Study finds Asian child bones may save the rhinos

The medical research community is celebrating today, after conservation experts discovered a scientific breakthrough that could potentially save thousands of endangered Black and White Rhinos.

According to researchers working at the Institute for Animal Medical Studies, the answer could lie within the crushed-up bones of Asian people. Preliminary findings of the report now suggest that Asian bone has the power to turn these otherwise docile creatures into horny breeding machines - a potential turn-around for their decimated populations.

The discovery - which has profound ramifications for rhino populations threatened by extinction - has come just in time too.

"It really is a game-changer," said head research manager Jenn Oside. "We've been having problems with our rhinos. They have been in long-term commitments with other older rhinos, and the spice of their love lives just isn't there any more. This medicine is helping them with some of their... less hard problems. If you know what I'm saying."

However, research and business analysts have been quick to say that current market trends are just not feasible to turn it into a working cure to the current extinction threats.

"It turns out that there are a lot of people who get all upset just because we want to crush up something they love into a cure for sexual problems," said Jake Henderson, lead chemical engineer for the program. "Hell, some places even have laws in place to stop these kinds of medicines."

These stumbling blocks, however, will not stop them, says Henderson.

"Right now we're working on more... inventive... ways of getting our Asian Bone. We are currently sending some key businessmen to hire the marginalised poor to go into schools and child reserves to acquire the required materials, he said. "These men and women would form part of the Program for Ossified Asian Chemical Help, a highly specialised task force that uses humane methods such as guns and knives to extract the valuable bone. Right now, Asian child bone can fetch almost R12 000 per kilogram on the black market. Our POACH-ers would be directly creating wealth and economic empowerment."

Henderson also noted plans to humanely remove the bone from the children's limbs.

"Now that these kids live protected in-door environments, they no longer have an evolutionary need for their bone. It isn't wrong to cut out these vestigial organs, because they don't really use them," he said.

However, the commission has come under fire from scientists and legal experts, saying that the cures are baseless and draw on a tradition of silly superstitions.

"There is nothing in an Asian child's bones that invigorates a Rhinoceros's sexual prowess," said animal scientist and game ranger Tony Veldshoen. "It's just calcium, potassium, and ossified cells, utterly devoid of any aphrodisiac qualities."

This, however, is not stopping Henderson and his team.

"Who cares if it 'isn't scientifically proven' and 'has no actual basis in biochemistry' - if makes the rhinos feel good and they can really feel the benefits!. Just because it's bull dust, doesn't mean it's bulldust. Besides," he said, "they said that same lie about rhino horn giving you a heightened libido. Next thing you'll tell us homeopathy and reflexology are just farcical cons."

White girl saves Africa

Haley Smith: part-time volunteer, Gender Studies graduate
and saviour of the biggest country on Earth

Famine, poverty, war and human rights abuses in Africa are no more, after stunning news has emerged that a 22-year-old white girl has singlehandedly saved the entire continent.

The American liberal arts graduate and volunteer worker, who is on her gap year between degrees and “wants to maybe work for the UN one day”, reportedly saved the struggling, war-torn and problem-riddled continent after just fourteen days of volunteer work at Uganda-based NGO aid group Helping Hand.

“Honestly, the news just blew us all away,” said the presidents of nearly 60 African countries in a joint statement. “It was just supposed to be a short-term stay at an organisation working with villagers living under the breadline and teaching English to Ugandan children, but after just a fortnight there Haley [Smith] managed to rescue the whole continent from the precipice of darkness and death.”

The presidents added that, while most volunteer stays like these merely address surface-level, minor problems in just one tiny part of a gigantic, multinational continent, Smith managed to enact the exact kinds of massive and sweeping cultural, societal, economic and legislative reforms necessary to fix not just the symptoms but also the causes of the myriad systematic and grave problems that dogged Africa.

“That she has succeeded where millions of hopeful, naïve young Westerns – even celebrities - have failed is just singularly remarkable,” they said. “And for that, we are deeply, deeply grateful.”

Since the momentous news, millions of Africans have poured out their heartfelt thanks and praise.

“Thank you so much, Haley,” said Democratic Republic of Congo citizen, Grace Ladumba, who no longer needs fear being murdered in a civil war caused in part by the external meddling of foreign interest groups thanks to young Smith’s tireless efforts to dig a well and play soccer with fly-covered five-year-olds. “You know, we see America in such turmoil because of the brutal, dictatorial police force there – perhaps we should return the favour and send some of our young adults to save your people?”

And despite this massive outpouring of appreciation, Smith remains humble.

“Really, it’s the people of the beautiful country of Africa that I should thank,” she said. “They have profoundly affected me for the rest of my life: I can safely say that, no matter where my future will take me, my Facebook profile picture will never be the same again.”

Flier makes it a record-breaking 178m before being binned

An advertising flier has smashed world records today, after being wilfully carried over 170m before being binned. The astonishing achievement completely destroyed previous attempts, which never got beyond ‘just a few feet from the dude handing them out.’

The flier, which was first handed to 25-year-old Hannah Dout on the intersection of Crosswell and Bosman streets in Cape Town at about 8.45am this morning and portrays a “incredible” and “not to be missed” two-for-one special at Jerry’s Rib Shack, reportedly made it all the way to corner of King Avenue before being palmed into a nearby trash can.

Official reports state that the flier made it this incredible distance, even despite there being “six convenient bins within arm’s reach” between the two points and also despite the simple fact that “she could have tossed that shit in the gutter at any time”.

However, not everyone is ecstatic. Already the record attempt has been contested by the previous winner, Noah Than-Que.

“I have since carried a pointless garbage flier at least fourteen times that distance,” he explained in an angry email to the Guinness Organisation of World Records. “Surely my record should be recognised?”

Controversy is sure to arise, as Guinness officials have not recognised his achievement.

“Eye witness reports state that he read both sides of the flier and nodded with a small smile, before putting it in his backpack,” said Guinness CEO Naim Laikebeer. “Clearly he wanted the flier, even going so far to take it home.”

"Besides," he added, "he willing took it with intent instead of having that bloody guy walk right up to you with a fake smile and force it into your hand while you pretend to be interested in his enthusiastic support of pointless environmental waste."

Readers are encouraged to print this article out and force strangers to take it, or just save us all some time and throw it away as soon as it hits the print tray.