Science and evolution: God’s hidden punishment

Enough time has passed for the death threats to be considered “low risk”, and so Guest Writer Johan Van Eksteen is back. This time on his blisteringly hot skillet of truth: the rancid lie-meat of science and evolution.

People always ask me, “Johan, you’re really smart and good-looking, and incredibly charismatic and well-read, not to mention just generally the nicest guy around, but how do you balance seeming opposing views of science (and its central tenets of evolution, phyletic gradualism and the development and origins of life) against close-held and personally cherished ideas of God, religion, and a Biblical and true creation story?”

And for most people who read the Bible, the answer seems easy: that science is a lie, a gargantuan, Brobdinagian confabulation designed to keep us from trusting in God and his unconditional love that requires only that we obey his every word and command.

But really, my friends, the answer is much more simple and cunning: science and evolution are real. But God created them to punish us feeble nonbelievers and doubters.

Actual photo of Charles Darwin.

Now of course, evolution is just a theory. It’s not even based on facts; this is true of all science theories. Even scientists know this: that’s why they’re called “the theory” and not “the fact of evolution” or “the fact of gravity”.

But in this world of tens of thousands of gods appearing in a plethora of cultures across geological ages in all corners of the globe, and the overwhelming, constant lies of science, you need to think critically and carefully, take all the data into mind - and then use it to reject the sceptical, aloof mindset that always seems to think you need proof to think something is true.

“It’s impossible” I hear you scoff smugly like the heartless atheists you are. “The two are contradictory and mutually exclusive, and indeed the facts of one are diametrically opposed to the core beliefs of the other!”

But that’s where you’re wrong.

They aren’t mutually exclusive phenomena, but instead happen alongside one another – and not in the way you’ve heard: where we decided God invented evolution after only 200 years of denying its existence. You see, science didn’t “kill god” as some say – science was invented by God to mislead and punish the wicked.

Only God – a truly benevolent being of infinite power, wisdom and love – can create sunsets, ice-cream and medicine. He created Eden. He creates beauty, magic, awe, wonder. He created you and me. He created Supersport and casual racism.

Scientists: truly evil. Photographs don't lie. 

However, he knew, in his might and wisdom, that people would doubt the Bible; that people would say “Leviticus this” and “radiometric dating that” and “lack of empirical evidence that can be used to qualify and validate a given hypothesis” yada yada yada. So he created Evolution to punish them.

Only something as evil as evolution and Darwinism could take a harmless, joyful God-handcrafted little fruitfly and force it to change, slowly, over hundreds of years, in minor incremental steps to develop a stinger that would allow it to suck the blood of innocent babies, and inject symbiotic deadly parasites in their tiny veins, infecting and killing them slowly. Only evolution – a vile and twisted concept, I’m sure you’ll agree – would take the billions of illness- and pestilence-free viruses and bacteria and slowly but surely make them build up minor changes to their DNA structure that would let them ravage the human body and kills millions of people.

God knew science and scientists would one day mislead people. So created science – things like evolution, not to mention astrophysics, geology and chemistry – to mislead the scientists.

God created what is good; science turns it into evil.

It’s just another one of God’s ways of testing your faith, like purposefully putting dinosaur bones on the Earth or making a seemingly true set of physical and astronomical phenomena that go against the truths of Heliocentrism. Evolution is nothing better than the hundreds of thousands of other heathen clay idols – like Allah, quantum physics and the idea that the All Blacks are a better rugby team – put on Earth to misguide you.

My friends, you need to educate yourself to avoid eternal damnation. The next time you hear a scientist say something like “oh, We don't actually come from monkeys; rather, we and the apes share a common prehistoric ancestor that underwent thousands of minor changes over thousands of years to give two very different but related organisms”, just use some very simple arguments to checkmate them.

Arguments like, “Then why are there still monkeys around?”

Arguments like, “So you’re saying we should fuck monkeys, you sick bastard?”

God made man and woman. Just remember also that he made monkeys too, and that those monkeys evolved to become scientists. And why in the world would anyone trust a monkey?

Johan is a guest columnist at Muse and Abuse. Widely renowned for his non-nonsense approach to controversial topics, Johan shines a blinding light of truth on subjects like the hideous scourge of immigration, why white people should vote ANC, why Blackface isn't the real racist problem in SA, and how Black Privilege is an ugly truth that no one wants to admit. He also thinks gay marriage should have been outlawed years ago.

Man in solidarity with French victims apologises for "selfish tweets, statuses"

Citing criticisms that he “doesn’t give a crap about anyone outside of Paris” following his obligatory “#PrayForParis” tweet and Facebook status yesterday, an area man has deeply apologised for his inconsiderate, selfish words of support and solidarity.

The man, 27-year-old accountant Jake Hendersen, approached the media this morning to confirm that he has since started a campaign to be more “equitable and considerate with his supportive tweets”.

“I’ve been reading some of the comments and criticisms of my messages on Facebook and twitter yesterday, and people are right,” he said. “And I’m not just talking about ‘being an ignorant fuck who conveniently doesn’t care about the senseless deaths of people until it’s white people dying’ or my being a ‘completely retarded insensitive Eurocentric moron’ – Obviously, I can’t care about senseless tragedies without displaying equal outrage for all death and tragedy everywhere else.”

"Without hundreds of clarifying tweets, my messages of solidarity and love are totally meaningless and myopic.”

The initial message, which read simply “my heart is with all of France #PrayForFrance”, attracted the ire of thousands of online commenters.

“Jake is an idiot,” said one person who appeared able to communicate only in all-caps. “My hashtag is #FuckFrance because of its heritage of evil and colonialism. Obviously the deaths of innocent people – people who could have been my sister or brother or mother or girlfriend – mean total jack shit to me. Why should I care about them or their grieving families when their government is so evil and twisted, even if those who died might not have voted for the majority political party, or even if they were, say, absolutely opposed to France’s involvement in international warfare or were outspokenly critical of their governments’ hurtful diplomacy with certain nations? Nah, fuck ‘em.”

In light of the controversy, Hendersen has promised to post an exhaustive and comprehensive collection of messages of support and solidarity with every country, city and nation in the world.

“It’ll take a bit of time to Photoshop my Facebook profile photo to have all the flags of the world, and to compose and post the hundreds of thousands of tweets and facebook statuses, but I think it’s totally necessary,” he said. “After all, how can anyone know that awful tragedies like these sadden me and that I care about the lives of those affected by terrorism, murder and war without having the relevant social media posts to prove it?”

It’s an issue not without difficulty.

“Oh, I’ve had some troubles,” he explained. “For example how can I rank all these atrocities and a bombings and killings? Should I listen to my detractors, and consider them all equally bad, even if this opens me up to attacks from the anti-#AllLivesMatter crowd?”

“And if all lives matter and I should care about all deaths equally, then must I make an ISIS flag Facebook profile picture mourning their deaths at the hands of a brutal, war-hungry coalition of Western nations? I’m still mulling these little quandaries over.”

Sources close to Hendersen now say that he is well on the way to proving to his some-600 Facebook friends and thousands of strangers on Twitter that he is against all tragedy.

“Given the sheer number cities, villages, hamlets and small townships in the world, he’ll probably have to post another 250 000 or more tweets to properly show he's in solidarity with all people who are suffering any kind of tragedy or horror,” said an unnamed friend. “But at least he’s halfway through posting the 196 individual transparent-flag-Facebook-profile pictures that show he cares about their struggles, so it’s a great start.”

Just some of the 196 transparent-flag-Profile-pics
that prove Jake really does care about people
dying in other countries.

And with the controversy boiling over, online commenters say it may be time for another support movement to start.

“Jake is being attacked, just as hundreds of #PrayForParis supporters are,” said one commenter. “We need to stand with these people in their time of need – which is why I propose we all Tweet messages of solidarity to those standing in solidarity with the French. #PrayForPeopleWhoPrayForParis.”

Want to know more about this developing story? Well, just log onto Facebook.com and see literally any of your friends’ goddamn statuses and comments.

Why Charles Darwin is Satan (not just a theory!)

A guest post by Cardinal Johan Eksteen

My dear Brothers and Sisters in Our Lord Jesus Christ, I think it’s about time we had a serious talk. Recently, it has come to my attention that a dangerous book is circulating our society. A book filled with lies and drivel. A book that has brainless monkeys on a slow journey to become fully intelligent beings in it. Yes, I think we all know what book we’re talking about.

No, not the 2014 Guide to Ministerial Cabinet Members in South Africa.

I’m talking about Charles “The Insane Doctor” Darwin’s On the Origin of the Species.

The scientific community wants you to believe this piece of Satan’s handiwork. Schools want to teach it to our innocent children. God-hating atheists want you to think it’s holy writ. But I’ve read it. And I think it’s time we debunked this heap of putrid half-truths for what it is.

• It’s just a theory

  First of all, it’s just a theory. That’s why it’s called the “Theory” of evolution. Words don’t lie. A theory is a theory, no matter how you or a generation of white-coated buffoons want to define it. And while most scientists - apparently 97% of them – believe that it is an irrefutable account for the man’s roots and history, remember that we’re talking about a community in which that same 97% of followers believe in so-called “climate change”. And this last fact brings us neatly to our next damning point.

• The community is a bunch of godless fibbers

  All science is a is a school of thought. It’s a collection of beliefs about what the world is. That’s all. So when you choose to blindly follow science, you’re choosing to simply follow an age-old system of ultra-strict rules and doctrines. Worse yet, they don’t even have faith. How can you have faith that what you believe is the Truth? Because of test tubes and experiments?

  To this, I ask: “which is more stunning proof: a series of methodical and repeatable observations by fallible men (thankfully, not many woman are leaders in the community; that much we have in common at least), or the awe-inspiring, breath-taking miracles of God? The titration of two substances X and Y to give precipitate Z, or the Ten Deadly Plagues that Our Merciful and Heavenly Father visited on the Egyptians, as factually documented in all historical accounts since the Roman era? The choice is obvious.

• It’s just an old book

  The book they all read and believe is old. How old? Who knows. Maybe even as much as a hundred years old. Maybe even older. Things were different back then. But times have changed. Are you going to believe an outmoded, obsolete book, or the holy, timeless decree of God Our Saviour as written , translated, retranslated, adapted, revised, and reviewed by a series of unknown authors?

• Just look at Charles Darwin. Look at him.
  
  
  

  He’s an old, white bearded guy, delivering his rules and laws from some faraway land – rules which were first fomented many hundreds of years ago. Are you going to believe a bunch of commands and ‘facts’ just because a benevolent Grandfather figure handed them down over generations to us?

• It’s homophobic

  Evolution, as it currently stands, hates the gay community. If two gay men want to pass both of their genetic material onto a child, bigoted science tells them it’s impossible because of ‘primary sexual characteristics’ and ‘the intricacies of sexual reproduction’ and ‘same-sex human sexual reproductive incompatibility in evolutionary theory’. We don’t do that. Well, not any more. Gays wanna hook up? Fine by us. Gays want to have children? Go ahead! In our loving, accepting community – especially now that we’ve apologised for at least some of our heinous so-called ‘crimes’ that we committed centuries ago – gays can do what they want. Except, you know, get married.

• You can’t even see evolution!

  If evolution really exists – if its timeless and eons-long process is really there, guiding Mankind and all other species down its course – why can’t we see it? Why isn’t it active today, performing wondrous acts of Evolution on a daily basis? Why hasn’t evolution of anything been visible since the book was written? It’s damning evidence – almost as damning as the question “why are there still monkeys around today if we’re all supposed to evolve?”

• It’s repressive

  What is Evolution, after you strip away all the colourful promises and flattering pretences? I’ll tell you: it’s just a bunch of laws and texts that tell us what to think and what to feel and what to believe. If you don’t believe them and their ‘ineffable scientific method’, they shun you, belittle your beliefs, and oversimplify the basic tenets of you arguments to make you look like a moron or someone who simply can’t understand the simplest facts about the world. Would the church ever do such a thing?

• As an Origin story, it’s total nonsense

  Have you read this garbage? “We come from monkeys?” “Over millions of years we slowly became modern humans?” Who would believe such fruit-of-the-tree-of-knowledge-less, talking-snake-less drivel? Who could even hold for just a moment the preposterous idea that the world is older than 6000 years? Who could ever doubt for even a second that everything – from ferns and grapes to whales, modern man and the mighty rhinoceros – was made in just seven days? Hell-bound tricksters and rascals, that’s who.

Well, folks, I hope you can now see why this baseless book of buffoonery is something we should all be wary of. Join me next week, when I disprove The Big Bang Theory and the entirely of Quantum Physics (quarks and gluons! What absolute rot!)

Until then, remember to eat the symbolic flesh of a long-dead human man who killed himself to make himself forgive all sins past, present and future that came about because two people he made (one from the rib of the other, or not, depending on which part of the Bible you read) in a debatable order of species creation ate an apple that gave them the knowledge of understanding why eating the apple was such a big No-No in the first place.

Pics: Public Domain.

"It was my pleasure" - God to exam candidates

Following the end of another period of university exams and yet another conferral of bachelor's degrees to students, God, our Almighty and Heavenly Father, the Creator and Saviour, took time out of his busy schedule today to receive thanks and praise for letting so many students pass their exams and finally obtain their university qualifications.

"I'm glad they all remembered to thank me. You know, there are many naysayers who doubt me, who say that I never answer prayers and that I leave the world in a ceaseless cycle of misery and suffering while turning naught but a blind eye to the unending horror many hundreds face on a daily basis," said the 6000-year old Best-selling author in a press conference held in front of a burning bush earlier today, "but I think that all these Facebook statuses are proof enough that I'm here and that I do actually do stuff to help when it matters most. I really help out with the more important things in life."

Experts and university professors have since come forward to confirm the Divine Father's majesty and exam-beating power.

"As we all know, the makeup of a University course and the fact that it's broken down into three or four years to spread out the central concepts of the various fields of expertise into a structured and thematic development of knowledge was specifically crafted to be unbeatable without divine intervention," said the Vice Chancellor of the University of Cape Town, Prax Marice. "Even our exams are physically impossible to pass. The questions are literally unanswerable, and even if they were, we employ teams of blind monkeys (which we didn't evolve from) to scribble on the answer sheets and make them illegible and unmarkable."

That so many students passed, say professors and course coordinators, is testament to the unknowable and incomparable magnitude of the Holy Trinity's awesome potency.

"I spend hours a week preparing lectures filled with lies and red herrings that are aimed at misleading our students," said Journalism and Media Studies lecturer Cato Stropteros. "Then, to make matters worse, I routinely set tests, quizzes, essays and semesterly evaluations to ensure that each term's horrendous disfigurement of the truth is being fully absorbed. On top of this, each semester has an extensive collection of hundred-page-long Manifestos filled with falsehoods and slander that are branded ‘required reading’. I don't know how God undoes all my hours of hard work, but it gets me every year."

He added that many students had received God's blessings despite having spent hours in the Temple of Lies, known by many Satanists as "The 24-hour Section" or "The Library".

"Some students passed even though they spent sometimes whole nights in these Bible-denying hate-houses," said Stropteros. "Hell, half of them even preferred a diet of caffeine and energy drinks over holy water, wafers and unleaven bread. It just shows you the extent of God's generosity."

And despite mounting criticism that God had done nothing to prevent war and death in Syria, Ebola, or the abhorrent and not-yet-fully-declassified report into the State-sanctioned human rights violations and atrocious allegations of torture and murder by the CIA, and that even Satanists, atheists, Muslims, and Jews had also passed their exams, many have remained thankful, with Universities across the world introducing sweeping changes to their fundamental structure.

"Clearly, the entire concept of a University is utterly pointless and meaningless, so we're just going to change the university year to be just a two-week period of exams," said Marice. "This way, no one will have to sacrifice thousands of rands and hundreds of hours all in the name of becoming unemployed and overqualified."

At the time of going to press, a thousand other deities had not responded to requests for commentary, leading us to assume that they obviously don't exist.

Pic: wikimedia commons, public domain.

Mass media Christmas comes early

The global mass media are singing in jubilation today, after a religiously and racially motivated suicide bombing carried out by two interracial handicapped Ebola-infected pregnant lesbians killed 253 people in a mall during a hurricane last weekend.

Current death estimates now include at least 182 white people, three famous premiere league footballers, eighteen children with adorable family photos and one middling pop star.

“This really is the story of a lifetime,” said Chief News Editor for SkyNews Miss Leigh Dzew. “Just look at it: it ticks all the boxes – sex, death, religion, race, football, pop culture and the weather? I mean, we would have been just happy with such a death toll of white faces – especially when they’re children – but we also get dealt a hand that includes themes of gun control, terrorism, sex and football stars AND celebrities? It’s almost too good to be true!”

“The space for news coverage here is infinite, endless,” said the CEO of SkyNews while trying to hide an enormous money-erection. “We can have on-air debates between violently disagreeing sides. We can open up comments sections. We can cover minute details of each of the victims’ lives. We can go on a no-holds-barred in-depth expose of the killers’ histories, childhoods, favourite brand of breakfast cereal, everything. This is billions of pageviews. It’s innumerable online comments, reaction blogs and reader flamewars. It’s thousands of hours of television. God, just think how much advertising revenue that is!”

Many editors have welcomed the news with huge smiles, saying what it a relief has been – particularly in light of the news dry season they’ve been suffering.

“We’ve had a bit of a tough time these past few weeks,” said editor of the Sunday Times, Tabby Loids. “Sure, we’ve had Boko Haram, Ebola, shooting sprees and Russian missile strikes to keep us busy cranking the arm of our fear machine, but what with Mandela’s death naught but a distant memory and Oscar’s trial now having a reached a premature end, we’ve been grasping at straws. I mean, we have been coping – you know, derailing focus from massive scientific achievements and simultaneously throwing a smoke bomb over the real, invisible issues of an entire scientific industry by having pages-long coverage of an ugly shirt – but it’s been hard.”

Many other news editors agree.

“This is more than we could have dreamed of,” said another. “I mean, I was crossing my fingers for a school bus full of children to be kidnapped or their school shot up by a psychopathic madman, or maybe for a corrupt oil company to cause a massive spill that utterly devastates hundreds of miles of pristine coast line and drives an entire species of marine birdlife into extinction, but this… we’d never thought it would come like this. This is Christmas, Easter, Hanukkah, Eid, Thanksgiving, Martin Luther King Day and all of our birthdays wrapped in one beautiful, rare package.”

Editors’ only fears, they now say, is that they have too much on their plate.

“We are an industry of capable of creating a planetwide system of unnecessary panic and baseless fear around a disease 99.999% of all humans will never get (we do this every few years, even though you’re more likely to die choking on this blogsite),” said Loids. “So how are we supposed to deal with such extensive and rich subject matter?”

News analysts now say that this coming coverage could potentially cause mass riots, copycat attacks and global hysteria by perhaps as early as next Friday – a prospect that has editors on the edge of their seats.

“We have to be very careful with this story,” said Lee. “One word out of place, one misplaced fact, one incorrect quotation… and we could miss out on what may be the news event we’ve all been waiting for.”

Pic: Public Domain, from US National Archives (524396 NARA National Archives and Records Administration)

God personally awards ManU with win over Arsenal

Thousands of Manchester United fans took to the streets in celebration last weekend, after God took time out of his busy schedule of ignoring starvation, racial discrimination, poverty and war to give the Red Devils a clean 4 - 0 win against rivals Arsenal.

According to the best-selling author and divine creator, he was ignoring a three-year-old paraplegic and blind wheelchair-bound boy's cry for help when he decided to get involved in the hotly-contested and "far more important" 90 minute period of a bunch of millionaires kicking a plastic sphere of air around a patch of grass.

"St Peter and Jesus and I were kicking it in my pearly crib, when J-C said that Christianity has been getting a really bad rap these days. We spoke about how best to make an impact, you know, really reconnect with our fanbase. We could have solved hunger or saved a dying baby or something, but no one posts about that shit on Facebook and Twitter every day. It's just not popular," said the divine being of unknowable age.

Then Jesus remembered how football was, like, everywhere: in slow motion replays, dedicated sports channels and packed bars.

"It's basically its own religion," said Our Lord and Saviour. "It quickly became apparent that we could look really good by doing something that takes really no effort at all. I mean, I once fed thousands of people with just a few fish and a loaf of bread. I think I can put a plastic ball into a net. Come on."

The Almighty and Heavenly Father's religion, Christianity, is now the second-most popular in England (home of Premier League Football), with almost 23 followers.

The miraculous four last-minute goals mark one of the Holy Father's most widely praised miracles in almost 2000 years. Religious and political analysts have since been debating the divine appearance in great depth.

Other critics have, however, defended the Holy Father's decision, saying that it was a fresh new take on world problems.

"We see pictures of starving children with distended bellies and sawn-off or blown-off limbs everyday," said media analyst Mizrep Risent. "It's just getting stale. So when we saw pictures in the paper of a young boy in a football stadium with that wonderful smile on his face, shining tears of joy streaking his face after his Football team had scored a point, I immediately felt the old heart strings tug. It's a bold new take on an age-old problem."

However, some have critisised the miracle, saying that the match had been looking pretty much dead even up until the intervention.

"In terms of miraculousness, it was about a 4 out of 10," said Cardinal Archie Bishup, "and so it falls somewhere between a plague of frogs and a turning water to wine. Man-U has had a great season, and so some say that they didn't really need the extra help. Hell, they're already ahead on the log. It would have been impressive if it had been 4 - 0 to Everton."

Arsenal fans and players alike have since expressed their displeasure at God's action, saying that they, too, prayed for victory. Notable examples include ex-defender and current multimillionaire Hover Payd."I would like to blame God for the loss," he said. "Without, him, we might have actually won. Thanks a lot. Now all I have is my incredible pile of money to wallow inconsolably in for the rest of the day. You know how many strippers and cocaine i'm going to have to go through to recover from this?"

God, however, personally defended his actions, saying that there was a "special place reserved in hell" for those "festering rectal sores" who support anyone else.

"Every time I see a player from any other team putting his hands together and looking up, or kissing the silver cross around their neck, or genuflecting after scoring a goal, it gets my tits in a twist," he said, snapping a vuvuzela in two. "Obviously it's not me - why would I rob the Devils by having some fancy-haired idiot from another team scoring against us? It just makes no sense."

Catholic Church rebukes Scientific Community

Following last month’s discovery by noted astrophysists of cosmic gravitational waves undulating through the fabric of space-time (a discovery that was predicted by Einstein almost half a century ago and one which has profound implications on theories of the origin of the universe), The Catholic Church has rebuked the scientific community, demanding that it “Please stop answering so many bloody questions.”

“It’s getting ridiculous,” said Pope Francis who has a bunch of letters after his name. “Every week, a discovery, an invention, a break-through. Don’t they know curiosity killed the cat?”

Many scientists have struck back at this criticism, however, reminding the public that “the cat must be though to be both dead and alive until observed”.

“It’s simple Schrodinger, really,” they said.

Despite this, many of the faithful and hundreds of defenders of unproven-in-any-way-by-reliable-peer-reviewed-journals-in-respectable-medical-science-publications alternative medicines have flocked to support the Church.

“Gravity, Evolution, The Big Bang… These are all just theories,” said long-time churchgoer Mia Thologie, who went on to add that she “of course totally understands the scientific definition of a theory and how it differs from a hypothesis or mere conjecture or postulation”.

“Theories aren’t fact. You want fact? 6000 years old, 7 day creation, talking snakes, strangely-no-longer-missing ribs – these are facts.”

Others have stated similar sentiments.

“The Church is absolutely spot on,” said homeopathic doctor, acutonics expert and crystal healing guru who assimilates scientific jargon and science-y words like “quantum” into his baloney to make it sound legitimate, Robin Hughs. “Just because easily-repeatable experiments with sound methodologies that follow strict, unchanging scientific principles and standards objectively obtain results that prove causation, underlying patterns and the general truth of a hypothesis, doesn’t mean that they’re true.”

The Catholic Church did, however, add that they would be equally happy to negotiate with scientists to come to an agreement.

“Just because we believe in talking snakes, virgin births and that homosexuality is an abomination that should be cured through vigorous whispering to yourself in a building filled with men in dresses, doesn’t mean we aren’t reasonable people,” he said. “We would be just as happy if they stopped asking questions. Either way, we don’t mind.”

Christians, Muslims, Atheists "really bleak" after God appears

pic:wikimedia commons

Millions upon millions of practicing Christians, Muslims, Jews and practitioners of other major religions (as well as Atheists of all creeds) across the world have today told reporters that they were "really pissed" after the Sun God Ja'kinkuur of the little-known Jai'hadish religion of South West India appeared in a gigantic explosion of fire and angels.

His Holiness The One and Only True God Ja'kinkuur, The Majesty of the Lands, Oceans, Stars and Heavens, appeared yesterday morning in a crowded mall in New Delhi, thus proving that he, and not Allah, Yehwah or God, was the One True God. He went on to smite the gathered non-believers who worshipped "false prophets, clay idols and heathen fabrications of deities". 

"At first there was this really awkward silence," said one of the few survivors who escaped the blazing inferno of righteous retribution ignited by the angry flame deity. "I mean, you could basically hear everyone thinking, 'Oh fuck, we got it all wrong. What a shitty way to discover that you've been lied to all your life.' And then a couple of people were shouting, 'Fuck, dawg, are you serious? How did we miss this?' I couldn't hear the rest of what they were shouting, what with all the gnashing of teeth and screams of sacrilegious heretics being punished for their sins."

According to a few minutes on wikipedia our investigation into the matter, Jai'hadish is a small religion comprising about 600 followers and 9 churches in the smaller rural areas of India. 

"You see, we probably would have all been saved if it hadn't been for the other religions' access to the mainstream media and primacy in the development of the modern printing press, and the subsequent incorporation of other religions into state ideologies," said non-believer and media historian Burr Ninhell. "That was probably a bad bit of foresight on our part."

Believers of other false gods across the globe have been reportedly "really annoyed" at the development.

"I mean, if this was the real god, how come we didn't hear about this?" said Othodox Jew Allan Goldstein. "And why hasn't he shown himself in over 6000 years?"

Meanwhile the Vatican Church and religious leaders from across the world have refused to comment on the matter, saying that this was just a media stunt to try and distract attention and steal belief from the One True God.

"We're pretty sure God will pitch up any day now and show this other heathen God who is the Real God," said Pope Gregory XVLI. "But juuuuuuust in case, you know, one-in-a-million-stuff, just to be prudent, you know, we're giving up pork and taking up traditional Jai'hadish dress, like the Holy Ja'hadine says we should. We think God wouldn't be too angry at us taking necessary measures."

Other religions have stated similar thoughts.

"Our God is obviously the real one, definitely, no question about it," said Imam Mohammed Zjadur, "but I think we can all agree that we need to be open-minded about these other possibilities. Besides, I've heard that hell in that religion is awful. it's like Dante's Inferno times a thousand. Ain't no way i'm going that way."

Ja'kinkuur is reportedly scheduled to bring his towering inferno of furious judgement across Asia and Central Africa this afternoon, with the Americas and remaining parts of the utterly devastated world where a few survivors attempt in vain to hide from the wrathful entity's pure rage to be judged later tomorrow afternoon.

"I hope hell won't be too awkward," said ex-devout Christian and soon to be endlessly tortured John Edwards. "I mean, we were all so militantly convinced we were all the right ones. And there was all that awkward stuff about homosexuals and divorcees, and it turns out the Jai'hadishians are pretty chilled about that stuff. Ironic, right?"

And in unrelated news, we're all meeting for pre-eternal-anguish cocktails in hell at 4 o'clock Central Damnation Time. BYOB.