Bunch of men kick bag of wind into net between poles

pic: The Guardian

Thousands of people screamed in mixed frustration and celebration last weekend - much like they did in the hundreds of weekends before - after a bunch of millionaires used their feet to roll a plastic packet of air into a white nylon net suspended between two metal poles.

The group of millionaires, who all wore the same colour just with different numbers on their backs, cheered in victory for the crowd, after just narrowly stopping another bunch of same-colour-shirt wearing millionaires from doing the same thing to them on a big patch of grass in London surrounded by thousands of screaming non-millionaires.

"I know that we have had lots of exciting examples in the past of a bunch of grown men getting overpaid for what is really just toeing around an imported Chinese piece of plastic pumped up with what we breathe on a daily basis," said a 42-year-old man dressed all in red who also isn't a millionaire, "but this particular 90 minutes was exceptional. There was kicking. There was passing. There was booting. There were balls going into nets and fully grown men kissing their hands and pointing to the sky as if God was favouring them in that particular 90 minutes instead of ending world hunger or war or disease. It was brilliant - certainly nothing like the last 40 or so 90-minute ball-kicking sessions I paid to go and watch every weekend last year."

The 90 minutes - which was more like 97 minutes after the man with the whistle not kicking the ball awarded extra time for the millionaires' impressive acting skills - was not, however, without controversy, with hundreds of thousands of people in smoky bars across the world screaming their opinions at TV screens.

Pictured: fan's impression of whistle-blower

On more than one occasion, the whistle-bearer's quality of eyesight was brought into question, along with his sexuality, mental condition, and whether or not he was being unfair to a particular bunch of millionaires.

Following the success, the bunch of men will go on to play another bunch of men next week, with the hope of winning a big metal cup.

"We're going to win it again, I just know it," said another fan (who has no real connection with the bunch of millionaires and yet becomes indignantly defensive if you question their skills or qualities as a bunch of ball-kickers), before adding in a few homophobic digs at the other teams' millionaires, and making a snide remark about their track records of winning big metal cups. "Those other clubs haven't won a title in years. We're obviously better, because reasons."

Meanwhile, the head multi-millionaire in charge of the other millionaires said that he was excited about the results, and that they could not have done it without their loyal fanbase.

"I drive a very nice, very expensive car that uses a lot of fuel," said the also Men's-Cologne-and-underwear-and-sports-shoes model, who took time out of being in scandals in the tabloids to speak to gathered reporters. "Without their endless support, I wouldn't be where I was today. I'd be in a lower league, probably, making as much as a doctor or teacher makes. Christ, imagine that?"

Analysts have since confirmed that the air-bag-kickery was the most exciting thing to happen in human history since last weekend, when a bunch of yellow-shirted millionaires kicked their sack of air into a net belonging to red-and-blue-shirted millionaires.

"It certainly is a very important piece of human history," said a man who used to kick air packets and is now paid to give his opinion about kicking air packets on TV, "which is why we filmed the air-packed-kicking and will play that particular fifteen seconds of air-bag-booting in slow motion every four minutes, for the whole day. And not just on dedicated packet-kicking TV channels, no. We'll also pretend it's news and tack it on for 30 minutes after the news anchor has sufficiently depressed you with all those far-less-newsworthy stories about a couple of kidnapped girls in some African country."

Readers wanting to know more about this story can just turn to any news channel or walk into any bar.