White girl saves Africa

Haley Smith: part-time volunteer, Gender Studies graduate
and saviour of the biggest country on Earth

Famine, poverty, war and human rights abuses in Africa are no more, after stunning news has emerged that a 22-year-old white girl has singlehandedly saved the entire continent.

The American liberal arts graduate and volunteer worker, who is on her gap year between degrees and “wants to maybe work for the UN one day”, reportedly saved the struggling, war-torn and problem-riddled continent after just fourteen days of volunteer work at Uganda-based NGO aid group Helping Hand.

“Honestly, the news just blew us all away,” said the presidents of nearly 60 African countries in a joint statement. “It was just supposed to be a short-term stay at an organisation working with villagers living under the breadline and teaching English to Ugandan children, but after just a fortnight there Haley [Smith] managed to rescue the whole continent from the precipice of darkness and death.”

The presidents added that, while most volunteer stays like these merely address surface-level, minor problems in just one tiny part of a gigantic, multinational continent, Smith managed to enact the exact kinds of massive and sweeping cultural, societal, economic and legislative reforms necessary to fix not just the symptoms but also the causes of the myriad systematic and grave problems that dogged Africa.

“That she has succeeded where millions of hopeful, naïve young Westerns – even celebrities - have failed is just singularly remarkable,” they said. “And for that, we are deeply, deeply grateful.”

Since the momentous news, millions of Africans have poured out their heartfelt thanks and praise.

“Thank you so much, Haley,” said Democratic Republic of Congo citizen, Grace Ladumba, who no longer needs fear being murdered in a civil war caused in part by the external meddling of foreign interest groups thanks to young Smith’s tireless efforts to dig a well and play soccer with fly-covered five-year-olds. “You know, we see America in such turmoil because of the brutal, dictatorial police force there – perhaps we should return the favour and send some of our young adults to save your people?”

And despite this massive outpouring of appreciation, Smith remains humble.

“Really, it’s the people of the beautiful country of Africa that I should thank,” she said. “They have profoundly affected me for the rest of my life: I can safely say that, no matter where my future will take me, my Facebook profile picture will never be the same again.”

Shocking new study finds “you’re not even my real dad”

The scientific community is agog today, after breath-taking new research showed undeniable evidence that “you’re not even my real father”.

The commissioned research, which was headed by 17-year-old Rebecca Evansfield and looked deep into the scientific field of Yourdaughterology, found many disturbing correlations and links between data previously thought impossible.

“The research really has swept at least one scientist off his feet,” said Evansfield. “I mean, we found a 75% probability that you’re not the boss of me, which gives rise to the disturbing revelation that it is highly, highly likely that I can do whatever I want”.

And that’s just the beginning, says Evansfield.

“Our findings are as bold as they are startling,” she explained. “Just a few years ago, who would have thought it possible that you can’t tell me what to do anymore, or that there exist a set of very particular theoretical physical models that showed that my being a proper grown up now who doesn't have to listen to you could potentially be more than just a random statistical glitch?”

The findings, however, are fraught with controversy, and are already being contested and criticised by at least one scientist, who - the study suggests - doesn’t deserve to be married to such an amazing woman.

The findings have already been criticised by once-divorced scientist Dr Bardensen.

“Yes, we can agree that there may be an element of truth to the findings,” said 49-year-old senior lab manager at the Centre for Chemical Studies, Michael Bardensen. “Sure, scientists now speculate that this shocking possibility could extend as far as, say, you getting a tattoo on your back, or that it even may have as far-reaching ramifications as your going out whenever you want to, but its whole premise is premature.”

Bardensen stresses that the findings are rash at best.

“The data might suggest that you should be allowed to date that Senior in the football team, or be able go to Tessa’s big house party next Saturday, but I guarantee you that these discoveries are all just a part of the ups and downs of scientific enquiry,” he said. “Already I have found contradictory data that suggests that, actually, you live in my house and don’t pay rent; and previous studies published by I. M. Hyorfahtha et al stress that just wait until your mother hears about this.”

Already Bardensen’s theory has been confirmed by eminent researchers, such as senior researcher for the Home Foundation, Jessica Bardensen nee Evansfield.

“Just wait a few years,” said the counter study in a joint statement this afternoon. “You’ll see that we were right all along.”

Girl realises her life isn’t Indie music video

Pictured: Not Jessica.

It was a bad day and depressing wake-up call today for 22-year-old Jessica Barleson, after the young, dress-wearing fan of Alt-J reportedly realised that her life is not actually an Indie Music Video, and that she is not in any way the carefree, tall, skinny blonde girl depicted in the underground media.

“It’s been an awful day,” she said. “You know, I used to think I was like a real-life Lana Del Rey, drinking and loving the nights and days away in a careless and reckless haze of summer days, gorgeous men, fast cars, memorable nights out, and early mornings on a beach watching sunrises with my Ray-Ban-wearing, cardigan-bedecked friends. But now I realise that it’s nothing of the sort.”

Barleson now says that, despite her best efforts to drive in cars without a seatbelt and with one hand out the window flapping and waving through the sultry autumn breeze, or even to stand up and hold her arms outspread in the warm rays of the sun as the warm late-October wind whips her hair artistically behind her while dark-haired musos croon meaningful lyrics at her and her counterculture companions, she has to face reality.

Also pictured: not Jessica again. 

“I can’t just dance on the beach to no music, or in a public place as if no one is watching,” she said, citing mounting student debt, pressure to get a job after graduating with a degree in Fine Arts, and growing expectations from her final year Master’s thesis supervisor. “I can’t lie in the middle of the road late at night, the soft, flashing lights bathing my soft skin in the ruby, amber and emerald of a carefree life on the fringe, or even sit around a fire sipping authentic Mexican tequila and wearing nothing but a bikini top and denim shorts. Hell, I’m almost 23. I have obligations to meet. Bills to pay. Life isn’t some Music Video. I’m not some imaginary character embodying the lyrics of a song.”

Pictured a third time: people who in no way,
shape or form, represent Jessica.

So what now for the depressed, dejected teen? Well, the answer, she says, is utterly clear to her.

“I just feel so utterly betrayed,” she said, wearing a black top, dark mascara and fishnet stockings, a new, sombre tattoo of a dagger-impaled black heart decorating the side of her bone-white back. “It s like life is meaningless and a total illusion; it’s a lie, designed to heat your desires only to dash your ambitions on the dark, jagged rocks of an uncaring, brusque world filled with misery and decay. I almost feel lost in a universe of darkness and chaos.”

“It’s almost,” she said, writing a depressing poem about the meaningless void that encompasses all existence, “as if I’m one of those girls in a Bullet for my Valentine music video.”

pics: wikimedia commons, Huffington Post, Pintrest

7 Reasons why I despise Promotion Girls (Revisited)

Ever since I posted 7 Reasons why I despise Promotion Girls almost three years ago, it has (much to my chagrin) constantly received pageviews and reader comments. Maybe it was the listicle format that seems to have gripped the world à la Buzzfeed or some people’s dislike or defence of girls women who work in promotion jobs (or maybe just the fact that my blog aggregates this post into the “Most Popular” category), but it irks me because I believe now that I have grown up just a little bit and that it’s no longer indicative of me or my beliefs. I believe I think more critically, and criticize and judge less quickly.

In the opening paragraph of the infamous post, I took a reductive Urban Dictionary description of the job and those who do it. I do not feel that way at all, nor do I believe breasts to be an important factor in a buyer’s decision-making process. And this was only the beginning of a post that embarrasses me even today.

And so, here are my 7 Reasons why you shouldn’t really despise Promotion Girls.

Reason #1: They’re basically just Walking Advertisements.

I still feel strongly about the ugly people not being promotion workers thing (although ‘ugly’ and ‘beautiful’ are highly subjective and constructed notions. I get flak from friends because I don’t see the big deal about starlets like Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johansen), but you can’t really complain about promotion girls being walking advertisements selling a brand because that’s exactly what the job description is. Analogising this to Facebook or Youtube adverts is a weak, straw-man-esque argument that doesn’t really hold water. If you’re relaxing with friends in a bar and someone comes to sell you something, you can easily just politely decline instead of taking it as a personal affront. Besides, bars are absolutely filled with adverts for cheap drinks and different brands: why pick out this one fragment as any different?

Reason #2: Dress code

The internet isn’t a great tool to search for the true representation of almost anything. Boobs and revealing clothing would probably feature highly in a search like this because that is what sticks in the minds of those taking the photographs. If there was a woman (or man) walking around in a suit trying to sell you insurance or a place at their University, the average photo-uploading male probably would not take a snapshot of this.

A woman has a right to wear what she likes and do what she wants with her own body. Yes, you can easily get embroiled in the deep debate of Agency versus Socialised Norms in a Patriarchy, but wearing a miniskirt or heels or even a bikini on a night out should not affect a women’s right to do what she pleases with her body, nor should it affect her right to hold a particular opinion about skimpy clothing and anti-sexist discourse. Wearing a skirt doesn’t make you any less of a feminist, just as not voting doesn’t mean you can’t criticize government. Jesus, I mean:

“Yes, women should be allowed to wear what they want to wear fearlessly and without shame, but this is not one of those areas where this rule applies”

?

Did I really fucking write that?

Reason #3: Insincerity

There is a thing called intersectionality where something may not be due to one thing, but rather to several things at once. As I have learnt in the past few years, correlation does not equal causation.

Women who work this job probably do so having to wear short dresses and heels, pulling long hours of being judged (as I did) and leered at (as some other guys did). If they have the strength of will to pull on a smile when they approach me, nameless douche #326, then that is something to applaud, not to attack.

Reason #4: They can’t take no for an answer

I would be hesitant today to apply so vigorously the fallacy of synecdoche. One example of something does not make the rule, and we should be wary of creating false stereotypes that simply do not exist outside of one bad example. An Afrikaans friend of mine (“friend” is used quite tolerably here) is quite distinctly racist and refuses to engage in level-headed debate with me about why his opinions are completely unfounded, self-contradictory and just plain stupid. Does that mean all Afrikaaners are racist?

Reason #5: Last night.

I’m ashamed to think I took part so viciously in what is quite clearly slut shaming . I like to consider myself more rational and more critically thinking these days (thanks in some part to excellent, inspiring blogs like Tauriq Moosa’s Against the New Taboo which features on Big Think and followed on from his previous blog, The Indelible Stamp. Again, a woman has a right to do with her body what she wants. Even if she did take a “Mandingo” (*groans, facepalms and says “Jesus Christ, did I write that as well?”*), I don’t really find prostitution morally wrong. Hell, the blogs above challenged me greatly to rethink my views on everything from infanticide to abortion, and even heavy topics like incest and pedophilia. We should also be wary about terms like “standards” and “moral degradation”. These are constructed notions that rely very heavily on one’s personal biases and worldview. Even Socrates though his generation of kids was the beginning of the end.

Reason #6: Give them an inch, and they take a mile

Jesus, Matthew, it was a joke. Lighten up. Obviously you weren’t having too much fun in the bar with your friends if you’re taking all this as mortal insults. If you don’t want to buy more than one shot, just say so. If you want your change back, just ask for it. Gahd. Although you did use some clever references and metaphors there. High five! You should work for Cracked.com

Reason 7: It’s the shallowest job. Ever.

Perhaps not. I’ve never done promotion work, and so I can’t really make an adequate judgment on the skillset required to succeed, but I can imagine it takes a lot of strength to do it until 1am and much charisma and tolerance to be able to approach drunk people and have to deal with their bullshit and their ensuing blog posts like the one I wrote all those years ago.

You see, I have two sisters (very intelligent, talented sisters at that) and I’d like to think that they can do whatever job they want without men and society judging their every move and decision, be it taking off clothes in a strip club, or selling alcohol in a bar. To those reading this, I thank you for your time and I ask you to always be careful of knee-jerk emotional reactions to something. If something disgusts you (promotion girls, gay marriage, prostitution, etc), quell that reaction and think critically about why you feel that way. What disgusts you about it, and what is the empirical basis upon which to stand this feeling? 80 years ago, many would have found the notion of interracial love, equal rights, women voting and gay marriage utterly abhorrent, but it is only through full and deep consideration of these things using a very critical viewpoint and a consideration of modern ethics that we can decide on how we as members in society should react to them.

I would also like those who commented on the last article for taking the time to challenge such judgmental and baseless notions. Never be afraid to speak up, lest we damn that which we simply don’t understand. I decided not to delete the post as I have strong views on self-censorship. I don’t want to hide how I’ve changed since the beginning of my university days. If you want to hide the real you, go on Twitter or Facebook (lol). I have had many opinions change over the past few years (such as my views on the “friendzone”, for one), and I think I’d like people to be able to see that, rather than hide behind the idea that I was always considerate and thoughtful.

As we get older, we must also grow up.

Local teens “literally just cannot even”

Following what Tiffany said to Jessica this morning at the Bayside High School cafeteria, 17-year-old Britney Wilson has reportedly told the media that she “can't, [she] just literally cannot even right now”.

Friends and peers at the teen girl's school have echoed her sentiments, saying that, they too, right now, could also literally just not even.

“I mean, I can’t,” said her lab partner Amber. “I can’t. I try, but I just cannot, I literally just can’t right now. I’m done.”

This shocking report comes just days after an in-depth study of High Schools, in which it was discovered that, on a scale from Literally to Right Now, the average seventeen-year-old girl Just Can’t Even.

Experts have however, defended the reaction of these students, saying that such an inability to be able to right now was “perfectly justified” considering what that hoe-bitch said to Jess.

“It makes total sense that they would not be able to right now. What she [Tiff-Tiff] said to her [Jess] was just… wow, right?” said Socioanthropologist John Henderson of the Institute for Social Studies. “As the day goes by, many students who formerly could will find that they can’t, and perhaps a small percentage of these learners will then go on to literally be unable to just now. I heard what she said, and even I, a grown man, literally cannot.”

However, some students at the high school have defended Tiffany’s actions, saying that quote, “that skank Jess totally got what was coming to her”

“The bitch deserved it,” said in a text to us that contained far fewer vowels, grammar and comprehensible English than we’re putting across. “I mean, have you seen the way she wears her hair all up and messy […] god, and her glasses, what’s up with those?”

Some have even gone a step further, saying that although they totally think it was so frikken bitchy what Tiff said, they had to admit that “come on, we were all thinking it, Tiff just said it.”

Girl “really starting to abuse” guy’s friendship

A local area man is reportedly at the end of his tether today, after he told reporters that Jessica Heiders, 23, who still hasn’t slept with him despite his kind actions and thoughtful attitude towards her for a number of years now, is starting to abuse his “sincere and honest friendship.”

Eric Jackson says he first met the part-time student and full-time heartless ice queen at a school social between their high schools three years ago. According to Jackon, he was immediately smitten.

“She was as beautiful as an overused comparative metaphor that describes how beautiful something is,” he said. The romantic and spontaneous meet-cute between them, when he tagged along with his mates to meet a bunch of chicks, was definitely true love, he recalls. “She spoke to me and she had a Y chromosome - she was perfect! Plus we like ALL the same things. She likes the Beatles and I like the Beatles. She likes food – holy crap, I looooove food. She loves Taylor Swift, oh my god, I absolutely love pretending that I love Taylor Swift!”

It was only after they ended up at the same university, however, that he knew it was really meant to be.

“I mean, of all the tertiary education institutes to apply for to read for a degree in Journalism and Media Studies, she picks Rhodes University. What are the CHANCES?!?!?!”

Jackson’s hopes, however, were soon dashed, after Heiders started showing her exploitative, manipulative colours.

“Every morning at Res Breakfast for the past three years now I’ve sat with her and chatted about her dreams and her ambitions in life, her deepest fears and anxieties, her struggles with her alcoholic dad and her depressed mom, and also about where she sees herself in ten years not just as a career woman, but as a fully-fledged being in this mixed-up and confusing world,” he said, “and still she hasn’t slept with me. I just don’t get it.”

He added that to date not a single even vaguely sexual action had occurred between them – this even despite him writing about her in his diary on a daily basis, and composing long, multi-stanza poems dedicated to her.

“She can’t see honest and sincere I am, that I would never want to hurt her and how I’m always there for her,” he said to reporters. “Instead she just hooks up with all these other douchebags. Like, guys who play musical instruments or have so-called ‘confidence’ and who waste all their time playing sports and doing gym stuff. I mean, what do they have that I don’t? You know, except self-confidence, anything vaguely classifiable as ‘sex appeal’ or knowledge of how poetry should be written beyond a cliché and monotonous A-A-B-B-C-C flat rhyme scheme?”

Jackson has now told reporters that he is no longer sure whether or not being a true friend with no ulterior motives is a good strategy for having a right proper shag with her.

“I just don’t know anymore,” he said. “Maybe I should start being an arsehole? Like, only pretend to care about her as a person while all time the only thing I want to do is have a cheap shag? That’s what all those other moron douche kings do to her.”

However, many of his friends have strongly defended him, saying that it is not his fault, but that the blame rests entirely on her leading-him-on shoulders.

“All these years of being her shoulder to cry on, the guy who will never betray her, and still she hasn’t even touched his dick. Clearly, the bitch doesn’t understand the concept of romantic feelings towards other people,” they said in a joint statement. “Everyone knows that when you like a person that much then that person is obliged to return those feelings. Simple.”

Starting tomorrow, Fuller is now set to embark on long, snide rants about giving up on love in the face of her heartless and hurtful apathy, before moving on to spouting embittered and ennui-fuelled diatribes of cognitive dissonance later this week, mostly about how he “didn’t even really like her that much anyway.”

Water discovered in gtown pipes

Forensic experts specialising in the detection of trace elements have found striking new evidence that suggests water might have once flown through the pipes of Grahamstown.


In a breathtaking new report published in all leading South African scientific journals this morning, the team from the Rhodes University Department of Nanotech Quanititative Analysis say that the decades-old pipes that lie under Gtown's busy streets may have once had water running through them.

"In a systematic study of the toxic sludge and strange substances that might once have been a polar solvent in our pipes, we discovered traces of what could have been running, clear, drinkable water," said the chief data analyst Rhee Dzepaiges. "Well, not that drinkable, but yeah, if you were too lazy to go to the spring you could probably drink it."

Grahamstown's pipeline network was first installed in 1923, but it was only recently that they were finally renovated to fulfill their original purpose of transporting air and large quantities of nothing around the town.

"Engineers back then were worried that there wasn't enough air and nothing flowing into each house," said Head of the Rhodes History Department Ayn Chentbhooks. "In June of that year, they completed their project, and every tap had large amounts of nothing and air flooding out their taps and supply outlets."

However, in 1936 the pipeline was accidentally flooded with water, thus kicking off the first of the "Water Outrage Crisis" protests. "

It was utter chaos," said Chentbhooks. "Just think: water, flowing freely and coolly out of every tap and into every toilet. How grim."

Protesters reportedly lined the streets carrying inspiring anti-H20 signs such as "water we going to do?" and "this blows, it H(as) 2 (g)0."

"Some of these signs' puns took up to three days to think of," said Chentbhooks.


Then, in 1989, the Municipality introduced a new dual purpose to the pipeline: transporting a low-grade chemical poison to each house.

"The benefits and uses of this heavy-metal-enriched solvent was immediately evident," said Chentbhooks. "People used it for all kinds of daily activities, such as bathing, brushing their teeth, and synthesising cheap Mercury and Aluminium compounds in the comfort of their homes."

The scientific report has stunned the people of Grahamstown.

"Every time I open one of the taps in my house and try to imagine water coming out of it, it just boggles my mind. Impossible!" said local resident and Mercury salesman John Manders.

"I just don't get it," said long-time resident and bartender Noah Hunderayteen. "Where did all those people get their daily heavy metal supplement from?"

Now all that is left is for the Rhodes team to date when this water might have once run - a process that is proving challenging.

"The water record, as we're calling it, comes and goes. It appears and disappears sporadically as we look at the pipes. However, initial radiometric dating have suggested that there may have been water many millions of years ago in this age, perhaps in the pleolitithic era," said head of carboradiometry. "But then again, some evidence suggest that the water might have been in the pipes until as recently as three weeks ago. We just don't know."

In related news, Makana Municipality has sent out a statement asking all residents to remember that the rates charged for the maintenance of their underground oxygen pipes is to go up at the end of the month.

"We're also thinking of upping the costs for our extensive darkness network, which runs into each home and ensures that families can enjoy the quiet bliss of utter darkness at least once a month."