Men willing to overlook most women’s flaws, finds dating study

The common perception that men are judgemental partners was shattered today, after a ground-breaking new study found that the majority of men were “more than willing to overlook most of their potential mate’s flaws and faults”.

The study, which has examined thousands of cases across the globe, found that nearly 95% of men would “definitely not care if she had some kind of a personality flaw”.

“Racism, bigotry, a hugely irritating laugh, an unpredictable temper, contempt for everything you do and say – these are just some of the thousands of things that men are willing to turn a blind eye towards,” said the head of the research and development team. “In fact, often their only criteria is that the chick be stunningly beautiful with a great rack and amazing body. Turns out, men aren’t as picky as we think.”

And the data confirms this hypothesis.

“The media paints men as these judgemental, shallow, ultra-choosy dudes who want the perfect woman,” said data analyst Fin de Pattens. “But really, the statistics show that they’re really accepting and tolerant.”

“Take this case study, Mike, for example. Most people would say that his lingerie model cross-fit obsessed girlfriend is a Super-bitch who despises everyone and everything around her; most people would say ‘yeah, Jessica is gorgeous, but she hates Muslims, thinks homosexuality should be a crime, and believes that homeless people should be rounded up in camps and shot’ – but not Mike. He accepts her flaws as a part of who she is: a size-zero, flat-stomached, double-D’ed human being.”

Scientific research now shows that men will accept women like
Jessica (above) despite their numerous personal faults.

Her testimony backs this up.

“When I first met Mike, I was terrified that my bigoted opinions, my contempt for his dress sense and taste in music, and my obvious spite for his family and friends would chase him off,” she said in an interview earlier this year. “But not Mikey. He took one single look at me and accepted me for who I was - perfect ass, platinum-blonde hair and all.”

The study has since been confirmed by similar research – meaning that men could be even more accepting and non-judgmental than we think.

“There have been hundreds of case studies where the men – who, for some godless, incomprehensible reason – are dating women who are not physically attractive, have terrible personalities and are also prejudiced, unlikeable cretins,” explained De Pattens. “This new data suggests that men own Christ-like quantities of acceptance.”

“Megan isn’t that great,” said one case study. “She’s short, overweight and is a staunch anti-vaxxer and geocentrist, but hey... the sex is pretty good, so what can I say?”

Feminist agenda’s ugly truth finally exposed

“We want men to die,” admit feminists
“Holy shit, we were right?!?!” exclaim Men’s Rights Activists

The horrifying truth is out: feminists want men to go extinct. These were the exact words spoken by Leader of all the feminists everywhere, Anita Hooks.

”We’ve gotten away with so much,” she admitted in a terrifying one-on-one interview with Muse and Abuse, “and that’s because we hid so cleverly.”

Hooks outlined how feminists kept up a decades-long clever and carefully-constructed façade of equality shrouded in the false search for equal rights and pay, while paying false and disingenuous lip service to ‘seeking legislation that respects women and gives them power and control over their lives and bodies’ – and all to cover up a dark plot to enact global genocide against men.

”We were so devious, so cunning,” she admitted. “It was bold and crafty how we pretended to give a shit about the education, health, dignity and civil rights of women across the world, just to veil our secret desire to drive a wooden stake deep into the heart of men the world over. By saying, ‘listen, we’re not unreasonable demons – we just want to be treated like we’re not sex-craving, brainless sandwich-making dogs you can stick your dick in whenever you want’ we hid our evil in plain sight for years. And we would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those pesky MRAs.”

The official feminist manifesto, which is being seen for the first time by eyes outside the secret underground society of man-hating, Woolf-reading, placard-making feminazis, has also finally been unearthed. On it are many hundreds of very terrifying goals, including “Castrate and behead all men, making sure to abort all male foetuses”, “make Tumblr the only website on the internet”, “kill jokes and comedy forever with overly sensitive Politically Correct controls and trigger warnings”, “Finally establish the All-Female 1000-year Fourth Reich” and, perhaps most terrifying of all, “remove guns and bikinis and boobs from videogames”.

Meanwhile, Men’s Rights Activists across the world have reacted with surprise and glee.

“I knew it!” said renowned MRA writer and admin of www.reversesexism.net, Staü Mannings, tipping his fedora and scratching his neckbeard with Doritos-stained index-finger. “I’ve been saying this for years. I mean, for a while there even I thought what we were saying and doing was merely spreading misogynistic and hateful slurs, verbal attacks, a constant stream of abuse and countless death threats, but I’m glad to see that was true, justified and significant discourse all along.”

Court finds MRA misogynist “deserved” to be assaulted, murdered

Justice has been served today, after the South African Supreme Court acquitted and released a man wrongfully charged with murder, saying that the victim’s dress sense, irresponsibility and consumption of alcoholic beverages proved that he was “asking for it”.

28-year-old Eric Manson was cleared of all charges of murdering well-known men's rights blogger and Men's Rights Activist, Andrew Hamaray, after courts looking into some of Andrew's compelling posts on the internet found that "it only makes sense, really".

”Some might consider this a sickening, heinous crime, and our judgement a gross usurpation and betrayal of the very idea of justice,” said Supreme Justice Victor Ree, “but we have to ask ourselves very important questions, like ‘what was he wearing at the time?’ and ‘why was he in a dangerous area alone at night?’ and even ‘how much did he drink before being stabbed multiple times in the chest and neck?’”.

Judges examined what was soon revealed to be very damning evidence.

“First of all, he was wearing an expensive, Italian leather jacket,” said Ree, counting the condemning proofs off with his fingers. “He was flashing around his wallet and talking openly on his phone in a risky part of town, and he had drunk a lot of alcohol before the incident. This leaves one conclusion: that he was asking to be robbed and butchered. That it was his fault.”

This judgement is supported strongly by police testimony.

“He waited almost three hours to report the crime,” said the sergeant on duty who took the initial statement. “Why? And don’t give me that ‘he was bleeding to death in a hospital’ bullshit. If this crime was so serious he would have reported it immediately, ICU life-suppport or not.”

Lawyers representing the wrongfully accused agreed, asking why the alleged victim waited so long to come forward to be slandered and discredited by their legal team.

“If they had really had a case based on facts and truth, they would have come forward to be belittled and attacked by us and rabid social media users much, much earlier than they did.”

So strong has the initial evidence been that police have not even needed to consult forensic evidence.

“The fingerprints we took from the scene and blood samples are sitting in their kit on a dusty shelf in the evidence room,” said the sergeant. “It’s clear that we don’t need any more evidence. Real men don't get robbed.”

Social media has also voiced its opinion, emphasising its agreement with the judge’s findings.

“He was an affluent manwhore prick," said one of many thousands of comments that weren't made under anonymity. "All these Men’s Rights Activists make me sick, saying men should be allowed to wear what they want and drink what they want. They should just STFU and go back to the garage repairing cars where they belong."

Family of the man have fully supported the court’s decision, saying, "we stand by Drew's words."

“Drew was always very vocal about the issues he cared about on social media, and never failed to air these exact same opinions on his twitter page,” they said. “We accept the court’s findings. Really, when you look at it closely, it’s what Dan would have wanted.”

Feminism "could be answer" to warring cultures, peoples - UN

Drawing on countless examples of religious intolerance, cultural misunderstandings and racial discrimination between countries, governments, and peoples across the world, scientists in a United Nations press conference this morning now say that feminism could be the answer to a more united world of people in solidarity.

“When you think about how many, many countries act – regardless of the majority demographic, be it colour, creed, race or religion,” said one scientist on the panel, “then certainly introducing feminism in all these countries will bring men everywhere together.”

Likening feminsism to “like, a Doctor Manhattan, you know?”, the panel said that the total unity the women's rights activism could bring between oppressive systems of patriarchal power could be the secret to world peace.

“Think about it – how many of us have been totally honest and supporting and caring and great listeners only to be cruelly put in the friendzone without even a handjob?” asked lead researcher for Men’s Rights International Emar Ay. “How many times have we been sick and tired of endless calls to introduce equal pay? How many times have we been battered by the same tired arguments that ‘videogames and advertising control, objectify and demean women?’ Like, all the flippen’ time, bro.”

He explained in more depth.

“Generally speaking, everyone becomes a slurring, hateful moron on the internet when we ‘discuss’ whether sexism exists, or whether the government should pay for women’s health. This is our uniting characteristic. We could be looking at the missing link for world peace. Feminism.”

“Bitches, man,” agreed another.

”Fuckin’ truth, bro,” added a third.

The global support has been astounding, even if fraught with errors of spelling, grammar, and punctuation.

“When you look at the factual basis of what they’re saying, they’re absolutely right,” said sociologist Noah Tallmehn. “I mean, America and extremist Muslim nations may seem utterly different, with their contrasting cultures, traditional rites, heritages, foods and religious leanings, but when we look at how a lot of people on both sides of the pond treat women like a sandwich-making dog you can stick your knob in, then really, we’re equals. We have so much in common, not least of all a controlling patriarchal society that dumbs down, attacks and tries to control the minds and bodies of women.”

Scientists now predict that even further unity and understanding between disparate cultures and peoples could be sown through a shared hatred for Justin Bieber.

“Really, hating Justin Bieber is just like hating a young girl anyway, but it gets even better than that because it’s like hating a young lesbian women – and we all know what a lot of us think about the gays,” said Tallmehn. “We could kill two birds with one stone.”

He added this was, of course, a only a figurative metaphorical comment until the bird sleeps with a man they’re not married to or makes a comment on bro culture or the gaming industry or female healthcare subsidies or even just the representation of women in films and pop culture.

“Then we’ll really be killing birds with stones, Old Testament-style.”

Study finds 96% of men “really good at doing the sex”

Recent inferences in the media and society that not all men are irresistible and fantastic lovers were utterly shattered today, after a survey has found that a staggering 96% of men are “like, really really great at doing the sex” and that 93% of men have “totally massive” dicks.

The survey, which was conducted over the past three years and involved over 160 000 male respondents between the ages of 12 and 42, has irrefutably found out that a vast majority of men are without equal in the sack, are very well hung, are excellent chefs, bone different totally hot binnets each weekend and have definitely banged both your mother and your sisters.

“Recent media misconceptions might paint men as just these overhyping, overexaggerating fools who are of average girth and length, and who have far fewer sexual conquests than they claim to have when surrounded by mates and various quantities of alcohol,” said head of the research team, Muhst Askew, “but these claims – according to our scientific research – are just a bunch of lies.”

The survey comes hot on the heels of last month’s shock scientific discovery in which a survey found that over 92% of all men are “completely dangerous cage fighters, deadly brawlers and MMA masters” who could “totally take like three guys at once in a bar”.

“It’s just like I’ve been saying for years,” said Tap-out t-shirt porting MMA fan, Marshall Harts. “I mean, maybe someone tunes me or checks me skiff in the bar, or looks at my chick. Boom! Elbow to the face! I mean, I wouldn’t want to though. I might, you know, fuckin’ totally kill someone,” he said before adding that “someone would definitely go to hospital [and] I don’t know if I want to do that to another guy.”

However, in light of these revelations, many experts and members of the public are now asking why there are not similar studies of woman – a question that the scientific community has attacked viciously.

“We obviously can’t ask women, like Jennifer or Christine, my ex-girlfriends,” said Askew, “because they’d probably lie about how tiny and laughably inadequate my penis is, the lying skanks.”

Girl no longer hot enough to jump queue, get her essays done by someone else

pic:impathilm
Pichost.me

Today was a bad day for 23-year-old part-time waitress and student Jessica Heiders, after the Court of Public Opinion ruled in favour of Men Everywhere’s claim that the defendant, Heiders, was “not really all that hot any more” and no longer “good looking enough” to warrant the continued acts of desperate males stooping to social lows in an attempt to escape the friendzone and get with her.

Though Heiders used to be hot enough to get away with anything (like many other reported women) the Counsel for the Prosecution argued that she was no longer considered by “a lot of guys we know” as “actually all that bangable anymore” and so no longer qualified for her various I’d-Tap-That privileges.

“We live in a society of constantly shifting agreements of which women met the strict criteria of our white, idealised notions of beauty,” said lead prosecutor Ayam de Villes-Zadvokat. “There are only so many girls we can let pretend we’re good enough friends for them to jump the queue at Friars or any nightclub, only for us to be dropped within seconds for someone else who happens to be closer to the douche bouncer and his prized entrance.”

De Villes-Zadvokat went on to add that “there was really only so much extra homework we can do for other people in hopes of us getting in there”.

Many men have agreed.

“It’s been months now of me listening to her blathering-ons, opening the door for her, being polite and kind and complimentary, and just generally being really nice to her,” said 23-year-old fellow French student who sometimes does her translation assignments Charl Louw, “and still she hasn’t slept with me. I’m beginning to think she’s taking advantage of my honest, sincere friendship.”

Now after months of trial hearings and scathing cross-examination, the Court ruled that men should no longer do her Politics assignments or be understanding or sympathetic when she’s really just being an irrational bitch to you.

“The evidence speaks for itself,” said Justice Jimmy Haders, pointing out Louw’s Formula of Attractivenes. “If we look at the objective science, she just isn’t worth it anymore.”

He continued.

“I know a lot of you used to be okay with her droning on about her tedious and empty life of meaningless and ultimately irrelevant problems with her drug-addict father and depressed mother because you totally want to hit that, but this is no longer acceptable. She doesn’t meet the basic subminimums for this sort of preferential special treatment.”

The controversial precedent for Men vs Heiders, 2014 has now been set and the Court’s decision may have far reaching implications for women and men everywhere.

“Every day, thousands of men around the world treat certain women with more patience and kindness than their lesser, inferior, lower-than-a-low-seven counterparts,” he said. “No longer. Now the world has become a slightly more equal place.”

Heiders, however, has since lodged an appeal with the Supreme Court, but inside sources say her application has little chance of success.

“The judge in charge of submissions is really busy with a whole bunch of other legal matters,” they said, asking not to be named because they were pretty much making all this up as they went along. “Besides, there’s this totally smoking babe in the Courtroom - Chelsea, god, bro, you should see her, you’d die - and she asked him to fill in a little bit of paperwork for her if he wasn’t too busy, nothing too serious, just a couple of full legal applications in triplicate. And so he’ll be busy with that.”

Heiders, however, remains heartbroken at the decision.

“This is terrible!” she wept in bitter and impotent rage. “However will I get by without hundreds of spineless men whose lack of talent, charm, charisma or real sexual attraction forces them to try get into my pants with meaningless acts that anyone can do? Without these guys, who assume that doing said acts automatically requires me to sleep with them, however will I cope?”

Girl “really starting to abuse” guy’s friendship

A local area man is reportedly at the end of his tether today, after he told reporters that Jessica Heiders, 23, who still hasn’t slept with him despite his kind actions and thoughtful attitude towards her for a number of years now, is starting to abuse his “sincere and honest friendship.”

Eric Jackson says he first met the part-time student and full-time heartless ice queen at a school social between their high schools three years ago. According to Jackon, he was immediately smitten.

“She was as beautiful as an overused comparative metaphor that describes how beautiful something is,” he said. The romantic and spontaneous meet-cute between them, when he tagged along with his mates to meet a bunch of chicks, was definitely true love, he recalls. “She spoke to me and she had a Y chromosome - she was perfect! Plus we like ALL the same things. She likes the Beatles and I like the Beatles. She likes food – holy crap, I looooove food. She loves Taylor Swift, oh my god, I absolutely love pretending that I love Taylor Swift!”

It was only after they ended up at the same university, however, that he knew it was really meant to be.

“I mean, of all the tertiary education institutes to apply for to read for a degree in Journalism and Media Studies, she picks Rhodes University. What are the CHANCES?!?!?!”

Jackson’s hopes, however, were soon dashed, after Heiders started showing her exploitative, manipulative colours.

“Every morning at Res Breakfast for the past three years now I’ve sat with her and chatted about her dreams and her ambitions in life, her deepest fears and anxieties, her struggles with her alcoholic dad and her depressed mom, and also about where she sees herself in ten years not just as a career woman, but as a fully-fledged being in this mixed-up and confusing world,” he said, “and still she hasn’t slept with me. I just don’t get it.”

He added that to date not a single even vaguely sexual action had occurred between them – this even despite him writing about her in his diary on a daily basis, and composing long, multi-stanza poems dedicated to her.

“She can’t see honest and sincere I am, that I would never want to hurt her and how I’m always there for her,” he said to reporters. “Instead she just hooks up with all these other douchebags. Like, guys who play musical instruments or have so-called ‘confidence’ and who waste all their time playing sports and doing gym stuff. I mean, what do they have that I don’t? You know, except self-confidence, anything vaguely classifiable as ‘sex appeal’ or knowledge of how poetry should be written beyond a cliché and monotonous A-A-B-B-C-C flat rhyme scheme?”

Jackson has now told reporters that he is no longer sure whether or not being a true friend with no ulterior motives is a good strategy for having a right proper shag with her.

“I just don’t know anymore,” he said. “Maybe I should start being an arsehole? Like, only pretend to care about her as a person while all time the only thing I want to do is have a cheap shag? That’s what all those other moron douche kings do to her.”

However, many of his friends have strongly defended him, saying that it is not his fault, but that the blame rests entirely on her leading-him-on shoulders.

“All these years of being her shoulder to cry on, the guy who will never betray her, and still she hasn’t even touched his dick. Clearly, the bitch doesn’t understand the concept of romantic feelings towards other people,” they said in a joint statement. “Everyone knows that when you like a person that much then that person is obliged to return those feelings. Simple.”

Starting tomorrow, Fuller is now set to embark on long, snide rants about giving up on love in the face of her heartless and hurtful apathy, before moving on to spouting embittered and ennui-fuelled diatribes of cognitive dissonance later this week, mostly about how he “didn’t even really like her that much anyway.”

Bunch of guys protest misandry, "Feminazi agenda"

Today was a marvellous day for anti-feminazi, anti-misandry victims of the endless campaign of hate and intolerance of men perpetrated by women in an oppressive societal matriarchy, said Men’s Rights Activism Group Bros Against Hoes (BAH), after a bunch of guys launched a series of debates discussing their marginalisation in the workplace, rugby field and in society in general.

The debate was launched to counter the “sick lies of the growing liberal Feminazi agenda”, which seeks to destabilise societal harmony and parity by introducing backward and retrogressive legislation ensuring aberrations like “equal pay” and “the right to choose”. According to BAH, this oppressive influence on global media has too long held the reins of the gender debate.

“Just last week they had a massive march and discussion session, with several of their most highly ranking chicks (maybe like a seven out of ten, maybe a high six at least) coming out of the kitchen long enough to jabber on about ‘women are mistreated this’ and ‘women are underpaid that’. What about men, huh?” said BAH head of operations Andrew Genous. “What about our daily suffering?”

According to Genous, no sandwiches were made at the march or discussion seminars.

“We believe that our own debate series has come to the fore just in time,” he said. “Men across the world suffer brutal oppression, and it’s about time we let the limelight expose the true difficulties of being born with a Y chromosome.”

The marches and debate series are poised at a crucial moment in our history, after reports that singer and producer J-Z was allegedly beaten by Solange Knowles (think Beyonce but not famous). "We need to act now," he said. "Every year dozens of men are beaten by their wives, and yet the world and its harps on about the meagre few women who are assaulted by their husbands and boyfriends."

Genous says that the research into the plight of modern men is damning.

“On average, men are forced to earn 17% more than women, even if they don’t want to, and they are subjected to obligatory easy upward mobility in the workplace, being thrust into positions that they might not necessarily want just because of their gender,” he said. “This snatches men away from their beloved smaller jobs and forces them into so-called ‘prestigious’ corporate positions, often with requisite ‘benefits’ like ‘free dental’ and ‘a company car’. These are just sick euphemisms employed by an uncaring, men-hating corporate world trying to hide their gross injustices. Also, no matter what they wear, men very rarely if ever solicit unwanted sexual advances, and if we do choose to have multiple sexual partners, we are branded with demeaning and insulting labels like ‘stud’ and ‘the man.’ It’s disgusting.”

Genous also added that often the discrimination costs men their jobs and livelihoods.

“Every year, dozens of men are discriminated against unfairly in the workplace – men whose only crime is being able to tell really funny jokes or acting slightly overzealous in their appreciation of the women’s junk. In addition to this, if woman goes into a public place such as a school wearing high-heels, make-up and a tight fitting red dress it’s okay, but if a man does it its ‘perverse’ and ‘a sexual offence’.”

Pro-feminist activists have yet to respond to the allegations, merely stating, “Seriously? I mean, seriously?”