Game of Thrones fans react in anger to announced spoiler publication

Thousands of fans of the HBO blockbuster medieval fantasy epic television drama Game of Thrones have reacted in outrage and mass protest today, after news was released that an elderly American man is reportedly set to publish a nearly 700-page tome exposing to the public in minute detail many hundreds of plot spoilers of the upcoming seasons of the series.

“It’s unacceptable,” said a man who openly weeps on Monday evenings after he has had his fix of Lannister-on-Stark action. “It’s already bad enough that I can’t go on Twitter or have normal conversations with friends who didn’t, you know, illegally download it, and now they want to publish a whole book that will ruin the most juicy secrets? We won’t stand for this!”

He explained that they would probably sit for it.

“In front of our computers, where we will blog and tweet about it. That’s always a sure-fire way to change the things you don’t like about the world.”

The as-yet-unnamed source of the
leaked manuscripts, over whose head
the Internet has issued a fatwa.
pic-wikimedia commons

Apparently, however, the protest and outcry is too late, as some media reports now show that this man has in the past released several plagiarised manifestos with thousands of crucial and key details of the series’ plot leaked to the public, which has led to threats of legal action by the show's producers.

“We’re lucky that we caught these illegal manuscripts early,” said police in their report, “and even luckier still that not really many people have been exposed to them, what with them being put down into books that are several hundred pages long instead of a series of ten million tweets.”

The police added that so far the only people really that had been exposed to these dangerous leaks were “mostly just smug idiots who shrug when we’re weeping at the Red Wedding or shocked at the emotive and heart-wrenching finale and say patronising shit like ‘oh, now you know how I felt three years ago’.”

They added that they were also unfazed by the announced release.

"The spoilers and leaks are only expected to be released in a few years' time," they said. "By then, the series should have reached its conclusion, and these huge manuscripts will be totally meaningless."

In other news, the next season of the much-awaited saga is set to come out to the public in a year, which means that almost thirty percent of the public is hoping to get some work done over the weekends. Many others, however, are not so optimistic.

“The only thing that brought me some cathartic release from the painful, dreary existence I lead on a daily basis, slogging off to the same dead-end job that will end someday with me being laid off and forced to go home to my depressing family and tiny house, was getting my weekly dose of seeing these beloved characters’ mothers and families murdered, tortured, their genetalia cut off, beheaded, and their loved ones scattered to the four corners of the globe or killed, and all their individual hopes and dreams cut off by the bleak reality of an uncaring world. Without this weekly reminder of how relatively unmiserable my life is, how am I supposed to go on?”

In response to these fears, television networks have promised to up the ante on their fear machine.

“We show terrifying images on TV every day, but now, in the light of this public need, we’ll ramp it up to 11,” said the SkyNews and CNN. “With our in-depth coverage of mass killings, racial hatred, armed conflicts, torture and brutal multiple-homicides, it’ll be like you’re watching season three all over again. Just with less tragedy.”

“You are utterly boring” – NSA

After decades of bugging, phone- and wire-tapping, covert surveillance, back-door email hacking and in-depth scrutiny of all your personal and private data, the United States National Security Agency has arrived at the absolutely certain conclusion that you are “unremarkable, undangerous, and in all likelihood destined to have no real meaningful or noticeable bearing or impact on the general course of human history whatsoever.”

“If you look at the data, at just a single glance, you might be lead to thinking that you are just another mediocre, basically negligible example of the human race,” said Lead Commissioner of the NSA operations, Sir Vey Lance, “and actually you’d be 100% correct.”

He went on to add that “nothing about you at all sounds like someone who would make the history books.

“Seriously. I know the media likes to kick up a huge scare about terrorists and bombs and threats and one never knowing who is good and who is bad, but in all likelihood you’ll just go on living your normal boring life, go on posting meaningless irrevelencies on your normal boring facebook wall, have normal boring children with a normal boring wife, and then die," he said with a noncommittal shrug. "Probably at an average age of a disease normal to your age and demographic – like cancer, or heart failure.”

Upon hearing the news US President Barack Obama said that he was “very pleased” with the news, but “kinda knew all along where this investigation was going.”

“The NSA and the billions of dollars we give it every year have done an incredible, time-consuming and ultimately foregone-conclusion piece of work,” he said pretending to read the words off a piece of paper at the White House this afternoon. “Countless hours have been slogged out so that the American people can rest assured that you’re not really worth paying attention to, and certainly not in any way a potential or credible threat to national security.”

However, many critics have refuted the claims as “hasty” and “sorely mistaken”.

“We have looked at the data and disagree entirely,” said chief critics of the study Your Mom and Your Dad. “You are special,” read the joint statement. “Special to us.”

Meanwhile, the NSA have said they will continue monitoring your email “just in case”.

“Who knows what a terrorist really looks like? Certainly not us,” said Lance. “We’re not going to take the chance.”