Why Charles Darwin is Satan (not just a theory!)

A guest post by Cardinal Johan Eksteen

My dear Brothers and Sisters in Our Lord Jesus Christ, I think it’s about time we had a serious talk. Recently, it has come to my attention that a dangerous book is circulating our society. A book filled with lies and drivel. A book that has brainless monkeys on a slow journey to become fully intelligent beings in it. Yes, I think we all know what book we’re talking about.

No, not the 2014 Guide to Ministerial Cabinet Members in South Africa.

I’m talking about Charles “The Insane Doctor” Darwin’s On the Origin of the Species.

The scientific community wants you to believe this piece of Satan’s handiwork. Schools want to teach it to our innocent children. God-hating atheists want you to think it’s holy writ. But I’ve read it. And I think it’s time we debunked this heap of putrid half-truths for what it is.

• It’s just a theory

  First of all, it’s just a theory. That’s why it’s called the “Theory” of evolution. Words don’t lie. A theory is a theory, no matter how you or a generation of white-coated buffoons want to define it. And while most scientists - apparently 97% of them – believe that it is an irrefutable account for the man’s roots and history, remember that we’re talking about a community in which that same 97% of followers believe in so-called “climate change”. And this last fact brings us neatly to our next damning point.

• The community is a bunch of godless fibbers

  All science is a is a school of thought. It’s a collection of beliefs about what the world is. That’s all. So when you choose to blindly follow science, you’re choosing to simply follow an age-old system of ultra-strict rules and doctrines. Worse yet, they don’t even have faith. How can you have faith that what you believe is the Truth? Because of test tubes and experiments?

  To this, I ask: “which is more stunning proof: a series of methodical and repeatable observations by fallible men (thankfully, not many woman are leaders in the community; that much we have in common at least), or the awe-inspiring, breath-taking miracles of God? The titration of two substances X and Y to give precipitate Z, or the Ten Deadly Plagues that Our Merciful and Heavenly Father visited on the Egyptians, as factually documented in all historical accounts since the Roman era? The choice is obvious.

• It’s just an old book

  The book they all read and believe is old. How old? Who knows. Maybe even as much as a hundred years old. Maybe even older. Things were different back then. But times have changed. Are you going to believe an outmoded, obsolete book, or the holy, timeless decree of God Our Saviour as written , translated, retranslated, adapted, revised, and reviewed by a series of unknown authors?

• Just look at Charles Darwin. Look at him.
  
  
  

  He’s an old, white bearded guy, delivering his rules and laws from some faraway land – rules which were first fomented many hundreds of years ago. Are you going to believe a bunch of commands and ‘facts’ just because a benevolent Grandfather figure handed them down over generations to us?

• It’s homophobic

  Evolution, as it currently stands, hates the gay community. If two gay men want to pass both of their genetic material onto a child, bigoted science tells them it’s impossible because of ‘primary sexual characteristics’ and ‘the intricacies of sexual reproduction’ and ‘same-sex human sexual reproductive incompatibility in evolutionary theory’. We don’t do that. Well, not any more. Gays wanna hook up? Fine by us. Gays want to have children? Go ahead! In our loving, accepting community – especially now that we’ve apologised for at least some of our heinous so-called ‘crimes’ that we committed centuries ago – gays can do what they want. Except, you know, get married.

• You can’t even see evolution!

  If evolution really exists – if its timeless and eons-long process is really there, guiding Mankind and all other species down its course – why can’t we see it? Why isn’t it active today, performing wondrous acts of Evolution on a daily basis? Why hasn’t evolution of anything been visible since the book was written? It’s damning evidence – almost as damning as the question “why are there still monkeys around today if we’re all supposed to evolve?”

• It’s repressive

  What is Evolution, after you strip away all the colourful promises and flattering pretences? I’ll tell you: it’s just a bunch of laws and texts that tell us what to think and what to feel and what to believe. If you don’t believe them and their ‘ineffable scientific method’, they shun you, belittle your beliefs, and oversimplify the basic tenets of you arguments to make you look like a moron or someone who simply can’t understand the simplest facts about the world. Would the church ever do such a thing?

• As an Origin story, it’s total nonsense

  Have you read this garbage? “We come from monkeys?” “Over millions of years we slowly became modern humans?” Who would believe such fruit-of-the-tree-of-knowledge-less, talking-snake-less drivel? Who could even hold for just a moment the preposterous idea that the world is older than 6000 years? Who could ever doubt for even a second that everything – from ferns and grapes to whales, modern man and the mighty rhinoceros – was made in just seven days? Hell-bound tricksters and rascals, that’s who.

Well, folks, I hope you can now see why this baseless book of buffoonery is something we should all be wary of. Join me next week, when I disprove The Big Bang Theory and the entirely of Quantum Physics (quarks and gluons! What absolute rot!)

Until then, remember to eat the symbolic flesh of a long-dead human man who killed himself to make himself forgive all sins past, present and future that came about because two people he made (one from the rib of the other, or not, depending on which part of the Bible you read) in a debatable order of species creation ate an apple that gave them the knowledge of understanding why eating the apple was such a big No-No in the first place.

Pics: Public Domain.

"It was my pleasure" - God to exam candidates

Following the end of another period of university exams and yet another conferral of bachelor's degrees to students, God, our Almighty and Heavenly Father, the Creator and Saviour, took time out of his busy schedule today to receive thanks and praise for letting so many students pass their exams and finally obtain their university qualifications.

"I'm glad they all remembered to thank me. You know, there are many naysayers who doubt me, who say that I never answer prayers and that I leave the world in a ceaseless cycle of misery and suffering while turning naught but a blind eye to the unending horror many hundreds face on a daily basis," said the 6000-year old Best-selling author in a press conference held in front of a burning bush earlier today, "but I think that all these Facebook statuses are proof enough that I'm here and that I do actually do stuff to help when it matters most. I really help out with the more important things in life."

Experts and university professors have since come forward to confirm the Divine Father's majesty and exam-beating power.

"As we all know, the makeup of a University course and the fact that it's broken down into three or four years to spread out the central concepts of the various fields of expertise into a structured and thematic development of knowledge was specifically crafted to be unbeatable without divine intervention," said the Vice Chancellor of the University of Cape Town, Prax Marice. "Even our exams are physically impossible to pass. The questions are literally unanswerable, and even if they were, we employ teams of blind monkeys (which we didn't evolve from) to scribble on the answer sheets and make them illegible and unmarkable."

That so many students passed, say professors and course coordinators, is testament to the unknowable and incomparable magnitude of the Holy Trinity's awesome potency.

"I spend hours a week preparing lectures filled with lies and red herrings that are aimed at misleading our students," said Journalism and Media Studies lecturer Cato Stropteros. "Then, to make matters worse, I routinely set tests, quizzes, essays and semesterly evaluations to ensure that each term's horrendous disfigurement of the truth is being fully absorbed. On top of this, each semester has an extensive collection of hundred-page-long Manifestos filled with falsehoods and slander that are branded ‘required reading’. I don't know how God undoes all my hours of hard work, but it gets me every year."

He added that many students had received God's blessings despite having spent hours in the Temple of Lies, known by many Satanists as "The 24-hour Section" or "The Library".

"Some students passed even though they spent sometimes whole nights in these Bible-denying hate-houses," said Stropteros. "Hell, half of them even preferred a diet of caffeine and energy drinks over holy water, wafers and unleaven bread. It just shows you the extent of God's generosity."

And despite mounting criticism that God had done nothing to prevent war and death in Syria, Ebola, or the abhorrent and not-yet-fully-declassified report into the State-sanctioned human rights violations and atrocious allegations of torture and murder by the CIA, and that even Satanists, atheists, Muslims, and Jews had also passed their exams, many have remained thankful, with Universities across the world introducing sweeping changes to their fundamental structure.

"Clearly, the entire concept of a University is utterly pointless and meaningless, so we're just going to change the university year to be just a two-week period of exams," said Marice. "This way, no one will have to sacrifice thousands of rands and hundreds of hours all in the name of becoming unemployed and overqualified."

At the time of going to press, a thousand other deities had not responded to requests for commentary, leading us to assume that they obviously don't exist.

Pic: wikimedia commons, public domain.