“I actually had nothing to do with that,” says God

Speaking on the unending slew of Facebook statuses, tweets and internet posts thanking Him for His Divine assistance in their exam results, job and university applications, and a wide range of other unexpected successes, God, our Heavenly Father and Creator of all living things, today revealed that He actually played “little to no role” in most of it.

“I know that it might look like I played a vital, incredibly crucial role in securing your place for study at university next year, or that, without me, you would have no doubt utterly bombed out on your final exams,” said the more-than-6000-year-old Lord Our Father reading the incessant flood of tributes on social media to Him. “But actually I didn’t even get involved in any of that.”

His admission was extensive and frank.

“That scholarship to study overseas? Well, didn’t Jessica study late into the night all Me-damned year to get good enough grades for it? Honestly, I’d say that the tireless efforts of her passionate and committed teachers – especially Mrs Archibald, the grade-twelve English teacher who gave her extra lessons and wrote her a beaming reference letter – played a larger role.”

“And honestly, I think we all know who really got Eric Shafer that new luxury BMW sedan,” God confessed. “After all, I’m not the one he has to give fixed monthly payments with 17.3% compounded interest for the next three years.”

In fact, said the Unknowable and Divine Alpha and Omega, the list of blessed souls in the recent past has been much shorter than his Facebook feed claims.

“I mean, I haven’t been totally inactive. There were all those people I helped last year with their university exams. And I DID help that one woman out: old Judy McGinnon,” He said. “Her son, Little Timmy, had a slightly high temperature and an irksome cough, so I gave her a little bit of a helping hand.”

“I thought, ‘it’s the least I can do to help out someone in their desperate time of need’,” He explained. “Well, it was either her or that Fazila chick in the United Arab Emirates who was in that whole ‘about-to-be-beheaded-for-apostasy’ thing. But I think we both know I made the right decision.”

God, our Father in Heaven, said that while almost daily stepping-in on the affairs of mortals was something He used to do several times a month, in more recently times it is no longer considered His Divine Will and Policy.

“I used to help out all the time, you know,” He said. “You know, this person wants to win the Lottery, that person doesn’t want to miss their flight after bad traffic on the M-21, yada yada, but I kinda stopped all that after Irealised how it was seriously cutting in the time I wanted to spend focusing on the little things, like famines, epidemics, wars, murders, crimes, and terminal illnesses in young children.“

“Besides, last time I helped out someone it was that little Ahmed Farouk kid in Baghdad with his inoperable leukemia,’ he said. “I stepped in, made it disappear in a modern-day miracle, and what does the ungrateful little shit go and do? Thanked Allah for it. Bastard.”

Christians, Muslims, Atheists "really bleak" after God appears

pic:wikimedia commons

Millions upon millions of practicing Christians, Muslims, Jews and practitioners of other major religions (as well as Atheists of all creeds) across the world have today told reporters that they were "really pissed" after the Sun God Ja'kinkuur of the little-known Jai'hadish religion of South West India appeared in a gigantic explosion of fire and angels.

His Holiness The One and Only True God Ja'kinkuur, The Majesty of the Lands, Oceans, Stars and Heavens, appeared yesterday morning in a crowded mall in New Delhi, thus proving that he, and not Allah, Yehwah or God, was the One True God. He went on to smite the gathered non-believers who worshipped "false prophets, clay idols and heathen fabrications of deities". 

"At first there was this really awkward silence," said one of the few survivors who escaped the blazing inferno of righteous retribution ignited by the angry flame deity. "I mean, you could basically hear everyone thinking, 'Oh fuck, we got it all wrong. What a shitty way to discover that you've been lied to all your life.' And then a couple of people were shouting, 'Fuck, dawg, are you serious? How did we miss this?' I couldn't hear the rest of what they were shouting, what with all the gnashing of teeth and screams of sacrilegious heretics being punished for their sins."

According to a few minutes on wikipedia our investigation into the matter, Jai'hadish is a small religion comprising about 600 followers and 9 churches in the smaller rural areas of India. 

"You see, we probably would have all been saved if it hadn't been for the other religions' access to the mainstream media and primacy in the development of the modern printing press, and the subsequent incorporation of other religions into state ideologies," said non-believer and media historian Burr Ninhell. "That was probably a bad bit of foresight on our part."

Believers of other false gods across the globe have been reportedly "really annoyed" at the development.

"I mean, if this was the real god, how come we didn't hear about this?" said Othodox Jew Allan Goldstein. "And why hasn't he shown himself in over 6000 years?"

Meanwhile the Vatican Church and religious leaders from across the world have refused to comment on the matter, saying that this was just a media stunt to try and distract attention and steal belief from the One True God.

"We're pretty sure God will pitch up any day now and show this other heathen God who is the Real God," said Pope Gregory XVLI. "But juuuuuuust in case, you know, one-in-a-million-stuff, just to be prudent, you know, we're giving up pork and taking up traditional Jai'hadish dress, like the Holy Ja'hadine says we should. We think God wouldn't be too angry at us taking necessary measures."

Other religions have stated similar thoughts.

"Our God is obviously the real one, definitely, no question about it," said Imam Mohammed Zjadur, "but I think we can all agree that we need to be open-minded about these other possibilities. Besides, I've heard that hell in that religion is awful. it's like Dante's Inferno times a thousand. Ain't no way i'm going that way."

Ja'kinkuur is reportedly scheduled to bring his towering inferno of furious judgement across Asia and Central Africa this afternoon, with the Americas and remaining parts of the utterly devastated world where a few survivors attempt in vain to hide from the wrathful entity's pure rage to be judged later tomorrow afternoon.

"I hope hell won't be too awkward," said ex-devout Christian and soon to be endlessly tortured John Edwards. "I mean, we were all so militantly convinced we were all the right ones. And there was all that awkward stuff about homosexuals and divorcees, and it turns out the Jai'hadishians are pretty chilled about that stuff. Ironic, right?"

And in unrelated news, we're all meeting for pre-eternal-anguish cocktails in hell at 4 o'clock Central Damnation Time. BYOB.