Russian hard diplomacy could threaten illegal downloads, mail order brides – America Political Analysts

Thousands of anxious Americans packed the streets across the state capital this morning in an act of widespread protest against hard-ball diplomacy against Russian leaders, after Political Analysts realised how this kind of foreign diplomacy could influence their ability to illegally download the latest episode of Game of Thrones or order a wife over the internet.

“We’re all worried,” said local placard-waver John Wilken. “This move by our government has us all worried about far-reaching political and social repercussions, like how I’m supposed to get my next fix of medieval porn-drama-fantasy that is filled with absurd amounts of characters, strange made-up languages and full-frontal nudity.”

He added that “I just really need to know when that piece of shit Joffrey is going to die. I’m not an HBO subscriber, and if Obama’s policies cut me off… well, I don’t know what I’ll do. Lose my mind and shoot up a school most likely. At least it’s still easy to buy a gun, Praise Jesus.”

However, protesters said that these worries were “among the most trivial and smallest”.

“The real issue here isn’t as flippant as downloading HBO episodes of fantasy dark-ages political murder porn,” said protest organiser Jerry Halfords, “but rather about what is going to happen in the new season of Suits, or Homeland.”

Political experts have agreed that the protest’s worries are valid.

“Most seeders and film-rippers and camcord owners are Russian,” said Head of the Department of Politics at Rhodes Unversity Dr Mally Satthews. “Just think how this will affect the supply of hot, sex-hungry young brides, or people to screw with on public DOTA 2 servers? If relations between these two powerhouses – East and West - become any more tense, Americans might be forced to marry each other, or yell hateful diatribes about being ‘Feeder noobs’ at Spanish or Chinese people.”

The international Russian Brides industry, which is reportedly worth over four billion dollars globally, has in the past taken massive knocks due to internet paranoia, and industry experts are now worried that the trade might be stopped entirely.

"Last year bride suppliers in Russia reported stunning financial losses," said Industry analyst and Economics lecturer Prof Eits Ahndloss. "If the same happens this year, we might see a future where women aren't shipped around the world and sold like animals into church-sanctioned indentured servitude. God forbid that dark day should come."

In spite of all this, Obama remained steadfast in his attitude toward the “commie pricks”.

“I urge all Americans to support me and your country in this endeavour,” he said, before adding that if you wanted to know what’s going to happen in GOT, you should just read the book or something.

"I mean, would paying for a song in the iTunes store every once in a while really kill you?”

Internet mistrust causes widespread dismay

A new study has shown that internet mistrust and skepticism has caused millions lost in revenue and much personal disappointment among the net’s users.

The study, done by Rhodes University Dean of Computer Science Tom Hakker, has covered a wide range of subjects, drawing on personal interviews conducted around the world.

"Statistically, 86.57% of people believe that 91.232% of all the statistics they hear on the internet are false."

According to the study, some 400 000 Russian brides have spent the last decade or so sad and desperately lonely. “There are literally thousands of beautiful women with great cooking skills and voracious sexual appetites being ignored on a daily basis,” said Hacker, flipping through the massive thesis on his desk.

“All I want is for man to make happy long life with me,” said interviewee would-be bride Katja Kokoff, who is a five-star chef, international supermodel, and has recently been diagnosed with nymphomania. “I message many man saying I want for make marriage, but they never respond.”

Katja is one of the many beautiful, smart, talented, sensitive, loving brides who live in constant loneliness.

This trend has affected struggling online businesses too. Local online business magnate Celine Stuftouya has reported massive lost revenues.

“I have a wide variety of products and services for sale, and not even a single item is moving,” she said. “In desperation, I’ve had to resort to trying to give away free iPad 3s and huge, all-expenses-paid trips overseas, but even that has failed.”

Business expert Crun Chinumbers agrees, saying that the amount of free stuff that businesses try to give away that doesn’t get claimed is just shocking.

"People just don't believe in a free lunch anymore," he said, saying that it was probably due to rising cynicism due to Youtube arguments and News24 comments.

Other businessmen have aired similar exasperation.

"I make $5000 a day from being online,” said online entrepreneur Ian Ternet. “All I want to do is share my money-making secrets online, but everyone thinks it’s a trick. It reminds me of the time I found this life-changing penis-enlargement cream and this 100% guaranteed workout programme that gives you rock-hard killer abs in just 3 days. I was so excited that I emailed thousands of people, trying to change their lives forever, and I didn’t even get a handful of responses. Either everyone in the world is hung like Chuck Norris and is more ripped than Zuma’s arms deal paperwork, or no one trusts anyone on the internet anymore,” he said.

Even banks have been affected.

"Many of our tellers email our clients asking for their account numbers and PIN numbers. For some reason, they think it's a ruse," said head of Stranded Bank, Jane Phisher.

Even since its invention in the 1980s by Al Gore, the internet has seen a shocking downturn of trust.
Trust levels on the web are now as low as The Black Eyed Peas' originality.

Son of deposed Nigerian King and Oil tycoon, Ido Nwanashair, has also complained bitterly that he can’t share his father’s fortune.

“Thanks to the backwards Nigerian banking system, for me to clear my inheritance I need to transfer it to another international account first. It’s a dumb loophole that has caused me endless misery. I’ve become so desperate that I’ve even offered to share the billions with whoever helps me out, but even that couldn’t convince them that it was a bone fide offer,” he said.

Since the study’s publication, The Internet Lottery Association has released a public statement saying that millions of dollars go unclaimed everyday in online lotteries.

“We have run European lotteries, US lotteries, UK lotteries, and have even allowed people not from those states to take part and stand a chance to win billions. We’ve even dropped the winning odds so that they’re guaranteed to win, but still no one signs up. It’s heartbreaking,” said ILA spokesman Lyon Tou-Hevriuan.

The lottery, however, is not the only competition to be affected by surfers' skepticism. According to Jim Hussler, CEO of online competition website wanttowin.com, they've had almost zero participation.

"We do everything we can to make entering the competition as easy as possible. We make huge, flashing buttons that scream out that they've won millions of dollar and all-expenses-paid vacations on Cruise Liners, but nothing. Hell, we even changed our programming so that everyone who visits our site is the 'millionth customer'. We can't even give these prizes away," he said.

Even the global sphere of welfare has taken a massive hit.

"We've recently come up with new, technologically awe-inspiring methods to solve all the world's problems," said head of international welfare organisation "Like if you're against cancer/animal abuse/world hunger/poverty" (LIYACAWP), Tom Lykinkomment.

"Our team of quantum scientists have broken the barrier of quantum dynamics, allowing us to transfer cures from digital information. We have embedded solutions to all the world's problems into relevant pictures, such as that of a dying dolphin, starving child, or kid with no hair. All we need is a million likes," he explained.

One of the millions of images created by LIYACAWP
Source: scalablemedia.com

So far, the campaign has been fruitless.

"We've had maybe a couple of hundred thousand likes, but there are a lot of hateful, mistrusting people online who think it's all a stupid waste of time that helps no one and distracts from meaningful, real activism and awareness campaigns. It's these people who are keeping the world a sick, damaged place."