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Man’s New Year’s resolutions last record-breaking 3.5 hours

The Guinness Book of World Records has been blown away this morning, after a man’s extensive and detailed list of promises of self-betterment, healthy living, and responsible choices lasted over three hours before being completely tossed out the window.

Guinness World Records officials now say that 26-year-old Eric Mathers – whose promises of a better, healthier 2016 included finally going to the gym, giving up smoking and fatty foods, and stopping his obsessive over-analysis of old, failed relationships – got well into the three-hour-twenty-six minute mark before having a choco-frosted cream doughnut and a quick smoke.

“It’s quite astounding that he lasted that long,” said Guinness Records overseer Bray Carrecord. “I mean, most people know pretty much on the very second of making their naïve and blindly optimistic claims that they’ll be a better, more considerate, more health-conscious human being that it’s all just an alcohol-fueled lie that has absolutely no grounding in reality or consideration of their failure to live up to these exact same promises last year.”

“But not Eric,” he continued. “He got all the way to three hours before looking through his old Facebook messages and considering drunk-dialling his ex-girlfriends and apologising for everything.”

Mathers (above) celebrating the 3-hour
lifespan of promises of
 healthy eating and living.

However, Mathers has strongly protested the award, saying “[he hasn’t] given up on [his] promises just yet.”

“This was just a minor hiccup,” he said, sipping on his fifth beer over a double-cheese-and-bacon burger and chips. “What, I can’t have one box of cigarettes and finish a whole bottle of brandy and then turn off my gym alarm to sleep in without people thinking I’m a failure? Please. I’ll just start tomorrow. You’ll see. I’m gonna be ripped and successful this year. Just you wait.”

But despite all this, Mathers says he is already hard at work on his resolutions for 2017.

“I promised myself that in 2017 that I’m going to eat pizza all day and never work out and basically be a dreadful example of a responsible adult. That way, if I fail again, I’ll end up ripped as hell and with a burgeoning career and a girlfriend. And if I succeed, well… that would make a nice change from every single New Year’s ever, wouldn’t it?”

And in other news, that bitch’s new year's resolutions are somehow still on track.

Vladimir Putin announces candidacy for United States Presidency

Russian Federation President’s 2016 USA campaign promises that he’ll be “Putin you first”

American voters have been left reeling today, after the United States Republican Party accepted Russian Federation president Vladimir Putin’s nomination for President 2016.

Republican Party leaders and members celebrated the decision early this morning, praising his “natural gift of leadership” and “strong, laudable values that resonate with the Republican Party.”

”Really, when you think about his announced bombing campaigns against Muslim countries without a proper consideration of whether or not it’s an effective strategy to curtail and curb rampant extremist, fundamentalist terrorist groups instead of just a cathartic knee-jerk that will only exacerbate the problem of religious fanaticism in the region, then bringing him into the GOP just makes perfect sense,” said Republican party chief whip Francis J. Underwood. “I mean, shit, it sounds exactly like something we would do.”

And despite some public hesitation, the Republican leadership has backed their decision by citing his core right-wing values and beliefs that make him the ideal candidate.

”Let’s just review the facts,” said Senate chairman and Republican Executive member Johnathan Hold-Dwightguy. “He loves guns and hunting, hates immigrants, has several awful, retrogressive laws that make it illegal to be gay, and wants to convert an Arab country into red-hot glass one GBU-43/B MAOB superbomb at a time? Hell, why didn’t we elect him sooner?”

And despite some hesitation and skepticism from voters, the nominating committee is holding fast to its decision.

“Some people might say, ‘well, he’s not a great candidate – after all, doesn’t he hate Americans?’,” explained Nominations Board overseer Gerry Mander. “But looking at our culture of gun violence, police brutality and racial tension, I’d say his hatred of Americans is the most American thing about him.”

“Besides,” he added. “Just look at those photos of him riding bareback and catching sharks and hunting tigers and shit. Who wouldn’t vote for that total badass?”

The decision seems to be paying off, with early polls suggesting he could quickly become a favoured candidate.

“He’s an old white dude, so I guess the change wouldn’t be too shocking from what we’re used to,” said 58-year-old Michigan voter Jake Hendersen. “I’m definitely gonna vote for him. I know lots of people say ‘he’s our historical enemy’ this, and ‘he would enact dangerous, restrictive laws against our people and destroy our economy’ that, but seriously, could anything be worse than Donald Trump?”

Rhodes SRC "not actually that shit"

In a shock move following an unforgettable party hosted by the No More Money Nelson Mandela Metropolitan University Student Representative Council, hundreds of Rhodes University students have begrudgingly admitted that "our SRC is actually not that kak".

The first in Rhodes Student history happened early on Monday morning following the huge party in Port Elizabeth where some sport might have happened, although who cares about that last part?

"You know, even thought I go around saying that the SRC doesn't do anything despite my never looking into what they do actually do do on a weekly basis, at least they throw a pretty mean party," said BA student Jake Manders, who took time off being an alcoholic with no real personality to speak to reporters.  "Like, there was beer and Jack Parrow and okes didn't have broken legs and stuff, so ya. They're not actually as shite as I thought."

According to eyewitnesses on the ground, this revelation was reached after stampedes and violence broke out in what should have been the easiest fucking party in the world to organise. Seriously, how could any working human being screw up Tri-Var? You just put beer tents in a big enough space and it basically runs itself.

"There was a stampede and people got tazered and pepper-sprayed and all kinds of stuff," said a partygoer. "A girl even got her leg broken."

However, the NMMU SRC has since explained this travesty, pointing blame onto eavesdropping security guards.

"One of the soundtech guys told Roger Goode to 'Break a leg' in the traditional theatrical sense. We think the seven-foot-three asshole at the entrance with Bear Mace might have thought they were talking to him," said NMMU Failure Councillor Dishorgah Nized.

This Monday saw Rhodes students rushing to Twitter and facebook to gloat about their university. NMMU students, however, have remained determined that they made the right decision.

"At least we don't smell like a dying animal. Enjoy your water shortage, motherfucker," said a guy whose name doesn't matter because he's studying a BA at NMMU.

The development could not be better timed, with student elections just around the corner.

"Since people have realised that the SRC isn't shit, we've actually had the highest number of electoral candidates in one election since 1931," said SRC Elections Officer Oric Efei.

However, many students are battling with the idea that the SRC isn't shit, and have resorted to going to the Counselling Centre to relieve their trauma.

"They're supposed to be awful, like, the worst thing on the planet," said Fine Arts student Fewka Reerprospekts. "How will I get throught the day knowing that they're actually capable of pulling off events without rumours of students dying?"

The news has since been met with resounding calls for Tri-Var to be hosted at Rhodes in future years -  an idea that many have met with hesitation.

"Gtown would die," said Dean of Students Civ ed Krelk. "I mean, were you even here last year? Okes were smashing beer next to the VC. It was far too hectic for normal society to handle, broken legs or no."