White girl saves Africa

Haley Smith: part-time volunteer, Gender Studies graduate
and saviour of the biggest country on Earth

Famine, poverty, war and human rights abuses in Africa are no more, after stunning news has emerged that a 22-year-old white girl has singlehandedly saved the entire continent.

The American liberal arts graduate and volunteer worker, who is on her gap year between degrees and “wants to maybe work for the UN one day”, reportedly saved the struggling, war-torn and problem-riddled continent after just fourteen days of volunteer work at Uganda-based NGO aid group Helping Hand.

“Honestly, the news just blew us all away,” said the presidents of nearly 60 African countries in a joint statement. “It was just supposed to be a short-term stay at an organisation working with villagers living under the breadline and teaching English to Ugandan children, but after just a fortnight there Haley [Smith] managed to rescue the whole continent from the precipice of darkness and death.”

The presidents added that, while most volunteer stays like these merely address surface-level, minor problems in just one tiny part of a gigantic, multinational continent, Smith managed to enact the exact kinds of massive and sweeping cultural, societal, economic and legislative reforms necessary to fix not just the symptoms but also the causes of the myriad systematic and grave problems that dogged Africa.

“That she has succeeded where millions of hopeful, naïve young Westerns – even celebrities - have failed is just singularly remarkable,” they said. “And for that, we are deeply, deeply grateful.”

Since the momentous news, millions of Africans have poured out their heartfelt thanks and praise.

“Thank you so much, Haley,” said Democratic Republic of Congo citizen, Grace Ladumba, who no longer needs fear being murdered in a civil war caused in part by the external meddling of foreign interest groups thanks to young Smith’s tireless efforts to dig a well and play soccer with fly-covered five-year-olds. “You know, we see America in such turmoil because of the brutal, dictatorial police force there – perhaps we should return the favour and send some of our young adults to save your people?”

And despite this massive outpouring of appreciation, Smith remains humble.

“Really, it’s the people of the beautiful country of Africa that I should thank,” she said. “They have profoundly affected me for the rest of my life: I can safely say that, no matter where my future will take me, my Facebook profile picture will never be the same again.”

Man gives to charity without making elaborate viral video

The philanthropic community is in uproar today, after a man reportedly donated a large sum of money to a charity organisation without filming an elaborate viral video.

According to the man, who for some reason beyond the comprehension of modern man wishes to remain anonymous, he didn’t even tweet that he had done it, or even take a selfie or use any hashtags like #charity.

This isn’t the first time he’s pulled such a mad stunt – sources close to the man say that back in August 2014 he didn’t dump a bucket of ice water over his head before giving R50 000 to an organisation working to find a cure for ALS.

And while many people say this is pure madness, scientists say that the science is feasible.

“We’ve been looking into the neurochemistry and psychology behind such irrational acts, and we have to say that the science is sound,” said lead researcher for the study, Cora Layshin. “Turns out, you actually can donate money without making it about you or yelling to the entire world in hashtagged ALL CAPS that you’re so goddamn selfless and giving and kind.”

But this is just the beginning, say scientists conducting similar research.

”We’ve been looking into the innate, very natural links between being a good human being and making sure that it’s also tagged on Facebook and linked to your Instagram account,” said Dr Narsa Sistique of the Institute of Brain Studies. “Peer-reviewed research and carefully experimentation shows that – in an utter contrast to popular belief and going against everything certain Youtubers know to be true – you can donate money or food to homeless shelters without making exploitative Social Experiment videos that make thousands of dollars in ad revenue.”

International Charity organisations have jumped onto this trend, and are now challenging thousands of budding social media philanthropists to the bold and daring new "Just Donate some Goddamn Money" challenge.

”We know that it’s difficult to comprehend, but dozens of peer-reviewed papers on the matter have shown that you can do things like asking your girlfriend to marry you without having to stage some huge viral flashmob video,” said Dr Sistique. “Every time you do something like have a cup of coffee or a vegetarian quiche at a local bistro, or go to the gym, or go for a 22km bike ride on a Friday, you can actually do it without flooding everyone’s social media feeds with it. It’s crazy, but true.”

However, not everyone is too fazed by this shocking discovery.

“There may be one or two people who upset the system by giving money without making a viral video,” said online philanthropy expert Jack Givvens, “but as long as there are hundreds of people who make viral videos or do a No Makeup Selfie challenge without giving a cent, we figure it kinda all balances out.”

Facebook to distribute likes to cancer victims

Social media giant and philanthropic website Facebook have announced that, starting today, they will now be distributing the accumulated likes, shares, and statuses aimed at ending cancer.

According to Head of Facebook's Charity wing, Sharon Lyks, the decision has been a long time coming.

"Ever since that first photo of a small girl smiling sadly at the camera, her bald head shining tragically in the little-girl-hating, cancer-giving sun, we knew we had to do something to stop this awful illness," she said in an interview with Muse and Abuse this morning. "Of course, we all know that the best way to end the combined pain and suffering of the victims of disease is to like and share photos of the internet."

The response, said Lyks, has been amazing.

"Since sharing that photo and putting it on everyone's wall, the picture has garnered over 4 billions likes and 18 billion comments," she said. "We're not sure, but we're pretty sure that's gotta be worth a lot of Internet Money."

Lyks and the Facebook team intend on taking these likes and comments to the Internet Monetary Exchange Bank later today.

The secret to its success, she said, was in Facebook users' tendency to repost the picture again and again, even if they know other people had seen it before.

"That's how much they cared about this campaign," said Lyks with a big smile. "They'll share it on all their friends' walls, even if that friend is a cancer-loving douche who replies 'oh, it's a hoax' and 'you should check these things to see if they're real, or just donate to a recognised charity', the cancer-apologist arsehole."

Facebook first shared that seminal photo in early 2003, but have now extended their charitable goodness to other worthy causes.

"World hunger, poverty, water shortages, homelessness... These are just a few of the things on the list of tragedies we are eliminating, one mouse click at a time."

Facebook's early estimates now state that homelessness and poverty are a mere 43 243 likes away from not existing.

"When it comes to creating a perfect utopian world of wonder, we believe that Facebook is right up there with those other bastions of social change: you know, email chain letters and online petitions on Change.org.

Iraq, Afghanistan announced US “Humanitarian intervention”

Citing the extreme violence and riots in Baltimore in the United States of America, leading political figures of Iraq, Iran, and other Eastern nation states have announced a humanitarian military intervention into the United States.

”It’s awful,” said Fuad Masum, President of Iraq. “When we look at the almost civil war and societal unrest happening in this country, how can we remain inactive? America was the country that brought us democracy. Sure they launched an unfounded revenge war and created an atmosphere ripe for radical extremism, but if we just let them suffer in silence, then which of us are the true monsters?”

”Besides,” he added, “we still have all their tanks and military assault rifles and munitions here. It would be nice to put them to use, or just give them back.”

Other Eastern Leaders have agreed.

“Just look at America. It’s slowly devolving into a brutal police state devoid of respect for basic human dignity and rights. They have martial law and state-enforced curfews in trying to quell huge demonstrations against an allegedly brutal police state. ” said President Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyann of the United Arab Emirates. “We have much experience in exactly these things. We can apply our expertise and return the country to its former peace.”

The international aid effort has been met by unhesitating applause by well-known Aid Organisations, such as AfriCare and Red Cross Africa.

“Every time we have riots of civil unrest here, they always express concern and want to step in and help,” said Project head of OxFam Kenya. “These poor, suffering Americans need our help, and it’s up to us to save these destitute, suffering people.”

It’s not all bad news, however, as Islamic extremist organisation ISIS has announced they’re relaxing their efforts.

“We can take a much-deserved break here,” said spokesperson for the group, Joe Hadi. “Besides, it looks like the hedonistic, godless West is destroying itself just fine without us even lifting a finger.”

"Donate Money" challenge goes viral

Following the dazzling social media popularity and successes of infamous charity awareness drives like the No Make-up Selfie challenge, the Nek nomination and the now ubiquitous Ice Bucket Challenge, international charity organisations have announced this morning an all-new viral challenge for Twitter, Facebook and Youtube users: the Donate Money at Any Local Charity Challenge.

"It's incredibly simple," said brainchild of the novel approach to online charity drives, Charl Louw. "In fact, it requires far less effort than dumping cold water on your head or just waking up and taking a photo of your mascaraless, socially-ugly face."

According to the charity organisation, the challenge is as simple as 1, 2, 3.

"You just take a cheque book, bank deposit slip or even an online donation form," said Louw, "and fill in all the relevant details, followed by an amount of your choosing to donate to the struggling organisation. Then just upload the video of you doing this and show off to all your friends and the world what selfless, egoless, philanthropic and humble person you are."

Failing that, he said, you could just dump "a bucket of money" on an ALS victim.

"If huge amounts of cash cured Magic Johnson, I'm pretty sure it could do the same for a disease that I, like many other bucket dumpers, know nothing about - and even if we did, we probably couldn't pronounce it."

Artist's impression of the new challenge.

Media and charity experts have applauded the move as "just in time in this worsening cycle of fads."

"Think about it: these campaigns started off as really benign and harmless, but in our world, we always want bigger, better, more hectic," said Online Charity Analysis Joe Blogs. "From the No Make-up Selfie to things like the Cinnamon, Ice Bucket, and even the Fire Challenges, we've seen a steady progression into increasingly dangerous forms of philanthropy. What's next, the Loaded Gun Challenge? The Slap a Rabid Cape Buffalo Challenge?"

However, initial feelings in the online community have been hesitant and resistant towards the new Challenge.

"The other ones were really great and catchy, because they were funny and required little effort," said a girl on her Facebook status, which just shows you the quality of news you're currently reading, "and also because you didn't have to actually donate any money. This just doesn't follow that winning, scientifically-proven, life-altering charity drive formula."

"I totally agree," said one guy commenting on the above statement. "How the hell is money or financial support supposed to stop, cure or prevent any disease? Typical capitalism, ruining such heart-felt initiatives. "

Readers of this blog are hereby challenged to post this or any other of our news stories on their Social Media platforms to raise awareness of the dreadful cancer afflicting our once-fine news services and organisations.

Pic: wikimedia commons

Celebrities unite to raise 0.00001% of their net worth for charity

pic: wikimedia commons

Non-government charity organisations like OxFam and AfriCare have a new contender to deal with in the Save Africa campaign, after dozens of celebrities, signers, actors and politicians combined forces in a super-fund-raiser concert series aimed at raising up to one ten thousandth of a percent of their overall combined worth for African Aid Organisations and charities.

“This is big,” said coordinator of the fund-raising initiative, Bono. “We expect to raise in charity donations almost as much as what we spend in a year on cars and clothes. Every year we make tens of billions of dollars, so it’s just nice to be able to host a concert and make our fans give us almost a fraction of a minute shard of our net worth in ticket sales to give to starving Africans.”

Stars like Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber, Madonna and Lady Gaga will take to stages across America all throughout this week to raise awareness and millions of dollars, with a portion of that awareness and money going not just to their latest albums but also to a variety of charities.

“I’m just so glad I can do my part,” said amateur wrecking ball operator and pioneer of twerking for white people, Miley Cyrus. “Africa and these kinds of charities have been a huge part of my message and so close to my heart, ever since I learnt where Africa was and also that it isn’t a country nearly two years ago.”

Not all stars, however, were so pleased.

"Those mooching fucks in Somalia have never come to one of my concerts," said voice of our generation Kanye West, "why should I come to their help?"

Even some African citizens have stressed their displeasure.

"Two of our biggest industries are getting lots of money from guilty Europeans and Americans, and all the thousands of dollars we earn making teary-eyed poverty-porn commercials involving distended bellies and crying mothers that we produce for foreign aid companies," said Minister of Film in Southern Sudan, May Kafylm. "If these celebrities solve hunger and poverty, we will actively destroying the only source of income for tens of thousands of families across the Drought Belt."

In any case, in light of these announcements, dozens of recording studios and production companies have announced their unequivocal support of the concerts, saying that they were a wonderful opportunity to raise money for sad-looking black people on TV.

“We care a lot about African countries like Mozambia and Zimbalawi,” they said. “Some people might think that these concerts are just another opportunity to try and humanise our stars who barely even live on this planet or know what a normal life is like, or make them seem more loveable, caring and humane than they really in the eyes of crowds of mindless fans who idolise their every fart, but it isn’t. This is about charity. And giving. And a bunch of other nice-sounding words.”

However, many thousands of starving Africans have reported their happiness after some stars announced that they would be airlifting crates of their latest In Concert DVDS and albums into their countries.

“I love stars and rappers and their struggle songs, like with Drake and his ‘started at the bottom now we here’,” said one Ethiopian man. “Some of these stars lived with a dollar a day in their pockets, maybe eating out of bins and sleeping on concrete, having to go to performance venues night after night to perform and earn a name for themselves. Someday, I wish my children will live in such extreme wealth and leisure like that. Imagine that, actually eating – and out of an American bin!”

Muse and Abuse donates laptop, hard drives, passports to local charity

In a surprise move at the Thursday 2O March Milner Street giveaway charity bonanza, held during broad daylight at exactly 1:10pm, Muse and Abuse's chief writer, reporter and Editor Matthew "Not actually that funny" de Klerk donated most of his prized possessions, including keys, a watch, a laptop and three hard disks containing the only backups of his four years of University work, newspaper articles and personal writing, music and photographs, to two men (who clearly wished to remain anonymous) from a Charity for struggling Probably Ex Convicts.

Muse and Abuse now joins over 400 other donors since January of this year who have donated their laptops, wallets, iPods, mobile phones, cash, and other easily-hockable and valuable items to similar charities in Grahamstown. Like Muse and Abuse, many of these donors also stored the charity donations in locked, secured and alarmed houses shortly before the handover.

The recipients of the items were endlessly happy.

"We could not be more pleased," they said probably over a beer gloating to friends at the ease of the charity giveaway. "Even though we probably live in squalor or desperate socioeconomic circumstances that force us to accept such donations."

The Charity Drive, which probably took no more than a few minutes, was joined several minutes later by members of both the Grahamstown South African Police Service and Hi-Tech Security, who called the event, "Business as usual", before adding that there was "an almost zero percent chance" that the satisfied customers would bring the items back for a refund or whatever.

"Students are just so generous and giving in our town," said Captain Howard Ahrwelukin and Sergeant Noah Tardat-Hall.

De Klerk, however, was just glad he could do his part.

"Most people might think me bitter," said the esteemed writer and philanthropist. "Most people would think me angry. Most people would think me disappointed. And in fact, most people would be absolutely fucking correct."

Those looking to make a donation should adopt a laissez-faire attitude toward personal security, or live on Milner Street.