Flier makes it a record-breaking 178m before being binned

An advertising flier has smashed world records today, after being wilfully carried over 170m before being binned. The astonishing achievement completely destroyed previous attempts, which never got beyond ‘just a few feet from the dude handing them out.’

The flier, which was first handed to 25-year-old Hannah Dout on the intersection of Crosswell and Bosman streets in Cape Town at about 8.45am this morning and portrays a “incredible” and “not to be missed” two-for-one special at Jerry’s Rib Shack, reportedly made it all the way to corner of King Avenue before being palmed into a nearby trash can.

Official reports state that the flier made it this incredible distance, even despite there being “six convenient bins within arm’s reach” between the two points and also despite the simple fact that “she could have tossed that shit in the gutter at any time”.

However, not everyone is ecstatic. Already the record attempt has been contested by the previous winner, Noah Than-Que.

“I have since carried a pointless garbage flier at least fourteen times that distance,” he explained in an angry email to the Guinness Organisation of World Records. “Surely my record should be recognised?”

Controversy is sure to arise, as Guinness officials have not recognised his achievement.

“Eye witness reports state that he read both sides of the flier and nodded with a small smile, before putting it in his backpack,” said Guinness CEO Naim Laikebeer. “Clearly he wanted the flier, even going so far to take it home.”

"Besides," he added, "he willing took it with intent instead of having that bloody guy walk right up to you with a fake smile and force it into your hand while you pretend to be interested in his enthusiastic support of pointless environmental waste."

Readers are encouraged to print this article out and force strangers to take it, or just save us all some time and throw it away as soon as it hits the print tray.

Bigot girlfriend “definitely too hot” to dump

Following hours of late-night tossing and turning, restless consternation and agonising weighing up of pros and cons, local man Jeremy Thimble came to a final decision early this morning, telling reporters that despite his girlfriend’s small-minded and bigoted view of race relations and her ignorant and racist outlook on life, she was still “definitely too good looking” to consider breaking up with.

”I’ll be honest here, I’ve done the math,” he said, showing us the glass shower door where he used a knob of soap to write up a rough list of his significant other’s good and bad qualities while taking a too-long and slightly depressing hot shower. “Racist, small-minded, doesn’t like reading or books, overly obsessed with fashion and celebrity scandal, judgemental, narcisstic – any one of these things would be an immediate red flag with other girls who aren’t a 9.283. But Jess isn’t most girls – you can see that from her Facebook photos, which I know all my friends creep.”

Jeremy also added that she “gives a pretty mean blowjob”.

”I’m not saying that’s the deal breaker,” he explained, “but it is on the table. I’m just putting it out there.”

Jeremy first met 25-year-old bombshell Jessica Saunders at a rugby game at her old high school, where she spent five years being too attractive to have time to get a personality or real people skills beyond a beautiful, expensive-dentistry smile.

Meanwhile, experts in being good looking have confirmed the man’s position and agreed with his press release, saying the science “speaks for itself.”

”Let’s just be frank,” said Idtapdatologist Jake Heders, who co-authored the controversial study outlining the intricate base-ten sexual attractiveness rating formula with Jacob Louw, originator of the infamous 'Louw's Constant'. “He’s batting way out of his league. He’s maybe a low seven, if he gels up his hair and wears a kiff leather jacket and ignores anything in the gym that works legs or anything remotely dissimilar to biceps and chest. She, on the other hand, is a 9.283, which is objectively and scientifically as hot as a person can realistically be. So what if she can’t stand being a bar with black people? Have you taken a look at her figure recently?”

In response to the ennui he feels over being a shallow douche, Heders recommends Thimble keep as many photos – especially half-nude bathroom selfies showing off the countless hours she spends in the gym – in his wallet, on his phone wallpaper, in this profile picture, or even in photo frames around the house.

”Basically everywhere possible,” he said, “to remind himself that, despite how bad things might feel and despite what a spineless shitbag he feels like, he’s still outbatting his best mates.”

And despite controversy in the Idtapdatology community, experts are unanimous in their reaction.

”Dumping her? Definitely out of the question, bro,” they agreed in a statement. “I mean, sure you might feel some pride in having stood up for the rights of others and against hateful discrimination, but one of your friends who cares less about her flaws will definitely snatch her up asap, starting off this whole miserable cycle once more.”

”Besides,” he added, “morals, ethics and personal integrity, and a strong, principled character are nice, but when was the last time you got any nookie from your personal integrity or a bunch of commendable virtues?”