Citing the soothing, calming and meditation-provoking sound and feeling of warm water pattering lightly against his skull and skin, a 38-year-old man reportedly had a silent weep in the shower this morning, after every single fucked up thing he’s ever done in his life simultaneously came rushing back to haunt him like a video montage made of sledgehammers.
“It was brutal,” said Eric Sohbes in an exaggerated bass baritone to make up for the masculinity he lost from being a fully-grown man weeping in the shower at 9am on a Wednesday. “One minute I was relaxing under the gentle torrent of blissfully warm water, and the next I suddenly remembered that time I was 17 and told a friend that women should dress ‘less like a slut’ and ‘not drink so much’ to avoid being a victim of sexual crimes. Jesus. Was I that person?”
Sohbes explained that the memories of all the times he’d made racist jokes, catcalled women, ignored starving homeless people in the street, finished Matt's last beer without asking, not replaced the TP after finishing it, and generally been a raging douche-monster in otherwise civil society – combined with the ultra-clear hindsight that he had been the dick-faced ass-hate in every failed relationship he’d ever had since seventh grade – were just too much.
“I’ve just… God, I wish I could take it back. But I can’t,” he said, crouching down on his knees in under the showerhead, bracing himself against the tiled wall with one hand and biting a fist to stem the ugly, heart-tugging sound of a grown man realising his horrifying, terrible past.
This sudden flood of memory and emotion was reportedly compounded by a feeling of hopeless despair and desperation for the future.
“It’s all so unclear,” he said. “What if, in seven years, I look back at what I am right now and regret everything I think is okay now? What’s the point of it all? Geez, I’m 38! Shouldn’t life be certain by now?”
However, at the time of going to press, Sohbe’s sudden epiphany had faded away during the car trip over to his ex-girlfriend’s house to patch things up.
“Yeah, he kinda just sat there in the car outside her place with a look of dumb incredulity smeared on his face,” said one eyewitness. “I think he had that second-wave realisation of ‘what am I doing, nah, actually I can’t have been that bad, could I?”
Friends and colleagues have confirmed this.
“He told this real knee-slapper about two jews and a black man fighting over a chicken bone at the water cooler this morning,” said co-worker Roy Sissem. “For a while there I was worried the old E-Dawg might have left us.”
His parents, too, have denied the incident.
“Yes, he took a long time in the shower this morning,” said his mom and dad, “but he always takes a bloody long time in the shower”, adding that the “hot-water-finishing son of a bitch” was “probably just fapping” again.Pic: Memecrunch
