Men willing to overlook most women’s flaws, finds dating study

The common perception that men are judgemental partners was shattered today, after a ground-breaking new study found that the majority of men were “more than willing to overlook most of their potential mate’s flaws and faults”.

The study, which has examined thousands of cases across the globe, found that nearly 95% of men would “definitely not care if she had some kind of a personality flaw”.

“Racism, bigotry, a hugely irritating laugh, an unpredictable temper, contempt for everything you do and say – these are just some of the thousands of things that men are willing to turn a blind eye towards,” said the head of the research and development team. “In fact, often their only criteria is that the chick be stunningly beautiful with a great rack and amazing body. Turns out, men aren’t as picky as we think.”

And the data confirms this hypothesis.

“The media paints men as these judgemental, shallow, ultra-choosy dudes who want the perfect woman,” said data analyst Fin de Pattens. “But really, the statistics show that they’re really accepting and tolerant.”

“Take this case study, Mike, for example. Most people would say that his lingerie model cross-fit obsessed girlfriend is a Super-bitch who despises everyone and everything around her; most people would say ‘yeah, Jessica is gorgeous, but she hates Muslims, thinks homosexuality should be a crime, and believes that homeless people should be rounded up in camps and shot’ – but not Mike. He accepts her flaws as a part of who she is: a size-zero, flat-stomached, double-D’ed human being.”

Scientific research now shows that men will accept women like
Jessica (above) despite their numerous personal faults.

Her testimony backs this up.

“When I first met Mike, I was terrified that my bigoted opinions, my contempt for his dress sense and taste in music, and my obvious spite for his family and friends would chase him off,” she said in an interview earlier this year. “But not Mikey. He took one single look at me and accepted me for who I was - perfect ass, platinum-blonde hair and all.”

The study has since been confirmed by similar research – meaning that men could be even more accepting and non-judgmental than we think.

“There have been hundreds of case studies where the men – who, for some godless, incomprehensible reason – are dating women who are not physically attractive, have terrible personalities and are also prejudiced, unlikeable cretins,” explained De Pattens. “This new data suggests that men own Christ-like quantities of acceptance.”

“Megan isn’t that great,” said one case study. “She’s short, overweight and is a staunch anti-vaxxer and geocentrist, but hey... the sex is pretty good, so what can I say?”

Instagrammer comes to blindly obvious conclusion, quits Instagram

Gut-wrenching feelings of shock and betrayal persist today, after 18-year-old Instagrammer Tay Kasselfey came to the self-evident conclusion that Instagram is “contrived perfection made to get attention” and deleted her account.

Kasselfey, who had to this sudden and utterly self-apparently epiphany this weekend, has slammed Instagram, saying that despite the social media platform's devilishly misleading realism, the service is actually built on “carefully constructed lies that didn’t eat that morning and also had to suck in their belly”.

“Instagram might look totally real. If you scroll down it and see all the glossy, filtered and yet also hyperrealistic photos of coffee and stunningly attractive, thin woman dressed and made up to perfection, you could be easily tricked into thinking, ‘yeah, this is a totally realistic and accurate representation of the daily lived experience of every human being currently alive’,” she said. “But – brace yourself – it isn’t.”

She explained at length.

“Look at this photo of myself. Now, from this photo alone and no other information, you might easily think that I study in a skimpy bikini in the sun with books of different subjects all opened at the same time and strategically placed and turned to random pages while I pose in a super-uncomfortable yet sexy angle that accentuates my butt, flat, toned stomach and boobs,” she said. “But what if I told you that it was totally posed and took several dozen shots and careful post-editing to capture? It’s shocking and incredible to hear, I know, but that’s the truth.”

“And looking at any of the millions of photos on Instagram, you might think that every woman currently alive is a smokingly gorgeous perfect 10 with abs and boobs – but that just isn’t true. I mean, how is anyone supposed to figure that out on their own?”

And the disappointment doesn’t stop there.

“All those hashtags that we all think are there to accurately label and classify the images into neat categories that allow users to easily find content that suits their tastes and search criteria?” she asked. “Well, I hate to be the one to break this awful news, but actually they are just abused and piled up to try and get as many views and as much reach as possible, and often don’t even describe in any logical way at all what is in the photo.”

“I mean, I once used #goals #life #future #books #intellect #nerdy #dreams #workhard and #college on a selfie of me wearing glasses and holding a science textbook. How could anyone possibly have known that none of those tags actually meant anything?”

Kasselfey – who in real life is an overweight 42-year-old man who works in IT - has now sworn off the “narcissistic, self-obsessed, egotistical” Instagram, and has started a new campaign to try and create a more meaningful world that cares about other people.

“My new campaign features hundreds of photos of me in sexy poses that expose how shallow the whole thing is,” he explained. “We should care about things that truly matter, and not try to force the world to obsess about themselves or flood their spheres with endless pictures of themselves.

But despite this selfless awareness drive, public reaction has been mixed.

“I simply don’t believe it,” said one man. “You’re telling me that the vast majority of women aren’t oversaturated-colour-tinted models constantly wearing clothes that leave little to the imagination, and that all those photos weren’t taken in one spontaneous, off-the-cuff snap and hence don’t give a realistic depiction of real life? PSHT. Pull the other one.”

“I think it’s fantastic,” said a woman. “I’m not a size-zero supermodel, and so when I say that Instagram is fake and constructed, people just think I’m being a jealous, insecure hater bitch. I’m just glad that there’s someone much thinner and more beautiful than myself and thousands of other women who people will actually listen to about how women don’t look like that.”

But not all of the public is positive.

“She’s obviously lying,” said one angry commenter. “I mean, there’s no way it’s fake. Why would thousands of people spend hours on hair and make-up and positioning their Pina Colada very carefully on the edge of the table to get a perfect snap of the sunset, and dozens of minutes choosing the perfect filter to best exaggerate your image’s qualities? So that they can assuage their insecurity? So that they can garner more followers and possibly get asked to shoot a sponsored post that earns them thousands of dollars just to drink a cup of tea?”

“No ways – how gullible do you think I am? Next thing she’ll try to tell us that Wrestling is fake.”

Woman’s profile pic not fooling anyone

A woman was declared “obviously not attractive” today, after the internet came to a general consensus that her profile picture isn’t fooling anyone.

The black-and-white airbrushed image, which was carefully framed, lit and chosen out of four dozen other photos taken at around the same time, was uploaded yesterday evening to 26-year-old Megan Jenners’s Facebook profile – and all her friends agree that “this shit isn’t fooling anyone”.

“Yes, it’s a pretty photo. Yes, to the untrained eye that hasn’t seen her in real life, you might be fooled into thinking she’s attractive and then swiping right,” said the guy who follows her every update but hasn’t spoken to her in four years, Vuyo Rystic. “But let’s just admit the facts here: it’s a top-down, filter-heavy selfie that has clearly been put through the Instagram-photoshop wringer.”

Friends and followers of Jenners– even those on Twitter – have agreed.

“For me, my suspicions were raised when I saw the angle. I mean, it’s top-down and is filled with her face,” said one friend Jake Henderson shortly before liking it and commenting ‘omg so pretty u stuning babe’. “Why else would you want a full picture of your face as your profile picture unless you had a disgusting, corpulent and revoltingly grosteque mass underneath it that you wanted to hide no matter what?”

Others agree.

“No amount of BW correction and careful balancing of exposure and saturation can hide how much of a soulless, blackhearted skank Megan is,” said another friend, Erin Blakey, before hitting ‘like’. “I’ve read her statuses. She’s vapid and completely irritating and full of herself. Maybe I should post a passive-aggressive status about her?”

She followed this by adding “no, on second thoughts I shouldn’t” and “the two-faced bitch might realise who I was talking about.”

According to online researchers, much of the anger stems from its inherent insincere dishonesty.

“When it comes to Social Media, I think we can all agree that the most important, central tenet is honesty and truth,” said media analyst Eric Henderson. “So when she posted these quasi-blurry, pseudo-artistic selfies of herself and tried to pretend she was someone she wasn’t, she broke the cardinal rule of the internet: never lie to people.”

“In their eyes, this publication of a falsehood is a deep and hurtful mockery of the thought-provoking articles, provocative philosophical debates, and cat pictures they share,” he explained. “To the untrained eye, it might seem like all these people commenting on the picture think she is, quote, ‘gorjuz’ and ‘totes hawt girl’, but we all tacitly know what they’re really saying.”

However, not everyone agrees.

“Oh, I dunno, bro,” said one man. “I mean, I would still definitely bang her.”

The top ten most drop-dead sexy dictators of all time

Let’s face it: when it comes to making the world stop in its tracks, there are just some men whose badboy, counterculture devilish charm, wit and looks make us weak at the knees more than other men could even dream! Now, thanks to the tried, tested, flawless and sciencetifically perfect method of online personality quizzes, we have the top ten, drop-dead dictators. Let the countdown begin!

1. Kim Jong-Il

   

   That sultry stare, that manly chin… North Korean Heartthrob and Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Il is so hot it’s a crime against humanity. While not the highest scoring contender, his creativity and charm are more than a match for most men – even if those who try to compete are imprisoned and forced into labour camps. A country worships him, and merely his presence makes millions hungry for a bite; and we can see why.

   
   
   

2. Bashar al-Assad

   

   A bit of a Jealous John, but that is what defines him! Look at his worldwide celebrity: he ardently defends his political views, finds innovative ways to interrogate criminals, is to people what Buzzfeed is to online content, and has his very own secret police force that can watch you at all moments of the day. Whether, you’re surfing the web or writing a blog, you’ll always know this guardian angel is looking over your shoulder.

   
   
   

3. Idi Amin Dada

   

   Even though this iconic badboy military ruler was the Ugandan president for only eight years, thousands still remember Idi Amin Dada’s ineffable wit and charm. His intelligence makes him a definite keeper – but he takes eighth in our list because of his jealous tendencies. You can try tame this black panther is you want, but just be careful: nearly half a million people can tell you that kitty has claws.

   
   
   

4. Gaddafi

   

   "Public Enemy No. 1”? “The Mad Dog of the Middle East"? We don’t know about that, but he has us foaming at the mouth. Woof, woof, arrooo! Who let the dogs out? Libyan style-king and supreme ruler (of fashion!) Muammar Muhammad Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi scores a solid seventh.

   
   
   

5. Allatoyah Ali Kha

   

   That beard! Just look at it! What is more rugged, more undeniably sexy, than a man in a beard? Nothing – except a man who takes charge and isn’t afraid to face societal wrath for his beliefs. For just ten minutes in a dark room with this sagely love master, we’d also ban music or denounce homosexuality as a Western disease!

   
   
   

6. Ho Chi Minh

   

   He’s courageous, tenacious, loving, and not scared to take what is rightfully his. Most people wouldn’t execute thousands and thousands of people over a Land Reform program, but badboy Hot Cheeks Minh just doesn’t play by the rules. Even at five, he's a keeper.

   
   
   

7. Omar al-Bashir

   

   This Sudanese President ended a civil war and was thought to be a noble and fair man – perhaps he can help bring peace to all the ladies who must be at each other’s throats for a little piece of action with the Bash Master? What is it about Masterminds of ethic cleansing and mass genocide that just make us feel so naughty? It’s that guilty feeling you get doing something you know you shouldn’t!

   
   
   

8. Josef Stalin

   

   Leader of a people, progressive thinker, revolutionary icon and total master of photoshop (who is Lenin anyway?), this Ruskie Hunk will make you want to overthrow the bourgeoisie and Great Purge your heart of every other man you’ve ever had eyes for and throw them in Gulag where all the inferior male specimens are kept.

   
   
   

9. Adolf Hilter

   

   You knew this one had to be here somewhere. Adolf Hitler (or should that be “Adonis Hit-me-baby-one-more-time-ler”?) is to breath-taking tyrants what black culture was to Miley Cyrus and what shitty adverts were to Andy Warhol: the source, the muse, the OG Mac Daddy. Effective, passionately committed, bold in the face of his critics, and great with animals, Adorable Hitl-ey is a keeper, whether he is painting you watercolours of Vienna’s picturesque sights, holding your hand, or helping you kill yourself so that you can be together forever outside of a hateful society that doesn’t understand or accept your illicit love.

   

   *Unfortunately he doesn’t take Number One because of a lot of controversy surrounding his past - especially his stint with Amphetamines during that dark, dark spring of 1942. Some things we just aren’t comfortable with

   
   
   The one you’ve all been waiting for! Here it is ladies!
   

10. Mao Zedong

    

    The Republic of China will never forget him – and neither will you. Look at that soft, adorable face! Look at his thirst for power! This buxom badass is not afraid to speak his mind – whether its defending his views against parents who think he shouldn’t follow his dreams or indiscriminately sentencing millions to death, Zedong wins us hook, line and sinker. oh, and what about “Zedong”, you ask? Well, let’s just say it’s Mao-ssive.

    
    
    

    All Pics: wikimedia commons. Ratings from wwwfollowland.com. Picture of Hitler from Bundesarchiv, Bild 183-S33882 / CC-BY-SA. Picture of Mao Zedong from Richard Fisher

Russian hard diplomacy could threaten illegal downloads, mail order brides – America Political Analysts

Thousands of anxious Americans packed the streets across the state capital this morning in an act of widespread protest against hard-ball diplomacy against Russian leaders, after Political Analysts realised how this kind of foreign diplomacy could influence their ability to illegally download the latest episode of Game of Thrones or order a wife over the internet.

“We’re all worried,” said local placard-waver John Wilken. “This move by our government has us all worried about far-reaching political and social repercussions, like how I’m supposed to get my next fix of medieval porn-drama-fantasy that is filled with absurd amounts of characters, strange made-up languages and full-frontal nudity.”

He added that “I just really need to know when that piece of shit Joffrey is going to die. I’m not an HBO subscriber, and if Obama’s policies cut me off… well, I don’t know what I’ll do. Lose my mind and shoot up a school most likely. At least it’s still easy to buy a gun, Praise Jesus.”

However, protesters said that these worries were “among the most trivial and smallest”.

“The real issue here isn’t as flippant as downloading HBO episodes of fantasy dark-ages political murder porn,” said protest organiser Jerry Halfords, “but rather about what is going to happen in the new season of Suits, or Homeland.”

Political experts have agreed that the protest’s worries are valid.

“Most seeders and film-rippers and camcord owners are Russian,” said Head of the Department of Politics at Rhodes Unversity Dr Mally Satthews. “Just think how this will affect the supply of hot, sex-hungry young brides, or people to screw with on public DOTA 2 servers? If relations between these two powerhouses – East and West - become any more tense, Americans might be forced to marry each other, or yell hateful diatribes about being ‘Feeder noobs’ at Spanish or Chinese people.”

The international Russian Brides industry, which is reportedly worth over four billion dollars globally, has in the past taken massive knocks due to internet paranoia, and industry experts are now worried that the trade might be stopped entirely.

"Last year bride suppliers in Russia reported stunning financial losses," said Industry analyst and Economics lecturer Prof Eits Ahndloss. "If the same happens this year, we might see a future where women aren't shipped around the world and sold like animals into church-sanctioned indentured servitude. God forbid that dark day should come."

In spite of all this, Obama remained steadfast in his attitude toward the “commie pricks”.

“I urge all Americans to support me and your country in this endeavour,” he said, before adding that if you wanted to know what’s going to happen in GOT, you should just read the book or something.

"I mean, would paying for a song in the iTunes store every once in a while really kill you?”

Girl “really starting to abuse” guy’s friendship

A local area man is reportedly at the end of his tether today, after he told reporters that Jessica Heiders, 23, who still hasn’t slept with him despite his kind actions and thoughtful attitude towards her for a number of years now, is starting to abuse his “sincere and honest friendship.”

Eric Jackson says he first met the part-time student and full-time heartless ice queen at a school social between their high schools three years ago. According to Jackon, he was immediately smitten.

“She was as beautiful as an overused comparative metaphor that describes how beautiful something is,” he said. The romantic and spontaneous meet-cute between them, when he tagged along with his mates to meet a bunch of chicks, was definitely true love, he recalls. “She spoke to me and she had a Y chromosome - she was perfect! Plus we like ALL the same things. She likes the Beatles and I like the Beatles. She likes food – holy crap, I looooove food. She loves Taylor Swift, oh my god, I absolutely love pretending that I love Taylor Swift!”

It was only after they ended up at the same university, however, that he knew it was really meant to be.

“I mean, of all the tertiary education institutes to apply for to read for a degree in Journalism and Media Studies, she picks Rhodes University. What are the CHANCES?!?!?!”

Jackson’s hopes, however, were soon dashed, after Heiders started showing her exploitative, manipulative colours.

“Every morning at Res Breakfast for the past three years now I’ve sat with her and chatted about her dreams and her ambitions in life, her deepest fears and anxieties, her struggles with her alcoholic dad and her depressed mom, and also about where she sees herself in ten years not just as a career woman, but as a fully-fledged being in this mixed-up and confusing world,” he said, “and still she hasn’t slept with me. I just don’t get it.”

He added that to date not a single even vaguely sexual action had occurred between them – this even despite him writing about her in his diary on a daily basis, and composing long, multi-stanza poems dedicated to her.

“She can’t see honest and sincere I am, that I would never want to hurt her and how I’m always there for her,” he said to reporters. “Instead she just hooks up with all these other douchebags. Like, guys who play musical instruments or have so-called ‘confidence’ and who waste all their time playing sports and doing gym stuff. I mean, what do they have that I don’t? You know, except self-confidence, anything vaguely classifiable as ‘sex appeal’ or knowledge of how poetry should be written beyond a cliché and monotonous A-A-B-B-C-C flat rhyme scheme?”

Jackson has now told reporters that he is no longer sure whether or not being a true friend with no ulterior motives is a good strategy for having a right proper shag with her.

“I just don’t know anymore,” he said. “Maybe I should start being an arsehole? Like, only pretend to care about her as a person while all time the only thing I want to do is have a cheap shag? That’s what all those other moron douche kings do to her.”

However, many of his friends have strongly defended him, saying that it is not his fault, but that the blame rests entirely on her leading-him-on shoulders.

“All these years of being her shoulder to cry on, the guy who will never betray her, and still she hasn’t even touched his dick. Clearly, the bitch doesn’t understand the concept of romantic feelings towards other people,” they said in a joint statement. “Everyone knows that when you like a person that much then that person is obliged to return those feelings. Simple.”

Starting tomorrow, Fuller is now set to embark on long, snide rants about giving up on love in the face of her heartless and hurtful apathy, before moving on to spouting embittered and ennui-fuelled diatribes of cognitive dissonance later this week, mostly about how he “didn’t even really like her that much anyway.”

Bigot girlfriend “definitely too hot” to dump

Following hours of late-night tossing and turning, restless consternation and agonising weighing up of pros and cons, local man Jeremy Thimble came to a final decision early this morning, telling reporters that despite his girlfriend’s small-minded and bigoted view of race relations and her ignorant and racist outlook on life, she was still “definitely too good looking” to consider breaking up with.

”I’ll be honest here, I’ve done the math,” he said, showing us the glass shower door where he used a knob of soap to write up a rough list of his significant other’s good and bad qualities while taking a too-long and slightly depressing hot shower. “Racist, small-minded, doesn’t like reading or books, overly obsessed with fashion and celebrity scandal, judgemental, narcisstic – any one of these things would be an immediate red flag with other girls who aren’t a 9.283. But Jess isn’t most girls – you can see that from her Facebook photos, which I know all my friends creep.”

Jeremy also added that she “gives a pretty mean blowjob”.

”I’m not saying that’s the deal breaker,” he explained, “but it is on the table. I’m just putting it out there.”

Jeremy first met 25-year-old bombshell Jessica Saunders at a rugby game at her old high school, where she spent five years being too attractive to have time to get a personality or real people skills beyond a beautiful, expensive-dentistry smile.

Meanwhile, experts in being good looking have confirmed the man’s position and agreed with his press release, saying the science “speaks for itself.”

”Let’s just be frank,” said Idtapdatologist Jake Heders, who co-authored the controversial study outlining the intricate base-ten sexual attractiveness rating formula with Jacob Louw, originator of the infamous 'Louw's Constant'. “He’s batting way out of his league. He’s maybe a low seven, if he gels up his hair and wears a kiff leather jacket and ignores anything in the gym that works legs or anything remotely dissimilar to biceps and chest. She, on the other hand, is a 9.283, which is objectively and scientifically as hot as a person can realistically be. So what if she can’t stand being a bar with black people? Have you taken a look at her figure recently?”

In response to the ennui he feels over being a shallow douche, Heders recommends Thimble keep as many photos – especially half-nude bathroom selfies showing off the countless hours she spends in the gym – in his wallet, on his phone wallpaper, in this profile picture, or even in photo frames around the house.

”Basically everywhere possible,” he said, “to remind himself that, despite how bad things might feel and despite what a spineless shitbag he feels like, he’s still outbatting his best mates.”

And despite controversy in the Idtapdatology community, experts are unanimous in their reaction.

”Dumping her? Definitely out of the question, bro,” they agreed in a statement. “I mean, sure you might feel some pride in having stood up for the rights of others and against hateful discrimination, but one of your friends who cares less about her flaws will definitely snatch her up asap, starting off this whole miserable cycle once more.”

”Besides,” he added, “morals, ethics and personal integrity, and a strong, principled character are nice, but when was the last time you got any nookie from your personal integrity or a bunch of commendable virtues?”