 'I'm ­confident we will eradicate mud schools in the next two financial years'. In 2007, then education minister Naledi Pandor said: 'Fifty percent of the mud schools will be rebuilt between 2007 and 2009'. In 2008, Qwase, then MEC for education in the Eastern Cape, said: 'It is my plan that the eradication of mud schools must be fast-tracked in the 2010/11 financial year'. In 2011, Basic Education Minister  Motshekga said: "By 2014, we will have eradicated all mud schools in the province", and in 2013 she said: "By 2015, in terms of mud schools, we should be done." said Ahlchildrin. "As you can see, this course proves invaluable to anyone wishing to get paid for a job they will never do."

The course includes crucially important sub-courses, such as Endless Promises 101, Passing the Buck 203 and Introduction to Blaming Apartheid 108. "We've found that this last course might as well be dropped entirely," said Ahlchildrin. "Most of our past students had already mastered the basics."

The program is set to stand thousands of South Africans in good stead.

"We realised that the whole of South Africa needs this. If a student doesn't hand in an essay on time, they lose their Duly Performed Certificate and eventually get academically excluded. Normal working people lose their jobs. But our ten-step program will end all that! Not even legal proceedings from Afriforum or the LRC will be able to touch you."

Students from across the country are jumping for joy.

"Now I'll be able to hand this essay in only in early in 2018. Using the logically-centred and complex science that this course has taught me, I know that handing in just a plan of a plan of the plan of my essay will be enough before March 15. I'm like a young Motshekga!" said Rhodes Law student Dooen Itlayta.

The department's procrastination courses will resume next week. Or the week after. Or maybe late August 2083.