“You are utterly boring” – NSA

After decades of bugging, phone- and wire-tapping, covert surveillance, back-door email hacking and in-depth scrutiny of all your personal and private data, the United States National Security Agency has arrived at the absolutely certain conclusion that you are “unremarkable, undangerous, and in all likelihood destined to have no real meaningful or noticeable bearing or impact on the general course of human history whatsoever.”

“If you look at the data, at just a single glance, you might be lead to thinking that you are just another mediocre, basically negligible example of the human race,” said Lead Commissioner of the NSA operations, Sir Vey Lance, “and actually you’d be 100% correct.”

He went on to add that “nothing about you at all sounds like someone who would make the history books.

“Seriously. I know the media likes to kick up a huge scare about terrorists and bombs and threats and one never knowing who is good and who is bad, but in all likelihood you’ll just go on living your normal boring life, go on posting meaningless irrevelencies on your normal boring facebook wall, have normal boring children with a normal boring wife, and then die," he said with a noncommittal shrug. "Probably at an average age of a disease normal to your age and demographic – like cancer, or heart failure.”

Upon hearing the news US President Barack Obama said that he was “very pleased” with the news, but “kinda knew all along where this investigation was going.”

“The NSA and the billions of dollars we give it every year have done an incredible, time-consuming and ultimately foregone-conclusion piece of work,” he said pretending to read the words off a piece of paper at the White House this afternoon. “Countless hours have been slogged out so that the American people can rest assured that you’re not really worth paying attention to, and certainly not in any way a potential or credible threat to national security.”

However, many critics have refuted the claims as “hasty” and “sorely mistaken”.

“We have looked at the data and disagree entirely,” said chief critics of the study Your Mom and Your Dad. “You are special,” read the joint statement. “Special to us.”

Meanwhile, the NSA have said they will continue monitoring your email “just in case”.

“Who knows what a terrorist really looks like? Certainly not us,” said Lance. “We’re not going to take the chance.”

RICA intercepts spy texts

pic: Alton, at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Texting.jpg

South African Secret Services have been left reeling this morning after communications monitoring act RICA intercepted thousands of heavily encrypted spy messages cleverly hidden as stupid, meaningless, badly-spelled texts.


The Registration and Interception of Communications Act, or better known as "that fucking thing that means I need ten thousand reams of paperwork to buy a phone" successfully intercepted these messages sent on various instant-messaging platforms such as Brokeberry Messenger (BBM) and WhatsApp messenger.

According to Security Specialist and Decryption Expert Hiddin Meenin, many incriminating and covert messages were discovered on these platforms.

"Our suspicions were first raised when we discovered thousands upon thousands of horrifically constructed messages utterly devoid of any real grammar, punctuation, or syntax," he said. "Why would anyone be this stupid and completely ignore the basic rules of talking to another human being? Unless... unless they were trying to hide something."

Security experts were shocked by what they found.

"Some of these spies - many of them working for Mossad and the CIA, as well as the KGB - have incredibly deep cover," Meenin said. "You'd actually be fooled into thinking they're truly dumb and lazy, and don't give a rat's ass about making a word of sense or adding, say, vowels and full words into their messages."

Since the discovery, they've decoded some truly shocking messages.

"This one might look like it says 'hy bb, gn 2 da rat 4 a drink, u wnt 2 cum? Just me n the guyz. Chek u l8a.'" he said, showing us one of the intercepted messages, "where actually when decoded it reads 'Operation Sundown is a go. We strike at midnight. Arms cache located in northern warehouse. Viva la revolcion, comrade.'

The police have since arrested thousands of foreign nationals, suspected spies, and Blackberry owners between the ages of 14 and 22. However, early reports suggest that perhaps many of these potential criminals are, in fact, just students who don't give a shit whether they sound like brain-dead morons when they have a phone in their hand.

"Honestly, this one dude who has charges of sedition and treason against him spells like he was educated by wolves. Except wolves would probably have some self-respect when they tweet at each other," said MP John Fisher, who was speaking metaphorically, because wolves lack the opposable thumbs and higher cognitive functions to properly utilise communication technologies efficiently.

Other politicians agree.

"For these to be the work of operatives of internationally infamous intelligence agencies, you actually expect some intelligence,' said Chief of Police Shudbhee Fyred. "So far, we've found very little."

Before Muse and Abuse left, Meenin showed us another example.

"Look at this one: 'hy hun, hw u doing 2nyt? Herd bt u n Tony, he's such a'... No... Sorry, that's just a shallow piece of shit message. It's pretty easy to confuse the two."