Showing posts with label OMG. Show all posts
Showing posts with label OMG. Show all posts

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Local teens “literally just cannot even”

Following what Tiffany said to Jessica this morning at the Bayside High School cafeteria, 17-year-old Britney Wilson has reportedly told the media that she “can't, [she] just literally cannot even right now”.

Friends and peers at the teen girl's school have echoed her sentiments, saying that, they too, right now, could also literally just not even.

“I mean, I can’t,” said her lab partner Amber. “I can’t. I try, but I just cannot, I literally just can’t right now. I’m done.”

This shocking report comes just days after an in-depth study of High Schools, in which it was discovered that, on a scale from Literally to Right Now, the average seventeen-year-old girl Just Can’t Even.

Experts have however, defended the reaction of these students, saying that such an inability to be able to right now was “perfectly justified” considering what that hoe-bitch said to Jess.

“It makes total sense that they would not be able to right now. What she [Tiff-Tiff] said to her [Jess] was just… wow, right?” said Socioanthropologist John Henderson of the Institute for Social Studies. “As the day goes by, many students who formerly could will find that they can’t, and perhaps a small percentage of these learners will then go on to literally be unable to just now. I heard what she said, and even I, a grown man, literally cannot.”

However, some students at the high school have defended Tiffany’s actions, saying that quote, “that skank Jess totally got what was coming to her”

“The bitch deserved it,” said in a text to us that contained far fewer vowels, grammar and comprehensible English than we’re putting across. “I mean, have you seen the way she wears her hair all up and messy […] god, and her glasses, what’s up with those?”

Some have even gone a step further, saying that although they totally think it was so frikken bitchy what Tiff said, they had to admit that “come on, we were all thinking it, Tiff just said it.”

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Emergency services send teen girl help

NetCare24 has released a statement this morning, telling of their decision to send an ambulance to a 15-year-old girl's house, shortly after they realised that she hadn't updated her status in the last 5 minutes.

"We were just sitting there, minding our own newsfeeds, when we suddenly realised that we hadn't read anything about her totz amazeballs trip with her gorjus frenz xoxoxox to Balito bay last weekend," said head of the Help Centre Tay Kincalls. "We thought nothing of it for a while - sometimes these lapses happen."


However, they immediately flew into action when they realised there was something serious going on.

"That was when her best friend Kelly, who just left her asshole boyfriend Jake and she totally deserves a better guy a guy hu will make her feel special and we neva liked him anyway cos of his weird eyebrows, posted 184 photos of herself on Facebook," said Net24 social media watchdog, Julia Henderson.

When the girl hadn't liked a single one after a whole eight seconds, the emergency services flew into action.

"She just doesn't possess that kind of social media network selfcontrol that most normal fucking people have," said Henderson.

Normal Facebook users who don't post statuses about every goddamn thing that happens in their life who see these kinds of people suddenly falling silent can call the NetCare 24-hour emergency line at 1-800-UNFRIEND.