Man’s New Year’s resolutions last record-breaking 3.5 hours

The Guinness Book of World Records has been blown away this morning, after a man’s extensive and detailed list of promises of self-betterment, healthy living, and responsible choices lasted over three hours before being completely tossed out the window.

Guinness World Records officials now say that 26-year-old Eric Mathers – whose promises of a better, healthier 2016 included finally going to the gym, giving up smoking and fatty foods, and stopping his obsessive over-analysis of old, failed relationships – got well into the three-hour-twenty-six minute mark before having a choco-frosted cream doughnut and a quick smoke.

“It’s quite astounding that he lasted that long,” said Guinness Records overseer Bray Carrecord. “I mean, most people know pretty much on the very second of making their naïve and blindly optimistic claims that they’ll be a better, more considerate, more health-conscious human being that it’s all just an alcohol-fueled lie that has absolutely no grounding in reality or consideration of their failure to live up to these exact same promises last year.”

“But not Eric,” he continued. “He got all the way to three hours before looking through his old Facebook messages and considering drunk-dialling his ex-girlfriends and apologising for everything.”

Mathers (above) celebrating the 3-hour
lifespan of promises of
 healthy eating and living.

However, Mathers has strongly protested the award, saying “[he hasn’t] given up on [his] promises just yet.”

“This was just a minor hiccup,” he said, sipping on his fifth beer over a double-cheese-and-bacon burger and chips. “What, I can’t have one box of cigarettes and finish a whole bottle of brandy and then turn off my gym alarm to sleep in without people thinking I’m a failure? Please. I’ll just start tomorrow. You’ll see. I’m gonna be ripped and successful this year. Just you wait.”

But despite all this, Mathers says he is already hard at work on his resolutions for 2017.

“I promised myself that in 2017 that I’m going to eat pizza all day and never work out and basically be a dreadful example of a responsible adult. That way, if I fail again, I’ll end up ripped as hell and with a burgeoning career and a girlfriend. And if I succeed, well… that would make a nice change from every single New Year’s ever, wouldn’t it?”

And in other news, that bitch’s new year's resolutions are somehow still on track.

Kids get through family and togetherness Christmas bullshit in record time

It was a day of smashed records, after the children of the Henderson family managed to speed through all that family and togetherness crap that comes every Christmas in record-breaking time.

Officials from the Guinness Book of World Records say that the three children – Billy, 7; Jess, 11; and little Tina, 5 – managed to get through all their family’s bullshit yearly traditions (such as the traditional morning tea-and-Christmas-cake in the lounge, the yearly reading out the family Christmas cards, the painstaking process of all opening their stockings one by one, and snapping seemingly countless Family photos) at a blistering pace.

“They’ve absolutely shattered all previous attempts,” said Guinness Records overseer Chris Mazgift. “Within just 17 minutes and 32 seconds, they were all tearing open their gifts and going back to their own rooms to play with their fancy new toys without being bothered by their bloody parents – which is, as we all know, the Real Meaning of Christmas.”

However, the record has been met with controversy, and many previous record holders have loudly voiced their complaints.

“Of course they smashed the record,” said 12-year-old Wayne Ahmanger, “because their goddamn mother doesn’t make them all pull on their boots to go for a ‘fun’ Christmas walk after the big traditional lunch. Some of us have grandparents who make us go to the Christmas morning church service and combined carol evening – and of course, this cuts deeply into the valuable, rare quality time that you would rather be spending with your new Xbox One or Macbook Air 2.”

Despite these complaints, the Henderson kids are hard at work getting ready to defend their record next year.

“Hopefully by then Little Tina would have grown out of her cute phase and won’t have to sing ‘We Wis you a Mewwy Cwismas’ four goddamn times,” said Billy.

“And what's more, we're still crossing fingers that our parents get divorced. That way, we’ll be able to blast through this family togetherness kak in about three minutes – about as long as it will take our mother to pop another Valium or pour another gin or our dad to heat up our christmas can-of-beans lunch in his one-bedroom apartment in town.”

Flier makes it a record-breaking 178m before being binned

An advertising flier has smashed world records today, after being wilfully carried over 170m before being binned. The astonishing achievement completely destroyed previous attempts, which never got beyond ‘just a few feet from the dude handing them out.’

The flier, which was first handed to 25-year-old Hannah Dout on the intersection of Crosswell and Bosman streets in Cape Town at about 8.45am this morning and portrays a “incredible” and “not to be missed” two-for-one special at Jerry’s Rib Shack, reportedly made it all the way to corner of King Avenue before being palmed into a nearby trash can.

Official reports state that the flier made it this incredible distance, even despite there being “six convenient bins within arm’s reach” between the two points and also despite the simple fact that “she could have tossed that shit in the gutter at any time”.

However, not everyone is ecstatic. Already the record attempt has been contested by the previous winner, Noah Than-Que.

“I have since carried a pointless garbage flier at least fourteen times that distance,” he explained in an angry email to the Guinness Organisation of World Records. “Surely my record should be recognised?”

Controversy is sure to arise, as Guinness officials have not recognised his achievement.

“Eye witness reports state that he read both sides of the flier and nodded with a small smile, before putting it in his backpack,” said Guinness CEO Naim Laikebeer. “Clearly he wanted the flier, even going so far to take it home.”

"Besides," he added, "he willing took it with intent instead of having that bloody guy walk right up to you with a fake smile and force it into your hand while you pretend to be interested in his enthusiastic support of pointless environmental waste."

Readers are encouraged to print this article out and force strangers to take it, or just save us all some time and throw it away as soon as it hits the print tray.