One small dubstep for man...

Many of us have at one stage in our life danced to what sounds like four robots having a seizure inside an oversized industrial garbage compacter, but there are very few who are clued up as to how this musical genre became a clubbing staple. Thanks to startling new evidence uncovered by researchers at the Department of Research in Underground Music and the Bachman Association for Statistical Studies, the true origins of this musical form have been thrust into the spotlight.

“It all started in early 2003,” says Head Researcher for the teams from DRUM and BASS, Rone Exskill. “According to a diary entry by a smalltime DJ at a small indie event in California, he spilt his drink on the soundboard, causing it to malfunction. Being a student, he couldn’t afford the repairs to the expensive hardware, and so he just kept acting like he was DJ’ing.”

The ploy worked, and slowly the secret spread. By Spring of 2005, Disc Jockeys across the country had their own busted equipment. 

Some of the early equipment is now housed in the Museum of Dubstep.

“It was a golden era, man,” recalls ex-DJ LooseKable. “I remember we’d all go around old tips and to Cash Crusaders and buy up all their crappy equipment. The more pops, squeaks and feedback we could get, the better. Sometimes we’d put all of our CDs and equipment onto one wooden base and throw it off a building – hence the expression, ‘dropping the base’. And best of all is that the people didn’t even notice. Hell, we were praised as geniuses.”

Dubstep DJs became more and more creative and bold with their music mixing, making more and more complex tracks to dance to, or rather, to shake your body back and forth like a velociraptor to while you reel around drunk, a cigarette in your hand that you’re not even smoking.

“We started playing around with all kinds of completely effed music,” tells LooseKable. “Broken CDs, cracked vinyls… even a few Nickleback albums.”

It wasn’t to last, however. Soon, the secret methods behind early dubstep had reached ears further to the East coast. New and more creative forms of dubstep coming from emerging talent forced the old stuff into obsolescence.

“After early 2006, things just weren’t the same again,” recall ex-DJs PoppedWoofer and WhiteNoiz. “A whole new bunch of DJs swept in and changed the whole game. Ever since Skrillex dropped his phone into a blender whilst Transformers 3 was playing on a broken television in the background, there’s been a lot of fierce competition.”

The early pioneers of the music genre were soon left without a crowd. “They moved on quickly,” said WhiteNoiz. He now works in Debonairs – the only place, he says, where he can still drop the base from time to time, even if his manager threatens to fire him after each offence.

When asked whether he’ll ever touch his decks again, WhiteNoiz smiles. “I’ve been playing around with a new form of dubstep: live dubstep. I’ve had marginal success with forcing a bunch of cats and a screwy microphone into a bag and beating it against a sheet of tin, but we’ll just have to see where it goes from here.”

Grahamstown municipality cuts water, saves countless lives

pic: Wikimedia Commons

In an attempt to improve health and safety measures in the Grahamstown community, Makana Municipality has today cut off the water supply.

“Just taste the water. Taste it. Clearly you shouldn't drink something that foul. By doing this, we’re saving countless lives,” said mayor of Grahamstown, Igno Ramus.

“Some people said that we should replace the broken or faulty pipes and give our water treatment plants a complete overhaul, but as soon as I heard that that would mean cutting funds to my Mercedes-Benz kickbacks bonus, I knew that there had to be better ways to solve the problem. And I think we have found the solution,” he said.

Grahamstown water is current purified in an intense, 3-step filtration process. The water is passed though a fine cotton sheet, before going through two rigourous sand filters. It is finally forced through a not-too-dirty sock before being pumped back into the pipes.

“Some might say that the system needs replacement. Kak, man. A boere maak a plan,” said head of Grahamstown water works Phil Tehr.

The mayor stressed that in these measures he was just “jumping to the inevitable”. 

“The last time these pipes were replaced, Verwoede had just been elected into government. That’s very convenient for me, because blaming that dead dude is very popular these days. Besides, the pipes were gonna all cut out one day. I just made that ‘one day’ ‘today’,” he said.

Pulling out a report carried out by the Department of Science, Ramus showed how it was scientifically proven that water was extremely dangerous.

“In 100% of recorded cases, drowning has involved water. The same applies for 100% of shipwrecks. The evidence speaks for itself,” he said. “By stopping this poisonous substance, we will never again have another drowning or shipwreck in Grahamstown again.”

The major also stressed the health benefits of not having water.

“Now we are promoting a culture of exercise. Everyone can take walks to the spring to get their water,” Ramus said.

He also expressed concerns about the high levels of metal found in the water. 

“In some places our men have dug up aluminium water pipes. They were iron when we put them in the ground,” he said.

Residents have met the move with praise.

“I used to drink the water out the tap because I was too lazy to get proper, healthy water. Now, although I have no choice. This will also cut down a lot on first-year spread,” said second-year Finance student, Hugh Jass.

“This move will be very positive for the community and for people’s health and safety,” said manager of local bottled water supplier Aquavie, Eumust Pai. “It has nothing to do with our business and the sickeningly awesome profits that we’re going to rake in,” he said, adding that the decision to cut water also had nothing to do with the brown envelopes he had been sending the Mayor every month. “Besides, it’s not money in those envelopes, cross my heart, Scout’s honour. It’s just our weekly newsletter.” 

Some businesses, however, have criticised the move.

"I used to use banned class-5 toxic pesticides to kill the bugs that ate my crops, but I switched over to Grahamstown tap water because it's much cheaper and probably more deadly," said local farmer James Ploughfields, who made a small fortune in farming after starting with a big one. "This is gonna make farming so much more expensive."

Since the move, the Municipality has announced similar plans to cut other services, such as electricity, transport and police services.

“initial research shows that 100% of electrocutions involve electricity and sometimes stupidity. Since parliament has taken the worst of the idiots off the street and put them safely into government, we just have to do something about Eskom,” said Ramus.

He hoped that electricity would be banned outright by the end of the year. “It’s a selfless, move to protect the masses,” he said, hiding a Johnston’s Candles supplier tender proposal and accompanying bottle of Chivas Regal behind his back.

He aired similar views about other services.

“Where there are police, there is crime. By getting rid of police, we’ll be getting rid of crime. It’s that simple”. 

When asked if he knew what a logical fallacy was, he expressed anger.
“Don’t talk to me about logical phalluses. It’s disrespectful to our culture and president.”

Upon hearing this these proposals, students in particular expressed gratitude and excitement. 

"No electricity means no essays and more extensions. Sure, it'll negatively affect our education, but I'm studying Latin and Mesopotamian History. It's not like I'll use those in a job one day anyway," said fourth-year student Philip Burgers.

Other students have aired similar happiness.

"Sure, you can’t flush toilets, and every residence now smells like Saddam Hussein’s spiderhole after 18 months in hiding, but we think it’s worth all the lives we’ve saved. And yes, you can’t brush your teeth, but you can just scrape them with a twig from licorice bush, gum tree, or the Salvadora Persica tree. You know, old-school style. Besides, personal hygience, showering and maintaining a necessary level of hydration are overrated," said English student Toby Ornotobi.

The move has, however, brought about some criticism, especially from the government.

“We thought that Zuma was clear when he said that showers stop AIDS. The Mayor’s move will only exacerbate this disease that doesn't exist,” said MEC for Health and ex-AIDS Policy-maker for the Mbeki regime, Eimin de Nile.

However, the Mayor was quick to point out that there were methods of dealing with this.
“We are shipping in large quantities of garlic, lemon, and African Beetroot to counteract any negative effects this initiative might have.”