News organisations publish response tips for ISIS fundamental extremists

Following infamous fundamental Islamic extremist and jihadist group ISIS’s release of a series of guidelines for journalists working in their area of operations, news organisations across the world have banded together to come up with an easy series of guidelines for ISIS’s particular business model.

“You know, we don’t really think we’re in any position to tell anyone how to do their jobs,” said one editor, “but really, when you look at ISIS’s overall public image and how the world reacts to their modus operandi, so to speak, we really think there is a lot they could learn from the news media.”

Thousands of corporate news agencies welcomed the Islamic State's document last week, which they are calling “a remarkable breath of fresh air” and “a stunning wake-up call.”

”People tend to get caught up in all the massive differences between each other and come up with hateful, intolerant assumptions about other groups,” said Sky News CEO Dale Emayle. “But seriously: tighter news controls, undying patriotic allegiance to the state, supervised journalism, restrictions on dissemination and publication, forced accreditation, prerequisite permission to publish opinions, unwavering respect and utter secrecy over state and military actions, threats of job loss, enforced licencing? Hell, we have such similar goals!”

Below, readers can find just a few of the abovementioned tips, hand-delivered by News Intern Eric Hilding, who did draw the short straw after all.

International News tips for ISIS agents

1. Avoid controversy

   Behead equal numbers of races, genders, nationalities. Any resurgent political movement can be easily marred by accusations of racism, xenophobia or sexism. In this regard, you should consider hiring an Human Resources manager, or perhaps even a Media representative who can mitigate damage and spin stories to produce favourable reception by the world community. We all have our own Rebekah Brooks, but it's how you manage the fallout that matters.

2. Know your bullets

   Lots of bullets look the same, but not all bullets were created equal. Sometimes it’s better to maim and disfigure an opposing US military soldier – perhaps blow his limb off or mentally and physically scar him for life – than kill him outright. Journalists know better than anyone else that dead people can’t tell a story. Sure, we can create hype over what are dead issues, like recycling the same garbage again and again, but making the dead speak (outside of sensationalist tabloid hack journalism about ghosts and phantoms and that garbage) for you is just impossible. Be sure to have a liberal sprinkling of landmines too. Nothing tells Momma and Papa Decadent Westerner to withdraw troops and vile hedonistic Imperial doctrine from pure Islamic states better than a trip to the prosthetics department.

3. Fear videos

   Right now, there are just some people who just don’t see your message. Well, fear not: our Western News standards and code of ethics loves nothing more than spreading the bowel-emptying, moan-inducing black stain of fear as far and as wide as possible. When you do behead someone, just send us the video. We’ll immediately publish it! We have huge twitter handles with millions of followers, international blogs and news websites translated into hundreds of different languages, and a keen, keen desire to accumulate as much scare material as possible. Hell, if your beheading is good enough, we’ll even slot it in before the latest BREAKING NEWS about a white person dying of Ebola.

4. Diversity and Equality: key business solutions

   Feminism and calls for sexual equality are commonplace for our generation. Women can behead just as well as men, and require less food and training than a male warrior. Also, a lot can be hidden under traditional dress. Having a diverse workplace will mean that, at the very least, you’ll be able to be considered as a progressive pioneer – an example for all reactionary extremist sects to follow with pride!

5. Don’t feed the trolls

   The internet can be a place where thousands will denounce you at every moment because of your religious beliefs and political leanings. Just goes to show you how strong their “democratic” views are, right? Stay strong, and don’t mind the haters. The journey is long, and Allah will grant you success if you stay the course. Infidels will see their tweets and support of “humanitarian intervention” and “basic rights” punished accordingly when Allah brings forth his glorious Yawm al-Qiyāmah and visits divine retribution and judgement on the world of sinners and nonbelievers.

6. Don’t lose your fun side

   Just because you’re undyingly committed to establishing an all-Islamic caliphate in Iraq and have to enforce rules and holy writ with an iron hand, doesn’t mean you have to go all square and lose your younger self. Keep things fresh. Use happy fonts, like Wingdings and Comic Sans to show everyone that Jihadist extremism doesn’t have to be all march-step and machine guns. Keep things interesting by mixing in realistic looking stones made of sponge with regular stoning rocks. And it’s always fun to mix up your legal proclamations and denouncements on twitter with an inspiring motivational poster or quote. Remember to use lots of smileys!

7. two words: Buzz. Feed.

   Well, one word. But if we in the industry have learnt anything from hyping up expensive journalism degrees at leading schools of Media Studies across the world just in time to support the cash-hungry, shallow switch over to a frivolous and new-standards-teabagging digital portal rolling in the filth and lies of its own quest for permanent virality, it’s how to kill things. Especially standards.
   You don’t need a journalism degree to make people see why you’re right even when you’re wrong. Peurile, simplistic and reductive arguments work great. Combine the most facile aspects of your vision in one small, less-than-300-word listicle with a catchy, eye-grabbing viral headline. Try anything like “Twelve things you didn’t know about ISIS” or “I thought ISIS was a terrorist group – and then I read this article!” or even “Eight reasons why you need to support ISIS – #6 blew me away!” You’ll have billions of shares in no time.

8. Let the West kill itself

   Honestly speaking, you don’t even need this unnecessary campaign of violence to end the sick and detestable Western culture of indulgence and decadence. Have you ever been to a McDonald’s? Have you ever watched any non-cable TV, or shows like America’s Got Talent or Honey Boo-Boo? Really, their shallow batshittery, combined with a culture of intolerance and easy gun access will do far more damage than a truckful of hateful, ideologically warped bigots ever could.

“You are utterly boring” – NSA

After decades of bugging, phone- and wire-tapping, covert surveillance, back-door email hacking and in-depth scrutiny of all your personal and private data, the United States National Security Agency has arrived at the absolutely certain conclusion that you are “unremarkable, undangerous, and in all likelihood destined to have no real meaningful or noticeable bearing or impact on the general course of human history whatsoever.”

“If you look at the data, at just a single glance, you might be lead to thinking that you are just another mediocre, basically negligible example of the human race,” said Lead Commissioner of the NSA operations, Sir Vey Lance, “and actually you’d be 100% correct.”

He went on to add that “nothing about you at all sounds like someone who would make the history books.

“Seriously. I know the media likes to kick up a huge scare about terrorists and bombs and threats and one never knowing who is good and who is bad, but in all likelihood you’ll just go on living your normal boring life, go on posting meaningless irrevelencies on your normal boring facebook wall, have normal boring children with a normal boring wife, and then die," he said with a noncommittal shrug. "Probably at an average age of a disease normal to your age and demographic – like cancer, or heart failure.”

Upon hearing the news US President Barack Obama said that he was “very pleased” with the news, but “kinda knew all along where this investigation was going.”

“The NSA and the billions of dollars we give it every year have done an incredible, time-consuming and ultimately foregone-conclusion piece of work,” he said pretending to read the words off a piece of paper at the White House this afternoon. “Countless hours have been slogged out so that the American people can rest assured that you’re not really worth paying attention to, and certainly not in any way a potential or credible threat to national security.”

However, many critics have refuted the claims as “hasty” and “sorely mistaken”.

“We have looked at the data and disagree entirely,” said chief critics of the study Your Mom and Your Dad. “You are special,” read the joint statement. “Special to us.”

Meanwhile, the NSA have said they will continue monitoring your email “just in case”.

“Who knows what a terrorist really looks like? Certainly not us,” said Lance. “We’re not going to take the chance.”

Obama Robben Island pics voted “most exciting of all fucking time”

Image by JIM WATSON / Getty Images.
From BuzzFeed.com
zOMG A DOOR

In a first for South African history, 100% of the South African population reached a unanimous consensus on something this morning. Their point of agreement wasn’t racial politics or corruption, but rather the pictures taken of Obama’s visit to Nelson Mandela’s place of incarceration. 

According to consensus, the pictures are “the most exciting, impressive, totally not cliché attempt in the history of overly choreographed photo eds to make the US President seem sincere and human in the light of recent surveillance and drone attack controversies.”

The pictures feature such memorable, life-changing, iconic and thought-provoking images such as Obama shot from a distance, walking through a collection of hallways and doorways that could totally not be mistaken for just any arbitrary place in the world.

“I loved the part where he walked through a doorway. It had me in tears,” said local Limpopo resident John Mxamba.

The pictures, which first feature the man himself walking alone in the hallways of the most famous prison in the world that isn’t Guantanamo, quickly move on to show his wife in the picture, lending it an air of “overwhelming emotion and vulnerability”.

Photographic award committees have singled out the most powerful photo of the series, Obama staring out a window.

Image by Carolyn Kaster / AP
From BuzzFeed.com

 “The framing and composition of the photo just goes to underline the kinds of cutting edge photography that is being produced by the diverse collection of independent media institutions across the world REUTERS” said iPhone owner, Instagram user and Chief Photo Editor at the Sunday Times Sipia Tone.

Famous South African photographers could not be reached for comment, because they were too busy being unemployed, retrenched and replaced by new, super-artisitic iPhone wielding photojournalists. 

President Obama is also allegedly being put forward as a nominee for “Most Ridiculously Perfect Handwriting Currently In Practice on Earth”.

Image by JASON REED / Reuters
From BuzzFeed.com

 Those wishing to feel their heartstrings tugged by this powerful and iconic and not at all shite photographic expose see the full images at http://www.buzzfeed.com/andrewkaczynski/16-moving-images-from-president-obamas-visit-to-the-prison-n

Millions of Americans groan as Obama wins second term

Obama is set to ruin America a second time around.

The United States of America let out a collective groan of disappointment as Barack Obama narrowly beat up-and-coming opponent Mitt Romney by 303 electoral votes to 206 to win his second term in the White House today.

"I'm so disappointed," said one disappointed Republican who was disappointed. "Romney is a red-blooded, rootin' tootin' shootin' god-fearing all-star American. He would have been the best possible thing to happen to our beloved land since George Dub-ya."

Coincidence? I think not.

Second coincidence? I think not (again) - (Gus Fring)

Here are a list of reasons why America has made the biggest mistake since Stars Wars episode 1:

Men's Rights


Barack Obama is set to make massive changes to Men's Rights.

"With Barack in charge, now only women will get to decide what to do with their bodies," said Men's Rights activist Hiya Rhakey. "Now with Mitt gone and Republicans not in central power, most people will never even know the difference between gift-from-God rape, legitimate rape, honest rape, emergency rape, easy rape and forcible rape."

"Romney was planning to change this backwards matriarchal system of oppression that stretches back all the way to 2007 or so. Not just that, but now women won't have to pay for wasteful things like family planning, cervix cancer screening, or birth control. Also, Obama is pro.... dare I even say the word... choice. Eugh. It's like it's the Stone Age all over again," he said.


Health

"I've worked 65 years in this country, and I've been happily retired for 5 years. Now  some smarmy president is telling me that I shouldn't pay every last cent of my own health care? Frankly, it's insulting," said 80-year-old Bill Stoupaye.

Obama's plans also include extending and fixing his beloved "ObamaCare". 

"It's these damn 47% that Romney was warning us about. Living on government handouts. Why don't they just pay the exorbitant, insane medical expenses like everyone else?" said Stoupaye.

Gun control

Obama has even turned his Sauron's eye onto gun legislature, and has suggested not only reinstating the Federal Assault  Weapons ban, but making it permanent.

"How am I supposed to defend my land from... um... stuff, without the ability to spray thousands of rounds per minute at... er.... things?" said 42-year-old retired army sergeant Shu-Tim Hupp.

Obama's plans have also included cutting down the number of guns a civilian can buy, and will also force background checks at gun shows.

"I only have 294 shotguns and 365 semi-automatic handguns, and now I can't get more? ANd having to present identification and wait seven days before buying an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile armed with Multiple Reentry sub-missile and biological warhead launcher with automated satellite tracking and anti-air capabilities is just plain unAmerican," said Hupp.

Currently, the only people who support these measures are pussy liberals and Christopher Nolan.

Religion

"Just look at his second name," screamed one voter. "He's obviously an Al Qaeda sympathiser. And to make things worse, he murdered his own father. No, not the white one. The terrorist one."

Many voters feel that Romney would have bought the influence of the Church strongly back to Congress.

"Obama is all 'secularism this' and 'rationalism that'. Romney knows the truth: that Jesus Christ will reappear on the Mountain of Olives, split it in two to stop that war that's coming to kill all the jews, and then appear in Jerusalem, and that the world is reigned in two places: Jerusalem and  Missouri. He's got his head in the right place," said Simon F. Ikshin of the United New Church of His People's Chosen Few.

"He's gonna promote things like religious tolerance and such mumbo-jumbo-jibber-jabber-bullshit. This is how they take over, you know. From the inside," he continued before boring our reporter to death with his other conspiracy theories (RIP James Irving).

Barack's sick lies are set to taint the White House forever.

Climate change


Critics have also been fiercely opposed to Obama's approach to topics like the environment.

"Now that he's back in Office, people are gonna start thinking that climate change is real and causes things like Hurricane Sandy. The government is gonna start spending money on crazy, paranoid theories of 'Arctic ice-sheet melting'. Romney knows that heat melting ice is just a theory," said Bishop Ian de Neil.

Many businessmen have agreed. 

"My business is heavily dependent on beating the crap out of mother nature. We all know that our planet is a disgustingly dirty cesspit of spiders and all manner of creepy crawlies," said business magnate Nate G. Mann.

Civil Rights
Many homosexual couples across the country have also voiced their distress at the election results.

"Being gay and getting married against the law and infuriating local churches used to be so exciting," said Tim Mansfield, tearing up an American flag by the TV. "By making our marriage legal, he's taking away the excitement of being called a 'Satan-worshiping queer' as we duck rocks and say our vows. It's like he's trying to turn gay marriage into an ordinary, normal marriage. Hell, we're already thinking of a divorce," he said, nodding his head at his partner in the adjoining room.

Jobs.

Business and popular trends analyst Che Kindayta has pointed out the myriad failures of Obama's last term of office. "Sure, he's recovered some 4 million jobs, but he lost the most important Jobs of all: Steve Jobs. Now that he's gone, iPads are getting smaller and more expensive. I think we all know who to blame for that," she said.

Taxes

But shockingly of all, President Obama wants high-income households to pay higher tax rates on income and investments, raising the tax on the three highest-tier levels of income to 36% and 39% respectively.

"He's tried to justify it with such baloney as to help 'reduce' the so-called 'national deficits', and 'to help the country make critical investments' and to 'increase fairness in the tax code'. He's treating us like sub-standard citizens just because we make millions of dollars more than other people," said Bill Gates as he sat feeding $100 bills into his pure-gold fireplace.

Warren Buffet agreed.

"Thanks to this mumbo-jumbo malarkey, next year I'll only be able to upgrade my iPad fifteen times, go on an all-expenses holiday to the Bahamas twice in my private jet, and get my son only a medium-sized island in the Caribbean. It sickens me," he said. "With Romney, the top 5% of the country would have been able to pay the same tax as everyone else. America is a fair, equal, democratic country, god damn it. We're not sure about what the rest of his tax plan would have been, cos, like, he didn't tell us, but we're sure that it would have been much, much better."

Cuts to Defense Budget

With proposed cuts to military spending, many oil-rich countries are set to miss out on their chance at democracy.

According to recent reports, Barack intends cutting military spending and pulling all military presence out of Afghanistan. 

"This is a tragedy," said John Cantdo, a principal and teacher at an Illionois high school.  "Where will all our college drop outs go when they can't get a job or finish their SATs? I mean, there are only so many McDonald's, KFC and Burger King joints in America. Eventually, all the fry stations will be full."
Illionois currently has an almost 12% drop-out rate, one of the highest in the country. 

Many key generals in the US Military have also aired concerns.

"Now we can only take over every country a couple of hundred times instead of a couple of thousand. In his last term of office, he started disarming America's nukes," said Army General O. Cide. "Now we can only completely obliterate the planet until it's an uninhabitable, volcanic wasteland of death, instead of the previous 'turn the earth into a second sun' level of destruction," he said.

This is especially worrying with reports that countries like Iran and China are developing nuclear arms of their own. 

"We've received trustworthy, solid intel that Iran have at least three nuclear bombs. How can we possibly go up against that many bombs? And yes, we really, really mean it this time, cross our hearts, hope to die, Scout's honour: there are WMDs in Iran," he said.

Navy Admiral Flo Tindacy has also claimed that Romney's influence would have secured national security. 

"He planned to spend over $228 billion over the next ten years. Yes, the rest of government would largely have to disappear to balance it out, but this is an issue of National Security, damnnit," she said. "With this kind of cash being spent, world peace would have been assured! Well, that, or we would have an endless supply of oil, and brought democracy to every country on the planet." 

In comparison, Obama's foreign policy has been criticised at every turn.

"America used to be a great, respected, and most of all feared nation. Now people aren't even scared of us. Look at all the threats of invasion we've had in the past few years: Libya, Somalia, and Iraq. It was only because of a few Republican influences in the Cabinet that we did preemptive strikes to quickly incapacitate these world superpowers that threaten American security. It's just typical that he took credit for these invasions," he sneered. 


Analysts have agreed: Barack's foreign policy is a "totally screwed" one. 

"Without Mitt in the office, Iran will definitely use Syria to to get to the Ocean. Mitt has stressed that over and over and over again, at the presidential debate and at many televised interviews, and Obama just doesn't pay attention," said Jame O'Hanasey.  

As you can see, Syria borders Iran, making it the ideal access point to international waters.

"It's Al Qaeda we're talking about. Sure, Iran have direct access to international waters through the Gulf, but they know we're expecting that. We know that they'll try to fool us by transporting their vast armada of two battleships and a frigate through war-torn Iraq, across the desert, and onto the Syrian coastline. Barack just doesn't see that," O'Hanasey continued.

Concession

Mitt Romney, however, has called out to his supporters, saying that he was working on a plan to take it in four years time. 

"I've looked at the electoral map, and I've thought that some votes were unfair. I mean, Hawaii isn't even touching American soil, and New Mexico has the word 'Mexico' in it. Those shouldn't even count as US states," he said in a press statement. 

When asked for comment on Mr Obama winning a second term in office, President Robert G. Mugabe scoffed.

"Bitch, please. Try 27 terms."