Man's white cis-het male Halloween costume leaves people terrified and triggered

Controversy and terror reign this week, after an area man dressed up as a cis-gendered, heterosexual white male for Halloween, leaving hundreds of Twitter users and university students outraged and horrified.

Local accountant Westley Krayven says he had the idea for the costume when thinking of how to live up to the horror-inspiring legacy of this annual celebration.

"I thought to myself, what monsters are there that are still scary, that root people to the spot in deep, paralyzing fear? And I don't mean sparkly, emotionally-unstable vampires or Native Americans who turn into big dogs, thanks to the Twilight Saga," he said. "Besides, it's frowned upon to stray even an inch outside of your own culture, and so I didn't think wearing harmless feather headdresses or a samurai costume was worth being lynched on social media and losing my job over."

"In any case, our roster of truly despicable, monstrous creatures is frighteningly short these days."

Short, but not empty, as Krayven soon realised.

"I wanted to dress as the most terrifying and offensive thing I could for this spooky, dark night. I wanted to come dressed as a true monster, that is universally reviled and hated in even the most supposedly tolerant sectors of our society. That's when it hit me: who is responsible for all the problems in our society? Who actively makes the world a worse place to live in just because they are alive and around? Who - somehow - controls the entire world, the global markets, oppresses anyone who isn't them, and who literally invented slavery and murder?"

"I was looking in a mirror at the time, so it was kind of a rhetorical question."

Krayven even carved a pumpkin depicting a cis-gendered
white male to go with his costume.
Not to be confused with lesser demons or much less harmful Balrogs. 

Krayven's costume was reportedly very convincing, down to the last detail.

"It actually took very little effort. I just dressed normally. Like, a checkered shirt and some jeans. I didn't even need any prosthetics or make-up."

However, it was getting into character that made his costume all the more convincing.

"I really had to think: what would a monster like me say, and how would they act?. So I did things like ask for evidence of your assertion, defend the principles of scientific methodology over the wishy-washy subjectivity of post-modernism; said things like 'not all men…', 'all lives matter' and, my personal favourite, 'actually'," he explained. "I didn't even need to say anything racist or sexist. Past experience has taught me that you don't actually need to, because you're automatically those things."

Reactions to his grotesque getup have been mixed.

"I think it’s disgusting that someone dressed up like this," said third-year Gender Perspectives in Basket Weaving student, Constance Mohning. "I know him – he once got drunk and kissed a man, and in his early university days he questioned the conventions of masculinity. Who is he to appropriate the struggles of white cis-het men everywhere? It’s sickening."

"Besides, Halloween is derived from ancient holy Celtic celebrations and Christian's All Saint's Day. I think it's so EUGH and problematic that people belittle and degrade this holy, ancient culture by dressing up in costumes. It's cultural appropriation and it isn't right. People shouldn’t be allowed to pretend, for just one night, that they are something other than what they are: to put on a mask and make believe, for a moment, that they aren’t alone and unremarkable; that they’re a warrior, a noble sultan, or an exotic princess, and bring some humour and creative spark into this drab and ugly world. Did I say, 'Eugh'?. Like, EUGH."

Others, however, are not so miffed.

"I know it’s an unforgivable thought-crime, but I think people should be allowed to dress up however they want on Halloween without fear of losing their job because some lonely, angry person on Twitter doesn’t agree with your decision to ‘belittle Christians by mocking the image of Jesus Christ’ or 'erase the lived experience and real struggles of indigenous peoples by dressing up as Pocahontas',” said another student. “So far, I’ve seen a bunch of costumes and I haven’t been offended. That’s why I dressed up as Article 50 of the Brexit decision: because I haven’t been triggered yet.”

Whatever the outcry, Krayven is still deciding on plans for next Halloween.

"I was thinking of dressing up as the Straw Man from the Wizard of Oz next year, but I think I might have already done that costume."

I'm taking a stand against this racist, sexist, privileged, problematic page

The bullshittery has gone on long enough.

I’ve known about this website for a while. “Funny”, you might call it, if you think the racist, sexist oppression of minorities and disenfranchised groups - or expressing an opinion that I don't share - is funny. Too long have we let such privilege go unchecked. For years, this site has been allowed to offend. To trigger. Well, no more.

Finally, I decided I’d do something about it. But, halfway through calling the author a "homophobe" and a "racist" on Twitter, using a trendy, clever hashtag that would definitely have changed the world, I thought I’d actually do something.

So I put away my mug of male tears, crawled out of my offense-free safe space ball pit, said twelve "Hail 'Yonces" and hacked his account. I wasn’t even hard. It was the first password I tried: “Ih8womenKillAllMinoritiesKKKstrangleSmallKittens69”.

Who am I? I’m Angie Davison. I’m a diasexual, brynxagender, polymorphic, fairykin pan-amorous feminist whose preferred pronouns are “zyrdl”, “zyrdlre”, and “xzyv” (LEARN THEM OR I WILL BLOCK YOU) and who identifies as a pan-gendered demi-theist, myxa-romantic pluraphorialist (but I’m not sure about that last one so I’ll see how I feel next week). And I am so DONE with this problematic fuckery.

So why did I hack his blog, you ask? Well, all across the world, in colleges and universities from Britain to America to South Africa, Freedom of Speech is under attack. Every time we - feminists and protesters like myself - say or do something virtuous and pure, hordes of droning troglodytes are allowed to reply with their wrong, stupid opinions. Large rallies of Christians and Republicans, and all flavours of controversial speakers are allowed to poison the air with their vituperative agendas, veiled under a thin pretense of "the right to political association and freedom of expression". They're allowed to lampoon our sacred, holy, universal beliefs. It's sick.

For every paper or publication we ban on campus, another pops up. For every song we get blacklisted on campus, another one takes its place. For every problematic noun or word that gets added to a list of potential Disciplinary Offences, a new one is created. For every dissenting, evil voice whose career and life we destroy on social media through paranoia, virtue signaling, and mob hatred, another one pipes up from the gorgeous, progressive silence.

Universities should be a safe space, where all of us - whether you're a POC, a Critical Studies student or someone fighting for a cause I already support - should be allowed to discuss our ideas freely and safely, without criticism or dissent.

I am done with cis-gender white men thinking they can rule and oppress the world and everyone. These straight, white male scum stereotype and box everyone by their sexual orientation, gender identity, race and sex, and then try to make them feel bad about just being who they are. It’s bullshit. They're a bunch of man-spreading, mansplaining, micro-aggressing bigots who reduce everything around them to an oversimplified straw-man. Every day, they inflict mental and systemic violence on hundreds of people just by being there. Their violence is disgusting. If we want to create a more peaceful, tolerant society, we need to kill them all #YESALLMEN.

MICRO-AGRESSING SCUM.
pic: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:FriedC

They’re probably even worse than second wave, sorry WHITE feminists, who did even less for society. You’d think that fighting for the vote, reducing voting age, securing fair labour laws and working towards our social and sexual emancipation would have been high on the agenda, but no, Becky with the Bitch hair was too busy listening to hubby, wearing pink and making cute cupcakes to stop the OPPRESSIVE PATRIARCHAL SHITLORDS from continuing their shitty, oppressive, democratically elected campaigns of terror into 2016. Worse still, their practices were hugely islamophobic and Eurocentric. How can scum like Ayaan Hirsi Ali have the audacity to criticise other cultures, or tell them how to treat their women? EUGH YOUR FAVES ARE SO PROBLEMATIC.

They didn’t even think of the biggest issues of our time. Things like white guilt and white privilege. As a white female, it sickens me to think of how many white people there are that don’t make effusive, complicated internet confessions of their sins to seem more enlightened and morally superior than those around them. It makes me so angry I almost spilled cappuccino onto my Macbook Pro's keyboard.

Despite there still being a pay gap in some small areas of society when you don’t adjust for job experience, qualification, time off and maternity leave, do they focus their efforts on this? No. And how can they, because they DON’T UNDERSTAND THE WORLD like we – twenty-something unemployed bloggers with four year degrees in Media Studies and Gender studies – do.

How can you begin to lobby for better, more progressive legislation without a spicy FIRE hashtag? How do even consider studying for something like a law degree to ensure that existing legal frameworks that ensure equality between men and women of any race or creed are upheld and followed to the letter without getting to grips with the deep lattice of competing systems of bigotry and prejudice that make me a lot more oppressed than you? How can we work towards a better, more considerate society if we aren’t ostracising those who think differently from us and use words or ideas that offend me?

Let this be a lesson to all of you out there. We are woke. We are watching. The days of this kind of oppressive, unfunny, fuckery that masquerades that “satire” and makes fun of things that I don’t find funny are numbered.

Making fun of Donald Trump or insulting African and traditional leaders who hate gay people is okay. I don't mind if he writes highly charged, ironic posts about how female voices are underrepresented in traditional, academic and legal spheres. I can even support his parodying of Men's Rights Activists. But to make fun of things I don't find funny, or my personal beliefs is a level of privileged fuckery that I won't tolerate. Say one more goddamn word about bell hooks and I’ll give this blog the Blurred Lines treatment: it'll be gone faster than a tweet that disagrees with whatever I say or do.

The choice is yours, boy: Check your privilege and check your hate speech, or Muse and Abuse goes bye-bye.

Feminist agenda’s ugly truth finally exposed

“We want men to die,” admit feminists
“Holy shit, we were right?!?!” exclaim Men’s Rights Activists

The horrifying truth is out: feminists want men to go extinct. These were the exact words spoken by Leader of all the feminists everywhere, Anita Hooks.

”We’ve gotten away with so much,” she admitted in a terrifying one-on-one interview with Muse and Abuse, “and that’s because we hid so cleverly.”

Hooks outlined how feminists kept up a decades-long clever and carefully-constructed façade of equality shrouded in the false search for equal rights and pay, while paying false and disingenuous lip service to ‘seeking legislation that respects women and gives them power and control over their lives and bodies’ – and all to cover up a dark plot to enact global genocide against men.

”We were so devious, so cunning,” she admitted. “It was bold and crafty how we pretended to give a shit about the education, health, dignity and civil rights of women across the world, just to veil our secret desire to drive a wooden stake deep into the heart of men the world over. By saying, ‘listen, we’re not unreasonable demons – we just want to be treated like we’re not sex-craving, brainless sandwich-making dogs you can stick your dick in whenever you want’ we hid our evil in plain sight for years. And we would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those pesky MRAs.”

The official feminist manifesto, which is being seen for the first time by eyes outside the secret underground society of man-hating, Woolf-reading, placard-making feminazis, has also finally been unearthed. On it are many hundreds of very terrifying goals, including “Castrate and behead all men, making sure to abort all male foetuses”, “make Tumblr the only website on the internet”, “kill jokes and comedy forever with overly sensitive Politically Correct controls and trigger warnings”, “Finally establish the All-Female 1000-year Fourth Reich” and, perhaps most terrifying of all, “remove guns and bikinis and boobs from videogames”.

Meanwhile, Men’s Rights Activists across the world have reacted with surprise and glee.

“I knew it!” said renowned MRA writer and admin of www.reversesexism.net, Staü Mannings, tipping his fedora and scratching his neckbeard with Doritos-stained index-finger. “I’ve been saying this for years. I mean, for a while there even I thought what we were saying and doing was merely spreading misogynistic and hateful slurs, verbal attacks, a constant stream of abuse and countless death threats, but I’m glad to see that was true, justified and significant discourse all along.”

Study finds 96% of men “really good at doing the sex”

Recent inferences in the media and society that not all men are irresistible and fantastic lovers were utterly shattered today, after a survey has found that a staggering 96% of men are “like, really really great at doing the sex” and that 93% of men have “totally massive” dicks.

The survey, which was conducted over the past three years and involved over 160 000 male respondents between the ages of 12 and 42, has irrefutably found out that a vast majority of men are without equal in the sack, are very well hung, are excellent chefs, bone different totally hot binnets each weekend and have definitely banged both your mother and your sisters.

“Recent media misconceptions might paint men as just these overhyping, overexaggerating fools who are of average girth and length, and who have far fewer sexual conquests than they claim to have when surrounded by mates and various quantities of alcohol,” said head of the research team, Muhst Askew, “but these claims – according to our scientific research – are just a bunch of lies.”

The survey comes hot on the heels of last month’s shock scientific discovery in which a survey found that over 92% of all men are “completely dangerous cage fighters, deadly brawlers and MMA masters” who could “totally take like three guys at once in a bar”.

“It’s just like I’ve been saying for years,” said Tap-out t-shirt porting MMA fan, Marshall Harts. “I mean, maybe someone tunes me or checks me skiff in the bar, or looks at my chick. Boom! Elbow to the face! I mean, I wouldn’t want to though. I might, you know, fuckin’ totally kill someone,” he said before adding that “someone would definitely go to hospital [and] I don’t know if I want to do that to another guy.”

However, in light of these revelations, many experts and members of the public are now asking why there are not similar studies of woman – a question that the scientific community has attacked viciously.

“We obviously can’t ask women, like Jennifer or Christine, my ex-girlfriends,” said Askew, “because they’d probably lie about how tiny and laughably inadequate my penis is, the lying skanks.”

Rhodes student officially Most Awkward Male in SA

A Rhodes student has cause to celebrate this week after being officially awarded the title of Most Awkward University Male in South Africa, leaving bad-hug-givers and monosyllabic-answer contenders across the country in the dust.

According to the Institute for the Study of Human Behaviour, which oversaw the massive nationwide contest, 21-year-old BSc student Jake Henderson (also known by many as “That Guy”) has blown away the competition to earn first place by miles.

"Henderson first came to our attention early this year,” said head of the competition’s panel of judges Sue Seyetie. “We got reports that he would frequently walk down the street and then, suddenly realising that he was going in the wrong direction, check his mobile phone, frown at it, and then spin and walk the other way.”

Henderson’s efforts to cinch the coveted title were emboldened by many other key strategies that most other socially awkward guys didn’t do.

“His other feats include walking side-by-side down Prince Alfred street with his best friend and then accidentally holding hands after their arms collided during a sidestep around a puddle,” said Seyetie, “as well as accidentally liking that photo of a girl he knows in a bikini on Facebook from two years ago.”

However, at this stage of the game, there were still many contenders putting up a strong fight.

“It was a tough decision,” said co-panellist Oork Ward. “We had one guy at Wits who accidentally made the name of the girl he was trying to look up on Facebook as his status, and yet another guy at NMMU who would stand in the middle of a circle of friends, cutting one or two people out, and then always crack a topically relevant joke just as the subject changed. It was a close call for a while there.”

However, it was Henderson’s final acts that cemented his place on the podium.

“Jake was at a friend’s house for a party. Not only did he sit down at a table and accidentally footsie another dude opposite him while wearing leather sandals, he also later sat down too close to a guy he didn’t know on the couch by the TV, having their leg hair rub together. He then went on to dig for chips out of the bag on the aforementioned male’s lap,” said Ward. “However, the final nail in the competition’s coffin was with Jess, your friend from Durban.”

According to eyewitnesses at the party, Henderson reportedly tried to turn a handshake with her into a hug, ending up with the horrific combination of a body lean and a back pat that looked like two people trying to hug each other while not touching.

“I saw the whole thing,” said Megan Astley, a bystander who had to be treated for severe muscle damage after her cringe shut down her entire nervous system. “Right after that, he tried to pat her arm and ended up hitting her in the boob. I passed out just after that.”

Henderson is set to receive his trophy next weekend in Johannesburg at the National Awkward Symposium, where attendees will mingle sipping drinks and dancing badly while not talking to anyone.

“It is set to be a very special occasion,” said Ward, “although we’re thinking of changing the MC who gives out trophies. He’s a well-known rap DJ, you see, and we don’t want Jake going in for a fist-bump and then morphing it into a hip-hop cupped-handshake-slash-shoulder-slap thing at the last moment. That would just be too much.”