RU left reeling after student votes

Rhodes University has been left reeling in a state of brain-dead shock after a student reportedly voted for an SRC candidate.

Apathy has, in recent years, even become a political
tool. Why?
Who cares?

The vote, which happened sometime this morning between 7am and midday, has left student politics analysts dumbfounded and SRC Councillors flumoxed.

"We just don't know what to do," said Media Councillor Gray Tposta. "I mean, we've never seen this kind of behaviour before. Why would a Rhodes student do this?"

Many fingers have been pointed as to the cause of this behaviour, including the recent price increase of a CrackBomb. "That's the only thing that could possibly describe this level of level-headed non-apathy," said Tposta.

The SRC office has since degraded into a crazed frenzy, amidst fears that they might actually reach Quorum this year. "What if we do?" screamed Elections Officer Stoh Lenbalots. "That's never happened before!"

According to sources in the SRC, the elections run every year are just for show purposes. Plans to instead host annual poster design competitions are being considered as a viable replacement in future.

Some poster creators reportedly took over
13 hours of brainstorming to come up
with their award-winning wordplay.

"Having to vote in your leaders was all the rage in post-1994 South Africa with democracy and stuff, but over the years it's become more fashionable to be stuck with uninformed shit-for-brains idiots as your representatives," said political analyst Pritchard Richhouse. "This tendency has crept into Rhodes, but we're constitutionally bound to make it look like people are actually thinking about these votes and choosing the best person for the job."

This year's election has been the most convincing yet, with over 16 fake posters stuck up all over campus. 

However, many believe that the vote could have been a total mistake. 

"Students living in digs - Oppidan students, that is - are automatically registered and enrolled into this election, which is a course on our online student service," said systems analyst and the guy who keeps your connection to pornographic websites running Guy Holdings. Holdings believes that they saw the pictures of the election candidates and mistook it for a "who would you rather bang?" application. They took one look at the tall white guy who did that 'Umlungu' shit last year and were like, 'ya, defos babe.'"

Holdings and his team of 'net specialists have reportedly tracked down the offending voter, and have cut their internet.

"The internet is no place for such a character," he said. "The girl who cast the vote didn't even leave a racist comment afterwards. Sies."

Since the ordeal, professional counselors from the RU Wellness Centre have come forward to calm down the SRC and assuage their fears.

"It was a once-off," said practicing psychologist Sy Khohanalysis. "We're confident that everyone else won't give a fuck about the election and just watch series or something instead."

However, the SRC is taking no chances, and have since uploaded the latest episode of Suits season 3 onto all university webpages and laboratory computers.

"For over thirty years we've held this strong and proud tradition," said Tposta, "and we're not letting some... some... responsible person ruin it for us."

Students have until the end of the week to ignore all emails asking you to vote, after which there will be more elections. God help us. 

SRC to not reach quorum faster than ever

In a move designed to not reach quorum faster than ever before, the Student Representative Council of Rhodes University has decided to reinstate their online voting system for the upcoming SRC elections.

According to Oric Efei, elections officer for the SRC, the SRC is hoping to not reach quorum as quickly as possible this year. Not reaching quorum is a strong Rhodes SRC tradition stemming back to 1942, when Sir Richard Von Notreachingquorumston got students to give up having reasonable representation for their woes and issues for the first time.

"In the past, it's taken us almost a month to not reach quorum," said Efei. "In fact, last year we had to restart the elections, but even then we only didn't reach quorum in three weeks. The current system is just too inefficient. If we want to amass non-votes as quickly as possible, we need to change things."

Some of the proposed changes will be new poster requirements and the old online voting system.

"With these changes, students will now be able to not vote from the comfort of their rooms or the jab labs," said Efei proudly.

The SRC will also be reintroducing their previous non-quorum-reaching strategies from previous elections, such as sending out begging emails deploring students to vote, and going into each dining hall and setting up voting booths.

"Past elections have shown that these two methods have been astounding techniques for not reaching quorum," said Efei. "We'll even be having another grazzle. That shit makes people seriously not care."

Student elections will run later this term, with students being able to pick between 5 underqualified candidates for the 9 positions.

"We've got a great line up of election candidates this year," said elections admin officer Efic Orei, whose name we didn't just make up on the spot. "There's one guy who was the Community Engagement officer at his highschool, and another girl who used to tutor maths for her grade 11 Bridging the Gap society. These are the highest qualifications we've had in years. I mean, even if they'll probably resign a month in."

The SRC is also hoping to not reach quorum as quickly as possibly by introducing a new level of truly awful into the various candidates' election posters.

"We've really stepped up the game this year," said fourth-year design student Lhuvin Taipografie. "MS Word clip-art, low-resolution images, empty catchphrases, awful leading and kerning... these are all prerequisites now."

Awful spelling is also a compulsory prerequisite

SRC President has added his voice to the debate, saying that the sudden appearance of anti-not-reaching-quorum vitriol on the SRC facebook page is unwelcome.

"Every time you vote, a kitten dies," said president Bakhe Sadi. "Just sayin'."

In light of these recent changes, those guys on the SRC facebook page student political analysts now estimate that quorum might definitely not be reached in as little as a day.

"We're really excited to see how this all turns out," said the guy who will probably end up picking our SRC for us, Saleem Badat.

Students can look forward to not complaining about the SRC ever again in a few short weeks.