Man in shower suddenly remembers he's a terrible person

Citing the soothing, calming and meditation-provoking sound and feeling of warm water pattering lightly against his skull and skin, a 38-year-old man reportedly had a silent weep in the shower this morning, after every single fucked up thing he’s ever done in his life simultaneously came rushing back to haunt him like a video montage made of sledgehammers.

“It was brutal,” said Eric Sohbes in an exaggerated bass baritone to make up for the masculinity he lost from being a fully-grown man weeping in the shower at 9am on a Wednesday. “One minute I was relaxing under the gentle torrent of blissfully warm water, and the next I suddenly remembered that time I was 17 and told a friend that women should dress ‘less like a slut’ and ‘not drink so much’ to avoid being a victim of sexual crimes. Jesus. Was I that person?”

Sohbes explained that the memories of all the times he’d made racist jokes, catcalled women, ignored starving homeless people in the street, finished Matt's last beer without asking, not replaced the TP after finishing it, and generally been a raging douche-monster in otherwise civil society – combined with the ultra-clear hindsight that he had been the dick-faced ass-hate in every failed relationship he’d ever had since seventh grade – were just too much.

“I’ve just… God, I wish I could take it back. But I can’t,” he said, crouching down on his knees in under the showerhead, bracing himself against the tiled wall with one hand and biting a fist to stem the ugly, heart-tugging sound of a grown man realising his horrifying, terrible past.

This sudden flood of memory and emotion was reportedly compounded by a feeling of hopeless despair and desperation for the future.

“It’s all so unclear,” he said. “What if, in seven years, I look back at what I am right now and regret everything I think is okay now? What’s the point of it all? Geez, I’m 38! Shouldn’t life be certain by now?”

However, at the time of going to press, Sohbe’s sudden epiphany had faded away during the car trip over to his ex-girlfriend’s house to patch things up.

“Yeah, he kinda just sat there in the car outside her place with a look of dumb incredulity smeared on his face,” said one eyewitness. “I think he had that second-wave realisation of ‘what am I doing, nah, actually I can’t have been that bad, could I?”

Friends and colleagues have confirmed this.

“He told this real knee-slapper about two jews and a black man fighting over a chicken bone at the water cooler this morning,” said co-worker Roy Sissem. “For a while there I was worried the old E-Dawg might have left us.”

His parents, too, have denied the incident.

“Yes, he took a long time in the shower this morning,” said his mom and dad, “but he always takes a bloody long time in the shower”, adding that the “hot-water-finishing son of a bitch” was “probably just fapping” again.

Pic: Memecrunch  

Grahamstown enters history books

A first for the record books today, after Makana Municipality's hard work to make Grahamstown the Guinness Books of World Records's First Place on Earth you can Smell From Space were finally recognised by international record-keepers.

"We were immediately stunned," said Major of Grahamstown Bhadi Owda, "and not just by the horrific nasal-cavity-destroying stench emanating from our populace's unwashed, disgusting bodies. It really is a huge deal."

Officials from the world records organisation now say that Makana Municipality's efforts have been breathtaking, and not just because the people there all smell like a four-month-old pustulating rectal ulcer dressed in cabbage-soup-soaked used diapers.

"They were tireless, committed, in their efforts," said Rex Kords from the GBWR. "Most places would get a small percentage of their population involved on a voluntary basis to break a record of some kind, like biggest omelette or something. Not these guys. Not only have they been working tirelessly - sometimes for as much as twelve minutes a week - at creating the perfect conditions to break this record in the surrounding extensions and townships for many years now, but they recently went on a week-long drive to achieve that last necessary bit, cutting water and basic services ad going on strike and not collecting bins. It's been commendable, to say the least."

The five-day drive, which was sponsored by Pick 'n Pay which in totally unrelated news is selling water at about 100% more than the usual price, has reeked, sorry, reaped huge results.

"It's true," said Commander Chris Hadfield of the International Space Station. "You know, you hear a lot of myths about what earth-bound things you can see or whatever from space - like the Great Wall of China - but I can honestly smell them from here. I'd be impressed, even say what a magnificent first it is for the annals of human history and the record books, but jesus, I can't. It just clunks so much."

However, it would seem that not everyone is happy, as recent protest action has demonstrated.

"It's oppressive, I just can't lead a normal life," said one student. "The foetid, rank stench of my malodorous, nasty and festering armpits that wafts in near-physical waves off my body like a tidal wave of rotten air means I can't fist-pump in Friars or down a beer without making everyone around me gag. And the library - not the most pleasant of places, not that I ever go there - geez, let's not even go there."

The Municipality has since stressed its disappointment at such a reaction.

"We do all this work, selfless and tireless slog, and this is the thanks we get?," said Mayor Owda. "Just goes to show how childish these Grahamstonians are. Which would you rather have: basic amenities in the form of a Consititutionally guaranteed Human Right, or a place in the big shiny record book with the cool holographic cover? I think the answer is pretty obvious, am I right?"

President Jacob Zuma has also extended his congratulations to the small town, saying that he's surprised anyone can create anything that stinks more than his leadership skills or general political mandate.

"But please," he said between vomiting spells which will form the final draft of the National Development Plan, "just take a shower. I can smell you even when underwater in my fire pool."

Pic: wikimedia commons

Makana launch probe into unbroken pipe

Makana Municipality has announced their intention to launch a series of in-depth investigations and reports into the water pipe running up High Street, saying that there has got to be some insidious reason it hasn't broken yet.

The pipe, located on the corner of High Street, has apparently not leaked once since its installation in 1989.

"The pipes of Grahamstown have been incorporated into the ground to naturally, automatically and eventually convert into fountains, free car-washes, and small rivers," said Mayor of the City of Saints, Jake Kalimba. "This pipe, this one is a whole different story."

According to the Municipality, all the pipe does all day is merely transport water from A to B.

"It has not served all the other functions that we equate with Gtown water pipes," he said.

Grahamstonians have been equally mystified.

"We just don't get it," said Fingo resident Rob Dabiedamuni. "Raglan Road, New Street, the higher suburbs... they are all broken. What makes this one pipe so special?"

Many local residents have applauded the Municipality's decision, but have said that there is still much more that needs similar investigation.

"It's a step in the right direction, but the Mayor needs to look into other things, like the small section of road at the bottom of my driveway, and the electricity supply at my neighbour's house," said resident John Tom. "These two have been respectively pothole-free and uninterrupted since we came here."

The Mayor has promised action.

"We will get to the bottom of this, even if we have to dig all day," he said

Canoes may appear at drinking festival

The addition of traditional white-water canoes, pictured,
to these events have caused much consternation and
controversy.
pic: http://www.ichauffeur.co.uk/events/news/2009/02/the-oxford-and-cambridge-boat-race/

Thousands of students gearing up for this weekend's giant Hansa Drinking and Alcohol Festival held by Fish River in Cradock, the Eastern Cape, are reportedly in arms over the news that a canoe race might be held alongside the drinking festivities next weekend. 

"The Fish River Drinking Marathon has long been one of the greatest parties and drunken get-togethers in South Africa, just after the Port Alfred Drinking Boatraces and the Inter-Varsity Drinking Competition," said event organiser Nota Boutsport. "And now, alongside the lineup of DJs, sexy Red Bull girls and cheap drinks, we might even have some sports. Or something."

Many students planning to attend the event are reportedly excited by the addition.

"You know, I'm travelling a long way to get ultimately trashed as hell, and so if i get to see some boats, you know, maybe for a few minutes, well, that's a plus for me," said third-year Wits student Rachel Devibes. 

This is not the first time, however, that such a change to drinking festivals have been made.

"Back in 1977, when the annual Boat Races was all about drinking and nothing more, the party organisers thought it would be really cool if some, like, boats came by. You know, cos of the name," said South African Party historian Daits Antyms. "We've seen similar additions of sport to famous booze fests, such as the Tri-Var thing, which was originally named because of the three variations (Tri-Var) of booze - wine, beer and spirits - that were consumed over the three-day competition."

These additions were somewhat successful, and have been continued.

"I hear they even give out these fake trophies to give it an air of officialism and stuff," said Antyms. "You'd almost think that sport was a central part of the proceedings."

However, many attendees are worried that these new changes will ruin the spirit of the event, and detract from the real point of the whole festival weekend.

"This marathon weekend is supposed to be dedicated to the ultimate contest of struggle and will, and the pure essence of competition," said student and fourth-time Fish attendee Dow Ndowns. "How can we laud the astounding achievements of these accomplished alcoholics if there're these flippen' sportsmen and their bloody boats trying to steal the spotlight?"

In spite of this, many more students are not at all worried about the changes.

"I've been to the Boat Races before, and half of us didn't even see a boat," said fourth-year BSc student Marion Phistpumps. "So like, who cares? These guys are acting as if these events are all about sport."

Events organisers have arranged for the racing to be right between dancing and the complex art of getting plastered, so as to disturb or distract the partygoers as little as possible.

"We don't want people to think that we're prioritising the wrong crowd," said Boutsports,

Water discovered in gtown pipes

Forensic experts specialising in the detection of trace elements have found striking new evidence that suggests water might have once flown through the pipes of Grahamstown.


In a breathtaking new report published in all leading South African scientific journals this morning, the team from the Rhodes University Department of Nanotech Quanititative Analysis say that the decades-old pipes that lie under Gtown's busy streets may have once had water running through them.

"In a systematic study of the toxic sludge and strange substances that might once have been a polar solvent in our pipes, we discovered traces of what could have been running, clear, drinkable water," said the chief data analyst Rhee Dzepaiges. "Well, not that drinkable, but yeah, if you were too lazy to go to the spring you could probably drink it."

Grahamstown's pipeline network was first installed in 1923, but it was only recently that they were finally renovated to fulfill their original purpose of transporting air and large quantities of nothing around the town.

"Engineers back then were worried that there wasn't enough air and nothing flowing into each house," said Head of the Rhodes History Department Ayn Chentbhooks. "In June of that year, they completed their project, and every tap had large amounts of nothing and air flooding out their taps and supply outlets."

However, in 1936 the pipeline was accidentally flooded with water, thus kicking off the first of the "Water Outrage Crisis" protests. "

It was utter chaos," said Chentbhooks. "Just think: water, flowing freely and coolly out of every tap and into every toilet. How grim."

Protesters reportedly lined the streets carrying inspiring anti-H20 signs such as "water we going to do?" and "this blows, it H(as) 2 (g)0."

"Some of these signs' puns took up to three days to think of," said Chentbhooks.


Then, in 1989, the Municipality introduced a new dual purpose to the pipeline: transporting a low-grade chemical poison to each house.

"The benefits and uses of this heavy-metal-enriched solvent was immediately evident," said Chentbhooks. "People used it for all kinds of daily activities, such as bathing, brushing their teeth, and synthesising cheap Mercury and Aluminium compounds in the comfort of their homes."

The scientific report has stunned the people of Grahamstown.

"Every time I open one of the taps in my house and try to imagine water coming out of it, it just boggles my mind. Impossible!" said local resident and Mercury salesman John Manders.

"I just don't get it," said long-time resident and bartender Noah Hunderayteen. "Where did all those people get their daily heavy metal supplement from?"

Now all that is left is for the Rhodes team to date when this water might have once run - a process that is proving challenging.

"The water record, as we're calling it, comes and goes. It appears and disappears sporadically as we look at the pipes. However, initial radiometric dating have suggested that there may have been water many millions of years ago in this age, perhaps in the pleolitithic era," said head of carboradiometry. "But then again, some evidence suggest that the water might have been in the pipes until as recently as three weeks ago. We just don't know."

In related news, Makana Municipality has sent out a statement asking all residents to remember that the rates charged for the maintenance of their underground oxygen pipes is to go up at the end of the month.

"We're also thinking of upping the costs for our extensive darkness network, which runs into each home and ensures that families can enjoy the quiet bliss of utter darkness at least once a month."

Grahamstown municipality cuts water, saves countless lives

pic: Wikimedia Commons

In an attempt to improve health and safety measures in the Grahamstown community, Makana Municipality has today cut off the water supply.

“Just taste the water. Taste it. Clearly you shouldn't drink something that foul. By doing this, we’re saving countless lives,” said mayor of Grahamstown, Igno Ramus.

“Some people said that we should replace the broken or faulty pipes and give our water treatment plants a complete overhaul, but as soon as I heard that that would mean cutting funds to my Mercedes-Benz kickbacks bonus, I knew that there had to be better ways to solve the problem. And I think we have found the solution,” he said.

Grahamstown water is current purified in an intense, 3-step filtration process. The water is passed though a fine cotton sheet, before going through two rigourous sand filters. It is finally forced through a not-too-dirty sock before being pumped back into the pipes.

“Some might say that the system needs replacement. Kak, man. A boere maak a plan,” said head of Grahamstown water works Phil Tehr.

The mayor stressed that in these measures he was just “jumping to the inevitable”. 

“The last time these pipes were replaced, Verwoede had just been elected into government. That’s very convenient for me, because blaming that dead dude is very popular these days. Besides, the pipes were gonna all cut out one day. I just made that ‘one day’ ‘today’,” he said.

Pulling out a report carried out by the Department of Science, Ramus showed how it was scientifically proven that water was extremely dangerous.

“In 100% of recorded cases, drowning has involved water. The same applies for 100% of shipwrecks. The evidence speaks for itself,” he said. “By stopping this poisonous substance, we will never again have another drowning or shipwreck in Grahamstown again.”

The major also stressed the health benefits of not having water.

“Now we are promoting a culture of exercise. Everyone can take walks to the spring to get their water,” Ramus said.

He also expressed concerns about the high levels of metal found in the water. 

“In some places our men have dug up aluminium water pipes. They were iron when we put them in the ground,” he said.

Residents have met the move with praise.

“I used to drink the water out the tap because I was too lazy to get proper, healthy water. Now, although I have no choice. This will also cut down a lot on first-year spread,” said second-year Finance student, Hugh Jass.

“This move will be very positive for the community and for people’s health and safety,” said manager of local bottled water supplier Aquavie, Eumust Pai. “It has nothing to do with our business and the sickeningly awesome profits that we’re going to rake in,” he said, adding that the decision to cut water also had nothing to do with the brown envelopes he had been sending the Mayor every month. “Besides, it’s not money in those envelopes, cross my heart, Scout’s honour. It’s just our weekly newsletter.” 

Some businesses, however, have criticised the move.

"I used to use banned class-5 toxic pesticides to kill the bugs that ate my crops, but I switched over to Grahamstown tap water because it's much cheaper and probably more deadly," said local farmer James Ploughfields, who made a small fortune in farming after starting with a big one. "This is gonna make farming so much more expensive."

Since the move, the Municipality has announced similar plans to cut other services, such as electricity, transport and police services.

“initial research shows that 100% of electrocutions involve electricity and sometimes stupidity. Since parliament has taken the worst of the idiots off the street and put them safely into government, we just have to do something about Eskom,” said Ramus.

He hoped that electricity would be banned outright by the end of the year. “It’s a selfless, move to protect the masses,” he said, hiding a Johnston’s Candles supplier tender proposal and accompanying bottle of Chivas Regal behind his back.

He aired similar views about other services.

“Where there are police, there is crime. By getting rid of police, we’ll be getting rid of crime. It’s that simple”. 

When asked if he knew what a logical fallacy was, he expressed anger.
“Don’t talk to me about logical phalluses. It’s disrespectful to our culture and president.”

Upon hearing this these proposals, students in particular expressed gratitude and excitement. 

"No electricity means no essays and more extensions. Sure, it'll negatively affect our education, but I'm studying Latin and Mesopotamian History. It's not like I'll use those in a job one day anyway," said fourth-year student Philip Burgers.

Other students have aired similar happiness.

"Sure, you can’t flush toilets, and every residence now smells like Saddam Hussein’s spiderhole after 18 months in hiding, but we think it’s worth all the lives we’ve saved. And yes, you can’t brush your teeth, but you can just scrape them with a twig from licorice bush, gum tree, or the Salvadora Persica tree. You know, old-school style. Besides, personal hygience, showering and maintaining a necessary level of hydration are overrated," said English student Toby Ornotobi.

The move has, however, brought about some criticism, especially from the government.

“We thought that Zuma was clear when he said that showers stop AIDS. The Mayor’s move will only exacerbate this disease that doesn't exist,” said MEC for Health and ex-AIDS Policy-maker for the Mbeki regime, Eimin de Nile.

However, the Mayor was quick to point out that there were methods of dealing with this.
“We are shipping in large quantities of garlic, lemon, and African Beetroot to counteract any negative effects this initiative might have.”