Man in shower suddenly remembers he's a terrible person

Citing the soothing, calming and meditation-provoking sound and feeling of warm water pattering lightly against his skull and skin, a 38-year-old man reportedly had a silent weep in the shower this morning, after every single fucked up thing he’s ever done in his life simultaneously came rushing back to haunt him like a video montage made of sledgehammers.

“It was brutal,” said Eric Sohbes in an exaggerated bass baritone to make up for the masculinity he lost from being a fully-grown man weeping in the shower at 9am on a Wednesday. “One minute I was relaxing under the gentle torrent of blissfully warm water, and the next I suddenly remembered that time I was 17 and told a friend that women should dress ‘less like a slut’ and ‘not drink so much’ to avoid being a victim of sexual crimes. Jesus. Was I that person?”

Sohbes explained that the memories of all the times he’d made racist jokes, catcalled women, ignored starving homeless people in the street, finished Matt's last beer without asking, not replaced the TP after finishing it, and generally been a raging douche-monster in otherwise civil society – combined with the ultra-clear hindsight that he had been the dick-faced ass-hate in every failed relationship he’d ever had since seventh grade – were just too much.

“I’ve just… God, I wish I could take it back. But I can’t,” he said, crouching down on his knees in under the showerhead, bracing himself against the tiled wall with one hand and biting a fist to stem the ugly, heart-tugging sound of a grown man realising his horrifying, terrible past.

This sudden flood of memory and emotion was reportedly compounded by a feeling of hopeless despair and desperation for the future.

“It’s all so unclear,” he said. “What if, in seven years, I look back at what I am right now and regret everything I think is okay now? What’s the point of it all? Geez, I’m 38! Shouldn’t life be certain by now?”

However, at the time of going to press, Sohbe’s sudden epiphany had faded away during the car trip over to his ex-girlfriend’s house to patch things up.

“Yeah, he kinda just sat there in the car outside her place with a look of dumb incredulity smeared on his face,” said one eyewitness. “I think he had that second-wave realisation of ‘what am I doing, nah, actually I can’t have been that bad, could I?”

Friends and colleagues have confirmed this.

“He told this real knee-slapper about two jews and a black man fighting over a chicken bone at the water cooler this morning,” said co-worker Roy Sissem. “For a while there I was worried the old E-Dawg might have left us.”

His parents, too, have denied the incident.

“Yes, he took a long time in the shower this morning,” said his mom and dad, “but he always takes a bloody long time in the shower”, adding that the “hot-water-finishing son of a bitch” was “probably just fapping” again.

Pic: Memecrunch  

Grahamstown enters history books

A first for the record books today, after Makana Municipality's hard work to make Grahamstown the Guinness Books of World Records's First Place on Earth you can Smell From Space were finally recognised by international record-keepers.

"We were immediately stunned," said Major of Grahamstown Bhadi Owda, "and not just by the horrific nasal-cavity-destroying stench emanating from our populace's unwashed, disgusting bodies. It really is a huge deal."

Officials from the world records organisation now say that Makana Municipality's efforts have been breathtaking, and not just because the people there all smell like a four-month-old pustulating rectal ulcer dressed in cabbage-soup-soaked used diapers.

"They were tireless, committed, in their efforts," said Rex Kords from the GBWR. "Most places would get a small percentage of their population involved on a voluntary basis to break a record of some kind, like biggest omelette or something. Not these guys. Not only have they been working tirelessly - sometimes for as much as twelve minutes a week - at creating the perfect conditions to break this record in the surrounding extensions and townships for many years now, but they recently went on a week-long drive to achieve that last necessary bit, cutting water and basic services ad going on strike and not collecting bins. It's been commendable, to say the least."

The five-day drive, which was sponsored by Pick 'n Pay which in totally unrelated news is selling water at about 100% more than the usual price, has reeked, sorry, reaped huge results.

"It's true," said Commander Chris Hadfield of the International Space Station. "You know, you hear a lot of myths about what earth-bound things you can see or whatever from space - like the Great Wall of China - but I can honestly smell them from here. I'd be impressed, even say what a magnificent first it is for the annals of human history and the record books, but jesus, I can't. It just clunks so much."

However, it would seem that not everyone is happy, as recent protest action has demonstrated.

"It's oppressive, I just can't lead a normal life," said one student. "The foetid, rank stench of my malodorous, nasty and festering armpits that wafts in near-physical waves off my body like a tidal wave of rotten air means I can't fist-pump in Friars or down a beer without making everyone around me gag. And the library - not the most pleasant of places, not that I ever go there - geez, let's not even go there."

The Municipality has since stressed its disappointment at such a reaction.

"We do all this work, selfless and tireless slog, and this is the thanks we get?," said Mayor Owda. "Just goes to show how childish these Grahamstonians are. Which would you rather have: basic amenities in the form of a Consititutionally guaranteed Human Right, or a place in the big shiny record book with the cool holographic cover? I think the answer is pretty obvious, am I right?"

President Jacob Zuma has also extended his congratulations to the small town, saying that he's surprised anyone can create anything that stinks more than his leadership skills or general political mandate.

"But please," he said between vomiting spells which will form the final draft of the National Development Plan, "just take a shower. I can smell you even when underwater in my fire pool."

Pic: wikimedia commons