“Fuck you Mugabe” wins landslide Zim election victory

Zimbabwean elections have been thrown into uproar today, after president of 29 years Robert Gabriel Mugabe was soundly beaten in this year’s impromptu democratic presidential elections by none other than surprise candidate “Fuck You Mugabe”.

This unexpected election was held following riots and protests across the country this week.

The political party – of which very little is currently known – was reportedly a last-minute addition to the political candidature register. According to the Zimbabwean Electoral Commission this burgeoning mystery power was scribbled into the margins of over 5.6 million voting slips, neatly beating the three-decade ZANU-PF incumbent.

“When we opened the boxes, we were astounded by what we found,” said Chief Operations Officer of the ZEC, Riginya Vhoats. “Of the some 11 million votes that were cast this year, over 50% of those were cast in favour of this new secret candidate. Clearly there is something special in the ‘Fuck You Mugabe’ manifesto that resounds strongly in the hearts and minds of a majority of Zimbabweans.”

However the FYM party was not the only one to surpass ZANU’s votes.

“Yes, the FYM’s achievement is commendable, but what really surprised us was the number of smaller minority parties that took their share of the votes,” said Vhoats. “For example, who could have guessed that close runner-up ‘Die You Old Bastard’ would scrape past ZANU into second place, or that the determined independent party ‘Stop Killing Us We Are Starving And Poor’ would cinch an easy bronze? The fact that we have such unpredictable results just goes to show that democracy is well and truly alive in the glorious nation of Zimbabwe.”

ZANU PF placed fifth overall, sliding into this low position just below another modern candidate, 'You Have Betrayed Us All, Go To Hell."

When asked how Morgan Tsvangirai’s Movement for Democratic Change (MDC) party placed, he laughed.

“We didn’t count those things,” he said, “as per the rites and rituals of our Zimbabwean traditions that go back nearly two decades.”

However, the majority political power has already contested the count and demanded a full investigation.

”The idea that someone beat Mugabe is absurd,” said ZANU-PF chief whip Arthur Oterian. “We asked the opposition if they rigged the vote and they said ‘No’ – but how can you possibly win an election without rigging it?”

Citizens, on the other hand, are happy with the results.

"This party and its mantra has resounded on social media, in private conversations, and in correspondence with those who send us money from the diaspora so that we don't starve to death," said Mbare Musika resident Ayava Hadnuff. "It seems almost everyday that someone is saying 'Fuck You Mugabe' this and 'Fuck you Mugabe' that. 'Fuck you Mugabe' is clearly a party that speaks to our hearts and lives, and perfectly describes the future we all want."

However, the took time to recognise the acheivements of the ancien regime.

"He made us lots of promises, and he lived up to them," said Hadnuff humbly. "Like how Zim would never become a colony ever again. That's true. I mean, technically it's more of an authoritarian oligarchy, or a nepotistic dictatorship. And he did so much for race relations here. He hates black people who oppose him just as much as he hates white people. He gave us a truly equal state, where you could be beaten to death regardless of your skin colour. Now that's progress."

ZEC officials now say that a second round of run-off elections could be held as early as July – a prospect that pleases ZANU heads.

”Now a run-off election is something we know how to win,” said Oterian. “We’re confident that we’ll be back at our desks and offices in August, working hard once more to pioneer the next fuck-up for South African politicians to copy and reproduce in SA.”

Picture of Mugabe from Wikipedia by the United States Air Force (Creative Commons)

“My vote doesn’t even matter” say 21 million non-voters

Expressing their belief that ballot-driven democracy is hopelessly flawed and that their one vote wouldn’t change a single thing, 21 million non-voters individually said today that “at the end of the day, voting doesn’t even matter.”

The 20 685 435 voters – who make up the 26% of citizens who choose not to exercise their democratic and hard-won right to choose their president and country’s government – explained how their one vote wouldn’t even be missed.

“The system is broken,” said 25-year-old Noah Voating, one of the nearly one-third of the entire voting populace who has chosen to abstain on voting. “It’s all corrupt and gone to hell. There’s no way my one single vote would even affect the outcome of the elections.”

Voating – and many, many others – defended their choice.

Voats is just one of millions of people who
prove that elections for a representative
democracy is a totally flawed system. 

“All throughout history, there have been courageous, inspiring men and women – such as Nelson Mandela and Martin Luther King Jr - who have fought tirelessly for the rights of citizens to cast their vote and have a say in their country’s future,” said Voating. “But they also fought for the right for citizens to spit in the face of that legacy and just opt out like a teenager in a particularly ugly family argument.”

He elaborated on his political apathy.

“Voting for a man and a party that has thousands of workers, volunteers and committed people behind it is not a way to fix all the problems in our country,” he said. “We all know that there’s only one way to fix these massive problems: by complaining about it endlessly on the internet.”

Voating has since started a petition to change the electoral system in South Africa.

“ Casting your ballot changes nothing,” reads the document. “That’s why we have this petition to do away with it. All you have to do is show up at the special petition show-of-support booths we’re going to set up in town halls across the country.”

And putting your name behind the petition could not be simpler, he says.

“All you need to do is register to give your support for the petition. Then you go down and just sign your name on a piece of paper and put it in the boxes we’ve set up. We count the number of people who want this petition, and if enough people support it, it will be used to change everything and do away with impractical, retrogressive voting.”

But getting numbers could still be tricky.

“I dunno,” said one citizen. “It sounds like I’d have to read the petition, make an informed decision and then walk all the way down there – and for what, just to change our country for the better? Nah, sounds like too much effort.”

US Presidential elections - the wackiest race of all

Vladimir Putin announces candidacy for United States Presidency

Russian Federation President’s 2016 USA campaign promises that he’ll be “Putin you first”

American voters have been left reeling today, after the United States Republican Party accepted Russian Federation president Vladimir Putin’s nomination for President 2016.

Republican Party leaders and members celebrated the decision early this morning, praising his “natural gift of leadership” and “strong, laudable values that resonate with the Republican Party.”

”Really, when you think about his announced bombing campaigns against Muslim countries without a proper consideration of whether or not it’s an effective strategy to curtail and curb rampant extremist, fundamentalist terrorist groups instead of just a cathartic knee-jerk that will only exacerbate the problem of religious fanaticism in the region, then bringing him into the GOP just makes perfect sense,” said Republican party chief whip Francis J. Underwood. “I mean, shit, it sounds exactly like something we would do.”

And despite some public hesitation, the Republican leadership has backed their decision by citing his core right-wing values and beliefs that make him the ideal candidate.

”Let’s just review the facts,” said Senate chairman and Republican Executive member Johnathan Hold-Dwightguy. “He loves guns and hunting, hates immigrants, has several awful, retrogressive laws that make it illegal to be gay, and wants to convert an Arab country into red-hot glass one GBU-43/B MAOB superbomb at a time? Hell, why didn’t we elect him sooner?”

And despite some hesitation and skepticism from voters, the nominating committee is holding fast to its decision.

“Some people might say, ‘well, he’s not a great candidate – after all, doesn’t he hate Americans?’,” explained Nominations Board overseer Gerry Mander. “But looking at our culture of gun violence, police brutality and racial tension, I’d say his hatred of Americans is the most American thing about him.”

“Besides,” he added. “Just look at those photos of him riding bareback and catching sharks and hunting tigers and shit. Who wouldn’t vote for that total badass?”

The decision seems to be paying off, with early polls suggesting he could quickly become a favoured candidate.

“He’s an old white dude, so I guess the change wouldn’t be too shocking from what we’re used to,” said 58-year-old Michigan voter Jake Hendersen. “I’m definitely gonna vote for him. I know lots of people say ‘he’s our historical enemy’ this, and ‘he would enact dangerous, restrictive laws against our people and destroy our economy’ that, but seriously, could anything be worse than Donald Trump?”

Student voter torn between best friend, guy with nice poster

Uncertainty reigns today, after a student voter is unsure whether to cast his vote for Student President in favour of his best friend, or the guy with an awesome poster and unlimited printing credit.

According to sources close to the 21-year-old BSC student James Sullivan, the decision is a tough one.

“On the one hand, Brad is my best mate,” said the unnamed insider, “and in such important decisions that effect the entire student body you're kinda obliged to vote for your friends. Hell, voting your best mates into the presidency has been a tradition that stretches back hundreds of years.”

“But on the other hand, the other guy [Presidential Candidate Eric Ramalack] has such an awesome poster. I mean, he’s wearing a suit, he’s looking tough and serious, and it’s covered in words like ‘transformation’, ’accountability’, ‘transparency’ and ‘responsibility’. You take one look at that badboy and it becomes immediately clear how qualified and experienced he is, and how he is the ideal candidate for the job.”

As can clearly be seen, this candidate possesses all the
skills necessary to bring about excellent
student governance.

Sullivan himself has expressed guilt and frustration.

“This is a momentous decision of incredibly huge ramifications that will affect not just me, but the entire student body,” he said. “If I don’t pick Brad, then that means every time he buys me a beer or lends me his psych notes or agrees to sign the attendance register at History and Appreciation of Music, I’ll feel awful.”

“But if I pick Eric, then I won’t be able to have an inside man to organise the artists and bands that I want to see performing at the Great Field Party or [the] Tri-Var[sity Tournament],” he said. “I mean, I’ve never looked into what the SRC do, but that’s obviously the only thing they ever do during the entire year. So yeah.”

However, Student Political analysts say there is still time for an underdog candidate to snatch the presidency away from these favourites.

“We’ve got some really strong candidates for student leadership this year, with all the qualities you’d want in someone in charge of nearly 8000 students,” said Politics editor of campus newspaper Coppie-Paste, Karl Styabalots. “Really, I wouldn’t be surprised if the hot blonde chick in the short black dress takes it, or even the guy in first year who says ‘my comrades’ and ‘chief’ a lot.”

Whatever Sullivan’s decision, one thing is clear.

“I’m definitely not voting for that guy in fourth year who has had two years’ experience in the SRC,” he scoffed. “I mean, all he’s saying is shit like ‘work on realistic goals, like fighting for lower fees and a better DP return rate’; He’s not even campaigning for better res food, vending machines on campus, or even a shuttle service up the hill. Why anyone would ever want that guy in charge just defies logic.”

Why this white South African is voting ANC

Guest writer Johan Van Eksteen explains his controversial political decision – and argues why everyone should vote the green, gold and black.

The ANC is evil and filled with money-hungry pricks who don’t give even the most basic shit about the poor or disenfranchised people of our country – a country they have slowly but surely betrayed on a fundamental level.

Or at least that’s what the corrupt “news” media wants you to think.

So, South Africa, I think it’s about time we had a serious discussion about politics and why these lies are standing in the way of turning our country into a developed, prosperous nation.

But Johan, you’re white? How can you vote ANC?

Confession time: I’ve voted DA all my life. Ever since I was just a kid standing in front of the ballot box trying to decide whether to tick ANC to piss off my parents or tick DA because I’m white and it’s expected of me, I’ve never chosen the wagon-wheel and spear-flag.

Until now.

Now, you might call me a uncritical, blind fucktard who is actively supporting the death and destruction of our nation and lending my support to a system of widespread corruption and nepotistic cronyism, and so on and so forth, but give me a moment to explain why this is important.

You know, I used to be just like you. I used to comment on News24 articles about how disgraceful the state of our country is. I used to tell all the okes at my braai on Sunday exactly what was wrong with this blerrie country. I used to make clever puns about “cANCer”.

But then I did my research – and what I found truly shocked me.

Firstly, the ANC is a party that truly cares about the economy. Since Zuma took power, he alone spent half a billion rand on infrastructure development to the country. And that was on just one house - imagine a South Africa where every man and woman in positions of power is flooding the economy with employment and raising the GDP through similar construction projects?

Also, the import of once “luxury items” into South Africa is becoming commonplace. Once upon a time, BMWs were reserved for the elitest of the elite – no longer. Expensive goods like Chivas, gold watches, Blue Label and Mercedes Benz S Classes are almost mundane now. Lots of people talk about debt and unemployment – but in a future where everyone and their brother has an expensive car, how can debt exist?

I’m a true natural-born Afrikaaner. I love the bush. I love Mother Nature and the wild. Under the ANC and thanks to Eskom, long-forgotten and obsolete sciences like astronomy will return to the forefront. South Africa will be a shining beacon in the star-gazing community. Or rather, it won’t be a shining beacon, which is even better. And just like with Zimbabwe and the tireless, ceaseless efforts of the ZANU-PF, South Africa, too, is seeing a slow return to a Golden Era of Pastoral Values.

Growing up in the Transvaal, I hated school. Today, my kids are carrying on that fine family tradition. And who is supporting my family values and personal beliefs and culture? The ANC. Who else could make school less boring by taking away boring things like teachers’ salaries and textbooks, and yet still suffer no negative effects in our National Matric Pass Rate? If anything, we’re passing more and more students – and this is despite the ‘media’ saying schools have gone to the dogs.

And we’re seeing the benefits of this even now. For example, I think we can all agree that’s we’re sick of okes who blame apartheid for everything. Now, this might make my political choice seem paradoxical (Zuma blamed Eskom on apartheid)– but ask yourself: who is helping us to get over and finally forget apartheid? The DA, who always talk about the role they played in it, or the ANC, who is making sure that our children don’t have the schools, paid teachers or history books to learn that apartheid ever happened and constantly obsess over it?

We as South Africans have a history of foreign meddling and imperialist forces trying to force their way of life on us. One of the many ugly examples of this is in alternative medicine. Parties like the DA (and sadly, even early ANC leaders – thankfully a distant memory!) blindly support western “scientific” medical charlatanry, which so arrogantly sneers at traditional and alternative treatments.

A western-centric hegemony on vital medicines and alternative treatments is stopping people getting access to proven cures like that super cure-all beetroot or the world-famous panacea, garlic. It’s a shame that Thabo Mbeki’s legacy didn’t do more to discourage people’s trust in imperialist quackery. How many thousands of now-dead AIDS patients would still be alive today if they hadn’t been misguided into taking expensive pills that the state was wasting our hard-earned tax rands on? The thought of this makes me feel so sick that I have to take an extra -strength, 1-part-per-100-million homeopathic tincture just to keep writing this article.

Another fitting nail in the coffin of the idea that the ANC is a bad party is the simple fact that they want true racial equality in South Africa. The ANC – unlike the liars and thieves in other parties – want us to all be equal.

Once upon a time, shoddy public services, water and electricity cuts and bad social services were solely reserved for an oppressed black minority. By making sure that these things no longer just affect a disenfranchised minority in smaller areas in the outskirts of urban zones, the ANC is introducing true egalitarian society filled with empathy and equality.

Once upon a time it used to be white racist police killing black people who were merely standing up for their basic human rights. Those days are over. Now we have people of all colour in the police killing black people who stand up for their basic rights.

Hell, it used to be only white leaders who introduced oppressive laws trying to curtail freedom of speech and give free reign and no accountability to police. But now we have politicians of all colours doing that. Even I think that the ANC is singling itself out as a bastion of progressivity – and hell, I’ve been called racist for some of my controversial opinions.

And on this point, just ask yourself: what has the DA ever done? Nothing. Nothing at all – and I don’t care what ‘facts’ or ‘statistics’ or ‘internationally-recognised socially progressive programs’ you quote to try and make your sick lies sound sweet as honey. Worse yet, let us not forget that the leader of the party has the same name as a giant radioactive Japanese monster. Is that not reason enough to err on the side of caution?

As a wise man once said, but better the devil you know than the DA-Zille you don’t.

VIVA ANC VIVA.

Thousands of dead South Africans vote

It has been a fantastic year for Constitutional Rights this week, after Government officials upheld everyone’s Constitutionally-enshrined right to cast their ballot, regardless of their individual metabolic rate.

“In the past, the vote – not to mention many, many other fundamental rights – were denied to a great many people because of many silly factors,” said government spokesperson and Independent Electoral Commission voter’s roll manager Sam Ngoma. “Never again will we return to such an oppressive tyrannical system of government. People should be allowed to vote whether they are black, white, Indian, or slowly decomposing in a cemetery somewhere.”

The decision to allow the interred South Africans (which are now being formally being labelled as a more politically-correct “previously breathing”) is not the first time such a democratic freedom has been extended to those who have moved off this earthly coil.

“Zimbabwe has a proud, proud history of allowing these most crucial democratic rights to the most marginalised of our community: those who have suffered death. In the 80’s we even had a huge group of military-trained voting coordinators roaming the country to help mostly Ndebele people join this queue-free voting station. The locals even had a loving nickname for our boys and their work: the ‘Green Bombers’ and ‘Gukurahundi’, ” said ZANU-PF Voting Coordinator Uraya Ndokurova, who has a degree in Political Management and Stomping on Blair-loving Oppostion Leader’s Heads. “Just because you’ve buried someone, doesn’t mean you must bury our beloved Constitution with them!”

He went on to add that that rejecting this particular demographics’ vote was a popular pastime in the Western world.

“How typical of these greedy, sanction-loving, colonial oppressors,” he said. “Sure, they get some things right, like the US dollar, medical technologies and awesome expensive Mercedes Benzes, but otherwise they are no different to their slave-owning forefathers.”

The move has been met with widespread approval, by both the living and the dead.

“It’s great,” said one voter who spoke to us via Ouija Board, “I see all my family, and there are no queues for us. Also, the people that help us to make our disembodied X are so friendly and uncorrupt and helpful.”

Since the massive announcement, government officials have announced that in future a Ministerial Portfolio for Contacting the Dead will be set up using only the most highly advanced techniques in contacting the deceased, such as throwing a handful of KFC bones and talking to yourself in gibberish after drinking something containing battery acid and industrial-strength bleach, and only the most highly qualified sangomas and naangas to ensure that the voters’ electoral decisions are accurately interpreted.

“We really, really want to be utterly certain of their vote before making a cross,” he said. “Techniques like these are fool-proof. We know. Many of our cadre have tried to screw them up and failed.”

However, government officials have since confirmed that this is but the beginning of a new era in voting.

“In future, we want to extend these simple and hard-won freedoms and rights to everyone,” said Ngoma, “even those poor and disenfranchised South Africans who have yet to be born. Just because they technically don’t exist yet, it does not mean they won’t want to vote ANC. I’m sorry, can you cut that last word out when you publish?”

ANC hopes ANC campaign trail doesn’t ruin ANC campaign trail

Following the sudden realisation that really the biggest hurdle in their possible future governance of South Africa is their current track record of governance in South Africa, the ANC stated this morning that they really, really hope they haven’t shot themselves in the metaphorical political foot.

“All these other political parties – COPE, the DA, the EFF, IFP, and so on – aren’t really a threat,” said head elections spokeperson Goust Vouwtahs. “Actually, the biggest thing standing in the way of total domination is ourselves.”

In light of this irreparable damage done to the ANC’s reputation by scandals such as Nkandla, the textbooks scandal, Marikana and many, many more, the ANC says it is now considering legal action against its MPs, elected officials and most of itself.

“This level of extreme and gross defamation, character assassination, libel, slander and damage to our good name cannot go unchallenged,” said Vouwtahs. “We must defend our own, even if it means suing them.”

Vouwtahs likened these "counterrevolutionary sell-outs" to a cANCer, sorry, cancer, that needs to be cut out, leaving many politically-minded Urologists very worried indeed.

"If this were my own patient, I would advise against such drastic measures," said one. "Trying to cut out this much cancer is nearly impossible, especially when most of the body is cancer. They'll have maybe three or four people left in remote areas where there isn't enough government funding to skim anything off the top."

Lawyers and Law experts, in contrast, are incredibly excited, and now predict this to be the case of the century.

“It’s going to be massive,” said Senior Advocate Bur de Nofpruf. “We’ll collude with media houses and legal insiders and veil the whole thing as ‘in the public interest’ and get people all riled up on twitter and facebook about how this is really about accountability, transparency and ensuring a solid justice system, even though we all know it's really just grotesque voyeurism by the masses that we exploit so that we can grossly distort the justice system by having it televised 24/7 to the world. The spin-offs will be huge, and god, let’s not even mention the legal fees.”

Despite the fact that such legal action may send a fissure through the ANC, fracturing it as a party, ANC spokespeople are confident they it will not harm their chances of winning.

“Our top education system, our tireless work ensuring that wealth and socioeconomic disparities don't oscillate too much... we think we've done all our can to ensure that our loyal votes make the right decision today. We’re confident that we have damaged education and social cohesion enough to maintain a solid majority of easily swayed voters who would keep voting for us even if we publically executed a basket of kittens in front of a stadium packed with four-year-olds,” said Vouwtahs. “It’s these folks and their endless capacity of hope for a return to the glory days unridden with corruption that keep us going.”

RU left reeling after student votes

Rhodes University has been left reeling in a state of brain-dead shock after a student reportedly voted for an SRC candidate.

Apathy has, in recent years, even become a political
tool. Why?
Who cares?

The vote, which happened sometime this morning between 7am and midday, has left student politics analysts dumbfounded and SRC Councillors flumoxed.

"We just don't know what to do," said Media Councillor Gray Tposta. "I mean, we've never seen this kind of behaviour before. Why would a Rhodes student do this?"

Many fingers have been pointed as to the cause of this behaviour, including the recent price increase of a CrackBomb. "That's the only thing that could possibly describe this level of level-headed non-apathy," said Tposta.

The SRC office has since degraded into a crazed frenzy, amidst fears that they might actually reach Quorum this year. "What if we do?" screamed Elections Officer Stoh Lenbalots. "That's never happened before!"

According to sources in the SRC, the elections run every year are just for show purposes. Plans to instead host annual poster design competitions are being considered as a viable replacement in future.

Some poster creators reportedly took over
13 hours of brainstorming to come up
with their award-winning wordplay.

"Having to vote in your leaders was all the rage in post-1994 South Africa with democracy and stuff, but over the years it's become more fashionable to be stuck with uninformed shit-for-brains idiots as your representatives," said political analyst Pritchard Richhouse. "This tendency has crept into Rhodes, but we're constitutionally bound to make it look like people are actually thinking about these votes and choosing the best person for the job."

This year's election has been the most convincing yet, with over 16 fake posters stuck up all over campus. 

However, many believe that the vote could have been a total mistake. 

"Students living in digs - Oppidan students, that is - are automatically registered and enrolled into this election, which is a course on our online student service," said systems analyst and the guy who keeps your connection to pornographic websites running Guy Holdings. Holdings believes that they saw the pictures of the election candidates and mistook it for a "who would you rather bang?" application. They took one look at the tall white guy who did that 'Umlungu' shit last year and were like, 'ya, defos babe.'"

Holdings and his team of 'net specialists have reportedly tracked down the offending voter, and have cut their internet.

"The internet is no place for such a character," he said. "The girl who cast the vote didn't even leave a racist comment afterwards. Sies."

Since the ordeal, professional counselors from the RU Wellness Centre have come forward to calm down the SRC and assuage their fears.

"It was a once-off," said practicing psychologist Sy Khohanalysis. "We're confident that everyone else won't give a fuck about the election and just watch series or something instead."

However, the SRC is taking no chances, and have since uploaded the latest episode of Suits season 3 onto all university webpages and laboratory computers.

"For over thirty years we've held this strong and proud tradition," said Tposta, "and we're not letting some... some... responsible person ruin it for us."

Students have until the end of the week to ignore all emails asking you to vote, after which there will be more elections. God help us. 

SRC to not reach quorum faster than ever

In a move designed to not reach quorum faster than ever before, the Student Representative Council of Rhodes University has decided to reinstate their online voting system for the upcoming SRC elections.

According to Oric Efei, elections officer for the SRC, the SRC is hoping to not reach quorum as quickly as possible this year. Not reaching quorum is a strong Rhodes SRC tradition stemming back to 1942, when Sir Richard Von Notreachingquorumston got students to give up having reasonable representation for their woes and issues for the first time.

"In the past, it's taken us almost a month to not reach quorum," said Efei. "In fact, last year we had to restart the elections, but even then we only didn't reach quorum in three weeks. The current system is just too inefficient. If we want to amass non-votes as quickly as possible, we need to change things."

Some of the proposed changes will be new poster requirements and the old online voting system.

"With these changes, students will now be able to not vote from the comfort of their rooms or the jab labs," said Efei proudly.

The SRC will also be reintroducing their previous non-quorum-reaching strategies from previous elections, such as sending out begging emails deploring students to vote, and going into each dining hall and setting up voting booths.

"Past elections have shown that these two methods have been astounding techniques for not reaching quorum," said Efei. "We'll even be having another grazzle. That shit makes people seriously not care."

Student elections will run later this term, with students being able to pick between 5 underqualified candidates for the 9 positions.

"We've got a great line up of election candidates this year," said elections admin officer Efic Orei, whose name we didn't just make up on the spot. "There's one guy who was the Community Engagement officer at his highschool, and another girl who used to tutor maths for her grade 11 Bridging the Gap society. These are the highest qualifications we've had in years. I mean, even if they'll probably resign a month in."

The SRC is also hoping to not reach quorum as quickly as possibly by introducing a new level of truly awful into the various candidates' election posters.

"We've really stepped up the game this year," said fourth-year design student Lhuvin Taipografie. "MS Word clip-art, low-resolution images, empty catchphrases, awful leading and kerning... these are all prerequisites now."

Awful spelling is also a compulsory prerequisite

SRC President has added his voice to the debate, saying that the sudden appearance of anti-not-reaching-quorum vitriol on the SRC facebook page is unwelcome.

"Every time you vote, a kitten dies," said president Bakhe Sadi. "Just sayin'."

In light of these recent changes, those guys on the SRC facebook page student political analysts now estimate that quorum might definitely not be reached in as little as a day.

"We're really excited to see how this all turns out," said the guy who will probably end up picking our SRC for us, Saleem Badat.

Students can look forward to not complaining about the SRC ever again in a few short weeks.