“I actually had nothing to do with that,” says God

Speaking on the unending slew of Facebook statuses, tweets and internet posts thanking Him for His Divine assistance in their exam results, job and university applications, and a wide range of other unexpected successes, God, our Heavenly Father and Creator of all living things, today revealed that He actually played “little to no role” in most of it.

“I know that it might look like I played a vital, incredibly crucial role in securing your place for study at university next year, or that, without me, you would have no doubt utterly bombed out on your final exams,” said the more-than-6000-year-old Lord Our Father reading the incessant flood of tributes on social media to Him. “But actually I didn’t even get involved in any of that.”

His admission was extensive and frank.

“That scholarship to study overseas? Well, didn’t Jessica study late into the night all Me-damned year to get good enough grades for it? Honestly, I’d say that the tireless efforts of her passionate and committed teachers – especially Mrs Archibald, the grade-twelve English teacher who gave her extra lessons and wrote her a beaming reference letter – played a larger role.”

“And honestly, I think we all know who really got Eric Shafer that new luxury BMW sedan,” God confessed. “After all, I’m not the one he has to give fixed monthly payments with 17.3% compounded interest for the next three years.”

In fact, said the Unknowable and Divine Alpha and Omega, the list of blessed souls in the recent past has been much shorter than his Facebook feed claims.

“I mean, I haven’t been totally inactive. There were all those people I helped last year with their university exams. And I DID help that one woman out: old Judy McGinnon,” He said. “Her son, Little Timmy, had a slightly high temperature and an irksome cough, so I gave her a little bit of a helping hand.”

“I thought, ‘it’s the least I can do to help out someone in their desperate time of need’,” He explained. “Well, it was either her or that Fazila chick in the United Arab Emirates who was in that whole ‘about-to-be-beheaded-for-apostasy’ thing. But I think we both know I made the right decision.”

God, our Father in Heaven, said that while almost daily stepping-in on the affairs of mortals was something He used to do several times a month, in more recently times it is no longer considered His Divine Will and Policy.

“I used to help out all the time, you know,” He said. “You know, this person wants to win the Lottery, that person doesn’t want to miss their flight after bad traffic on the M-21, yada yada, but I kinda stopped all that after Irealised how it was seriously cutting in the time I wanted to spend focusing on the little things, like famines, epidemics, wars, murders, crimes, and terminal illnesses in young children.“

“Besides, last time I helped out someone it was that little Ahmed Farouk kid in Baghdad with his inoperable leukemia,’ he said. “I stepped in, made it disappear in a modern-day miracle, and what does the ungrateful little shit go and do? Thanked Allah for it. Bastard.”

Science and evolution: God’s hidden punishment

Enough time has passed for the death threats to be considered “low risk”, and so Guest Writer Johan Van Eksteen is back. This time on his blisteringly hot skillet of truth: the rancid lie-meat of science and evolution.

People always ask me, “Johan, you’re really smart and good-looking, and incredibly charismatic and well-read, not to mention just generally the nicest guy around, but how do you balance seeming opposing views of science (and its central tenets of evolution, phyletic gradualism and the development and origins of life) against close-held and personally cherished ideas of God, religion, and a Biblical and true creation story?”

And for most people who read the Bible, the answer seems easy: that science is a lie, a gargantuan, Brobdinagian confabulation designed to keep us from trusting in God and his unconditional love that requires only that we obey his every word and command.

But really, my friends, the answer is much more simple and cunning: science and evolution are real. But God created them to punish us feeble nonbelievers and doubters.

Actual photo of Charles Darwin.

Now of course, evolution is just a theory. It’s not even based on facts; this is true of all science theories. Even scientists know this: that’s why they’re called “the theory” and not “the fact of evolution” or “the fact of gravity”.

But in this world of tens of thousands of gods appearing in a plethora of cultures across geological ages in all corners of the globe, and the overwhelming, constant lies of science, you need to think critically and carefully, take all the data into mind - and then use it to reject the sceptical, aloof mindset that always seems to think you need proof to think something is true.

“It’s impossible” I hear you scoff smugly like the heartless atheists you are. “The two are contradictory and mutually exclusive, and indeed the facts of one are diametrically opposed to the core beliefs of the other!”

But that’s where you’re wrong.

They aren’t mutually exclusive phenomena, but instead happen alongside one another – and not in the way you’ve heard: where we decided God invented evolution after only 200 years of denying its existence. You see, science didn’t “kill god” as some say – science was invented by God to mislead and punish the wicked.

Only God – a truly benevolent being of infinite power, wisdom and love – can create sunsets, ice-cream and medicine. He created Eden. He creates beauty, magic, awe, wonder. He created you and me. He created Supersport and casual racism.

Scientists: truly evil. Photographs don't lie. 

However, he knew, in his might and wisdom, that people would doubt the Bible; that people would say “Leviticus this” and “radiometric dating that” and “lack of empirical evidence that can be used to qualify and validate a given hypothesis” yada yada yada. So he created Evolution to punish them.

Only something as evil as evolution and Darwinism could take a harmless, joyful God-handcrafted little fruitfly and force it to change, slowly, over hundreds of years, in minor incremental steps to develop a stinger that would allow it to suck the blood of innocent babies, and inject symbiotic deadly parasites in their tiny veins, infecting and killing them slowly. Only evolution – a vile and twisted concept, I’m sure you’ll agree – would take the billions of illness- and pestilence-free viruses and bacteria and slowly but surely make them build up minor changes to their DNA structure that would let them ravage the human body and kills millions of people.

God knew science and scientists would one day mislead people. So created science – things like evolution, not to mention astrophysics, geology and chemistry – to mislead the scientists.

God created what is good; science turns it into evil.

It’s just another one of God’s ways of testing your faith, like purposefully putting dinosaur bones on the Earth or making a seemingly true set of physical and astronomical phenomena that go against the truths of Heliocentrism. Evolution is nothing better than the hundreds of thousands of other heathen clay idols – like Allah, quantum physics and the idea that the All Blacks are a better rugby team – put on Earth to misguide you.

My friends, you need to educate yourself to avoid eternal damnation. The next time you hear a scientist say something like “oh, We don't actually come from monkeys; rather, we and the apes share a common prehistoric ancestor that underwent thousands of minor changes over thousands of years to give two very different but related organisms”, just use some very simple arguments to checkmate them.

Arguments like, “Then why are there still monkeys around?”

Arguments like, “So you’re saying we should fuck monkeys, you sick bastard?”

God made man and woman. Just remember also that he made monkeys too, and that those monkeys evolved to become scientists. And why in the world would anyone trust a monkey?

Johan is a guest columnist at Muse and Abuse. Widely renowned for his non-nonsense approach to controversial topics, Johan shines a blinding light of truth on subjects like the hideous scourge of immigration, why white people should vote ANC, why Blackface isn't the real racist problem in SA, and how Black Privilege is an ugly truth that no one wants to admit. He also thinks gay marriage should have been outlawed years ago.

Why Charles Darwin is Satan (not just a theory!)

A guest post by Cardinal Johan Eksteen

My dear Brothers and Sisters in Our Lord Jesus Christ, I think it’s about time we had a serious talk. Recently, it has come to my attention that a dangerous book is circulating our society. A book filled with lies and drivel. A book that has brainless monkeys on a slow journey to become fully intelligent beings in it. Yes, I think we all know what book we’re talking about.

No, not the 2014 Guide to Ministerial Cabinet Members in South Africa.

I’m talking about Charles “The Insane Doctor” Darwin’s On the Origin of the Species.

The scientific community wants you to believe this piece of Satan’s handiwork. Schools want to teach it to our innocent children. God-hating atheists want you to think it’s holy writ. But I’ve read it. And I think it’s time we debunked this heap of putrid half-truths for what it is.

• It’s just a theory

  First of all, it’s just a theory. That’s why it’s called the “Theory” of evolution. Words don’t lie. A theory is a theory, no matter how you or a generation of white-coated buffoons want to define it. And while most scientists - apparently 97% of them – believe that it is an irrefutable account for the man’s roots and history, remember that we’re talking about a community in which that same 97% of followers believe in so-called “climate change”. And this last fact brings us neatly to our next damning point.

• The community is a bunch of godless fibbers

  All science is a is a school of thought. It’s a collection of beliefs about what the world is. That’s all. So when you choose to blindly follow science, you’re choosing to simply follow an age-old system of ultra-strict rules and doctrines. Worse yet, they don’t even have faith. How can you have faith that what you believe is the Truth? Because of test tubes and experiments?

  To this, I ask: “which is more stunning proof: a series of methodical and repeatable observations by fallible men (thankfully, not many woman are leaders in the community; that much we have in common at least), or the awe-inspiring, breath-taking miracles of God? The titration of two substances X and Y to give precipitate Z, or the Ten Deadly Plagues that Our Merciful and Heavenly Father visited on the Egyptians, as factually documented in all historical accounts since the Roman era? The choice is obvious.

• It’s just an old book

  The book they all read and believe is old. How old? Who knows. Maybe even as much as a hundred years old. Maybe even older. Things were different back then. But times have changed. Are you going to believe an outmoded, obsolete book, or the holy, timeless decree of God Our Saviour as written , translated, retranslated, adapted, revised, and reviewed by a series of unknown authors?

• Just look at Charles Darwin. Look at him.
  
  
  

  He’s an old, white bearded guy, delivering his rules and laws from some faraway land – rules which were first fomented many hundreds of years ago. Are you going to believe a bunch of commands and ‘facts’ just because a benevolent Grandfather figure handed them down over generations to us?

• It’s homophobic

  Evolution, as it currently stands, hates the gay community. If two gay men want to pass both of their genetic material onto a child, bigoted science tells them it’s impossible because of ‘primary sexual characteristics’ and ‘the intricacies of sexual reproduction’ and ‘same-sex human sexual reproductive incompatibility in evolutionary theory’. We don’t do that. Well, not any more. Gays wanna hook up? Fine by us. Gays want to have children? Go ahead! In our loving, accepting community – especially now that we’ve apologised for at least some of our heinous so-called ‘crimes’ that we committed centuries ago – gays can do what they want. Except, you know, get married.

• You can’t even see evolution!

  If evolution really exists – if its timeless and eons-long process is really there, guiding Mankind and all other species down its course – why can’t we see it? Why isn’t it active today, performing wondrous acts of Evolution on a daily basis? Why hasn’t evolution of anything been visible since the book was written? It’s damning evidence – almost as damning as the question “why are there still monkeys around today if we’re all supposed to evolve?”

• It’s repressive

  What is Evolution, after you strip away all the colourful promises and flattering pretences? I’ll tell you: it’s just a bunch of laws and texts that tell us what to think and what to feel and what to believe. If you don’t believe them and their ‘ineffable scientific method’, they shun you, belittle your beliefs, and oversimplify the basic tenets of you arguments to make you look like a moron or someone who simply can’t understand the simplest facts about the world. Would the church ever do such a thing?

• As an Origin story, it’s total nonsense

  Have you read this garbage? “We come from monkeys?” “Over millions of years we slowly became modern humans?” Who would believe such fruit-of-the-tree-of-knowledge-less, talking-snake-less drivel? Who could even hold for just a moment the preposterous idea that the world is older than 6000 years? Who could ever doubt for even a second that everything – from ferns and grapes to whales, modern man and the mighty rhinoceros – was made in just seven days? Hell-bound tricksters and rascals, that’s who.

Well, folks, I hope you can now see why this baseless book of buffoonery is something we should all be wary of. Join me next week, when I disprove The Big Bang Theory and the entirely of Quantum Physics (quarks and gluons! What absolute rot!)

Until then, remember to eat the symbolic flesh of a long-dead human man who killed himself to make himself forgive all sins past, present and future that came about because two people he made (one from the rib of the other, or not, depending on which part of the Bible you read) in a debatable order of species creation ate an apple that gave them the knowledge of understanding why eating the apple was such a big No-No in the first place.

Pics: Public Domain.

"It was my pleasure" - God to exam candidates

Following the end of another period of university exams and yet another conferral of bachelor's degrees to students, God, our Almighty and Heavenly Father, the Creator and Saviour, took time out of his busy schedule today to receive thanks and praise for letting so many students pass their exams and finally obtain their university qualifications.

"I'm glad they all remembered to thank me. You know, there are many naysayers who doubt me, who say that I never answer prayers and that I leave the world in a ceaseless cycle of misery and suffering while turning naught but a blind eye to the unending horror many hundreds face on a daily basis," said the 6000-year old Best-selling author in a press conference held in front of a burning bush earlier today, "but I think that all these Facebook statuses are proof enough that I'm here and that I do actually do stuff to help when it matters most. I really help out with the more important things in life."

Experts and university professors have since come forward to confirm the Divine Father's majesty and exam-beating power.

"As we all know, the makeup of a University course and the fact that it's broken down into three or four years to spread out the central concepts of the various fields of expertise into a structured and thematic development of knowledge was specifically crafted to be unbeatable without divine intervention," said the Vice Chancellor of the University of Cape Town, Prax Marice. "Even our exams are physically impossible to pass. The questions are literally unanswerable, and even if they were, we employ teams of blind monkeys (which we didn't evolve from) to scribble on the answer sheets and make them illegible and unmarkable."

That so many students passed, say professors and course coordinators, is testament to the unknowable and incomparable magnitude of the Holy Trinity's awesome potency.

"I spend hours a week preparing lectures filled with lies and red herrings that are aimed at misleading our students," said Journalism and Media Studies lecturer Cato Stropteros. "Then, to make matters worse, I routinely set tests, quizzes, essays and semesterly evaluations to ensure that each term's horrendous disfigurement of the truth is being fully absorbed. On top of this, each semester has an extensive collection of hundred-page-long Manifestos filled with falsehoods and slander that are branded ‘required reading’. I don't know how God undoes all my hours of hard work, but it gets me every year."

He added that many students had received God's blessings despite having spent hours in the Temple of Lies, known by many Satanists as "The 24-hour Section" or "The Library".

"Some students passed even though they spent sometimes whole nights in these Bible-denying hate-houses," said Stropteros. "Hell, half of them even preferred a diet of caffeine and energy drinks over holy water, wafers and unleaven bread. It just shows you the extent of God's generosity."

And despite mounting criticism that God had done nothing to prevent war and death in Syria, Ebola, or the abhorrent and not-yet-fully-declassified report into the State-sanctioned human rights violations and atrocious allegations of torture and murder by the CIA, and that even Satanists, atheists, Muslims, and Jews had also passed their exams, many have remained thankful, with Universities across the world introducing sweeping changes to their fundamental structure.

"Clearly, the entire concept of a University is utterly pointless and meaningless, so we're just going to change the university year to be just a two-week period of exams," said Marice. "This way, no one will have to sacrifice thousands of rands and hundreds of hours all in the name of becoming unemployed and overqualified."

At the time of going to press, a thousand other deities had not responded to requests for commentary, leading us to assume that they obviously don't exist.

Pic: wikimedia commons, public domain.

Students are ultimate doomsday preppers - Study

The Apocalypse no longer means the definite end of days, after a study has found that the majority of university students would “easily survive any massive, society-altering catastrophe” simply because their living conditions are similar to, if not worse than, those that any Act of God could wreak on Earth.

"When we think of any global catastrophe – a giant meteor strike, for example, or a widespread meltdown of the current unsustainable system of Free-market capitalism – and how it would result in huge cuts to electricity, quantity and quality of water supply, cramped and post-apocalyptic living conditions, and a severely reduced food supply, we can immediately see how many thousands of students would be able to survive or even totally not notice such an event, only because these kinds of conditions are prevalent in this demographic,” said chair of the study’s research organisation, Cathy Strophie. “Hell, some of them might even find it to be a period of hedonistic excess.”

Citing months-long diets of PnP No Name two-minute noodles or Residence Dining Hall food, the intermittent and shoddy Municipal water supply, extensive power cuts and load-shedding, and the usual living conditions in student digs, many students have wholeheartedly welcomed the study’s findings.

“Many people live in fear that the sun could blow up, or that a massive dormant supervolcano could erupt at any moment and end our way of life as we know it,” said one student at Rhodes University, “but honestly, I wreak that kind of havoc on my own life at least once a month with the dangerous combination of my bank’s half-month fees and charges and my overzealous attitude towards to the money I get on the first of the month. Seriously, I watched Viggo Mortensen in The Road and I was like, ‘damn, this guy has it good. Look at all that tinned food!’”

Pictured (left to right): Thabo Mbeki, Jacob Zuma, Bheki Cele and Angie Motshekga

Many other students have agreed.

“If you’re looking for the world’s best Doomsday Preppers, you don’t have to turn to those crappy programs on Discovery Channel,” said another. “Just last night I made a delicious and nutritious soup out of just dust, an old t shirt and some old leaves I found outside on the lawn. The End of the World and the End of the Month are actually synonymous terms.”

Even the resulting global shortage of alcohol – an immediate red flag – wouldn’t be a tragedy.

“Have you ever been to UCT?” said one civil engineer in an anorak on upper campus. “Half of us brew our own beer. Come on, Apocalypse. You can do better than that.”

The research team has since found that the only people more prepared that students for the apocalypse are “most Zimbabweans” – and they agree.

“We survived Meteorite Mugabe and Megastorm Zanu. Frankly, I hear South African xenophobes call us ‘cockroaches’ and I’m flattered because it’s proof we’ll outlive all those bigoted arseholes,” said Harare resident Tendai Mutenga. “When the Four Horsemen arrive and destroy civil society as we know it, Zim probably welcome the massive upgrades with a national celebration and public holiday.”

Members of the Zanu-PF government have, however, said that Zimbabwe will not enter the Apocalypse any time soon.

"People mustn't think the Apocalypse is coming," said PR manager for the political party. "We simply aren't in a position to enact those kinds of upgrades to law, infrastructure and general society right now - we'd have to wait until 'elections' at the very least."

Pics: Creative Commons

Hell “not actually that bad”

Following a long, happy reunion with friends, family, ex-colleagues, old girlfriends and almost 80% of his Facebook acquaintances, Derek Henderson, once 34, told reporters this morning that Hell, the infamous pit of fire and brimstone, that dark torture hole of eternal damnation, is actually “not really all that bad.”

“I’ll admit, when I first got here I was really anxious,” he told reporters gathered around an Ouija board. “I’d heard all sorts of terrible stories of pain and endless suffering, and so I understandably started gnashing my teeth. But when I was waiting in the eight-hundred kilometre queue outside the black gates, I ran into my all old friends and the people I knew back on the physical realm. I was too busy catching up to even notice that my soul was beyond redemption!”

However, Henderson’s list of positive aspects didn’t stop there.

“It’s always so tropical and warm down here, which makes a nice change from living in cold, cold Canada. The décor is excellent – like an authentic Dark Ages-style Gothic feel – and the volcano hell pits put on an excellent fireworks display every few seconds. Sure, I might be steeped in incomparable agony every walking moment and I might be pained by the ceaseless torment of knowing I'll forever be damned to unending and horrific torture, but apart from that I honestly don’t have any complains.”

This revelation comes just days after reports by members of the heavenly host that heaven, the final resting place of joy, elation and wonder, is “sooooo flippen’ boring, bro”.

According to reports by Gerrie Huuysmans, who arrived at the pearly gates just three days ago, there are no guns, no sport, no alcohol and no sex in heaven, making it more boring even than his hometown of Boksburg.

“It’s all this flippen’ moffie choir-boy nonsense of white robes and angel wings and halos,” he told reporters from a burning bush last Friday. “Yes, you’re filled with constant ecstacy, and it's quite a kiff exlusive party 'cos the bouncer only lets in the righteous and truly hot binnets, but even being happy gets kak dull if you can’t chug back a few brewskies whilst checking out the nasty binnets in hell who would do the freaky stuff. I can’t believe I spent my whole life being a good Christian and staying on the right path, and now I can’t even enjoy the guilty-boner-giving things Leviticus openly condemns.”

Satan, however, has said that "they won't enjoy it for long."

"Not because they're basically eternally fucked," he explained, sharpening his dildo-trident, "but because he'll have to share it with that bunch of flat, characterless dicks he calls 'friends'."

God personally awards ManU with win over Arsenal

Thousands of Manchester United fans took to the streets in celebration last weekend, after God took time out of his busy schedule of ignoring starvation, racial discrimination, poverty and war to give the Red Devils a clean 4 - 0 win against rivals Arsenal.

According to the best-selling author and divine creator, he was ignoring a three-year-old paraplegic and blind wheelchair-bound boy's cry for help when he decided to get involved in the hotly-contested and "far more important" 90 minute period of a bunch of millionaires kicking a plastic sphere of air around a patch of grass.

"St Peter and Jesus and I were kicking it in my pearly crib, when J-C said that Christianity has been getting a really bad rap these days. We spoke about how best to make an impact, you know, really reconnect with our fanbase. We could have solved hunger or saved a dying baby or something, but no one posts about that shit on Facebook and Twitter every day. It's just not popular," said the divine being of unknowable age.

Then Jesus remembered how football was, like, everywhere: in slow motion replays, dedicated sports channels and packed bars.

"It's basically its own religion," said Our Lord and Saviour. "It quickly became apparent that we could look really good by doing something that takes really no effort at all. I mean, I once fed thousands of people with just a few fish and a loaf of bread. I think I can put a plastic ball into a net. Come on."

The Almighty and Heavenly Father's religion, Christianity, is now the second-most popular in England (home of Premier League Football), with almost 23 followers.

The miraculous four last-minute goals mark one of the Holy Father's most widely praised miracles in almost 2000 years. Religious and political analysts have since been debating the divine appearance in great depth.

Other critics have, however, defended the Holy Father's decision, saying that it was a fresh new take on world problems.

"We see pictures of starving children with distended bellies and sawn-off or blown-off limbs everyday," said media analyst Mizrep Risent. "It's just getting stale. So when we saw pictures in the paper of a young boy in a football stadium with that wonderful smile on his face, shining tears of joy streaking his face after his Football team had scored a point, I immediately felt the old heart strings tug. It's a bold new take on an age-old problem."

However, some have critisised the miracle, saying that the match had been looking pretty much dead even up until the intervention.

"In terms of miraculousness, it was about a 4 out of 10," said Cardinal Archie Bishup, "and so it falls somewhere between a plague of frogs and a turning water to wine. Man-U has had a great season, and so some say that they didn't really need the extra help. Hell, they're already ahead on the log. It would have been impressive if it had been 4 - 0 to Everton."

Arsenal fans and players alike have since expressed their displeasure at God's action, saying that they, too, prayed for victory. Notable examples include ex-defender and current multimillionaire Hover Payd."I would like to blame God for the loss," he said. "Without, him, we might have actually won. Thanks a lot. Now all I have is my incredible pile of money to wallow inconsolably in for the rest of the day. You know how many strippers and cocaine i'm going to have to go through to recover from this?"

God, however, personally defended his actions, saying that there was a "special place reserved in hell" for those "festering rectal sores" who support anyone else.

"Every time I see a player from any other team putting his hands together and looking up, or kissing the silver cross around their neck, or genuflecting after scoring a goal, it gets my tits in a twist," he said, snapping a vuvuzela in two. "Obviously it's not me - why would I rob the Devils by having some fancy-haired idiot from another team scoring against us? It just makes no sense."

Julius Malema actually a black Jesus

Thousand of South Africans and millions of Christians around the world wept for joy this evening, after revelations affirming the age-old prophesy of the return of Jesus Christ came true in the form of Julius Malema.

"It took us a while to realise that the loud-mouthed controversy-machine was actually our Dear Lord and Saviour, the Blessed, the Holy Trinity, The Son of God Jesus Christ," said one teary-eyed Christian who had been whispering to herself before bed for the return of our Lord ever since her parents told her which bearded sky dude was the right one, "but once you really think about it, it isn't so hard to come to grips with. The signs are there."

Many theologians and clerical officials have since confirmed that Malema is, in fact, our Messiah.

"If you look at that tome of proven historical fact, our literal instruction manual for our lives here on Earth - the Bible - you can see that Jesus took five fishes and three loaves of bread and divided it again and again to feed thousands," said Biblical Expert Levi Tikus. "Julius, in much the same way, takes a measly government salary and turns it into expensive houses, fancy cars and expensive watches. It's a modern day miracle."

Tikus went on to point out many other similarities that were definitely proof that Malema was Christ come again.

"Jesus was crucified, dead and buried, and yet he rose again on the third day," he said, "and if we look at Julius's political career, he was crufied by the ANC and the mass media, left for dead in the desert of social ostracisation, and yet is back, bigger and badder than ever, the head of his own new burgeoning band of red-bereted disciples. Also, Jesus was kind, compassionate, caring and forgiving, and - I know it might seem like he isn't, but it's true - Julius, beneath the false layer of Shoot the Boer and his controversial hate speech charges, Julius is just a really caring, sweet guy who wants nothing more than peace and forgiveness and SARS to leave him alone."

He also added that literally, we aren't kidding, no satire in this sentence, "if you google 'Jesus in a beret, it comes up with pictures of Julius.'"

The ANC, however, have reacted to this with scorn and derision.

"He isn't Jesus," they said, denying our Lord and Saviour and earning themselves a lower pit in hell than the one that Satan had already reserved for them. "Jesus was a carpenter, and I think we all know how old Juju gets along with Woodwork. JC? More like GG."

The ANC went on to brand him and all those who followed him "counterrevolutionary sell-outs".

"We know we say this like all the time to anyone who doesn't agree with us, but this time we really mean it. This time, it's for realsies."

Despite this stunning counter-riposte, some factions within the ANC say that the claim could be true.

"It would really all depend on what the claim would mean for us as a people, and as a political party," said chief whip for the ANC Lujius Lamema. "If he is Jesus, then that would make the ANC a kind of religion, and Zuma a kind of de facto God. If that is so, this could have huge repercussions. Firstly, we shouldn't pay taxes - anything else is anti-religious, blasphemic, even - while in His Wisdom you should all still render unto ANCeasar that which is the ANC'sa. Secondly, this means that there is a divine, unknowable reason for Zuma allowing poverty, crime, rape, and vast unemployment to go unchecked despite his unending power and all-seeing greatness. After all, God does work in mysterious ways."

God, Our Heavenly Father, was unwilling to comment on the matter, but he did hint that this rebranding of the much-loved Messiah was long overdue.

"We were getting stagnant, losing followers with our old branding. We needed to shake things up a bit, show our dynamism. A black unbearded communist is about as hectic as we could go. We were thinking a gay Chinese man, but we don't want our religion led by the bad guy from Hangover 3."

Many South African, however, still deny that Melema is our Saviour Come Again, but they are reportedly unworried by threats that they'll go to hell.

"This blerrie country is going to hell anyway," they said, clutching braai tongs.

Christians, Muslims, Atheists "really bleak" after God appears

pic:wikimedia commons

Millions upon millions of practicing Christians, Muslims, Jews and practitioners of other major religions (as well as Atheists of all creeds) across the world have today told reporters that they were "really pissed" after the Sun God Ja'kinkuur of the little-known Jai'hadish religion of South West India appeared in a gigantic explosion of fire and angels.

His Holiness The One and Only True God Ja'kinkuur, The Majesty of the Lands, Oceans, Stars and Heavens, appeared yesterday morning in a crowded mall in New Delhi, thus proving that he, and not Allah, Yehwah or God, was the One True God. He went on to smite the gathered non-believers who worshipped "false prophets, clay idols and heathen fabrications of deities". 

"At first there was this really awkward silence," said one of the few survivors who escaped the blazing inferno of righteous retribution ignited by the angry flame deity. "I mean, you could basically hear everyone thinking, 'Oh fuck, we got it all wrong. What a shitty way to discover that you've been lied to all your life.' And then a couple of people were shouting, 'Fuck, dawg, are you serious? How did we miss this?' I couldn't hear the rest of what they were shouting, what with all the gnashing of teeth and screams of sacrilegious heretics being punished for their sins."

According to a few minutes on wikipedia our investigation into the matter, Jai'hadish is a small religion comprising about 600 followers and 9 churches in the smaller rural areas of India. 

"You see, we probably would have all been saved if it hadn't been for the other religions' access to the mainstream media and primacy in the development of the modern printing press, and the subsequent incorporation of other religions into state ideologies," said non-believer and media historian Burr Ninhell. "That was probably a bad bit of foresight on our part."

Believers of other false gods across the globe have been reportedly "really annoyed" at the development.

"I mean, if this was the real god, how come we didn't hear about this?" said Othodox Jew Allan Goldstein. "And why hasn't he shown himself in over 6000 years?"

Meanwhile the Vatican Church and religious leaders from across the world have refused to comment on the matter, saying that this was just a media stunt to try and distract attention and steal belief from the One True God.

"We're pretty sure God will pitch up any day now and show this other heathen God who is the Real God," said Pope Gregory XVLI. "But juuuuuuust in case, you know, one-in-a-million-stuff, just to be prudent, you know, we're giving up pork and taking up traditional Jai'hadish dress, like the Holy Ja'hadine says we should. We think God wouldn't be too angry at us taking necessary measures."

Other religions have stated similar thoughts.

"Our God is obviously the real one, definitely, no question about it," said Imam Mohammed Zjadur, "but I think we can all agree that we need to be open-minded about these other possibilities. Besides, I've heard that hell in that religion is awful. it's like Dante's Inferno times a thousand. Ain't no way i'm going that way."

Ja'kinkuur is reportedly scheduled to bring his towering inferno of furious judgement across Asia and Central Africa this afternoon, with the Americas and remaining parts of the utterly devastated world where a few survivors attempt in vain to hide from the wrathful entity's pure rage to be judged later tomorrow afternoon.

"I hope hell won't be too awkward," said ex-devout Christian and soon to be endlessly tortured John Edwards. "I mean, we were all so militantly convinced we were all the right ones. And there was all that awkward stuff about homosexuals and divorcees, and it turns out the Jai'hadishians are pretty chilled about that stuff. Ironic, right?"

And in unrelated news, we're all meeting for pre-eternal-anguish cocktails in hell at 4 o'clock Central Damnation Time. BYOB.

Satan announces plans to expand Hell

Following reiterations by the major religions of the world concerning who would burn for all eternity for their sins, the Dark Lord has announced that they have been forced to begin expansions to the endless bonfire of damnation.

Hell, currently the home of endless anguish to some 5 billion souls, just isn't big enough to deal with these expected numbers, said Lucifer.

The Underlord of Anguish and Misery first started his small business 6000 years ago, after disagreements led him to his retirement and banishment from his last job at Pearly Gates, Inc. It is now the largest not-for-profit (and also not-for-prophet) self-starter organisation in existence.

"Me and the boss there had a tiff a few thousand years ago, but I think it was all for the better," he said, reclining on his atheist-skin couch. 

"We've had a booming industry in the past few millenia, and we only expect to get bigger as more religions come up."

When asked which religion he was accepting into his pits of torment, he smiled.

"We're not like that other place. We don't discriminate. If you fuck up up there, you're fucked down here. Sometimes literally," he said, pointing out a device that we won't describe except to say that it looks like it causes assloads of pain.

The move has come just in time: recently the Vatican confirmed that atheists are definitely going to hell.

"We weren't too worried about that. The Church has always been pretty clear on what happens to people who have the nerve and cheek to hold different opinions to them," he said, sipping the blood of unChristened infants.

"We've always accounted for those numbers, just as we've accounted for the people who are probably coming here because they're selfish misguided assholes who hide prejudice behind a thin veil of religious indoctrination. Besides, there's a lot more room here than people think, especially since gay people aren't coming here. Yeah, they aren't. Fucking deal with it."

Still, they've had to expand, and have even rented space on Rhodes University. 

"It's SWOT week right now over there," he said. "Hell comes in many shapes and sizes."

The Vatican could not be reached for comment. Goddamn Vodacom signal.

Gays to protest marriage

In a stunning turn of events, the gay community has risen up in protest of heterosexual marriage. The decision comes in the light of much international controversy and unwillingness to make gay marriage legal.

According to Fabio Liss, head of the activism movement Stop Straight Marriage (SSM), there has not been enough critical engagement with the "modern, hyper-glamourised and overidealistic notion" of heterosexual marriage.

"Thousand of studies across the globe all agree that 100% of divorces begin with marriage, and thus are the cause of much misery and consternation," said Liss. "We need to stop this sickness before it spreads any further."

Current media depictions of monogamous civil unions like marriage, he said, are extremely misleading. "People think that you'll ride off into the sunset together, to go and stare lovingly into each others' eyes over a picnic basket at the gardens of Versailles."

This, said Liss, is not true.

"We have seen again and again that marriage is not a wonderful blossoming flower of love," he said.

When asked about the church's constant defence of the "sanctity of marriage", he agrees that they do have a point.

"We know that there are a lot of pure, loving, long-term committed relationships that do come about from marriage, like between Britney Spears and K-Fed, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra... the list goes on and on... but we shouldn't let a few shining examples mislead us from the general rule."

Marriage, he says, is the cause of many of the church's woes.

"Yes, heterosexual marriage does, for the most part, make normal, sane, law-abiding citizens, such as Luis Garavito, Gary Ridgway, and John Wayne Gacy, but it has been well-documented that most gay people are the product of heterosexual parents. If the church wants to stop gays, it should stop them at the source."

According to the SSM, marriage is an unnatural act that should be outlawed.

"No other animal in the entire animal kingdom gets married. It's entirely against the laws of nature."

Many of the SSM's homosexual members were confused as to why the church hated them so much.

"We just don't get it. They like ostentatious dress robes, elaborate ceremonies, wine, choral ensembles with 8-part harmonies and people who can't get abortions, and read a book that is full of strong, loveable men. We're practically the same," said James Thomson.

However, the church and many homophobic fucking idiots of its anti-gay-marriage supporters have been quick to defend themselves from this attack.

"This is just another sick part of the Gay Onslaught," said Cardinal Dean Biship. "It's Gay Marriage that's unnatural, because one of the main purposes of marriage is to produce offspring. How are two gay men going to make another baby to add to the obvious problem of global underpopulation?"

His supporters are totally in agreement.

"It's completely unnatural" said part-time chemical engineer and full-time gay-basher Vulof Hayte, handing out t-shirts made from nylon and synthetic dye and hotdogs produced with chemical preservatives at a recent anti-gay-marriage rally. When asked about the hundreds of natural animal species that can be homosexual, he smiled.

"What do think we're going to ban next? Gay horses. Duh."

Biship also touched on fears that gay marriage will turn everyone gay.

"We saw this in 1967, when the Supreme Court ruled that anti-miscegenation laws were unconstitutional and allowed black people and white people to get married. Studies showed that, after that, almost 59% of normal marriages within five kilometers of the mixed marriage had one or both partners immediately turn black." he said.

Bishop is determined to not let the courts win again.

"We can't do anything about that ruling now, because it's not socially acceptable to hate black people - at least not publically. Thank god it's still open season on gays. Thank god."

The church is awash with other fears, such as that the sun will not come up.

Artist's impression of most major cities after legalisation of gay marriage

"Recent studies have shown the the homophobic sun revolves around marriage as a union. If we let our ground slip, the world will be plunged into eternal freezing darkness."

When asked for hard scientific proof, he LOLed. Hard.

"You clearly don't understand the concept of religion."