Internet commenters unsure which racial epithet to use

'Uncle Tom Sell-out, or arrogant whitey?', ponder debate enthusiasts

Following a comment posted ten minutes ago online concerning the controversial issue of the University of Cape Town's Cecil John Rhodes memorial statue, online commenters, social media activists, and digital bigots on both sides of the debate have told reporters they are still unsure which utterly unnecessary, hurtful racist slur to bash into their well-worn keyboards.

Citing the "ambiguous profile picture" of the Facebook user in question and touching on her "scant profile information", internet users across South Africa are still uncertain whether to reply to her call for a "return to calm and considerate debate free from ridiculous racist slurs, mockery, ad hominem attacks and rhetoric fallacies" with a "STFU you stupid and arrogant white crybaby upholding a legacy of oppression" or a "OMG look at this sellout counterrevolutionary Uncle Tom brainwashed into defending white privilege."

"When you click on the thumbnail of the post next to this peaceful, non-toxic plea to her fellow citizens that we treat each other with the respect and dignity that we all, as human beings, deserve, all we can see is a group shot with four girls of a varying range of skin colours," said 1st-year politics student and fiercely involved social media RhodesMustFall debater, Vlei Mwar.

"So, as of this moment, we can't be sure which form of cyber bullying and utterly disrespectful slander to employ. I mean, at this stage we don't know if she's white or black, so how are we supposed to pick which racially charged epithet to use in scorning her personal, subjective stance on the matter?"

"I mean, we could just call her a 'fucking stupid bitch' who should 'go and educate herself' and 'read a book about the history of this before you bring your dumb comments' - you know, a general, non-racial smear that is easily applied to people of any race, religion or creed online," explained Mwar, "but when it comes to debates as important as this, we think that if we're not going to be considerate, thoughtful and critically engaged in the current discourse, we should at least apply that high-level logic-based rational thinking to our short-sighted, debate-sullying engagements with other people."

However, not all internauts agree, with one side of the camp calling for a calm and respectful waiting period before heaping ridicule and abuse on her and likening her to something that should be universally despised and ostracised.

"We're not mindless animals," said Rashad Homnem. "I mean, why in the world would anyone in this nationally-watched debate sully the importance of mature, respectful discourse with ridiculous things like making over-simplistic comparisons between two unconnected, vastly dissimilar people?'

"Besides," added Homnem, "even if someone doesn't tip us off, what's not being able to call one out of hundreds of people a 'fucking stupid blind moron who should shut the fuck up because you don't know what you're talking about'? I'm pretty sure we can let this one slide."

Muse and Abuse would like to get this debate going by preemptively calling you all massive festering cockworms.

Rhodes Statue “must fall” says UCT study

University of Cape Town administration is finalising plans to remove the ‘offensive and racist’ monument to Cecil John Rhodes, after a study was published this morning confirming that it was indeed the central anchor of institutionalised racism in South Africa and that its removal would immediately end all racism and hatred everywhere.

“We’ve crunched the numbers and looked at the data, and we’ve come to a conclusion we all knew was coming,” said Bart Hert, a researcher from the International Statistical Institute of South Africa, which was commissioned by the obviously Apartheid-worshiping tertiary institute to produce the study. “This statue is the root of all the anger, violence, and racism in not just the institutional culture in universities like UCT, but in all of South Africa as well, and removing it would instantly make the issue go away.”

Hert outlined the study’s findings in detail.

“You know, there are a lot of misconceptions about this debate. There are many people who believe that effecting the kind of institutional and societal change towards respect and dignity – a giant cognitive shift in our country’s paradigms that make us more tolerant and less likely to apply backwards and retrogressive ideas of racial discrimination – on such a large scale would take lots of effort and debate beyond shallow gestures that give the mere illusion of acceptance and progressivity."

"People assume it would require a massive improvement not just in our levels of basic education, but also in introducing complementary programs that allow hugely subsidised access to high quality education for all, regardless of origin or colour,” he told reporters. “This is obviously all wrong. We’ve found that we can just skip all this with a chisel and a hammer, and perhaps a set of sturdy chains and a M1 Abrams Main Battle Tank.”

Taking down statues has been proven to drastically
improve democracy, as shown in Iraq in 2003.

Ever since it shattered the global speed records for a comparison to Hitler, the debate around the iniquitous statue has been heated, with both sides staunchly standing by their False Dichotomy entrenched extremes. However, with the publication of this eye-opening study, both sides have put aside their differences.

“Since its earliest days of calm-level headed poo flinging and rational, logical accusations of racial bias, colour privilege, and empty ‘revolutionary’ lingo, it’s easy to see how some people were worried this entire thing would just devolve into another cesspit of racial slurs, facile and puerile comparisons to previous dictators ‘photoshopping’ history and fractious name-calling,” said one commenter who took time out of sipping lattes and buying apple Products to speak to reporters about white privilege, “but I really think this debate has brought out everyone’s compassionate, considerate side. And at the very least, it got me couple of retweets.”

UCT, which is still taking the difficult decision of which replacement statue of Nelson Mandela they’ll use, has responded to the study with their full cooperation, saying the “evil token of Satan” should be knocked down on Friday at the very latest.

“Maybe it’ll be Nelson Mandela sitting in a chair. Maybe it’ll be him standing up. Or maybe, now that we’re free to ‘improve’ history as we like, we can just have him wielding two massive machine guns like a colonialist-head-stomping Xhosa Django. “

Whatever their decision, one thing is for sure: the statue is coming down.

“Not because of who he was or how his legacy of oppression can be toxic to our university environment,” said the University in their lengthy statement, “but mostly so that you’ll all just shut the fuck up on Facebook and Twitter.”

Rhodes University was not available for comment, because they’re sitting this awkward one out.

Pics: Creative Commons.

Read more from Muse and Abuse on this hot topic:
Protest creator admits he "actually just shat [him]self" and another calm, balanced take on the whole matter.

Feminist agenda’s ugly truth finally exposed

“We want men to die,” admit feminists
“Holy shit, we were right?!?!” exclaim Men’s Rights Activists

The horrifying truth is out: feminists want men to go extinct. These were the exact words spoken by Leader of all the feminists everywhere, Anita Hooks.

”We’ve gotten away with so much,” she admitted in a terrifying one-on-one interview with Muse and Abuse, “and that’s because we hid so cleverly.”

Hooks outlined how feminists kept up a decades-long clever and carefully-constructed façade of equality shrouded in the false search for equal rights and pay, while paying false and disingenuous lip service to ‘seeking legislation that respects women and gives them power and control over their lives and bodies’ – and all to cover up a dark plot to enact global genocide against men.

”We were so devious, so cunning,” she admitted. “It was bold and crafty how we pretended to give a shit about the education, health, dignity and civil rights of women across the world, just to veil our secret desire to drive a wooden stake deep into the heart of men the world over. By saying, ‘listen, we’re not unreasonable demons – we just want to be treated like we’re not sex-craving, brainless sandwich-making dogs you can stick your dick in whenever you want’ we hid our evil in plain sight for years. And we would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those pesky MRAs.”

The official feminist manifesto, which is being seen for the first time by eyes outside the secret underground society of man-hating, Woolf-reading, placard-making feminazis, has also finally been unearthed. On it are many hundreds of very terrifying goals, including “Castrate and behead all men, making sure to abort all male foetuses”, “make Tumblr the only website on the internet”, “kill jokes and comedy forever with overly sensitive Politically Correct controls and trigger warnings”, “Finally establish the All-Female 1000-year Fourth Reich” and, perhaps most terrifying of all, “remove guns and bikinis and boobs from videogames”.

Meanwhile, Men’s Rights Activists across the world have reacted with surprise and glee.

“I knew it!” said renowned MRA writer and admin of www.reversesexism.net, Staü Mannings, tipping his fedora and scratching his neckbeard with Doritos-stained index-finger. “I’ve been saying this for years. I mean, for a while there even I thought what we were saying and doing was merely spreading misogynistic and hateful slurs, verbal attacks, a constant stream of abuse and countless death threats, but I’m glad to see that was true, justified and significant discourse all along.”

The top ten most drop-dead sexy dictators of all time

Let’s face it: when it comes to making the world stop in its tracks, there are just some men whose badboy, counterculture devilish charm, wit and looks make us weak at the knees more than other men could even dream! Now, thanks to the tried, tested, flawless and sciencetifically perfect method of online personality quizzes, we have the top ten, drop-dead dictators. Let the countdown begin!

1. Kim Jong-Il

   

   That sultry stare, that manly chin… North Korean Heartthrob and Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Il is so hot it’s a crime against humanity. While not the highest scoring contender, his creativity and charm are more than a match for most men – even if those who try to compete are imprisoned and forced into labour camps. A country worships him, and merely his presence makes millions hungry for a bite; and we can see why.

   
   
   

2. Bashar al-Assad

   

   A bit of a Jealous John, but that is what defines him! Look at his worldwide celebrity: he ardently defends his political views, finds innovative ways to interrogate criminals, is to people what Buzzfeed is to online content, and has his very own secret police force that can watch you at all moments of the day. Whether, you’re surfing the web or writing a blog, you’ll always know this guardian angel is looking over your shoulder.

   
   
   

3. Idi Amin Dada

   

   Even though this iconic badboy military ruler was the Ugandan president for only eight years, thousands still remember Idi Amin Dada’s ineffable wit and charm. His intelligence makes him a definite keeper – but he takes eighth in our list because of his jealous tendencies. You can try tame this black panther is you want, but just be careful: nearly half a million people can tell you that kitty has claws.

   
   
   

4. Gaddafi

   

   "Public Enemy No. 1”? “The Mad Dog of the Middle East"? We don’t know about that, but he has us foaming at the mouth. Woof, woof, arrooo! Who let the dogs out? Libyan style-king and supreme ruler (of fashion!) Muammar Muhammad Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi scores a solid seventh.

   
   
   

5. Allatoyah Ali Kha

   

   That beard! Just look at it! What is more rugged, more undeniably sexy, than a man in a beard? Nothing – except a man who takes charge and isn’t afraid to face societal wrath for his beliefs. For just ten minutes in a dark room with this sagely love master, we’d also ban music or denounce homosexuality as a Western disease!

   
   
   

6. Ho Chi Minh

   

   He’s courageous, tenacious, loving, and not scared to take what is rightfully his. Most people wouldn’t execute thousands and thousands of people over a Land Reform program, but badboy Hot Cheeks Minh just doesn’t play by the rules. Even at five, he's a keeper.

   
   
   

7. Omar al-Bashir

   

   This Sudanese President ended a civil war and was thought to be a noble and fair man – perhaps he can help bring peace to all the ladies who must be at each other’s throats for a little piece of action with the Bash Master? What is it about Masterminds of ethic cleansing and mass genocide that just make us feel so naughty? It’s that guilty feeling you get doing something you know you shouldn’t!

   
   
   

8. Josef Stalin

   

   Leader of a people, progressive thinker, revolutionary icon and total master of photoshop (who is Lenin anyway?), this Ruskie Hunk will make you want to overthrow the bourgeoisie and Great Purge your heart of every other man you’ve ever had eyes for and throw them in Gulag where all the inferior male specimens are kept.

   
   
   

9. Adolf Hilter

   

   You knew this one had to be here somewhere. Adolf Hitler (or should that be “Adonis Hit-me-baby-one-more-time-ler”?) is to breath-taking tyrants what black culture was to Miley Cyrus and what shitty adverts were to Andy Warhol: the source, the muse, the OG Mac Daddy. Effective, passionately committed, bold in the face of his critics, and great with animals, Adorable Hitl-ey is a keeper, whether he is painting you watercolours of Vienna’s picturesque sights, holding your hand, or helping you kill yourself so that you can be together forever outside of a hateful society that doesn’t understand or accept your illicit love.

   

   *Unfortunately he doesn’t take Number One because of a lot of controversy surrounding his past - especially his stint with Amphetamines during that dark, dark spring of 1942. Some things we just aren’t comfortable with

   
   
   The one you’ve all been waiting for! Here it is ladies!
   

10. Mao Zedong

    

    The Republic of China will never forget him – and neither will you. Look at that soft, adorable face! Look at his thirst for power! This buxom badass is not afraid to speak his mind – whether its defending his views against parents who think he shouldn’t follow his dreams or indiscriminately sentencing millions to death, Zedong wins us hook, line and sinker. oh, and what about “Zedong”, you ask? Well, let’s just say it’s Mao-ssive.

    
    
    

    All Pics: wikimedia commons. Ratings from wwwfollowland.com. Picture of Hitler from Bundesarchiv, Bild 183-S33882 / CC-BY-SA. Picture of Mao Zedong from Richard Fisher

“Are we the Bad Guys?” – Apartheid minister diary

Recent declassified top-level Apartheid Minister diaries that they forgot to shred after handing over power in 1994 have surprised all South Africans today, with their deeply personal and heartfelt philosophical self-scrutiny, with several of the personal Agony Aunt booklets going so far as to ask outright if maybe “we’re the baddies”.

The diaries, which were unearthed yesterday and are purported to belong to Daniel Francoise Malan, Hendrik Verwoerd and Peter Willem Botha, contain many startling self-admonishments.

“Dear Diary, today I started to think that maybe the international media and the thousands of sanctions against us might be justified,” said one diary. “The beatings, the political assassinations and repression, the restrictive pass laws, and the racial prejudice – are we like Hitler and those Nazi fellows? I mean, we don’t wear leather or have spikey helmets, but still... I just don’t know any more. I feel conflicted.”

The author went on to berate himself at length before adding, “I really hope we're not the baddies. I mean, I’m not racist. Some of my best garden boys are black! If we are the bad guys, then it could be seriously awkward – haha, can you imagine the racial tension and legacy of social inequality that could create in a future South Africa?”

However, many ministers whose personal diaries were also declassified defended their actions, saying “all we want is peace.”

“All we want to do is live peacefully and without problems in our own little corner of the world,” said Verwoede’s pages, ”and also retain total political, mineral, territorial, military, societal, legislative and societal superiority – is that too much to ask?”

He went on to add that it was “probably too late to stop now anyway.”

“We’re already committed. It’s not like we can just say ‘oh, our bad, bro’ and tell everyone who votes for us to stop being racist dicks.”

Verwoede did stress, however, that he still had yet to make up his mind about the whole thing.

“I’ll give the whole ‘are we the racist dick bad guys’ thing some more thought later,” he said. “Maybe after Phineas has cut the lawn and Sophia has cooked dinner and I’ve given Xolile his daily trashing for no apparent reason, I'll be able to relax and work out if I'm evil or not.”