Chinese spy agency awards highest honour to pedantic, finicky management team

Local spy agencies are on damage control this morning, after the Chinese secret service awarded China’s highest honour to a group of citizens for “their tireless and intricate efforts to derail the capitalist machine at every imaginable moment.”

A spokesperson for the secret agency – which doesn’t have a name, because that’s the whole point of a secret – said that the indefatigable work of Judy McKennen from HR, senior manager Mike Kromanaj and Bob from Accounting to “disrupt and waylay every step of the Western Capitalist ideology with unnecessary Red Tape, endless bureaucracy that boggles common sense, and an unceasing wave of forms, authorisation requests and subcommittee deliberations” was “inspiring to all anti-capitalist patriots and worthy of the Gold Star of The People’s Republic.”

“When it comes to Judy, Mike and Bob’s stance against the disgusting and hateful Capitalist system, no effort is wasted,” said the agency in a declassified statement yesterday. “Whether it’s requiring that all paperwork be filled out in triplicate and each paged initialed and countersigned by the heads of management, or that carbon copies of all minutia be collated and in alphabetic – not chronological – order, these three have the capitalist pigs in their cross-hairs.”

The agency now says that not even their best agents could so effectively halt and hinder good, positive business practices that would otherwise bring order, efficiency and sanity to the work environment.

“They take it to the next level – a level our field operatives could never in their wildest dreams consider possible,” they continued. “Having three-hour-long meetings that deliberate the syntax and semantics of what are in effect trivial policy documents before deferring the matter to a three-week subcommittee inquiry; micromanaging employees to an extent where even the most menial and basic of tasks – such as stacking boxes – can’t be done without oversight; or making sure that all documents of extreme importance are lost, subjected to massive delays or simply filled in incorrectly – this team has the Communist agenda’s manifesto right at its heart.”

And it’s not just the management team that was awarded this prestigious medal – the Honourable People’s Star of Devotion (an equally important award) was given to Erik in sales.

“Erik is also a true patriot,” said the agency at the awards ceremony. “He takes hours to complete even the most simply job, breaks tool and equipment, wastes company time and resources, steals their stationary, and always has to double- and triple-check with management before doing literally anything. And then, after coming in late, fourteen coffee breaks and two hours wasted on social media, he clocks off for an early lunch.”

“And the most surprising thing is that Erik isn’t even on our list of active agents, yet he does our work so well,” said the agency. “The only reasonable explanation we can think of is that he is one of code-red operatives so deeply embedded in the imperialist West that not even we know he’s working for us.”

“I mean, surely no thinking human being could ever be this wilfully shit at their job? Right?”

10 bits of “mean” job advice from your boss that are actually life lessons in disguise

Anyone who has ever had a job knows that bosses can be tough. Demanding. Assertive. Slightly dick-ish.

But even in the toughest of times, there is always a life lesson that will help you on the path to being a better employee and person. Take my boss for example: if you dig past the hard, thorny exterior, you are sure to find some memorable gems.

Underneath that gruff, brash, total-contempt-for-everything-you-are exterior lies a soft marshmallow core that truly cares about you. No matter how much it might seem like he utterly despises you – and even if he did say those exact words to you in the staff bathroom three days ago – really, deep down inside, he values your effort and wants to see you excel.

Here are the Top Ten lessons that every boss wants you to learn.

1. “Are you stupid or what? Seriously, are you fucking retarded?”




On the surface, this daily question might seem aimed at decimating your ever-depleting reserves self-respect and confidence. But what he’s really trying to ask you it to be self-aware. Know your limitations. Before you start a task he’s given you, as yourself whether you are really fit for this kind of menial labour? Do you possess the basic skill and know-how that will enable you to succeed in whatever insurmountable responsibility he throws at you, be it making forty-six photocopies of Friday’s minutes or sweeping up the mess in the goddamn storeroom?



2. “I’ll just do it – you’ll probably fuck it up”

Delegation and intimate knowledge of your employee’s skill base is crucial. A true leader doesn’t let even the smallest detail go unattended – even if that means going into the employee break room and making a big show of doing that small job in front of anyone to show how you’d have to be truly and unbelievably imbecilic to fail at it; or making certain to mention to Karyn in reception how much of a utterly incompetent half-witted baboon you are.



3. I said 'three', Jesus, can’t you fucking count?”




In the professional workspace, arithmetic is a key skill, as even the smallest totally understandable human error is egregious and unacceptable. It doesn’t matter how many individual items (78, to be exact, but who is counting?) were on that list of items that needed to be taken from the storehouse and stacked, in order of size, not alphabetically or numerically, in dispatch all the way across the lot, or that the print-out was unclear and looked like a 5 because of the cheap ink they fill the shared copier with to save money – these tiny mistakes are impermissible. Learn the maths good and you’ll never fail!



4. “Look at what you’ve fucking done now. Are you happy now?”




Observe your faults. Learn from them. And remember that tiny distinctions are important, even where the directives or instructions relayed to you are so completely vague that major misinterpretation is very, very likely. Mistakes happens, yes, but maybe increased concentration on the task at hand could avert disaster. And also, just maybe, you’re “total scum, Jesus, why didn’t I just hire a brain-dead Pomeranian?”



5. “Jesus Christ I’ve worked with untrained monkeys more capable than you”




Knowledge of your employer’s work history can be a potential career booster. It might seem like a really small thing, but knowing that, in the past, your employer has done charity work with brain-dead chimps that are smarter than you, or that on several occasions he has had the opportunity to work with developmentally challenged children that make you look like Mr fucking Magoo or something, could be just the thing to show your interest and investment in the company – and this could translate into a raise, promotiton, or even some basic human decency.



6. “If you died today I don’t think anyone would even miss you or notice you are gone”




What wise words – which of us hasn’t’ thought about our fragile existence, our small, insignificant place in the world? Constantly reminding ourselves that this – all of this – is just temporary is important. And then it makes you wonder about how you spend your time – do you put the rest of miserable life through this job? Or do you take a stand and make a brighter place for the whole world?



7. “What are you doing in my office?”




Boundaries must be drawn to establish lines of communication and facilitate effective team work. Not only to workspaces show easy-to-distinguish categorisations of work divisions, but the closed doors and drawn shutters that separate private workspaces also offer employees a quiet and distraction-free work environment to get on with the job at hand, whatever it might be.



8. “What is that? In your hand? Jesus, is a knife?”




Visual acuity and quick-thinking are vital skills. Being able to speedily identify products, brands, and make calculated estimations of the situation around you is so crucial – and not just for powerful business acumen or quick-witted identification of sales opportunities: it’s also often beneficial for your own health and safety.



9. “Oh god no, please don’t kill me, Jesus I’m begging you, I’m sorry I’m sorryerghhhhhh”




Being able to identify your mistakes quickly and attempt to take quick action to make up for them so as to effectively control damage and fallout is a vital talent. Even where there is no possibility for retribution or resolution on the mistake in question, it is a skill that builds confidence and upholds an atmosphere of professionalism. Negotiation skills – no matter the field of expertise – are always a plus, even if those negotiations end in tears.



10. “Hey, new guy, ya fuckin retard, go get me a cup of coffee”




In-depth research into your employee’s work history and their actions leading up to their new position at your place of business can avoid many stressful or just plain unnecessary situations. Information on a resume can be faked, and identity fraud is increasingly easy these days. Often just a quick check on Google or search through public records via a quick inquiry at your local police station can prevent a world of trouble and pain. After all, you never know when a lack of the most basic prudence into sourcing employment might come back to haunt you.

Especially in this cut-throat industry.

Man opens restaurant after thinking up hilarious food pun

Local IT technician and part-time blogger Eric Muller is reportedly excited today, having unveiled to the media his plan to open a new small café restaurant after he thought of a “really hilarious” pun centred around food yesterday afternoon.

“I was just walking along, minding my own business, eating an egg, polony and cheese sandwich, when a friend commented on how disgusting my sandwich looked,” he said rapidly, stuttering every few seconds he was so fired up.

“I told him that it was the only edible thing I could make with the ingredients remaining in my cupboard, and that was when it hit me. Eggers can’t be Cheesers. God, I’m a genius.”

Muller now joins over 2000 other small businesses, food stalls and quirky art shops across the country with similarly clever names. Such restaurants account for over 53% of all income in small towns across the nation.

“I haven’t really figured out where I’ll open it, what my business plan is or how I’ll secure funding, and I don’t really know anything about cooking or the food industry,” he said, “but I think I’ve got the most important element figured out. The rest should just come along by itself.”

However, his announcement has been met by scepticism from the clever-pun-business community, saying that his plan is “entirely inadequate.”

“He needs a lot more than just a clever name,” said co-owner of extermination company No More Mr Mice Guy, Jeffery Smokes. “He also needs a clever, well-designed logo and really cool overalls. Otherwise, he’s doomed to fail.”

Others, such as Jake Harding (owner of local fruit and veg stall Melon Cauli) and Callen Buffalo (owner of alcohol outlet Liquor Bru) agree.

“You need dedication and commitment to survive in this industry,” they said. “Whether that means having the ability to come up with clever weekly or daily specials on the menu that are also really clever puns, or employing a very self-aware brand of humour for the curios, trinkets and memorabilia you sell in your wife’s store inside the shop, you need to be on your game.”

Readers wanting to know more on this story can check out our new website, www.SickAndSatired.com

Satan announces plans to expand Hell

Following reiterations by the major religions of the world concerning who would burn for all eternity for their sins, the Dark Lord has announced that they have been forced to begin expansions to the endless bonfire of damnation.

Hell, currently the home of endless anguish to some 5 billion souls, just isn't big enough to deal with these expected numbers, said Lucifer.

The Underlord of Anguish and Misery first started his small business 6000 years ago, after disagreements led him to his retirement and banishment from his last job at Pearly Gates, Inc. It is now the largest not-for-profit (and also not-for-prophet) self-starter organisation in existence.

"Me and the boss there had a tiff a few thousand years ago, but I think it was all for the better," he said, reclining on his atheist-skin couch. 

"We've had a booming industry in the past few millenia, and we only expect to get bigger as more religions come up."

When asked which religion he was accepting into his pits of torment, he smiled.

"We're not like that other place. We don't discriminate. If you fuck up up there, you're fucked down here. Sometimes literally," he said, pointing out a device that we won't describe except to say that it looks like it causes assloads of pain.

The move has come just in time: recently the Vatican confirmed that atheists are definitely going to hell.

"We weren't too worried about that. The Church has always been pretty clear on what happens to people who have the nerve and cheek to hold different opinions to them," he said, sipping the blood of unChristened infants.

"We've always accounted for those numbers, just as we've accounted for the people who are probably coming here because they're selfish misguided assholes who hide prejudice behind a thin veil of religious indoctrination. Besides, there's a lot more room here than people think, especially since gay people aren't coming here. Yeah, they aren't. Fucking deal with it."

Still, they've had to expand, and have even rented space on Rhodes University. 

"It's SWOT week right now over there," he said. "Hell comes in many shapes and sizes."

The Vatican could not be reached for comment. Goddamn Vodacom signal.

Vodacom to expand across Africa.

Cellular service giant Vodacom has this morning announced plans to extend its reach across three new African countries by 2014.

Experts now predict that there will be millions of new cellphone users being eternally pissed off at their cellphones in a countries ranging from the Democratic Republic of Congo and Tanzania to Mozambique and Lesotho.

"This is a marvelous new opportunity," said expansion coordinator Lotsa Prophits. "We've fulfilled our mandate of giving kind of service sometimes in all the major cities in South Africa. It's time to do the same in other countries."

Prophits also pointed out the company benefits of such a move.

Vodacom is really looking forward to giving great service to the people of other countries NOT

"In an age where an sms actually costs nothing at all to transmit between carriers, we're looking forward to raking in ridiculous amounts of cash in places other than South Africa," he said. "I'm really looking forward to finally getting my three-year-old son that private jet he wants so badly."

The Department of International Affairs has also applauded the decision, saying that it is a massive step forward for diversity and multicultural respect.

"Now we just won't hear people bitching about terrible BBIS service in just isiXhosa, English or Zulu," said Minister of IA, Zen Hofobea. "Now we'll hear exotic and diverse exclamations of general shittiness in Swahili and Portuguese."

However, the banks of South Africa have raised concerns, saying that their money pits aren't big enough to handle these new volumes of hard, sweet cash.

"We used to have a lot of space in the chasms of our bank, but these have been quite unexpectedly filled by Government Ministers, Tenderpreneurs, Fat Cats, ridiculous banking charges some of our most valued customers. We just don't think we'll be able to handle the lucrative amount of flippin' hard currency that is going to come."

When reached for comment, the CEO of Vodacom Brad Signal said, "The mobile subscriber you have dialled, is currently unavailable, but you'll still pay for this short message. Thanks for the money, and for continuing to unhesitatingly accept bloated telecommunications charges."