Men willing to overlook most women’s flaws, finds dating study

The common perception that men are judgemental partners was shattered today, after a ground-breaking new study found that the majority of men were “more than willing to overlook most of their potential mate’s flaws and faults”.

The study, which has examined thousands of cases across the globe, found that nearly 95% of men would “definitely not care if she had some kind of a personality flaw”.

“Racism, bigotry, a hugely irritating laugh, an unpredictable temper, contempt for everything you do and say – these are just some of the thousands of things that men are willing to turn a blind eye towards,” said the head of the research and development team. “In fact, often their only criteria is that the chick be stunningly beautiful with a great rack and amazing body. Turns out, men aren’t as picky as we think.”

And the data confirms this hypothesis.

“The media paints men as these judgemental, shallow, ultra-choosy dudes who want the perfect woman,” said data analyst Fin de Pattens. “But really, the statistics show that they’re really accepting and tolerant.”

“Take this case study, Mike, for example. Most people would say that his lingerie model cross-fit obsessed girlfriend is a Super-bitch who despises everyone and everything around her; most people would say ‘yeah, Jessica is gorgeous, but she hates Muslims, thinks homosexuality should be a crime, and believes that homeless people should be rounded up in camps and shot’ – but not Mike. He accepts her flaws as a part of who she is: a size-zero, flat-stomached, double-D’ed human being.”

Scientific research now shows that men will accept women like
Jessica (above) despite their numerous personal faults.

Her testimony backs this up.

“When I first met Mike, I was terrified that my bigoted opinions, my contempt for his dress sense and taste in music, and my obvious spite for his family and friends would chase him off,” she said in an interview earlier this year. “But not Mikey. He took one single look at me and accepted me for who I was - perfect ass, platinum-blonde hair and all.”

The study has since been confirmed by similar research – meaning that men could be even more accepting and non-judgmental than we think.

“There have been hundreds of case studies where the men – who, for some godless, incomprehensible reason – are dating women who are not physically attractive, have terrible personalities and are also prejudiced, unlikeable cretins,” explained De Pattens. “This new data suggests that men own Christ-like quantities of acceptance.”

“Megan isn’t that great,” said one case study. “She’s short, overweight and is a staunch anti-vaxxer and geocentrist, but hey... the sex is pretty good, so what can I say?”

Nkandla is totally justified and necessary

Police Minister finds that Zuma does not have to pay back any money for the “security upgrades” to his luxury hotel in KwaZulu Natal Province. What do we make of these s-Nkdandla-lous developments? Well, Guest Writer Johan Van Eksteen knows: that they’re totally justified and necessary, and that they don’t even begin to scratch the surface of the upgrades Zuma still needs.

Pic: John A Forbes from http://www.panoramio.com/photo/84617082
(Attribution; Share-alike license)

My friends, we’ve all heard the news. We’re enraged. We’re furious. How could the Minister of Police – after everything, after the Public Protector’s report, after Parliamentary ruckuses and fights, after all the hundreds of newspaper articles – possibly say that Zuma doesn’t have to pay back anything of the near half a billion rand he spent on his private residence?

Well, the answer is simple: he’s right.

The (correctly arguing) Minister rightfully states that Zuma needs a security amphitheatre – for dignitaries to meet him, and as a security meeting point. If, by chance, the amphitheatre is used for parties or theatrical productions of musical performances, does this at all diminish the security aspect of this addition? If you built a fortress, and then everyone used it for Kurt Darren concerts, would that make it any less of a fortress? No.

The same goes for the installed Security chicken coops and Security cattle kraals. Having been nudged semi-violently by a cow once, I personally know how important it is to keep a barrier between poor defenceless humans – at the whim of these ultimately superior bovine predators, since all we have are better brains, opposable thumbs, critical reasoning and access to tools – and the deadly, bloodthirsty species of cattle and poultry. Those peckers can be blerrie dangerous.

And then we have the security firepool. In this technologically unadvanced day and age, where we don’t have dedicated firefighting services and where we understand nothing about the Dark and Mysterious Hidden Magicks of Fire, how could Zuma possibly defend himself against an out-of-control braai fire? In fact, scientists say that the only reason we add chlorine to our swimming pools is because it’s an excellent flame retardant. Skeptical? Well, I ask you, have you ever seen water that is burning? Of course you haven’t. You’re not Adele.

Friends, all of these upgrades in the Pesky Protectorate’s report are absolutely vital. And what’s more, they are just the first in many upgrades Zuma not only needs, but deserves.

All these additions have been carefully thought out, all aimed at letting Jacob Zuma live in peace, prosperity and, most importantly, safety with his small family of, like, only 100 people. After all, doesn’t the most hated president of our time need this extra protection?

Think about all that he’s done in the past couple of years, and it makes total sense. When it comes to protecting the life and safety of someone as globally reviled as Zuma, who can really say that any safety precaution is an unnecessary extravagance?

I mean, I talk about racism and sexism and misogyny and other non-existent topics once or twice, and I get death threats. Can you imagine what the father of South Africa 2015 must get? Can you imagine how many threats and embittered hate you must rack up if you, oh, I don’t know, keep Angie Motshegka as Minister of Basic Education, or have Blade “#StudentsMustFall” Nzimande as Minister for Tertiary Education? Can you imagine the scorn and contempt that must be heaped on you if you were to go into Parliament and laugh, out loud, at an entire country when they say you’re being a greedy fuck?

No, friends – he needs all of these upgrades, and more. For his own good.

That’s why the rooms are equipped with Security Dolby 3.0 Sound Systems from Sennheiser: to ensure that security warnings can be broadcast around the various mansions, in full surround sound so that no one will underestimate the urgency of the emergency. Of course, without the necessary backup security ultra-HD 4x-resolution Samsung 108-inch TVs in every room, this measure is just not useful or adequate.

Then there’s the Security Pub and grill. This secure location comes equipped with security-expert-formulated liquids all scientifically tested to ensure the security of our president and his families, including but not limited to Security Johnny Walker Blue, DEFCON 1 Glenfiddich, and, of course, NATIONAL EMERGENCY Moët & Chandon Bi Centenary Cuvée Dry Imperial 1943. Add this to an adjoining security kitchen, with food rated five stars in both taste and security, and you can see how this isn’t about a mad agenda of self-serving greed, nor is it an abuse of an uncontrolled system of rampant spending.

And in extreme cases, Zuma and his extended entourage will need a fleet of security vehicles – and these will need to be fast to get away from potential threats. A Security Maserati, perhaps, or a Security Bugatti Veyron, so that they can escape danger to their Security G9 Private Jet.

And finally, in case that the whole country realises his true nature and goes to hell, Zuma will need a safe and secure location to lay low while the danger blows over: a Security Safemansion, on a Security Private Island in the Security Bahamas.

You know, just as long as it's as far as possible from the President's Office of The Republic of South Africa.

Johan is a guest columnist at Muse and Abuse. Widely renowned for his non-nonsense approach to controversial topics, Johan shines a blinding light of truth on subjects like the hideous scourge of immigration, why white people should vote ANC, why Blackface isn't the real racist problem in SA, and how Black Privilege is an ugly truth that no one wants to admit. He also thinks gay marriage should have been outlawed years ago.

Pic of Kraal: Creative-commons licence from GovernmentZA, Flickr (GCIS).
Pic of Zuma from Official SA Govt Website.

Alumnus pleased to see uni debate “still as divisive, toxic as ever”

“Some things never change,” says 25-year-old with a smile as she scans the university’s Facebook page

Rhodes University alumni are pleased today, after a brief perusal of the university’s Facebook page confirmed it still contained all the vitriol, ad hominem comments and logical fallacies that hundreds of ex-Rhodents grew so accustomed to in their time at Rhodes.

According to 25-year-old Financial Analyst Jeanine Dee – just one of hundreds of students who attended Rhodes University and is glad to see the continuation of such a beloved ritual – it’s like she never left.

“I’m glad that not much has changed,” she said. “I mean, when you look at the majority of the posts, there are still a lot of people and many students who use weasel wording, among many other rhetorical fallacies.”

“And it’s not just that: I see spelling mistakes, ALL-CAPS arguments, a lack of critical thinking that fails to take into account the nuances of these complex debates, and even people just outright saying ‘oh, you’re clearly irrational and stupid, there’s no point in arguing with you’,” she said. “I’m just glad to see that a university education is still producing such excellent and thought-provoking discourse.”

And it doesn’t end there.

“There’s also that lack of a sense of humour that was so frequent in our flame-wars,” she said. “I remember when I was second year and I said ‘guys, just chill’ and then posted a meme making fun of the whole silly furore. Now, just like back then, I see people still tell these calm heads to ‘GTFO’ and explain in great detail why their attitude and comment is ‘so problematic’. I’m just glad that there’s still that good old vituperative mud-slinging that made me unsubscribe from the page all those years ago.”

However, some alumni say that it’s “so much more than it was in our time” and that this new wave of debate has “taken things to a new level”.

“Back in my day, I was never told by someone making a controversial assertion that ‘it’s not their job to educate you’, or even that I ‘should go do my bloody reading’ without providing a link or idea what these readings may be,” said 27-year-old MSocSci graduate Erin Jackson. “I don’t know why we didn’t see it before; it makes total sense. After all, they’re the ones making the argument. Why should the burden of proof be on them?”

Despite this heaped praise, the current student body has discounted the alumni’s response, saying that it’s “invalid”.

“We’re not saying that current membership to an in-group is an obligatory prerequisite to taking part in such controversial topics that affect not just our university or even our whole nation, but many many, many universities and nations across the globe...” said SRC Social Media Councillor Ray Sandgenda.

“... but seriously, do you even go here?”

Why Charles Darwin is Satan (not just a theory!)

A guest post by Cardinal Johan Eksteen

My dear Brothers and Sisters in Our Lord Jesus Christ, I think it’s about time we had a serious talk. Recently, it has come to my attention that a dangerous book is circulating our society. A book filled with lies and drivel. A book that has brainless monkeys on a slow journey to become fully intelligent beings in it. Yes, I think we all know what book we’re talking about.

No, not the 2014 Guide to Ministerial Cabinet Members in South Africa.

I’m talking about Charles “The Insane Doctor” Darwin’s On the Origin of the Species.

The scientific community wants you to believe this piece of Satan’s handiwork. Schools want to teach it to our innocent children. God-hating atheists want you to think it’s holy writ. But I’ve read it. And I think it’s time we debunked this heap of putrid half-truths for what it is.

• It’s just a theory

  First of all, it’s just a theory. That’s why it’s called the “Theory” of evolution. Words don’t lie. A theory is a theory, no matter how you or a generation of white-coated buffoons want to define it. And while most scientists - apparently 97% of them – believe that it is an irrefutable account for the man’s roots and history, remember that we’re talking about a community in which that same 97% of followers believe in so-called “climate change”. And this last fact brings us neatly to our next damning point.

• The community is a bunch of godless fibbers

  All science is a is a school of thought. It’s a collection of beliefs about what the world is. That’s all. So when you choose to blindly follow science, you’re choosing to simply follow an age-old system of ultra-strict rules and doctrines. Worse yet, they don’t even have faith. How can you have faith that what you believe is the Truth? Because of test tubes and experiments?

  To this, I ask: “which is more stunning proof: a series of methodical and repeatable observations by fallible men (thankfully, not many woman are leaders in the community; that much we have in common at least), or the awe-inspiring, breath-taking miracles of God? The titration of two substances X and Y to give precipitate Z, or the Ten Deadly Plagues that Our Merciful and Heavenly Father visited on the Egyptians, as factually documented in all historical accounts since the Roman era? The choice is obvious.

• It’s just an old book

  The book they all read and believe is old. How old? Who knows. Maybe even as much as a hundred years old. Maybe even older. Things were different back then. But times have changed. Are you going to believe an outmoded, obsolete book, or the holy, timeless decree of God Our Saviour as written , translated, retranslated, adapted, revised, and reviewed by a series of unknown authors?

• Just look at Charles Darwin. Look at him.
  
  
  

  He’s an old, white bearded guy, delivering his rules and laws from some faraway land – rules which were first fomented many hundreds of years ago. Are you going to believe a bunch of commands and ‘facts’ just because a benevolent Grandfather figure handed them down over generations to us?

• It’s homophobic

  Evolution, as it currently stands, hates the gay community. If two gay men want to pass both of their genetic material onto a child, bigoted science tells them it’s impossible because of ‘primary sexual characteristics’ and ‘the intricacies of sexual reproduction’ and ‘same-sex human sexual reproductive incompatibility in evolutionary theory’. We don’t do that. Well, not any more. Gays wanna hook up? Fine by us. Gays want to have children? Go ahead! In our loving, accepting community – especially now that we’ve apologised for at least some of our heinous so-called ‘crimes’ that we committed centuries ago – gays can do what they want. Except, you know, get married.

• You can’t even see evolution!

  If evolution really exists – if its timeless and eons-long process is really there, guiding Mankind and all other species down its course – why can’t we see it? Why isn’t it active today, performing wondrous acts of Evolution on a daily basis? Why hasn’t evolution of anything been visible since the book was written? It’s damning evidence – almost as damning as the question “why are there still monkeys around today if we’re all supposed to evolve?”

• It’s repressive

  What is Evolution, after you strip away all the colourful promises and flattering pretences? I’ll tell you: it’s just a bunch of laws and texts that tell us what to think and what to feel and what to believe. If you don’t believe them and their ‘ineffable scientific method’, they shun you, belittle your beliefs, and oversimplify the basic tenets of you arguments to make you look like a moron or someone who simply can’t understand the simplest facts about the world. Would the church ever do such a thing?

• As an Origin story, it’s total nonsense

  Have you read this garbage? “We come from monkeys?” “Over millions of years we slowly became modern humans?” Who would believe such fruit-of-the-tree-of-knowledge-less, talking-snake-less drivel? Who could even hold for just a moment the preposterous idea that the world is older than 6000 years? Who could ever doubt for even a second that everything – from ferns and grapes to whales, modern man and the mighty rhinoceros – was made in just seven days? Hell-bound tricksters and rascals, that’s who.

Well, folks, I hope you can now see why this baseless book of buffoonery is something we should all be wary of. Join me next week, when I disprove The Big Bang Theory and the entirely of Quantum Physics (quarks and gluons! What absolute rot!)

Until then, remember to eat the symbolic flesh of a long-dead human man who killed himself to make himself forgive all sins past, present and future that came about because two people he made (one from the rib of the other, or not, depending on which part of the Bible you read) in a debatable order of species creation ate an apple that gave them the knowledge of understanding why eating the apple was such a big No-No in the first place.

Pics: Public Domain.

The top ten most drop-dead sexy dictators of all time

Let’s face it: when it comes to making the world stop in its tracks, there are just some men whose badboy, counterculture devilish charm, wit and looks make us weak at the knees more than other men could even dream! Now, thanks to the tried, tested, flawless and sciencetifically perfect method of online personality quizzes, we have the top ten, drop-dead dictators. Let the countdown begin!

1. Kim Jong-Il

   

   That sultry stare, that manly chin… North Korean Heartthrob and Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Il is so hot it’s a crime against humanity. While not the highest scoring contender, his creativity and charm are more than a match for most men – even if those who try to compete are imprisoned and forced into labour camps. A country worships him, and merely his presence makes millions hungry for a bite; and we can see why.

   
   
   

2. Bashar al-Assad

   

   A bit of a Jealous John, but that is what defines him! Look at his worldwide celebrity: he ardently defends his political views, finds innovative ways to interrogate criminals, is to people what Buzzfeed is to online content, and has his very own secret police force that can watch you at all moments of the day. Whether, you’re surfing the web or writing a blog, you’ll always know this guardian angel is looking over your shoulder.

   
   
   

3. Idi Amin Dada

   

   Even though this iconic badboy military ruler was the Ugandan president for only eight years, thousands still remember Idi Amin Dada’s ineffable wit and charm. His intelligence makes him a definite keeper – but he takes eighth in our list because of his jealous tendencies. You can try tame this black panther is you want, but just be careful: nearly half a million people can tell you that kitty has claws.

   
   
   

4. Gaddafi

   

   "Public Enemy No. 1”? “The Mad Dog of the Middle East"? We don’t know about that, but he has us foaming at the mouth. Woof, woof, arrooo! Who let the dogs out? Libyan style-king and supreme ruler (of fashion!) Muammar Muhammad Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi scores a solid seventh.

   
   
   

5. Allatoyah Ali Kha

   

   That beard! Just look at it! What is more rugged, more undeniably sexy, than a man in a beard? Nothing – except a man who takes charge and isn’t afraid to face societal wrath for his beliefs. For just ten minutes in a dark room with this sagely love master, we’d also ban music or denounce homosexuality as a Western disease!

   
   
   

6. Ho Chi Minh

   

   He’s courageous, tenacious, loving, and not scared to take what is rightfully his. Most people wouldn’t execute thousands and thousands of people over a Land Reform program, but badboy Hot Cheeks Minh just doesn’t play by the rules. Even at five, he's a keeper.

   
   
   

7. Omar al-Bashir

   

   This Sudanese President ended a civil war and was thought to be a noble and fair man – perhaps he can help bring peace to all the ladies who must be at each other’s throats for a little piece of action with the Bash Master? What is it about Masterminds of ethic cleansing and mass genocide that just make us feel so naughty? It’s that guilty feeling you get doing something you know you shouldn’t!

   
   
   

8. Josef Stalin

   

   Leader of a people, progressive thinker, revolutionary icon and total master of photoshop (who is Lenin anyway?), this Ruskie Hunk will make you want to overthrow the bourgeoisie and Great Purge your heart of every other man you’ve ever had eyes for and throw them in Gulag where all the inferior male specimens are kept.

   
   
   

9. Adolf Hilter

   

   You knew this one had to be here somewhere. Adolf Hitler (or should that be “Adonis Hit-me-baby-one-more-time-ler”?) is to breath-taking tyrants what black culture was to Miley Cyrus and what shitty adverts were to Andy Warhol: the source, the muse, the OG Mac Daddy. Effective, passionately committed, bold in the face of his critics, and great with animals, Adorable Hitl-ey is a keeper, whether he is painting you watercolours of Vienna’s picturesque sights, holding your hand, or helping you kill yourself so that you can be together forever outside of a hateful society that doesn’t understand or accept your illicit love.

   

   *Unfortunately he doesn’t take Number One because of a lot of controversy surrounding his past - especially his stint with Amphetamines during that dark, dark spring of 1942. Some things we just aren’t comfortable with

   
   
   The one you’ve all been waiting for! Here it is ladies!
   

10. Mao Zedong

    

    The Republic of China will never forget him – and neither will you. Look at that soft, adorable face! Look at his thirst for power! This buxom badass is not afraid to speak his mind – whether its defending his views against parents who think he shouldn’t follow his dreams or indiscriminately sentencing millions to death, Zedong wins us hook, line and sinker. oh, and what about “Zedong”, you ask? Well, let’s just say it’s Mao-ssive.

    
    
    

    All Pics: wikimedia commons. Ratings from wwwfollowland.com. Picture of Hitler from Bundesarchiv, Bild 183-S33882 / CC-BY-SA. Picture of Mao Zedong from Richard Fisher

Bunch of guys protest misandry, "Feminazi agenda"

Today was a marvellous day for anti-feminazi, anti-misandry victims of the endless campaign of hate and intolerance of men perpetrated by women in an oppressive societal matriarchy, said Men’s Rights Activism Group Bros Against Hoes (BAH), after a bunch of guys launched a series of debates discussing their marginalisation in the workplace, rugby field and in society in general.

The debate was launched to counter the “sick lies of the growing liberal Feminazi agenda”, which seeks to destabilise societal harmony and parity by introducing backward and retrogressive legislation ensuring aberrations like “equal pay” and “the right to choose”. According to BAH, this oppressive influence on global media has too long held the reins of the gender debate.

“Just last week they had a massive march and discussion session, with several of their most highly ranking chicks (maybe like a seven out of ten, maybe a high six at least) coming out of the kitchen long enough to jabber on about ‘women are mistreated this’ and ‘women are underpaid that’. What about men, huh?” said BAH head of operations Andrew Genous. “What about our daily suffering?”

According to Genous, no sandwiches were made at the march or discussion seminars.

“We believe that our own debate series has come to the fore just in time,” he said. “Men across the world suffer brutal oppression, and it’s about time we let the limelight expose the true difficulties of being born with a Y chromosome.”

The marches and debate series are poised at a crucial moment in our history, after reports that singer and producer J-Z was allegedly beaten by Solange Knowles (think Beyonce but not famous). "We need to act now," he said. "Every year dozens of men are beaten by their wives, and yet the world and its harps on about the meagre few women who are assaulted by their husbands and boyfriends."

Genous says that the research into the plight of modern men is damning.

“On average, men are forced to earn 17% more than women, even if they don’t want to, and they are subjected to obligatory easy upward mobility in the workplace, being thrust into positions that they might not necessarily want just because of their gender,” he said. “This snatches men away from their beloved smaller jobs and forces them into so-called ‘prestigious’ corporate positions, often with requisite ‘benefits’ like ‘free dental’ and ‘a company car’. These are just sick euphemisms employed by an uncaring, men-hating corporate world trying to hide their gross injustices. Also, no matter what they wear, men very rarely if ever solicit unwanted sexual advances, and if we do choose to have multiple sexual partners, we are branded with demeaning and insulting labels like ‘stud’ and ‘the man.’ It’s disgusting.”

Genous also added that often the discrimination costs men their jobs and livelihoods.

“Every year, dozens of men are discriminated against unfairly in the workplace – men whose only crime is being able to tell really funny jokes or acting slightly overzealous in their appreciation of the women’s junk. In addition to this, if woman goes into a public place such as a school wearing high-heels, make-up and a tight fitting red dress it’s okay, but if a man does it its ‘perverse’ and ‘a sexual offence’.”

Pro-feminist activists have yet to respond to the allegations, merely stating, “Seriously? I mean, seriously?”

Man leaves insightful comment on News24, apologises, crashes internet

pic: atom.smasher.org

A man left almost 4 billion people without an internet connection after he left an insightful, non-racist, non-sexist, non-inflammatory post on the News24 comments section.

The post, which was based on real, peer-reviewed, well-published and trusted studies and called for a move away from fragmentary knee-jerk hateful responses to the articles, was left at about 4:14pm yesterday, said Internet Specialist and Network Analyst Maus Kliken.

"As soon as he clicked 'Enter' and posted the comment, the Internet went under incredible strain, trying to figure out why there was someone constructive and non-racist on this particular page," said Kliken.

According to Kliken, roughly 14 racist and hateful replies later, the man posted an apology.

"Never, in the history of the internet, has anyone publicly apologised and accepted fault on their own part for their posts," said Kliken."The Internet just didn't know what to do. Hell, it didn't even have an error message for this kind of problem."

This is not the first time the internet has been brought to its knees by an internet user, and once again, the Rhodes Student Representative Council is finding itself having to prepare real-life replacements of social media sites in order to prevent riots and violence.

Social Psychologists and Online Persona Theorists are baffled as to why the man would do such a thing.

"The Internet is a battlefield that eats considerate, kind people up  for breakfast," said Social Psychologist Dr Qwak Sharlottan. "Why anyone would go on the internet and willingly destroy one of its key pillars is just bizarre. We can only assume that the man is an uttter Internet Sociopath. He probably doesn't even LOL, and doesn't find Bacon or pictures of kittens in little bibs all that appealing. The sick fuck."

However, some specialists have other theories.

"We think we know who the man is, after sifting through the debris of the internet, and we checked out his online presence. According to his facebook and twitter profiles, he only has 8 friends and started serious online activity last week. He just didn't know what he was doing," said Internet behaviourist John Angers. "How was he supposed to know online comments etiquette without the necessary lived experience?" 

Artist's rendition of a typical day on the internet.
Pic: Flickr, Matisse_Enzer

 

Angers went on to suggest that some sort of sandbox unconnected internet should be created to prevent these kinds of issues.

"We need people a space to practice small-minded bigotry without endangering other 'net users," he said.

Meanwhile, Internet specialists have called on a huge global network of trolls to restore the Internet to its former balance.

"Right now, a highly-trained team of crack keyboard professionals are calling each other 'mindless fucktards' and 'dum niggars ruining ths gr8 county'," said Lieutenant John Web of the Internet Restoration Committee. "The internet should be back to normal within days."