Rhodes University has been left reeling in a state of
brain-dead shock after a student reportedly voted for an SRC candidate.
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| Apathy has, in recent years, even become a political tool. Why? Who cares? |
"We just don't know what to do," said Media Councillor Gray Tposta. "I mean, we've never seen this kind of behaviour before. Why would a Rhodes student do this?"
Many fingers have been pointed as to the cause of this behaviour, including the recent price increase of a CrackBomb. "That's the only thing that could possibly describe this level of level-headed non-apathy," said Tposta.
The SRC office has since degraded into a crazed frenzy, amidst fears that they might actually reach Quorum this year. "What if we do?" screamed Elections Officer Stoh Lenbalots. "That's never happened before!"
According to sources in the SRC, the elections run every year are just for show purposes. Plans to instead host annual poster design competitions are being considered as a viable replacement in future.
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| Some poster creators reportedly took over 13 hours of brainstorming to come up with their award-winning wordplay. |
"Having to vote in your leaders was all the rage in post-1994 South Africa with democracy and stuff, but over the years it's become more fashionable to be stuck with uninformed shit-for-brains idiots as your representatives," said political analyst Pritchard Richhouse. "This tendency has crept into Rhodes, but we're constitutionally bound to make it look like people are actually thinking about these votes and choosing the best person for the job."
This year's election has been the most convincing yet, with over 16 fake posters stuck up all over campus.
However, many believe that the vote could have been a total mistake.
"Students living in digs - Oppidan students, that is - are automatically registered and enrolled into this election, which is a course on our online student service," said systems analyst and the guy who keeps your connection to pornographic websites running Guy Holdings. Holdings believes that they saw the pictures of the election candidates and mistook it for a "who would you rather bang?" application. They took one look at the tall white guy who did that 'Umlungu' shit last year and were like, 'ya, defos babe.'"
Holdings and his team of 'net specialists have reportedly tracked down the offending voter, and have cut their internet.
"The internet is no place for such a character," he said. "The girl who cast the vote didn't even leave a racist comment afterwards. Sies."
Since the ordeal, professional counselors from the RU Wellness Centre have come forward to calm down the SRC and assuage their fears.
"It was a once-off," said practicing psychologist Sy Khohanalysis. "We're confident that everyone else won't give a fuck about the election and just watch series or something instead."
However, the SRC is taking no chances, and have since uploaded the latest episode of Suits season 3 onto all university webpages and laboratory computers.
"For over thirty years we've held this strong and proud tradition," said Tposta, "and we're not letting some... some... responsible person ruin it for us."
Students have until the end of the week to ignore all emails asking you to vote, after which there will be more elections. God help us.
