Local spy agencies are on damage control this morning, after the Chinese secret service awarded China’s highest honour to a group of citizens for “their tireless and intricate efforts to derail the capitalist machine at every imaginable moment.”
A spokesperson for the secret agency – which doesn’t have a name, because that’s the whole point of a secret – said that the indefatigable work of Judy McKennen from HR, senior manager Mike Kromanaj and Bob from Accounting to “disrupt and waylay every step of the Western Capitalist ideology with unnecessary Red Tape, endless bureaucracy that boggles common sense, and an unceasing wave of forms, authorisation requests and subcommittee deliberations” was “inspiring to all anti-capitalist patriots and worthy of the Gold Star of The People’s Republic.”
“When it comes to Judy, Mike and Bob’s stance against the disgusting and hateful Capitalist system, no effort is wasted,” said the agency in a declassified statement yesterday. “Whether it’s requiring that all paperwork be filled out in triplicate and each paged initialed and countersigned by the heads of management, or that carbon copies of all minutia be collated and in alphabetic – not chronological – order, these three have the capitalist pigs in their cross-hairs.”
The agency now says that not even their best agents could so effectively halt and hinder good, positive business practices that would otherwise bring order, efficiency and sanity to the work environment.
“They take it to the next level – a level our field operatives could never in their wildest dreams consider possible,” they continued. “Having three-hour-long meetings that deliberate the syntax and semantics of what are in effect trivial policy documents before deferring the matter to a three-week subcommittee inquiry; micromanaging employees to an extent where even the most menial and basic of tasks – such as stacking boxes – can’t be done without oversight; or making sure that all documents of extreme importance are lost, subjected to massive delays or simply filled in incorrectly – this team has the Communist agenda’s manifesto right at its heart.”
And it’s not just the management team that was awarded this prestigious medal – the Honourable People’s Star of Devotion (an equally important award) was given to Erik in sales.
“Erik is also a true patriot,” said the agency at the awards ceremony. “He takes hours to complete even the most simply job, breaks tool and equipment, wastes company time and resources, steals their stationary, and always has to double- and triple-check with management before doing literally anything. And then, after coming in late, fourteen coffee breaks and two hours wasted on social media, he clocks off for an early lunch.”
“And the most surprising thing is that Erik isn’t even on our list of active agents, yet he does our work so well,” said the agency. “The only reasonable explanation we can think of is that he is one of code-red operatives so deeply embedded in the imperialist West that not even we know he’s working for us.”
“I mean, surely no thinking human being could ever be this wilfully shit at their job? Right?”
